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C is for...candor
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Thursday, 9 June 2005
random quote
i saw this quote written on a journal at barnes & noble & i love it:

"memory is the diary that we all carry about with us" ~oscar wilde

this goes along with the river teeth entry

in my memory are embedded moments i will never forget....down to the details...what every one of my senses were perceiving...& most importantly how i felt

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:40 PM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 9 June 2005 11:52 PM PDT
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Wednesday, 8 June 2005
quote for me
there are many but i will post just one

"how could anyone get sick of this"

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:18 AM PDT
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Tuesday, 7 June 2005
campus market
the place i used to work

it's a source of so much anger/bitterness but i've spent so many hours of my life in that tiny little store that i know it has made up a bit of my life

i worked there sophomore year of college & now the owners are selling the place

kaori, the manager, asked me to work there last sunday because she didn't trust any of the current workers...so i accepted since i sell cards there too

the day was long but it didn't seem that long because the novel idea of working behind the counter came back...

so many people came & so many people went & every interaction was unique...the familar faces & the new

the first customer of the day was this homeless lady that always came in when i worked there too...
she was always either very nice or just psycho...i worked there long enough to have seen both quite a bit....this morning she was nice....i think she knows i look familiar but she's too crazy to remember how....she asked me about my major & talked about berkeley for what seemed forever...& i just smile & nodded politely

then...there was the guy that worked at a store nearby that used to always come in when i worked there too...always to get a can of pringles...for a "discounted" price...first thing he said "i haven't seen you in a long time" i realized it had been a year...that's crazy...he proceeded to tell me all about his jury duty that has gone on for 3 weeks now & all the details of his trips to & from the courthouse...

& as usual...there were a few boys that would be a bit flirtateous

& always a few stinky homeless guys that would buy a drink

then there was an old lady with a thick european accent...she bought haagen daz pint...she told me to open it for her & place it in a doubled mini plastic bag...it wasn't annoying..it was kind of cute...i gave her a plastic spoon & napkins...i knew she wanted to dig in..she fumbled with her change a little like a typical older lady & when i gave her back 75 cents she flipped each one to see if they were the state ones...& she proceeded to tell me how there would be new coins for dimes & nickels too & that i should collect them because it's a free hobby...it made me smile..."you go to school here?" "yes" "and you working? ah poor thing" there was one old quarter in the bunch & she handed it to me "for you" she said

then later in the day...3 high school students walked in...one with long hair & the other two w/ short...the long haired one lagged behind as his friends walked forward into the chips area...i watched them walk but from my right ear i heard the cooler open & close & a small thunk & as i turned to look in that direction the long haired guy walked through the doors...all i could think was "i'm not stupid" he joined his friends & as he passed me i stared at him w/ a raised brow that let him know i knew what he did...he tried to act oblivious....& out of no where i mustered this courage (it can probably be attributed to a certain person heehee) but i said to him as he was wandering around "you have to pay for that" "i dunno what you're talking about" & he repeated it over & over only proving to me more he did something...i walked outside...saw the ice cream pint hiding under our store sign (so did another guy who picked it up & then handed it to me & entered the store) i put it back in the cooler & said to that long haired guy "that was completely unnecessary"...his friends freaked & paid for their stuff silently & left...

that guy that had picked up the pint outside said "take care of yourself" after he bought stuff

chanda's friends lea & ashley came in...surprised to see me working there...cuz they didn't know me when i did work there...

at night a family comes in frantically looking for gift wrap or a gift bag to wrap an impromptu present they had just bought...

as i am about the close an asian woman w/ a large rimmed hat comes in panting..."do you know where the nearest coffee place is? i've been looking everywhere & everything is closed...& i'm dying for an expresso right now" "how about next door?" "oh i didn't try them"


in a few hours of work i had seen my past & my present...

it was kinda nice to see all those faces again but it reminded me that all this...this life & this connie was no longer the present connie....& there are people in my present that don't know of my past....

all the anger & grief that these jobs(zee zee & campus) caused me was unknown to them all...
proof that it was all behind me now
& that it's only a fond memory looking back
having met all these people
being a part of all their lives in a tiny tiny way through routine actions
simply because i was the person that rang them up & bagged their purchases

it made me feel kinda special to have been a drop of water in their sea of memories

& i know i will miss campus market more than i'd ever want to admit...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:46 PM PDT
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& what i meant
Mood:  lucky
by crushed out was i'm so full of crush haha
though i'm not sure if that's what it means...
just to clarify things to a certain silly paranoid person

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:04 PM PDT
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Sunday, 5 June 2005
river teeth
Mood:  crushed out
this is mainly for me to remember....

river teeth intro

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:21 PM PDT
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it's all a crazy happy dream
Mood:  happy
there are so many things i could say right now but i will just leave one sentence...to make him smile

"i am the luckiest bastard on the planet"

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 7:46 PM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 5 June 2005 8:29 PM PDT
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Friday, 3 June 2005
opps
i'm at work & randomly reading bits of my blog & i realized that in the entry w/ our ieor emails back & forth it took into acct the html tags & didn't post the end of gareth's email making me look even nerdier than i am cuz it didn't post the funny part sooo...if you're at all interested it's been edited

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 2:49 PM PDT
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Tuesday, 31 May 2005
influence
before i start this entry which i have been meaning to write since thursday i have to say that last entry was realllly boring haha i just read it & i guess it was more for me than for you...
but whatever...it was just to remind myself of the nice time i had this weekend...oh yea & all the shopping was because my brother (aka gug which is what i call him) is getting married...

ANYWAYS
on with the show


so thursday
dominic calls me...
this is strange since he barely calls me...
the last time we talked on the phone was probably more than just a few months ago
the first thing he says to me is
"i have a stalker"
ok......
& he proceeds to tell me how this girl keeps im'ing him & pestering him saying things like "you broke my heart" yada yada yada...& he says she knows about him more than just a name...so i offered suggestions on how this girl might know...
i didn't really understand why he was telling me all this...was it to make me jealous? or just for conversation? or for advice?
& then my answer came
i forget the exact words but it went something like this
"so i know i did you wrong...do you have anything to do with this?"
"you're kidding right?...i just offered you a bunch of ways as to how a girl might get your info & you think i'm up to this..."
"well maybe not you..maybe your friend"
"um no how crazy do you think i am?"


i'm a lot calmer nowadays & i'm well over many of the things that haunt my past otherwise i probably would've blown up at this accusation

i just wanted to ask what kind of influence do you think you have over me that a year or more after i'm still pining after you & seeking revenge at that?

that's ridiculous
if he knew me well enough he'd understand that connie is a constantly changing being
i don't just sit there discontent like he does or most people do for that matter

recalibrating is a part of my everyday life...

it's probably the only thing that keeps me sane

& maybe that's why i'm sorta bitchy when i comes to people that sit there unhappy & don't do anything about it...whether it be seek help or find something that gives them joy or just find any way to get out of that situation....
i guess i consider myself lucky because i can just sit there by myself with myself & figure things out & make myself happy again

anyways...this isn't the pt

influence

so then he continues on with the convo as if nothing happened...(surprisingly since i'm so mellow nowadays i didn't stay annoyed) & he asked "are you still the same major?" "err...yea?" & he was like "oh i thought i would've affected you enough that you'd change to a humanities major" "um ok......"

& once again i was so confused as to why he thought his opinion ruled & changed my life dramatically

no...sorry...it really doesn't

i let people affect me
but i don't let them or want them to control me

that means that in the end i always have a say
my actions & my thoughts are my own

i remember when i started talking to adam again
& told me how he thought of me often after our breakup & he told me how i had affected him

i told dom that i had no idea i left an impact on people's lives...
& he said "you don't think you EVER make an impact & that's just untrue"

or as ben hockaday said to me once "you will NEVER forget an ex gf...you have had memories with her that stay with you"

i'm pretty sure i do it for self pity
but at the same time i think i'd rather think that i have no influence than to think i impact things people do...

i guess this is purely a result of confidence

& i guess i know my confidence is fairly low
though it's better nowadays

but i'd rather be me
than act like i have some sort of mida's golden touch

but like the story....it just leads to downfall

pierre said the other day that he realized he usually left an impression with people whether good or bad

& i'm pretty sure in high school i never left that sort of imprint

now...i don't know

probably more so

then it led me to a past convo i had with my cousin

if something were to happen to me would people actually come to mourn for me

i think more would come than i'd think

& on the bart i was thinking of those hypothetical questions that are often asked

if a whole country of people would not be killed if you were to die & they wouldn't know that it was you & they would just continue with their lives would you accept this offer?

i wouldn't even think twice
i would say yes

& i forget where it was i read this...probably some quiz or survey...but i've been told this more than once...i seem to want to find the best in people i want to bring out their potential...

& i guess that works with my answer...
in my head the amount that this country of people would accomplish & the lives they would each lead & the moments they would make is all more worth it than my one single life

& i guess this also goes along with how i want to leave my influence on the world

i really don't care about the acknowledgement of my influence
just the fact that i made the influence is joy enough
it is the story of my life
i've come to terms with everything that goes with the job

& ironically i will end with a quote from dom in an old coversation with me: "you're like spiderman. it is your gift and it is your curse"

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:14 PM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 31 May 2005 10:14 PM PDT
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Monday, 30 May 2005
updates!
quotes for the past few days:

thurs

pierre: what?
me: nothing

me: what?
pierre: nothing


fri

(in a convo about disliking vegetarians & vegans)
anthony: so what about like cow manure fertilized plants!
me: i think you're onto something here...next time they have a debate be sure to bring that up

(one of the quizno's trays is facing the wrong way so i adjust it & anthony pretends he is about to put his the wrong way just to spite me)
me: you bastard...see? i can be like you too


anthony: have a good life


weekend


(mom is calling vallco shopping center to see when they close)
mom on phone: 7? you know it's sunday? so 7? are you sure?
gug to me (referring to my mom): this is why we're so messed up


(mom told earlier me she & my dad keep interrupting each other & they're growing so old that they just keep forgetting what they're gonna say after that)
(mom walks into the room in which i'm watching tv)
mom:....i forget what i'm gonna say
me: & i didn't even interrupt you




so....recap on the past 4 days

thurs
i don't remember too much cept that i got a shot & pierre came over with pulled pork sandwiches from that deli he raves about & we had that & peach cider & it was super tasty...it makes me want to make pulled pork again! but that's a 6 hr time investment...& the potato salad with it was delish too...thank you pierre! & we hung out watching tv...having convo...it was nice:)

friday
i worked the day away & left early cuz the boss is sick so i didn't have much to do..once i was done i left...& then anthony picked me up for a goodbye dinner...we went to quizno's & i had it for the first time! i had the angus beef one with his reccommendation...it was delish...the sauces are probably the best part....convo was nice...we gossiped about the ieor dept & such...it was fun...it was sad to see him go...i hope we will keep in touch....
afterwards i went home on bart & my mom & i went to great mall but stores were closing...we managed to look at a few stores...the dresses were nice but since they were closing the fitting rooms were closed so i didn't buy anything...

sat
my mom & i went to santana row & valley fair to shop some more...mom saw some jackets at st. john she liked but they didn't have her size...she told us to go to the sf one which have more options...i tried on a dress at bcbg it was nice but something about all bcbg skirts/dresses...they're hemmed weird or cut weird cuz they always has this bump near the hip area has if it was stuck on a hanger too long...i thought maybe it was me but then i saw it in their catalog too & those girls are sticks...sooo yea...i'm unsure now...

sun
don't really remember...cept headed to vallco for more "shopping" to get more of an idea

mon
off to sf union square for the st. john store & other random stores...so after spending much time in the st. john store we ordered this petunia (aka bright pink) jacket w/ full length skirt...it looks nice...very elegant...& then to berk we had a nice dinner at that seafood & vegetarian place we always eat & then they stopped so i could buy naan n curry for gug for them to take home...chanda's mom had given me some stuff for her so i went to her apt & we watched lemony snicket's series of unfortunate events...it was pretty good...not AMAZING but definitely worth a watch...then jenn liu came over & we decided to go to fenton's creamery which i've never been to sooo we got a pint w/ caramel swirl almond, cookie dough, and heath bar....good stuff...oh eya i felt guilty because i had thrifty ice cream in sf w/ my parents...hahahah i made them get it cuz i haven't seen thrifty ice cream in forever & it's so good! & cheap at that...had black cherry (my usual when i was little)


these past few days minus the extra lbs i gained haha have been amazing....
i haven't had such a nice time in a long time
love it

plus i love my family esp. when gug is there
we're adorable haha

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:42 PM PDT
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Wednesday, 25 May 2005
random quotes
from monday
yoga instructor: now touch your heels & if you can't touch your heels, touch your heels

Life is a play! 'Tis not its length but its performance that counts.
~Seneca

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:42 PM PDT
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