influence
before i start this entry which i have been meaning to write since thursday i have to say that last entry was realllly boring haha i just read it & i guess it was more for me than for you...
but whatever...it was just to remind myself of the nice time i had this weekend...oh yea & all the shopping was because my brother (aka gug which is what i call him) is getting married...
ANYWAYS
on with the show
so thursday
dominic calls me...
this is strange since he barely calls me...
the last time we talked on the phone was probably more than just a few months ago
the first thing he says to me is
"i have a stalker"
ok......
& he proceeds to tell me how this girl keeps im'ing him & pestering him saying things like "you broke my heart" yada yada yada...& he says she knows about him more than just a name...so i offered suggestions on how this girl might know...
i didn't really understand why he was telling me all this...was it to make me jealous? or just for conversation? or for advice?
& then my answer came
i forget the exact words but it went something like this
"so i know i did you wrong...do you have anything to do with this?"
"you're kidding right?...i just offered you a bunch of ways as to how a girl might get your info & you think i'm up to this..."
"well maybe not you..maybe your friend"
"um no how crazy do you think i am?"
i'm a lot calmer nowadays & i'm well over many of the things that haunt my past otherwise i probably would've blown up at this accusation
i just wanted to ask what kind of influence do you think you have over me that a year or more after i'm still pining after you & seeking revenge at that?
that's ridiculous
if he knew me well enough he'd understand that connie is a constantly changing being
i don't just sit there discontent like he does or most people do for that matter
recalibrating is a part of my everyday life...
it's probably the only thing that keeps me sane
& maybe that's why i'm sorta bitchy when i comes to people that sit there unhappy & don't do anything about it...whether it be seek help or find something that gives them joy or just find any way to get out of that situation....
i guess i consider myself lucky because i can just sit there by myself with myself & figure things out & make myself happy again
anyways...this isn't the pt
influence
so then he continues on with the convo as if nothing happened...(surprisingly since i'm so mellow nowadays i didn't stay annoyed) & he asked "are you still the same major?" "err...yea?" & he was like "oh i thought i would've affected you enough that you'd change to a humanities major" "um ok......"
& once again i was so confused as to why he thought his opinion ruled & changed my life dramatically
no...sorry...it really doesn't
i let people affect me
but i don't let them or want them to control me
that means that in the end i always have a say
my actions & my thoughts are my own
i remember when i started talking to adam again
& told me how he thought of me often after our breakup & he told me how i had affected him
i told dom that i had no idea i left an impact on people's lives...
& he said "you don't think you EVER make an impact & that's just untrue"
or as ben hockaday said to me once "you will NEVER forget an ex gf...you have had memories with her that stay with you"
i'm pretty sure i do it for self pity
but at the same time i think i'd rather think that i have no influence than to think i impact things people do...
i guess this is purely a result of confidence
& i guess i know my confidence is fairly low
though it's better nowadays
but i'd rather be me
than act like i have some sort of mida's golden touch
but like the story....it just leads to downfall
pierre said the other day that he realized he usually left an impression with people whether good or bad
& i'm pretty sure in high school i never left that sort of imprint
now...i don't know
probably more so
then it led me to a past convo i had with my cousin
if something were to happen to me would people actually come to mourn for me
i think more would come than i'd think
& on the bart i was thinking of those hypothetical questions that are often asked
if a whole country of people would not be killed if you were to die & they wouldn't know that it was you & they would just continue with their lives would you accept this offer?
i wouldn't even think twice
i would say yes
& i forget where it was i read this...probably some quiz or survey...but i've been told this more than once...i seem to want to find the best in people i want to bring out their potential...
& i guess that works with my answer...
in my head the amount that this country of people would accomplish & the lives they would each lead & the moments they would make is all more worth it than my one single life
& i guess this also goes along with how i want to leave my influence on the world
i really don't care about the acknowledgement of my influence
just the fact that i made the influence is joy enough
it is the story of my life
i've come to terms with everything that goes with the job
& ironically i will end with a quote from dom in an old coversation with me: "you're like spiderman. it is your gift and it is your curse"