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C is for...candor
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Monday, 30 May 2005
updates!
quotes for the past few days:

thurs

pierre: what?
me: nothing

me: what?
pierre: nothing


fri

(in a convo about disliking vegetarians & vegans)
anthony: so what about like cow manure fertilized plants!
me: i think you're onto something here...next time they have a debate be sure to bring that up

(one of the quizno's trays is facing the wrong way so i adjust it & anthony pretends he is about to put his the wrong way just to spite me)
me: you bastard...see? i can be like you too


anthony: have a good life


weekend


(mom is calling vallco shopping center to see when they close)
mom on phone: 7? you know it's sunday? so 7? are you sure?
gug to me (referring to my mom): this is why we're so messed up


(mom told earlier me she & my dad keep interrupting each other & they're growing so old that they just keep forgetting what they're gonna say after that)
(mom walks into the room in which i'm watching tv)
mom:....i forget what i'm gonna say
me: & i didn't even interrupt you




so....recap on the past 4 days

thurs
i don't remember too much cept that i got a shot & pierre came over with pulled pork sandwiches from that deli he raves about & we had that & peach cider & it was super tasty...it makes me want to make pulled pork again! but that's a 6 hr time investment...& the potato salad with it was delish too...thank you pierre! & we hung out watching tv...having convo...it was nice:)

friday
i worked the day away & left early cuz the boss is sick so i didn't have much to do..once i was done i left...& then anthony picked me up for a goodbye dinner...we went to quizno's & i had it for the first time! i had the angus beef one with his reccommendation...it was delish...the sauces are probably the best part....convo was nice...we gossiped about the ieor dept & such...it was fun...it was sad to see him go...i hope we will keep in touch....
afterwards i went home on bart & my mom & i went to great mall but stores were closing...we managed to look at a few stores...the dresses were nice but since they were closing the fitting rooms were closed so i didn't buy anything...

sat
my mom & i went to santana row & valley fair to shop some more...mom saw some jackets at st. john she liked but they didn't have her size...she told us to go to the sf one which have more options...i tried on a dress at bcbg it was nice but something about all bcbg skirts/dresses...they're hemmed weird or cut weird cuz they always has this bump near the hip area has if it was stuck on a hanger too long...i thought maybe it was me but then i saw it in their catalog too & those girls are sticks...sooo yea...i'm unsure now...

sun
don't really remember...cept headed to vallco for more "shopping" to get more of an idea

mon
off to sf union square for the st. john store & other random stores...so after spending much time in the st. john store we ordered this petunia (aka bright pink) jacket w/ full length skirt...it looks nice...very elegant...& then to berk we had a nice dinner at that seafood & vegetarian place we always eat & then they stopped so i could buy naan n curry for gug for them to take home...chanda's mom had given me some stuff for her so i went to her apt & we watched lemony snicket's series of unfortunate events...it was pretty good...not AMAZING but definitely worth a watch...then jenn liu came over & we decided to go to fenton's creamery which i've never been to sooo we got a pint w/ caramel swirl almond, cookie dough, and heath bar....good stuff...oh eya i felt guilty because i had thrifty ice cream in sf w/ my parents...hahahah i made them get it cuz i haven't seen thrifty ice cream in forever & it's so good! & cheap at that...had black cherry (my usual when i was little)


these past few days minus the extra lbs i gained haha have been amazing....
i haven't had such a nice time in a long time
love it

plus i love my family esp. when gug is there
we're adorable haha

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:42 PM PDT
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Wednesday, 25 May 2005
random quotes
from monday
yoga instructor: now touch your heels & if you can't touch your heels, touch your heels

Life is a play! 'Tis not its length but its performance that counts.
~Seneca

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:42 PM PDT
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Monday, 23 May 2005
as the end of the school yr rounds out
i haven't been able to update this blog recently cuz angelfire was having problems but now i will put up a bunch of random stuff that i wrote in notepad during this time...


thinking in the shower:
there is no such thing as protecting us form the truth
if you know it will hurt us why are you doing it in the first place

one truth is better than a thousand lies & then the eventual truth
because not only have you betrayed us in that one truth that you know will hurt us
but you have betrayed us a thousand extra times


quotes that i remembered from the past week that i never posted

(in the dining hall studying where the ceiling is wannabe artsy maybe but it looks unfinished)
erick: it looks like a spaceship station
me: it looks like ribbon
erick: & that's the difference between guys & girls


(we're talking about erick being gay & a few guys walk by)
me: you have to stay masculine *cough* cars
erick: *cough cough* (in a deeper voice) cars cars


(when he called me half drunk offa commencement reception champagne)
gareth: did you want to grab something to eat?
me: umm are you trying to try something
gareth: well if you don't wanna i have like 9 other hot girls in line i can call
me: i guess i'm at least ahead of those 9 other girls


me: *jaw drops when i see jon's shaved head*
jon: *pretends to drop his jaw too*
later...
doug: you're bald!


(when studying i kept breaking my lead & it kept flying towards anthony)
1st time
me: i'm sorry i didn't mean it
anthony: it's fine don't worry about it
2nd time
me: sorrrrrry!
anthony: it's fine. i mean...you bastard!
me: haha yea this time it was aimed for your food so you can get lead poisoning
3rd time
anthony: you bastard!


(made pierre watch futurama & then when i was flipping thru channels he made me watch buffy & i was falling asleep)
pierre: you made me watch tv now i will make YOU watch tv!


gareth to friend (not sarcastically): yea this girl is so smart she always says "i don't geeeeet it"
me: yea cept meinus the fact that i really don't get it


gareth: if i offend you or embarrass you in any way i apologize in advance


(we ran out of cups near the end of the commencement reception..all we had left was bottles of cider & champagne)
prof lim: i guess i'll take this (grabs an open bottle of cider)
prof shen: & i this (picks up an open bottle of champagne)
lim: this is classy...drink up mate!
*clicks glass bottles with each other & both chugs*

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:58 PM PDT
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Friday, 20 May 2005
finals are over...
so after 2 finals today my brain hurt...literally & it felt fried

i called chanda afterwards & we went to walgreens, target, office depot, & safeway...

walgreens i read trashy magazines as i waited for chander & at target i bought a bunch of stuff to pamper myself...bath fizzy things, soem knitting stuff, those izze soda things i've always been curious about, & liquid soap....
safeway i bought a lot of fatty foods....but gawd brie is so good how can anyone resist! umm ok i know i'm being really boring but i can't help it...

the events of this night made me really upset

i don't know if there is something physically wrong with me....or why it seems that everytime i am in public or around other people our relationship changes...

i know i set myself up for disappointment because i expect something to happen & nothing ever does & i just get upset but in reality i am upset over something that never was really there

& i find myself on the verge of hating all females...& i guess that makes me a female...but the second they do something i'm onto them & i hate them for it...i find every reason i can to hate them....oh they're so slutty...oh they think they have a nice body but they don't....ok their face is NOT even cute...that typical bitchy girl stuff course i keep it contained in my head...

i really don't know why i do this to myself...
i'm so happy with myself until someone else steps into the picture & then my head goes haywire & it can't handle things the way they normally can...but i guess that's the difference of the heart & the mind....

& that's why my heart always wins in those situations because my mind can no longer make sense of the situation...

& i don't know why i always want to give people the benefit of the doubt & i want to find things wrong around people so i can continue to idolize them

i guess there is always difficulties in finding fault in things/ones you love...(eg, for some people, themselves)

i hate feeling so vulnerable

i suppose i will take this as a no

on another note i found out a friend is a carrier of hepatitis b because of her mom & is "very contagious" & i feel so horrible because she doesn't cry & she was bawling...

i don't have much to say on the subject cept that it made me feel that much worse about today

gawd i feel so sad

like an angry or hurt little ball

i need to rid myself of this negativity

sooo...i talked a lot to arta tonight & he's so cool & funny....he said he's really interested in helping me out in starting my club so that will be fun...i will definitely do some research in the next few weeks & get a head start...

i also....don't laugh! wrote a list of the lists i need to make! places i want to eat in berkeley before i leave...etc...

& although i have nothing formally booked my summer is rather packed with stuff i want to do & i think i will be a lot better at accomplishing these things this summer since i'll be staying up here & i won't watse my day away watching tv...berkeley makes me a lot more motivated

oh yea last night studying for 165...
after anthony left i checked my mail & got these three emails & i remember why i love my ieor friend so much:

from jon

He's said we've needed to know that for every test so far, but we haven't yet. The equation is that for a significance level alpha, which we want to reject with probability 1 - beta, we need n samples,
where:

n = [((z_alpha/2 + z_beta)^2)sigma^2] / [(u_1 - u_0)^2]

_ for subscript, ^ for superscript, z for standard normal, u_1 for the actual mean, u_0 for the mean we're testing for in the null hypothesis

He could have been talking about something totally different, as I did miss the review session. And like a complete moron, I just realized that this is all on page 299. But I typed it up so I'm sending it out anyway!


from jamie

This is an official announcement.... 165 is stealing my life force


from gareth

I am turning in. There is no way I can possibly understand how to not reject the null hypothesis that opposes our intution because the p-value = Probability(TS>x)less than .03 and .03 less than significant alpha. I want to cry. People are taking shots while listening to my favorite genre in the room next door. There's some hot girl wandering the halls with her parents. It feels like one of those movies.... sigh!






& the quote for tonight:

a drunk gareth: are you lesbian?
me: NO!
gareth: prove it!!
arta: i think i'm going home now, do you want to go now too?
me: yes, i think this is an opportune time to leave

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:38 AM PDT
Updated: Friday, 3 June 2005 2:47 PM PDT
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Wednesday, 18 May 2005
quote-dentist
this was from about a month ago & i think i forgot to post it

chanda: yea i went to my dentist today & it was sooo crowded
me: well i guess maybe he's a good dentist
chanda: yea he seems like a nice guy
(chanda's mom says something in the background that i can't hear to which chanda responds: i know! i'm not setting them up, mom!)
me: umm what did she say?
chanda: she said 'he's too old for connie.'

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:02 PM PDT
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Tuesday, 17 May 2005
let's take a break & explore our options
this is a completely random entry & not related to my life at all but i was sitting there "studying" & i felt like talking about this

several of my friends have taken this route

this

"let's take a break for a while, see other people (explore other options), & then we can decide if we want to get back together"

mode

& i don't think i've heard a single happy story

see...when you do that you're saying to the person
"umm well i'm gonna go out there see if i can do better than you or see if our relationship really is good compared to others i can have & i'll get back to you on my decision"

the thing is...if a relationship is working..this mode should never come up

if you're happy with the relationship...you wouldn't question it

it's almost like call waiting...i'll put you on hold, talk to the person on the other line & if they have more interesting things to say, i'm gonna hang up on you/never switch back & if not, i'll end that & come back...

in a working relationship there should never even be that desire to want to know if you can "do better" or what other relationships you may have would be like...

you should feel so lucky to have each other that you know it's right

& granted i know life is not perfect & relationships are not like the ones out of fairytales...trust me i know first hand how bad it can be

but...i think if there is any doubt...then this relationship should not exist

don't be there for pity or sympathy or for fear that you can't find someone better/being alone...don't just be there for the sake of being there

no one wants that in the end

how unfulfilling is a relationship that you know will be contained in a box & never become anything more than what it currently is

if you're mature enough you'd know to leave this so called relationship out of it & just be friends

nothing good can ever come of this "mode"

i've seen it where the person suggesting it ends up feeling really hurt because the other person kept actively dating & being physical with other people & my friend was not...expecting them to just get back together...they are now back together but things will never be the same...there's often bitterness

i've seen it where they're both just unhappy & they end up getting back together anyways

& i'm sure there are many a times when one of them wants to be together again & the other does not


it's just a stupid thing to put this so called relationship through

but i guess if the mode ever came up in the first place there is already something faulty there & maybe it was supposed to end anyways...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:10 PM PDT
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Monday, 16 May 2005
161 studying
well erick & i went to crepevine & ont he way back some guy in a truck & sunglasses yells at us in particular "rock out with your c... out"

& we were thoroughly confused
but it was quite the laugh break while we were pseudostudying

we were at strada for a while & then migrated to the super DC...

let's say you can see the effects of caffenine in both of us right away

it reminded me of 140 in the basement

it was a feeling of i have no control over this anymore i give up...but i'll feel guilty if i fully give up type of thing

& we remembered john meehan said before our 166 final "why is it ieor students are always laughing before their tests" (it's soooo true)
& we decided it's cuz we cover our stress with laughter

anyways..the night was filled w/ strange conversation including many burgstone & lim references which i won't go into hahah...& drooling like homer simpson

we finished all we could & then went to bed to get up at 7 to meet again to study the last chapter

we dragged ourselves to cafe milano by about 7:30

we were too tired to be funny

we were rather productive & it is & probably will be the most i will ever understand markov chains

then we got sick of things & we headed in the direction of the final

we had a good half hour or so to spare so we lay on the grass & fell asleep (good thing erick set his alarm...& that we were on the grass right under the campanile so it was ringing loudly at noon)

i had always seen people sleeping on the grass & i never realized how nice it feels....

as i was falling asleep i was artsily thinking

wow it's like the warmth of the sun is my blanket and the earth my bed

& then i probably proceeded to water the grass with my slobber haha jk....

erick woke up with a funny pattern on the side of his face from using his backpack as a pillow haha

the final was horrible

i'm not sure if it was just me

but it was definitely harder than both the midterms & there was at least one question that i had never seen the likes of before...i felt so shitty

but afterwards erick had promised to let me watch ellen degeneres (her standup stuff about procrastination) & it was hilarious...she totally picks up on people's little idiosyncracies....i was laughing so hard people probably thought i was insane

anyways...i've been rather unproductive since the final

oh yea i found out that kaori is selling campus market & in a strange way (of course in retrospect) it makes me pretty sad...

i have to take back my cards of course

& i guess that too makes me sad

i'm pretty uninteresting right now haha

finals have really drained the motivation & such out of me

& as anthony "you're a junior! you ahve no excuse!"

& it's true:( haha

i'm just being a lazy butt

i guess i should study since i have two finals left still...booo

i need to do well in 165...rah

& i can't believe gareth's "rawr" is making itself into my regular vocabulary

it's just kinda funny though sooo yea







i think have come to terms with the fact that maybe things won't turn out the way i want them to....i realize more & more & i am becoming what i've always wanted to be....though it's not what i expected it to be...it does feel nice...i'm a lot stronger & independent....





i've been putting on the chub oy...
i thought i wouldn't this finals season but i can feel it! it's cuz of my lack of sleep i decided becauze i haven't been eating an excessive amount (besides fondue)...i have been slacking in exercise though...whatever....i'm not as upset about it as i would normally be



i will be going to a party at john meehan's friday....hopefully it will be fun! i think knowing people there will help:P

i will also be going to the commencement reception on saturday cuz i offered to volunteer...maybe we can sell some yearbooks as well!

the thought of the seniors leaving is making me more & more sad....unless we make the effort to keep in touch i know it won't happen....& that bothers me

because as i told chanda the other day

it's not like high school...in high school you're kind of stuck with your group of people....you have to stay friendly...otherwise there is unnecessary drama...

in college we choose our friends
we choose who we want to be associated with & who we want to hang out with & how much....
how close you want them to be...& how much you want to care about them

& some i'm just really sad to see leave....

anyways i can get sentimental later:)

good luck to di on her midterm & paper
& everyone else on their finals
it will be over soon!

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:01 PM PDT
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Sunday, 15 May 2005
quotes for last 2 days-studying & fondue
(doug, alex, and erick are playing a driving video game on a "break" & the list of drivers comes up at the end it says doug, alexa, etc)

me: wait you named yourself alexa, alex?
alex: no we're all under doug's name
erick: otherwise i'd be erika & doug would be....douga? (& we continue to list a couple more & give up)
doug: i am dougina
erick: & as we were just about to leave it at that you had no girl name
doug: i was dougina in my high school asb election skits. i was one hot piece of ass.




there were a lot more quotes from studying since we were there til like 3 am or so!
but i can't really remember & most of them are probably inappropriate hahaha oy



at fondue fred's for lunch today

(john, rich, & gareth are all in fraternities....we were saying how it was really hot...the wine & eating all this hot cheese & stewish fondues)
me (kiddingly of course): yea i know! i think i'm gonna have to strip
john meehan: HELLLLLOOO
rich: what? strip? what?
me: i'm surprised that gareth wasn't the first to turn around
john: what can i say..it's the fraternity in us...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:14 AM PDT
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Thursday, 12 May 2005
quote for the day
anthony: do you want me to beat them up for you?
me: HAHA well..maybe just one so they get the point

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:09 AM PDT
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Wednesday, 11 May 2005
ASSHOLES
i just have a few sentences to say:

you guys are assholes & i think the worst part about it is that you don't realize you ARE being assholes...either that or you don't care....either way it makes you all even more ass-y

there is something called courtesy

& after all the things i do for you guys?

i thought i didn't care anymore but since it's finals i'm probably more antsy...well that & this is repeatedly occurring

i wish i didn't have to put up this fucking show

cuz in reality i don't want to have to give a shit & have it affect my life

but alas i can't

i have to continue acting

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 6:55 PM PDT
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