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C is for...candor
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Sunday, 8 May 2005
old quote-this side of campus
so i didn't realize i never posted this quote/convo

alex: i hate how on the daily cal (our newspaper) there's that article about that girl deciding to research slave letters & how it emphasizes the fact that she has a 4.0 gpa
gareth: yea that's not so easy on this side of campus
jon: we see the basement of etcheverry & a guy whipping us saying "integrate faster!!"

we went into a huge long overly detailed conversation about how we would film a video that portrayed this

on the "other side of campus," we have robots telling us what to do

meanwhile... on the happier side of campus they are barefoot & in robes & sitting on clouds discussing useless things

etc etc...




gawd we'd make a great nerdy show

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:45 AM PDT
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Saturday, 7 May 2005
good friends good times
i had a blast last night...

i don't think i've laughed so much over such a long period of time in a while...& that's saying a lot cuz i laugh so much everyday w/ my ieor friends!

first, i left work early because i didn't feel like starting the next major project cuz i knew i wouldn't make enough progress to matter anyways...

i met up w/ chris in front of games of berkeley...

i saw charles from my pe class there & it was funny cuz he's new to theater rice so he was like woah! it's the legendary chris dong & they talked for a bit

oh yea chris didn't recognize me haha...how sad..he was like looking around me

we rode the bus to cheeseboard & got delicious things

then we went to my apt & we just talked & hung out like old times...w/ food network in the background...he gave me the rest of my birthday present & i felt so special! mickey ears w/ my name embroidered on the back & a double shot glass w/ frosted mickeys on it & mickey chocolate mint candies:) that are yummy...(cuz i'm eating one right now)

we seriously talked as if he never left...it was so strange....i have to admit i thought it would be awkward but it wasn't one bit....

& i realized that this is what real friends are like...

we touched on references that we probably would've before he left & everything...

it felt really great seeing him again

we talked til about 6:30 & then we started off for his old apt where we were to meet boris & shannon...

boris pulled out a slender bottle of vodka that he wanted us to try with him...

so we took it with us in the car...(though we never did open it haha)

& we were off to ashby bart to meet quinn & danielle's car of people (danielle, john, kaiya (sp?))

we actually passed quinn but didn't recogize her so we just sat there taking pictures in the car & talking about random things (weird bostonian couple in tinkerbell & spiderman shirts, etc)

then we decided it might be quinn so we went over in the car & heard someone having trouble starting their car so when danielle arrived we tried to help him out...but w/ no success

& then we were off...

the whole time we were trying to beat them even though they had a head start

everytime we passed a car boris would be like is that them?

we also decided whatever lane we were in would go the slowest...

the funny thing is that they were ahead of us the whole time but as we pulled into the parking garage somehow they were right behind us coming from another direction so we won hahahah even though i really don't think they cared

anyways...

dinner was so amazing....

i love maggiano's

we started w/ zuchinni frites & calamari frites & the chop salad (it had proscuitto & avocado & blue cheese)...& at first we were going to order the family dinner but decided it was way too much food (two in each category! (appetizer, salad, pasta, entree, dessert)) sooo we split into little sub groups & shared that...shannon, boris, & i ordered salmon oreganata & eggplant parmesan....the salmon was like the whole fish or at the very least half of one & the eggplant parmesan was incredible very melt in your mouth....we probably only finished a little over half & that's w/ 3 people!...

then onto dessert...

we ordered tiramisu to share between the three of us again & the other two subgroups got the apple crostada

theirs was really amazing it was like an apple pie but more crispy & flakey at least than the ones i've had & w/ vanilla bean ice cream on top....

as john put it: it's like a party in my mouth & everyone's apple picking

the first thing i thought about though was ...i'm going home & making this haha...i listed some ingredients that were probably in it & i looked it up when i got home & i was totally dead on...go me

(i just realized all this should be on my food blog but whatever:P)

our tiramisu was heaven too...there were large pieces of shaved chocolate on top & two chocolate cigars stuck in it...it was probably the best tiramisu i've ever had...

the only mini damper on the night was & it sucks cuz it was near the end of the night was the tab...so boris & i calculated it so that we paid for our part, tax, tip & part of chris' but the kaiya girl made it seem like we didn't even cover our portion...but i definitely came home & calculated & we paid almost half of the tab but we were only 3 people & we only ordered 2 entrees & one dessert while they ordered a total of 4 entrees & 2 desserts...& we all split the appetizers & salad....& i think chris thought we didn't chip in but that wasn't true...i mean i guess i don't care about the credit with chris cuz i was really really happy to see him but i just felt like she acted as if we were cheap when that just wasn't the case...& she mentioned it more than once which was unnecessary...boris & i just kept looking at each other & recalculating cuz we knew we did it right...whatever no biggie

we went home & listened to the "spaceship" song boris raved about all night & i have to admit it's a really weird song but i'm sure it would grow on me...& i can definitely still hear it in my head sooo yea...

spaceship song

the point of this entry was to say i think i forgot what it was like to be surrounded by amazing food & even better company....

& i thank chris for making it happen

& all the memories he adds to my life

& that i know we will always be amazing friends....this visit has proved that even with distance & time between us we can always pick up where we left off

& for the last time i say "chris, come back!" haha

but he'll be back in a couple of months & chris & connie's adventures will make a comeback

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 7:16 PM PDT
Updated: Saturday, 7 May 2005 9:04 PM PDT
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Friday, 6 May 2005
"mean people suck"
well first i wanted to post a quote of the day from wednesday i kinda forgot about...

erick picked up his phone & jon thought it was his mom & he said he wanted to say: erick! where do you want me to put all this bondage stuff? or erick, put on some clothes & come to breakfast!

erick was like my mom would be like "is that a guy?"
& i'd say, "don't worry, mom. he's a reverend."





anyways....

so my title is "mean people suck" because within the last 24 hours i kind of found that people are more ass-y than i realized...& whenever i am reminded of things like this i always get somewhat annoyed...it really breaks down my belief that people are good...

i mean none of these are severly mean things...i just get knocked on the head once in a while & i kind of get upset...i guess i AM some sort of ghandi wannabe...it hurts to know the world is so cruel...

yesterday...

that same guy i've rejected i don't know how many times decides to try his luck again...
at first i just assumed he was really obsessed...one of those guys that just falls for someone in a heartbeat
but then pierre said he just wanted to get in my pants...which is probably more accurate but i guess i forgot that was an option for guys & "love"
well...at first i was being polite but firm in my response
& then i got progressively meaner as he continued to not get my point...
pierre told me to say certain things so i did & he told me to be mean
& the thing is...no matter how annoying a person can be i can't bring myself to be mean...unless they are really mean to someone else then for some reason i have the guts to shut them up...
see...i never saw the point...
pierre said at some point you need to tell the telemarketer to stop calling
but i just felt this wasn't the point...telemarketers...that's their job they aren't sup'd to be taking things personally but matters of the heart are sensitive...
i'm not saying lead someone on...by avoiding telling them the truh about how you feel...you should always be straight in regards to that but i'm saying why the added meanness...it just doesn't make sense to me...
maybe there is anger...but you know what...yesterday despite my annoyance at his immaturity i had the ability to stay calm & just be straight up..there was no reason to mix bad emotions into the already complicated situation...& maybe i'm being diplomatic but i just feel like...
i know if i was not getting the point in regards to a guy (though i've never experienced this since i don't really go out & hit on guys) i would rather have someone tell me the facts "sorry, connie, i don't like you. i want to just stay friends." whatever whatever...instead of someone just ignoring all my calls & blocking me & hanging up on me & pretending they don't know me when they see me...

what is the point of all that hoopla?

it just adds to the drama & maybe that's what you want...but it's so unnecessary

it adds pain to everyone involved...don't tell me it gives you pleasure to ignore someone...that's just messed up besides a normal human being should at least feel that tinge of guilt...so if not for that person then at least to rid of that guilty feeling (though i can't even tell you how selfish that is)

this morning walking to work w/ a friend...

he tells me he broke up with his gf & he was drunk & he simply said "go find yourself another bf we're over" & he said she'd probably wait for an apology that she won't get & call me sunday to ask what's up & i'll just tell her "didn't you get the memo we're not together"

& i just looked at him w/ a jaw open
i mean granted this particular person always has a way of shocking me with the things he says but i guess it touched on the feelings of yesterday

it had been a relationship of 2 years & he said that it was bound to end because they were not as "passionate" about each other anymore...

but it just made me feel like maybe the past experiences i'd had are more the norm than not

i mean granted...a lot of these things are regarding the actual breakup or rejection...like those conversations & not anything else

but i don't get why people don't seem to realize the sensitivity of those situations & that often times these conversations are the ones you keep in your head as a bad memory...because it involves your heart & i know that for me, sometimes painful memories last longer & sometimes cancels many good memories that person may have brought you

& it makes me upset because i remember once again how selfish people are

& for some reason i hate that feeling

i saw someone picking up trash from the sidewalks and bushes for no reason..he was just doing it with his bare hands

i always find myself smiling when i see someone doing something incredibly selfless but i never realized how sad that was...

because that merely means it's a rare occassion...

i was walking the other day & i wondered what the world would be like if everyone was completely selfless...the thing is it'd probably be similar to how it is now but i think a lot more people would be happier....

the thing with being selfless in the current world is that if you don't watch out for yourself no one else will so you are left to fend for yourself or else you'll just keep being used...& thus being selfish...again

but in a selfless world this wouldn't be an issue because everyone would be looking out for everyone else...

i told pierre yesterday...i don't really see a reason to be mean...& that mean people "ruin my life" & i know that was a dramatic way of putting it but it's true...

anytime i've been hurt someone was probably being "mean" & although there were probably other things that happened that went along with this that is the jist

maybe it's my overly optimistic view over the world or maybe it's my constant demand of myself or maybe it's pulling on my strings from the past & well frankly it could be many things...but i know that things like this will never cease to bother me...

i think people sometimes need to just step outside their body & think about how what they do affect others...

& i'm not talking about surperficially overly nice...that's probably worse than just being selfish at least the selfish people are being themselves

anyway...i'm at work...& i really shouldn't be writing this...nor can i go any deeper than i already am because the keyboard makes so much sound & there's nothing technically to be typed up at the moment so it's a bit suspicious...

on another note...chris dong is coming back today so him, boris, some of their old floormates, & i are headed to santana row in san jose to eat at maggiano's....& chris & i might hang out before then cuz there's really nothing to be done at work since the boss isn't here....we'll see....but i'm really excited....mmm zucchini frites & chop salad

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 2:29 PM PDT
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Thursday, 5 May 2005
quote of the day-roommate
background: erick & doug are going ot be roommates next year & doug kept making strange comments/sounds while we were doing hw in the lounge...doug was fake nominated to run for sex god at yesterday's iie meeting...doug said that he wanted a picture of his butt in the yearbook...alex was asked to maybe do yearbook again next semester

erick: i wonder if he's completely different as a roommate though
doug: if by different you mean naked...then yes
erick: *furrows brow*

awkward pause

erick: well maybe alex will take pictures of you since he likes using my camera so much
me: & then i guess we WILL be seeing doug's butt in the yearbook next year
erick: & i guess that would be an appropriate officer picture for a sex god
me: our website would be rated XXX
jon: we could say "all models are over 18" & by model i guess we mean doug





at dinner w/ chanda

chanda: yea you're a good "gf" even i'd want to marry you

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:47 PM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 5 May 2005 11:15 PM PDT
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Wednesday, 4 May 2005
quote of the day-osmosis & oy
so as we were walking to terrace cafe erick said something about how it is about to rain
& jon said sarcastically something on the lines of ahh rain water!! what most of our body is made up of but on the outside!

so we got on this conversation about having our skin being able to absorb water

erick: "i guess you couldn't swim for very long cuz you'd be huge"

& then in pe class our teacher toni mar said that our skin absorbs whatever we put on it..lotions etc & i think andrea was getting really annoyed today cuz she said to me "that's so not true our skin is like water resistant..how else would we go swimming!"

i just thought it was funny that i had a similar convo in two contexts in the same day...anyways




i said "oy" to jon & he started writing all these rhyming words so i strung them together into a mini weird poem:

there once was a boy in troy named roy, & all he fed his koi was poi, he decided to put in a toy buoy, & mini pirates that said ahoy, it gave the koi much joy, but little did they know it was all a ploy, to get them to learn the works of tolstoy

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:44 PM PDT
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Tuesday, 3 May 2005
quote of the day
i haven't had one in quite a while & not that i don't hear funny things everyday but simply cuz by the time i get home nowadays i'm too tired to remember....

this one is a slight inside joke

me: ah you're understanding me already hahhaha
pierre: hahaha "you're so delicate when you eat"

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:59 PM PDT
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Monday, 2 May 2005
pure innocence
& in the midst of the hectic life of being a berkeley student, she sees this gorgeous flower slowly blossoming with every day

she is inspired by the white glow of this rose flaunting its beauty along a trash strewn sidewalk

& understanding the short life of this moment she snapped a picture in hopes that it may last forever...



Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:33 PM PDT
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Sunday, 1 May 2005
snatching others' words
Now Playing: a lot like love soundtrack
so my cousin was just telling me how she watched a lot like love & how she liked the soundtrack & i said yea..that's the first thing i said after i saw it too!

& then today chanda comes over for pizza & hands me the soundtrack cuz she bought it yesterday & brought it so i could copy it...

wow....all i can say is great minds think alike..i didn't even mention it yesterday

anyways...i don't know if it's because it reminds me of the movie or simply because i like the song but brighter than sunshine by aqualung is simply beautiful...

Brighter than sunshine

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didnt believe in destiny
I look up you're standing next to me
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, i don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine
And it's brighter than sunshine

I never saw it happening
I'd given up and given in
I just couldn't take the hurt again
What a feeling

I didn't have the strength to fight
Suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

I got a feeling in my soul ...(repeat chorus to end)




all i can say is i wish that would happen to me....




so i was cleaning up the area around me...

i have the tendency to scribble stuff on post its i think of or things i find on sites or quotes as i read that i find intriguing & then i forget about it & i clean & find a mound of amazing tidbits...

gawd i'm so "artsy" prone like that..like writing ideas on napkins anyways...

so i share one quote with you i saw when i was reading legal studies last semester was it? yea...

"Those who most need to be made wiser and better, usually desire it least, and, if they desired it, would be incapable of finding the way to it by their own lights."

in that sense i'm glad i am always trying to find ways to improve myself so i know i don't fall into that category

there has been a random orange piece of paper floating about my desk since summer before sophomore year w/ a heart cut out of it (a heart i used for a card template) & on it were a few page numbers out of gaudy night a book we read for english that summer...i don't know if i ever finished reading it...the story itself was kinda stupid but the wording was very nice...the character development as well...

i'm looking up the quotes now & here is what i have

(p. 55)
"Something funny there, thought Harriet. A personal history, probably. How difficult it was not to be embittered by personal experience. She went down to the J.C.R. and examined herself in the mirror. There had been a look in the History Tutor's eyes that she did not wish to discover in her own."

on that same page i had underlined some stuff too i don't know if it was for a paper but i'm guessing not

"All women are sensitive to male criticism. Men are not sensitive to female criticism."

(p. 64, a conversation between two past lovers i believe)
"It would be better to forget all about it--I hoped you had."
"I have the most ill-regulated memory. It does those things which it ought not to do and leaves undone the things it ought to have done. But it has not yet gone on strike altogether."


haha & on the back of the orange paper is a phone number i do not recognize...that i never even noticed was there (it was folded)

& thus ends my snatching from others' wisdom for today

but it's always interesting to find these quotes & fully recall & understand the state i was in at the time....the thoughtfulness & the sadness & the pain & the desire to let go & the recalibration of my life so i end up where i am happy...

yes all this from a few messily scribbled post its

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:39 PM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 1 May 2005 6:44 PM PDT
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Saturday, 30 April 2005
how realistic...
tatt picture

my friend just got a tatt w/ a revised version of the above picture & he said: it's an interesting story. the guy in flames is sort of a negative version of the hero on the bottom, and the hero has to sacrifice his memory of himself so that the villain does not exist.

it IS a good message...
i think people need to follow that more often...that was the only way i could've found the current me...

wow i sound cult/infomercial like

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:13 PM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 1 May 2005 6:47 PM PDT
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random things about relationships
so after a long day & somewhat calm night i went to get ready for bed at about 2-3am & near my door i heard screaming & yelling...it was a girl & guy something about the relationship...i couldn't really make out the majority of the words...but i heard a few key ones...

this went on for about an hour...

i heard him louder than her & then when she'd talk he would shush her as if she was too loud or he didn't want her to talk or something...

i wanted to bash his head in & i didn't even know who he was...

& i realized i had not really yelled or gotten that emotional in a long time..the last time i yelled was probably yelling back at my mom regarding we know what & even that was a while ago...

& when i had fights w/ boys...i never really yell...maybe i'm forgetting...which is possible...i remember other people yelling at me before but i don't think i ever really yelled at anyone...


i've been taking so many quizzes on tickle when i have the chance...i guess i had signed up for it in 2002 & forgot about it...sooo...yea...

all the relationship ones i get similar things...in terms of me being a gf or dating...it appears i have a grasp of how to be a really good gf or date or whatever....(haha i love how i got this from quizzes)

& at work it hit me randomly...

yea i had "perfected" myself as much as i could already...i had cut out most of my insecurities...
but all this didn't matter...
because in the past the problem was not me...it was the guy

& i guess maybe that WAS my problem...

maybe my taste was the problem...

my sense of trust was given too freely

according to another test i'm supposed to fall for my bosses or professors or mentors or a "troubled genius"...which i told erick & oy did the evilness begin haha....but it was funny


another random thing...

recently a friend told me about his not talking to his roommate/old high school friend because he started fooling around w/ a mutual friend's gf which made them break up & the girl & that guy are still together...

my friend said that he has no honor
(some people that read this now know who i'm talking about...aka greg haha)
my friend is all about honor...he's about camarderie...he's a marine...

i totally agree that that guy has no honor & he's an ass for doing what he did...

but at the same time...it hit on an old memory i had of this friend...& it made me want to tell him he was a hypocrite...camarderie was not just something between guys...



i had introduced ken & this friend to each other because my friend was very into wanting to join the marines & since ken was they hit it off...

my friend knew the details of my breakup...the deceit the assholeness...everything..we were closer back then...

i remember it had been a few months after my break up with ken...

it was the worst break up ever...i know i have never really gone into great detail but i think after reading a few entries of my blog you got it somewhat pieced together....

it was probably the worst because it was the first "real" relationship i had...it really broke my image of love & i had never felt betrayal like this before...& i was devastated...i withdrew from everyone...even chanda...i barely talked to her...she had no way of understand...hell she still doesn't but whatever...

anyways...

so this friend knew i was going through really hard times...

& ken decided to come up to hang out for his birthday....he was turning 21 that year...so he was going bar hopping & what not...ken im'd him to hang out....& my friend told me everything that was happening as it was happening...

which reminds me of that whole night...oy it was horrible...i was talking to ben as ken was there & ken pretended to be ben as he talked to me online...it was fucking messed up

anyways...so ben decided to go hang out w/ ken despite my reminding him of what ken did to me...

when i asked why she said something to the effect of him being a marine...

wtf does that have to do with anything...it has no reflection on how he is as a person...

HE has no honor

& where is the camaraderie between us

& then my friend couldn't find him so he called me for ken's number....such fucking bullshit

gawd i'm getting really upset all over again

like incredibly upset...wow....

ok that was really weird....(i just im'd that friend cuz i was so angry....i guess he somewhat clarified things...but wow that night really sucked anyways)

moving on...




enough about relationships...

so i realized i should really send over some graduation & mother's day cards to campus market cuz last year i sold almost 10 cards just on mother's day...i sold them for cheaper then too but it was nice...

so i couldn't find my mother's day stack...i ahve no idea where the crap they are....maybe at home but i felt so unorganized oy...anyways

so i decided to make new mother's day cards..just a repeat of last years cuz i didn't feel like being "exciting" & i patched up the grad cards i used for last year too...

i hadn't made a card since christmas & even then those were really rushed...though i really liked last years...i still think they were cute...

anyways...i remember how much i enjoy it...

although i love cooking...this is my first love...

i guess there is something substantial in holding something i made in my hand...& not eating it....haha...i guess cuz you can see the love...& this can be kept forever

& i guess the fact that i can sell them doesn't hurt either...not the money part really but that i can be part of something that makes someone else feel special...

i know that sounds corny...

but i genuinely mean it...

i don't know...after watching hitch i thought it wasn't such a bad idea...i mean...helping others out...i think i've always had a way of making people feel special...& imagine that as a business...anyways...i'm not in it for the money

so my point was...cards...right

so...(ok i just got distracted for like 2 hrs)

anyways....so cards

when i was in the mode of making cards i felt so good about myself...& i get into this really creative bubble....i think of ideas i would've never thought of otherwise...& phrases & the perfect way to word things...

i love the person i am when i'm making cards...

anyway...i'm done

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 2:31 AM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 1 May 2005 6:50 PM PDT
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