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C is for...candor
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Saturday, 30 April 2005
random things about relationships
so after a long day & somewhat calm night i went to get ready for bed at about 2-3am & near my door i heard screaming & yelling...it was a girl & guy something about the relationship...i couldn't really make out the majority of the words...but i heard a few key ones...

this went on for about an hour...

i heard him louder than her & then when she'd talk he would shush her as if she was too loud or he didn't want her to talk or something...

i wanted to bash his head in & i didn't even know who he was...

& i realized i had not really yelled or gotten that emotional in a long time..the last time i yelled was probably yelling back at my mom regarding we know what & even that was a while ago...

& when i had fights w/ boys...i never really yell...maybe i'm forgetting...which is possible...i remember other people yelling at me before but i don't think i ever really yelled at anyone...


i've been taking so many quizzes on tickle when i have the chance...i guess i had signed up for it in 2002 & forgot about it...sooo...yea...

all the relationship ones i get similar things...in terms of me being a gf or dating...it appears i have a grasp of how to be a really good gf or date or whatever....(haha i love how i got this from quizzes)

& at work it hit me randomly...

yea i had "perfected" myself as much as i could already...i had cut out most of my insecurities...
but all this didn't matter...
because in the past the problem was not me...it was the guy

& i guess maybe that WAS my problem...

maybe my taste was the problem...

my sense of trust was given too freely

according to another test i'm supposed to fall for my bosses or professors or mentors or a "troubled genius"...which i told erick & oy did the evilness begin haha....but it was funny


another random thing...

recently a friend told me about his not talking to his roommate/old high school friend because he started fooling around w/ a mutual friend's gf which made them break up & the girl & that guy are still together...

my friend said that he has no honor
(some people that read this now know who i'm talking about...aka greg haha)
my friend is all about honor...he's about camarderie...he's a marine...

i totally agree that that guy has no honor & he's an ass for doing what he did...

but at the same time...it hit on an old memory i had of this friend...& it made me want to tell him he was a hypocrite...camarderie was not just something between guys...



i had introduced ken & this friend to each other because my friend was very into wanting to join the marines & since ken was they hit it off...

my friend knew the details of my breakup...the deceit the assholeness...everything..we were closer back then...

i remember it had been a few months after my break up with ken...

it was the worst break up ever...i know i have never really gone into great detail but i think after reading a few entries of my blog you got it somewhat pieced together....

it was probably the worst because it was the first "real" relationship i had...it really broke my image of love & i had never felt betrayal like this before...& i was devastated...i withdrew from everyone...even chanda...i barely talked to her...she had no way of understand...hell she still doesn't but whatever...

anyways...

so this friend knew i was going through really hard times...

& ken decided to come up to hang out for his birthday....he was turning 21 that year...so he was going bar hopping & what not...ken im'd him to hang out....& my friend told me everything that was happening as it was happening...

which reminds me of that whole night...oy it was horrible...i was talking to ben as ken was there & ken pretended to be ben as he talked to me online...it was fucking messed up

anyways...so ben decided to go hang out w/ ken despite my reminding him of what ken did to me...

when i asked why she said something to the effect of him being a marine...

wtf does that have to do with anything...it has no reflection on how he is as a person...

HE has no honor

& where is the camaraderie between us

& then my friend couldn't find him so he called me for ken's number....such fucking bullshit

gawd i'm getting really upset all over again

like incredibly upset...wow....

ok that was really weird....(i just im'd that friend cuz i was so angry....i guess he somewhat clarified things...but wow that night really sucked anyways)

moving on...




enough about relationships...

so i realized i should really send over some graduation & mother's day cards to campus market cuz last year i sold almost 10 cards just on mother's day...i sold them for cheaper then too but it was nice...

so i couldn't find my mother's day stack...i ahve no idea where the crap they are....maybe at home but i felt so unorganized oy...anyways

so i decided to make new mother's day cards..just a repeat of last years cuz i didn't feel like being "exciting" & i patched up the grad cards i used for last year too...

i hadn't made a card since christmas & even then those were really rushed...though i really liked last years...i still think they were cute...

anyways...i remember how much i enjoy it...

although i love cooking...this is my first love...

i guess there is something substantial in holding something i made in my hand...& not eating it....haha...i guess cuz you can see the love...& this can be kept forever

& i guess the fact that i can sell them doesn't hurt either...not the money part really but that i can be part of something that makes someone else feel special...

i know that sounds corny...

but i genuinely mean it...

i don't know...after watching hitch i thought it wasn't such a bad idea...i mean...helping others out...i think i've always had a way of making people feel special...& imagine that as a business...anyways...i'm not in it for the money

so my point was...cards...right

so...(ok i just got distracted for like 2 hrs)

anyways....so cards

when i was in the mode of making cards i felt so good about myself...& i get into this really creative bubble....i think of ideas i would've never thought of otherwise...& phrases & the perfect way to word things...

i love the person i am when i'm making cards...

anyway...i'm done

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 2:31 AM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 1 May 2005 6:50 PM PDT
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Wednesday, 27 April 2005
reality check
so i talked to chanda today...we went out for "dinner" i hadn't seen or talked to her in what feels like forever...

we updated each other...

she told me something & for some reason i was not resistant to the thought...(i think the old me would've been annoyed) she said: if something hasn't happened by now...maybe it never will...

i knew she was probably right...& i don't know why i continue to stay so optimistic...

i'm probably just waiting for that tiny glitch & slip that might make that certain "something" just happen....*poof*

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:09 PM PDT
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dream-movie
i had a dream last night...it was so detailed...& it was so weird...i'm almost embarrassed to say i had it cuz it plays on some of my wishes...

i think the strangest part of it all was the best thing happened but then near the end i realized that i was only an actress acting out this perfect story....

it made me so sad....

i even dreamt acting out the credits part...

& it involved people i knew in real life...

& the funny thing is that this guy sang part oft eh credits song (it was sup'd to be funny) & he said this really random line about history (i remembered when i woke up but now i forget) & i think near the end i knew i was waking up from a dream but i was thinking..wow that song line was very clever...but since this is my dream technically I thought it up & therefore I am clever haha...

but yea no one will get to know this dream unless you're a select couple of people...(di, ask me haha)
muhahhaha:P seriously though it's not THAT exciting

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:51 PM PDT
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quote of the day-rawr, raves, & curves
*two girls walk in the door that we're walking to leave through* (one of the girls is kinda cute)
gareth: rarrrrrrrwr (tiger like)
me: i can't believe you just did that....



*gareth is slightly dancing outside our classroom before midterm*
jamie: you do realize you're going to a midterm & not a rave, right?
jon: cuts to scene of gareth standing in the middle of all these people dancing w/ strobe lights w/ his cheat sheet & a pencil



jon: instead of curving the tests to like 50% why can't the professors curve their teaching so that we actually understand what they teach
jamie: cuz this school is not about making us feel good it's about making us ACTUALLY learn

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:37 PM PDT
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Tuesday, 26 April 2005
quote for the day-poisson
jon: fuck poisson. I think Poisson should be a swear word. You Poissonety Poisson!

me: ok i'll head over then...
erick: i could pick you up, it seems like that's what the dots represented
me: haha no it's fine
erick: ok then. if you really want to walk
me: ok fine pick me up
erick: ha 5 min

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:26 PM PDT
Updated: Wednesday, 27 April 2005 1:38 PM PDT
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being a saint
i don't really understand why i always seem to find myself in the position of needing to be a "saint" i have to forgive & forget...i have to deal with people's crap & pissy moods & i'm suppose to do all this with a smile & in a gracious manner as if this is ok...

i mean nothing major has happened to make me write this...but i realize again once in a while that i do that so much...

people talk to me as if they can take their anger out on me & this is ok...

& you know what? yes i do put up with it..cuz i'm nice enough to...but that doesn't make it ok....& if i were anyone else i'd be yelling at you by now...

multiple people in recent days has triggered this...so yea...

another random thing...

when i ask people if they are ok or if things are going alright...i don't just say that crap superficially i usually say it because it seems as if it needs to be asked...you're either being rather rude/bitchy/a butt or you just seem really down...don't sit there & look at me as if i'm stupid when i ask...& respond w/ a defensive "NO why??" gawd i'm just looking out for you ok?....rawr rawr...this only proves to me more that someting is wrong....& now you're just not sharing

i realized that i never seem to impose this burden as much on others....what i mean is...ok yes i get pissy (oh shuddup if you're a guy & thinking oh once a month cuz for your info i don't get pissy those times of the month anyways) so yes i get pissy but i either internalize or i rant or i just plain tell you i'm in a bad mood...i don't really go around bringing people's day down...i found a lot of my friends do that...they go around ruining other people's days & i can't stand that..the world does NOT revolove around you...so what if you're pissy...just contain it & move on with your life...it's not a big deal....yea sometimes i am a bit more direct when i'm biotchy as in i will flat out say i'm really stressed & busy i will talk to you later...i don't put on some...guilt trip as if by talking to them they are also ruining my life or something (extreme eg, "hey" "what do you want?") oh & trust me say something nice in a "what do you want" tone is exactly the same freaking thing

anyways...i just needed to let that out cuz i don't think people realize how underappreciated i am hmph! hahah.....

oh yea i'm not equating myself to a saint:P

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:23 AM PDT
Updated: Wednesday, 27 April 2005 1:55 PM PDT
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Monday, 25 April 2005
IEOR & South Park
so i talk & talk about them yet you probably have no idea what they look like...
jon sent me this south park generator then then we just spent the last 3 hrs doing this...enjoy:)

IEOR & South Park


Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:32 PM PDT
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quote for the day-Markov
this is will be nerdy & basically almost no one will understand hahah

doug: where are you going?
erick: i don't know (trails off....)
jon: if life were a markov chain would it be transient or recurrent?

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 6:59 PM PDT
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Sunday, 24 April 2005
Inkblot Test
Connie, your subconscious mind is driven most by Imagination

This means you have a deep desire to use innovative ideas to enhance your life and influence the world around you. This drive influences you far more than you may realize on a conscious level.

Your need to be innovative drives how you look at new opportunities and the kinds of experiences in life you choose to have. On an unconscious level, the reason you may be so driven by imagination is your fear of destruction, the opposite of creation. When you are unable to create due to restrictions imposed by your environment or even ones you unwittingly impose on yourself, do you feel trapped or confined? You may find these feelings of unease only get better when you find another outlet for your imagination.

With such a strong creative orientation, you are willing to entertain a broad spectrum of ideas at any given time. The world is a fuller, richer place because you can contribute new ideas to any experience. Your natural curiosity inspires those around you and encourages them to come up with ideas they wouldn't have thought of without your help.

Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Imagination, there is much more to who you are at your core.


go to tickle if you wanna take the inkblot test (it kinda takes a while though)

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:41 PM PDT
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Saturday, 23 April 2005
what's in a name
"a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet"



i had been meaning to write this entry for probably almost a year now...

it was this that had orginally inspired me:




it was a name tag stuck onto an emergency pole that i pass on my walk home almost everyday...

it was my name...but it wasn't me...

& i had been meaning to take the picture for a while but i didn't want people to think i was weird so i finally took the picture when no one was around on march 28th w/ my phone...

i remember when i first saw it...

i thought hmm...wow my name is so much more common than i realized

i used to...& i guess i still do HATE it when people used to call me connie chung...whether it be by accident or to be funny...

it's nothing about her really but simply because i want to be known as a separate person & i guess it's one of my pet peeves (of several if you want to say something to piss me off)

since i was little, i hated my name....
i remember being really mean & wanting to steal my cousin's name...i told my mom i wanted to change my name to "diana ballerina" & that was that...

& am i glad now i did not

the diana would be fine but i don't know how well the ballerina would go over in the business world...

so i've often questioned how my name fit me...

i never thought i looked like a connie

but i also can't think of a better name for myself
i mean that i "look" like...

(you know how some people just fit their name...like oh that's how a ruth should look etc)

anyways...i asked chris once...what if i was my middle name...lynn & he said...no not really

so what am i? (name wise)

supposedly i was named after the singer connie francis & my mom chose lynn after my chinese name

& i guess in a way it seems professional...& more recently i have played off of the fact that my initials are CC...

at work...they refer to everyone on paper w/ their initials...don't really know why...i guess it's unique to each person...but i thought it was nerdily cute that one of my bosses referred on a note to me as C^2

i also remember in elementary school when jessica chen & i were best friends & when notebooks were starting to be in...we said our initial were JAC (jess ann chen) & CLC (con lynn chen) so together we were jack the seal's....we named our notebook jack the seal's notebook...it was soo random

i guess it's kinda weird since names really don't seem important because like the shakespeare quote...a person will be the same person with or without that name...

but at the same time...it makes or breaks the person...imagine being called some horrible name that scars you...

& i wonder if people with great flowing names really grow up to be more successful or meant to be hosts...

like on food network "rachael ray" & "marc summers" & "giada delaurentis" & "jim o'conner" those flow so well...or maybe it's just cuz i'm used to them...
i don't know...

& are you supposed to feel like someone robbed you of some identity when someone has the same name as you?...

i know chen is common so there is bound to be other connie chen's...

heck i had a girl in my chinese school class for i don't even know how many years (we stayed w/ the same people as we moved up grades) with the name connie chen...she was also a twin...that must've been horrible feeling...identity lost w/ a twin & now someone w/ her name as well? ahhh

& for girls...when in the movies they practice their name w/ the last name of the guy they hae a crush on...

i don't know what that would feel like...

to suddenly be connie lynn ____fill in the blank____
to think that once you get married you have a different identity than the one you had before you entered...& although that's true...you have to take on new responsibilities..you're not a different person...

& i guess more & more people keep their maiden names...

anyways...i remember having more to say...but i think i lost my train of thought...so that is all...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 6:59 PM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 24 April 2005 11:55 AM PDT
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