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C is for...candor
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Saturday, 23 April 2005
a few random things...
1. Beauty & the Beast made me feel better yesterday...i really enjoy the old Disney...i wish i still had the other ones here...things like love & happiness just seem so much easier to grasp in those movies...

2. went to farmer's market today...ok i was wearing just capris & a sweater & some black guy made some sexual comment & i felt uncomfortable the rest of the time i was out...i don't think i've felt so uncomfortable in my own skin in a while...i wasn't even dressed provocatively....oy...i kept pulled down my sweater the rest of the time...i hate that feeling...

3. i haven't done my quote for the day in a while since i've been all pissy...

so...for my ieor 165 class we need to choose groups...at most 3 per group...so we emailed back & forth this morning to figure it out...alex sent out some weird email listing only some of the possibilities (eg, jon, alex & connie, doug, erick or alex, erick & jon, doug, connie, etc) & it was weird cuz he just wrote "..." as if we couldn't figure it out ourselves haha...so jon decided to fix it by sending out a full list of possibilities:

So with 5 people, the possible combinations for one pair and one triple are:

1. AC, DEJ
2. AD, CEJ
3. AE, CDJ
4. AJ, CDE
5. CD, AEJ
6. CE, ADJ
7. CJ, ADE
8. DE, ACJ
9. DJ, ACE
10. EJ, ACD

to which gareth (who already has a group) replied:

To simplify Jon's calcluation, the there are 5 choose 3 (or choose 2)combinations of a pair and a triple. That means 10 groups. :)

to which jamie (who is in gareth's group) replied:

Gareth is a nerd
no offense Garreth... haha

even though I'm not really involved in this I think you guys should go with Group 9... because the first letters of all your names spell out
"DJ ACE"... so on that basis alone, combo #9 is clearly the best


i guess i'm pretty nerdy too cuz i thought it was pretty funny...


4. i finally transferred the futurama rap onto my cell phone for my ringtone...even though it didn't work the night before when i did the same exact thing...freaking technology

i think that's all i have to say for now...have a good weekend all

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:30 PM PDT
Updated: Saturday, 23 April 2005 1:31 PM PDT
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Friday, 22 April 2005
a dip
so i was really excited about the student faculty banquet...

i guess cuz i wanted to finally relax for a bit & dressing up would be fun i guess....

but something about the night made me feel really really icky...

i went home...(well i barely had sleep...& mind you when i say barely i mean barely because my average sleep time is probably 4-5 hrs a night) & i spent 2 hrs trying to figure out the darn bluetooth..i got so frustrated...jon knows:P

& i felt really dizzy all of a sudden so i went to bed

& today...my mood was like the weather...it started out sunny....i tried to not let the previous day's events cause me to be bleh so i was trying to be normal...

but then there was wind..& gray clouds...& thunder & pouring rain...

i don't know if it was still yesterday's stuff or because i felt so beh at work...i felt like i was doing nothing right...

i spent forever researching who to buy supplies from & i ordered them...& then my boss was like "sounds like you were ripped off" & i felt soo beeeeh...cuz i wasn't...for the things i bought! & then i walked to copy central twice & the stuff took forever to get done & they were kinda annoyed at me...but it wasn't my fault...all the papers had freaking post its on them & i had to remove or they were stapled so i had to remove & then staple again...& it was 800 pages of copying...what'd they expect!...i have experience at copying too freaking a....& then in the rain i had to walk to kinko's to drop of fed ex stuff...it was so much tedious crap that i hate...i just like doing the stuff on the comp....anyways....& then i shouldn't have told them that i was going to get a free incredibles clock w/ my order cuz then the guy that sent me in the rain asked if he could have it when it came...it was the one thing i was excited about...beh

i hate feeling down...HATE it...

i'll probably sleep early tonight...

i need it

i've been pretty darn irritable...

& the sad thing is i can't even say anything on here cuz i don't know who reads this anymore..sometimes i can't trust it...
it's probably better that i don't rant anyways...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 7:32 PM PDT
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Wednesday, 20 April 2005
sometimes...
ok so i'm really behind on studying/hw so i shouldn't be here but this'll be a quicky

sometimes i wonder how people make it through life as far as they do being who they are...

what i mean is...they don't even have the decent courtesy to make it through life & for others will their rudeness they can't even keep strangers from getting pissed at them...so how do they make it work for them? how do they even begin to interact w/ those around them?

whether it be like angry drivers or people that notice you in front of them but would rather walk you over than move slightly to the left or right...you know simple things like that...

i GUESS you could call it aggressiveness

but i just call it common sense...

but i've always thought about this & never written it down...so yea

sometimes it's in the way they talk too...

i had a good friend in hs...she was the funniest person ever but she never meant to be because she could jsut be so offensive & not realize it...granted the people she was offensive to weren't that great of people so i would just laugh...she was super super smart & talented in many areas too

eg, we were working on a project together w/ a person i will call jane...so we were at jane's house & we saw all these plaques on the wall & we asked jane what they were...she said ooh well i submitted some poetry & writing & i got these plaques...my friend looked at them for a bit & was like OOOOOh i know why these look familiar! i saw it on 60 minutes & they said how they're just companies that take your money & give you an "award" & how it was all fraud & they were busting them....jane just stood there...she didn't know what to say & i think she eventually said she needed to get something & walked off...i was holding in the laughter....& my friend had no idea she just offended her hahahha....she was so freaking funny...jane was definitely someone that wanted to be an overachiever & very very arrogant about it....she was never mean to me but i knew that most people hated her...
it was funny to "hit" her in the most direct way possible

anyways...the point was...that sometimes you just know that w/out that sense of awareness these people are gonna end up no where...it doesn't matter how smart you are...

if you can't fit into your environment you're as good as dead

ok back to the books....

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 5:42 PM PDT
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Tuesday, 19 April 2005
oh yea quote
for yesterday...

erick: do you think oren would mind if we used his license plate as a background for a page?
me: no..i don't think he'd care...what is it?
erick: DEC GAME
me: hmm i don't get it
erick: you know..like decision game, decision analysis
me: i guess it's good he doesn't have DEC ANAL



for today...

doug: how would you kill a chinchilla for its fur? i mean you don't want it to be messy & bleed

later...

doug: let's go gas some chinchillas

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:20 PM PDT
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sex on tv
this came up in our lounge convo as well & i was just going to kinda rant about it here...at work...so if i don't finish i will continue later...

this is to remind me to rant not that i need a reminder..ever



Sooo?my rant?
I kind of forget how this came up but Gareth mentioned watching BET (haha) & there were girls naked on the screen bent over w/ anything private blurred out?& there were a lot of inappropriate things going on?& I know Jon went on to say something about how stupid it was that sex was such a no no on tv. & that people try to keep it off tv when most of the time it?s on our minds anyways?.i understand his viewpt..yea sex it so natural (eg, violence is not) why the hell does it matter if it?s shown on tv to kids?.or maybe that wasn?t his pt?but nonethe less he?s probably gonna get ?annoyed? at me after I write this entry?or if he chooses to read this?
Well?I completely agree with the fact that sex is a natural part of life but the way it is portrayed on tv i is no what I want my kids to see?& I know this is the argument that most protective parents give?& I don?t want to be protective..hell I?ll be willing to tell my kids about the birds & the bees whenever they want (because the longer you withhold this ?truth? the more awkward it is & they will eventually find out from someone else anyways?& I?d rather have a say in what they know haha) so anyways?my point is that television tends to either romanticize or try to make you scared of or make it seem like women are objects?.
These are hardly the images of sex I want for my kids?
I want them to know the facts & then to proceed as they wish maturely?I?m not saying go out there & have sex but I?m also not saying you have to wait for marriage (like my parents instilled in me)?I don?t WANT to have to impose any sort of thinking like that onto them?I?d like to think I will raise them mature enough to know what is right for them?I want them to know the pros & cons of every situation?
Ok I will go into my definitions of romanticize, try to make you scared of or make it seem like women are objects (though the last one is self explainable)?you watch soap operas or any drama show for that matter?sex is either a gasp?oh no what if so & so finds out that they did it?or a omg I?m so happy they finally did it?did what! Wth does sex mean in these cases?maybe I?m being a freaking girl about this?I take that back I KNOW I?m being a freaking girl about this?but to me, like for a lot girls?sex is not just a thing you do?& here comes the double standard?if it IS just something you do & you?re a girl then you?re a slut?guys..you?re studs?anyways that was not my point?soo there?s this weird association with love & sex?I mean I guess this is as true in real life as it is on tv but?people seem to make the 2 synonymous?sex never means love?never?unless the love is already there to begin with sex with have nothing to do with love?(ok I know I?m rambling but I don?t care anymore) I guess I would want to make this clear to my kid?you need to figure out where you stand with yourself before you just dive in?because once you?re there & you have no idea why you did what you did?you?re in a rut?
As for making people scared of sex on tv?.so there are plenty of ads to make you aware of all the bad things that can happen to you..some tv shows do some pregnancy scare too?just to remind you?these are of course the cons that should be communicated but at the same time?these, unless you want them to, should not be the only reasons that keep you from having sex because these alone are not strong enough (well for some people, maybe they are but for others, one small convincing comment or peer pressure & you forget all about it)?
& the whole women as objects thing?most of the ?sex? shown on tv nowadays is not even sex..it?s just women & basically women alone in suggesting clothes/positions/what have you?& although I don?t care if my child sees this since it is such a part of society & the media?I want them to understand that it is just that?the media?for my girl(s), I don?t want them to feel the pressure to be a certain way to be happy with themselves?but of course if that is really what makes them happy so be it..though I would question this?& for my boy(s), I would never want to them treat a girl or boy for that matter in such a way?no human is deserving of being treated the way a lot of women are on tv?

anyways I didn?t really have a real point to this rant cept that the little tidbit in the lounge made me think is all?

I guess in the end?like with any issue?I see both sides?I just?well?I would just want my kids or whatever to see a more well-rounded view of sex?not just what?s on tv?

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:41 PM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 19 April 2005 4:01 PM PDT
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wow...
i just clicked on my favorites leading to me to my entry with my life's to do list cuz i forgot about it

i read the entries before & after it...& i was in awe...

i was so unhappy i couldn't even describe it in words...granted my entries then were probably better in ways (not the rants but the ones w/ substance) just cuz i was more emotional...& dramatic for that matter

i guess it's good that i'm quick to forget my pain at least the shortlived parts...

i guess that's how i can stay the way i am...
well that & my overly forgiving nature:P

i am writing this to remind myself how happy i am...

even on my downer days i'm relatively happy

i have a bunch of stuff on my plate...yea...but that's how i like it i think

in the end it gives into my wanting to help out & it makes me happy...i think that's why i love work so much...i can see the direct results of my working & i love that feeling...i feel like i'm making a difference even if it's small...

hell i have a quiz this week & a midterm next & yet i'm really calm & i'm really taking my time with everything...

& i love this new me...

i don't think i've been as happy as i am now in a long long time...

things are finally starting to fall into place

on a random note...i'm really excited for the student-faculty banquet...i'm not quite sure why...maybe cuz i get to play dress up (plus i bought shoes that i now have an excuse to wear even though they weren't the original ones i wanted to wear but i could talk about that for an hr so i'll shut up now) & maybe it's cuz it's jack london square which is kinda fun too & cuz we getta eat yummy food! & i want to take pictures of us ieor friends...we don't actually have one...plus if i getta sit with oren or burgstone i think it'd be really entertaining...

anyways...i'm so glad my life is not tangled in the web of tiny insignificant details that just cause me unneccessary pain, sadness, & anger...

i'm happy to be aware of my happiness...

love you all! :)

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:10 AM PDT
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Monday, 18 April 2005
random pic updates
let's see...i finally uploaded my very random pics mostly to show my cousin...




this is the dress i wore to the party friday




that was today in ieor 171...there was a horrendous sounding fire alarm so we all had to go outside..i had given rick my camera to take yearbook pics so he snapped some shots..without me even knowing i guess

that's it...i found out today that we have a midterm next wednesday (not as in me not knowing/being stupid but he decided that day today & just wrote it on the board...wow my weekend is shot)

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:43 PM PDT
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Sunday, 17 April 2005
mini rant
a few things first...

1) don't people know how to "be people" (i know what i'm trying to get at in mandarin but i can't seem to word it right in english)
2) people are freaking immature
3) nothing gets my spirits up like futurama...it's amazing

"the devil's hands are idle playthings" is freaking awesome

Leela: Please don't stop playing Fry. I wanna hear how it ends.

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:43 PM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 17 April 2005 9:50 PM PDT
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visions of people
Now Playing: vertical horizon-everything you want
i was looking through my cd's & really missed this cd so i was listening

& i came to that song that was so popular in high school...it's so sad but it kinda made me realize

well obviously you are not everything she wants because otherwise she WOULD be with you

i know that sounds bitchy...but sometimes a person's vision of himself/herself for someone else doesn't really work...

that or she's blinded by something else about you...which is likely...

on another note, sometimes it makes me sad to have to admit that someone does not fit the profile i fit for them...

this guy i always deemed very innocent said something really kinda annoying the other day that made me realize he is like any other guy...which kind of disappointed me...(this is not a close friend but yea)

people need to step out of the box & stop being typical guys/girls

that's all i have to say

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:57 PM PDT
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dreams
i haven't had a dream in a while worth talking about...

oh yea cept that weird one about the pope's death...

some guy tried to rob us but somehow we convinced him that we should watch who would be appointed the next pope before he decides if he needs to rob/kill us...so we all sat there watching the television...& i think the dream ended when the appointed person was like dogma style cartoon jesus

anyways that was unrelated to my dream from last night...

this was a dream from the morning cuz i tend to remember dreams more if i wake up sleepy & then head back to sleep...

i was at some party...with dancing...i think i came with a date but he was no where to be seen or else he was always busy...everytime a slow song came on...i stood in the middle of the dance floor, looked around & realized there was no one to dance with...i walked off to the side to make room for other couples...i guess in the dream i really really liked my date a lot...i remember him being very attractive but no one i knew i real life...in my mind i had made this out to be the night where something was going to happen...eg, somewhat let him know i liked him....after a while the lights dimmed & a slow song came on again...& for some reason i knew it was the last song of the night...i looked around again & i saw him on the edge of the dancefloor dancing w/ a younger (like middle school) girl w/ coke bottle glasses & pigtails & she was dancing as if it was a fast song & she was all over the place...& he just politely danced with her....& in my head i was like "ok this is it" i walked over & asked if i could have this dance...the girl got so mad at me...& he said i'm really sorry but she's my date & i DID dance with you the previous dance...so reluctantly the girl left...he hugged me from behind with one arm & i had a smile i could not take off my face...& i was giggling...then he did a weird dramatic dip & kissed me...i was very taken aback...but i was very happy....(it was kind of like "a lot like love"'s new year kiss not that i'm endorsing that movie cuz it kinda sucked)

i used to have the randomest dreams that probably meant nothing...but as i grow older my dreams seem to be more & more realistic (minus the pope one hahah) & well there seems to be more direct meaning...

i'm not sure if they display my most inner desires i want for myself or are they just referring to other things....

but through my dreams you could probably understand me a lot...

though strangely i've never dreamt about cooking much...or card making or any of that stuff for that matter...i guess it's never a source of stress for me though...

recently i've been thinking about this one dream i had when it was nearing the end of dom & my relationship...& i think i've talked about it before but i will remention it because otherwise it will keep swimming in my head & i don't want that...i'd rather just let it out...

so...i forget if i've talked about what i'm about to say here recently or if it's just been in my head a lot & i haven't actually written it...

you know when people say "i'm so happy for you" it's always a polite saying...& most people don't actually mean it...they just say it for the sake of saying it...& to sound nice, of course...

& i realize more & more...when i say it i mean it...

especially if it is a good friend or a loved one...

or like i'll say "i'm so excited for you"

i genuinely genuinely mean it..there is no sarcasm & there is no spite or bitterness...& it's not just cuz it sounds nice...

i think i've always been able to detach myself from the jealous state to genuinely mean something like that

the best example is...

people always pursue & pursue a love they cannot have...& when they find out that person is with someone else & they are very happy...the pursuer gets incredibly angry....& he/she say with a touch of spite "well i'm happy for you" just to seem diplomatic...

no one ever means that...

but i guess this dream proves that i really do when i say that...

when you care about someone a lot...you know when to let go....

you know when to throw in the towel & you know when to just say "he/she obviously happier with someone else...so why try to change that" you suck in your pride a bit & the pain to understand that if you truly care, you want what is best for him/her...& i with time you will realize this trickles down to you as well...(if you two were together & he/she was not happy what kind of relationship is that)

so after that long buildup here is my dream...

it started with me planning a wedding...i was dressed up in a businessy suit & i was running around the reception area making sure the favors were perfect (they were glass ornaments with things inside that i think i had made for them) i was making sure everything was in order...
out came the groom...& it was dominic..i think my heart cringed
he checked with me to see if everything was in order
he left & out came the bride...it was "her"
she was super bitchy to me...she was yelling at me for something...i was just trying to stay calm...she said something about the favors not being perfect & there weren't enough...so she told me to go make more
i said there were no more materials so she told me to go buy more...
i went to a michael's like store & it was not open yet so i waited outside til it opened...i picked up some more materials & rushed back to the reception site
i think i finished setting up...
i don't really remember but i think i either said or to thought to myself...i'm really happy for him...& i want everything to be perfect not necessarily for her but for him...i want this to be memorable for him....

& then i woke up

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:28 PM PDT
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