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C is for...candor
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Sunday, 17 April 2005
visions of people
Now Playing: vertical horizon-everything you want
i was looking through my cd's & really missed this cd so i was listening

& i came to that song that was so popular in high school...it's so sad but it kinda made me realize

well obviously you are not everything she wants because otherwise she WOULD be with you

i know that sounds bitchy...but sometimes a person's vision of himself/herself for someone else doesn't really work...

that or she's blinded by something else about you...which is likely...

on another note, sometimes it makes me sad to have to admit that someone does not fit the profile i fit for them...

this guy i always deemed very innocent said something really kinda annoying the other day that made me realize he is like any other guy...which kind of disappointed me...(this is not a close friend but yea)

people need to step out of the box & stop being typical guys/girls

that's all i have to say

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:57 PM PDT
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dreams
i haven't had a dream in a while worth talking about...

oh yea cept that weird one about the pope's death...

some guy tried to rob us but somehow we convinced him that we should watch who would be appointed the next pope before he decides if he needs to rob/kill us...so we all sat there watching the television...& i think the dream ended when the appointed person was like dogma style cartoon jesus

anyways that was unrelated to my dream from last night...

this was a dream from the morning cuz i tend to remember dreams more if i wake up sleepy & then head back to sleep...

i was at some party...with dancing...i think i came with a date but he was no where to be seen or else he was always busy...everytime a slow song came on...i stood in the middle of the dance floor, looked around & realized there was no one to dance with...i walked off to the side to make room for other couples...i guess in the dream i really really liked my date a lot...i remember him being very attractive but no one i knew i real life...in my mind i had made this out to be the night where something was going to happen...eg, somewhat let him know i liked him....after a while the lights dimmed & a slow song came on again...& for some reason i knew it was the last song of the night...i looked around again & i saw him on the edge of the dancefloor dancing w/ a younger (like middle school) girl w/ coke bottle glasses & pigtails & she was dancing as if it was a fast song & she was all over the place...& he just politely danced with her....& in my head i was like "ok this is it" i walked over & asked if i could have this dance...the girl got so mad at me...& he said i'm really sorry but she's my date & i DID dance with you the previous dance...so reluctantly the girl left...he hugged me from behind with one arm & i had a smile i could not take off my face...& i was giggling...then he did a weird dramatic dip & kissed me...i was very taken aback...but i was very happy....(it was kind of like "a lot like love"'s new year kiss not that i'm endorsing that movie cuz it kinda sucked)

i used to have the randomest dreams that probably meant nothing...but as i grow older my dreams seem to be more & more realistic (minus the pope one hahah) & well there seems to be more direct meaning...

i'm not sure if they display my most inner desires i want for myself or are they just referring to other things....

but through my dreams you could probably understand me a lot...

though strangely i've never dreamt about cooking much...or card making or any of that stuff for that matter...i guess it's never a source of stress for me though...

recently i've been thinking about this one dream i had when it was nearing the end of dom & my relationship...& i think i've talked about it before but i will remention it because otherwise it will keep swimming in my head & i don't want that...i'd rather just let it out...

so...i forget if i've talked about what i'm about to say here recently or if it's just been in my head a lot & i haven't actually written it...

you know when people say "i'm so happy for you" it's always a polite saying...& most people don't actually mean it...they just say it for the sake of saying it...& to sound nice, of course...

& i realize more & more...when i say it i mean it...

especially if it is a good friend or a loved one...

or like i'll say "i'm so excited for you"

i genuinely genuinely mean it..there is no sarcasm & there is no spite or bitterness...& it's not just cuz it sounds nice...

i think i've always been able to detach myself from the jealous state to genuinely mean something like that

the best example is...

people always pursue & pursue a love they cannot have...& when they find out that person is with someone else & they are very happy...the pursuer gets incredibly angry....& he/she say with a touch of spite "well i'm happy for you" just to seem diplomatic...

no one ever means that...

but i guess this dream proves that i really do when i say that...

when you care about someone a lot...you know when to let go....

you know when to throw in the towel & you know when to just say "he/she obviously happier with someone else...so why try to change that" you suck in your pride a bit & the pain to understand that if you truly care, you want what is best for him/her...& i with time you will realize this trickles down to you as well...(if you two were together & he/she was not happy what kind of relationship is that)

so after that long buildup here is my dream...

it started with me planning a wedding...i was dressed up in a businessy suit & i was running around the reception area making sure the favors were perfect (they were glass ornaments with things inside that i think i had made for them) i was making sure everything was in order...
out came the groom...& it was dominic..i think my heart cringed
he checked with me to see if everything was in order
he left & out came the bride...it was "her"
she was super bitchy to me...she was yelling at me for something...i was just trying to stay calm...she said something about the favors not being perfect & there weren't enough...so she told me to go make more
i said there were no more materials so she told me to go buy more...
i went to a michael's like store & it was not open yet so i waited outside til it opened...i picked up some more materials & rushed back to the reception site
i think i finished setting up...
i don't really remember but i think i either said or to thought to myself...i'm really happy for him...& i want everything to be perfect not necessarily for her but for him...i want this to be memorable for him....

& then i woke up

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:28 PM PDT
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Saturday, 16 April 2005
gullible
so despite popular belief i'm really not that gullible...i realized sometimes i say "really?" to stupid things just to fill the void...like naturally...not on purpose...

besides here is proof that there are more gullible

*hears really loud music being played in apt*
me: they're probably playing music loudly to get back at us for being loud
chanda: wait...really?
me: no?
c: oh man...yesterday aaron told me a lie & i definitely believed him
*calls him to tell him to remind her*
c: oh yea...so he told me if you don't check your mail everyday it's illegal
me: wtf?? & you believed this?
c: well he was convincing! he said that for example if you got a legal document you can't use "i didn't check my mail" as an excuse...& it made sense! at least at the time....
me: you're stupid

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:39 PM PDT
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couldn't have said it better
i think this is exactly what i've been experiencing haha...well kinda


Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
~Ingrid Bergman

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:34 AM PDT
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cooking decal party
quote for today

stella: hi i'm stella
damien: i'm damien nice to meet you
stella: you know that i won't remember this tomorrow, right?
damien: um ok thanks

also...erick got food poisoning from thai basil (same place i got mine..they recently renovated & it's a lot trendier & raised prices too) NEVER going there again (erick: yea i know & after i tried to convince you that mine is cooked just fine)

me: yea i'm sure they buy day old meat to make up for the cost of the renovations
erick: yea they got some bad ieor guy on it...if you leave out the meat you minimize your costs of refrigeration!

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:14 AM PDT
Updated: Saturday, 16 April 2005 12:17 AM PDT
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Thursday, 14 April 2005
quote
random quote from today:

gareth: but we have til 5 to finish this hw, right?
jon: yea, but i'm not staying here til 5
g: but what about ieor140? (the robotics class)
j: ok that permanently altered my dna...a few years from now i'll have an arm growing out from my chest because of that class

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:13 PM PDT
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Wednesday, 13 April 2005
closer
i just watched closer...& it's just proof of my entry about lying in relationships...

i don't even really know what to say...i know it was a good movie but in a weird way i was kinda just eh-ed by it...

maybe because i know how true it is...who knows

lying does no one good

everyone besides larry the doctor was a horrible person in that movie...

it's just so freaking hypocritical how people can be...

in the scene of alice & dan's break up she asked him "what if i fell in love with someone else?" he answered "i'd be jealous"

& that re-rung a bell...
i asked the same exact question
& i received the same exact answer

although the movie was extreme as all movies are...for me it had a strange "little black book" quality to it as i watched it...it made me relive some moments...so i know the movie was realistic because i was relating but at the same time i hated reliving those moments of my life...

i really need to stop writing about this crap cuz i never think about it during the day & i come home to this blog & i keep reminding myself...it's pretty retarded

& so i end the self pity....for now

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:18 PM PDT
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quotes
everyday i hear the funniest stuff & i always remember later on & laugh to myself...or i hear, laugh, & forget...so i decided i'm gonna resolve the latter by writing down about a quote a day to remind me of all the little things that make up my life...

today in PE
other guy: are you gonna use this? *points to bench*
charles: yea i was gonna strip
other guy: do you need help?
charles: nah they're *points to me & the other girl* they're gonna strip for me

(in case you don't know we were referring to stripping the bar)

at the moment all i remember something i always sort of remember & laugh about is in the first IIE (Institute for Industrial Engineers) general meeting this year we were voting on which companies we wanted to visit...& google got more votes than yahoo
doug: why is yahoo more popular than google?
jamie: they've only been asking themselves the same thing for the past 2 years

stay tuned for more!

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:19 PM PDT
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breaking the cycle
ok so i just looked at my blog & i realized that every single one has had something about boys/relationships/love for the past month or so...

so i will now break the cycle w/ this entry

my back hurts

i was thinking of going back to funky door in the summer or next semester...i kinda liked it...i made me feel really accomplished afterwards even though each class ended up being like 3 hrs w/ shower & walk...haven't decided...besides i have coupons

since chris will found out what his package is soon anyways & i know he won't read this before he gets it...(i guess this could go on cooking blog too but whatever)
for his bday i ordered him a (newly released) le creuset reversible square grill/griddle (the rectangle one is 10 lbs & i was worried that'd be a problem for the plane ride home) & an oil mister & tongs...i want them all...:P
& on saturday morning i ran around like a mad women because i had no car & i wanted to finish up his berkeley in a box present...
last week i went to farmer's market & i bought him frog hollow peach chutney (i wanted peach related cuz frog hollow peaches are like canned but in real form sooo good) & a blond balsamic (white) from a company from napa..i tried like 5 before i choose that one...it was yummy....so saturday i had to walk to cheeseboard...which i mean was worth it but it was kinda time-consuming...i stopped at phoeniox pasifico for a strawberry meyer lemon scone...andronico's to get some scharffen berger chocolate covered coffee beans (the bar seemed too regular) & then at cheeseboard i bought him a chocolate loaf (cuz we always meant to try it), cheese bun (of course, their signature one), & chocolate thing, & one more thing? i think provolone bun...chanda had gone to acme the day before so she got me the italian batard? i think it's called & the herb slab...& that was all stuffed into a box & sent off after standing in line for over an hr at the post office:P
hmm chris is coming back in may for his mom's wedding..yay! hanging out & pigging out! mmm

it's kinda weird because i have not "pigged out" in a really really long time...& i kinda don't miss it...& this is coming from a food fanatic...i think the food poisoning contributed to this...

i guess i haven't eaten at anywhere expensive either

i've actually been trying more places & expanding my scope since this job since it off where i normally never go...

& i've really taken to going to the farmer's market even if i get nothing...it's expensive but eh...

i know most of these things should go on my cooking blog but i'm too lazy to switch now that i've written it here hahha

hmm...so a classmate asked me friday if i had a company...(i think it's cuz she worked at zeezee so i'm sure farooq told her) & if i have the chance this summer i really want to do it..since my dad is back i'll ask for his help w/ all the legal stuff...i want a registered name & really be a company...that'd be sweet....i'd be very proud of myself

in regards to motorcycle stuff...i think i will hold off...my parents would never allow it & it just feeds into my theory of how i will die in a freak accident...i can definitely seeing myself pulling something ditzy (i do all the time) & it will be the death of me...literally...it's unreasonable for the moment too...

for ieor yearbook i wrote up a set of questions & as i was interviewing marco he kept asking me well how would you answer & i suddenly felt bad cuz i don't know...

one was:
if you could have 3 wishes, what would they be & why?

i still kinda remember answering that when i was little...
1. some sort of money
2. some sort of peaceful gesture
3. a puppy

gawd were things simple then or what

i think all the things i'd ask for now are not material...& i guess that means i've matured? at least that's what i'll tell myself...

ok i really tired now....no more forced writing



Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:55 AM PDT
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Tuesday, 12 April 2005
freaking out
this is be a random hodgepodge of things that have been running through my head or experiencing hmm aka like all my other blog entries...

i was sitting in 161 the other day thinking to myself...as i saw someone do something kinda embarrassing...i always seem to catch those funnyt hings people don't think i see...then a second later i realized how stupid that sounded...if i didn't catch them i wouldn't even have known they happened meaning of course i "always seem to see them" in my eyes

every little thing if not scheduled in my busy life at the moment is freaking me out...

work has gone into a dip type situation...i think the president has been super stressed...so he's not mean but he's also not nice to me so much anymore...i'm kind of just expected to do things now...the extra i do it not extra anymore...& it's feeling more & more like an obligation...& i hate that feeling...

it might be from the stress too though...
i have too much on my plate...
i'm slowly going crazy..
i feel myself getting stupider...i even wondered for a moment how the hell i got into berkeley today
it's really bothering me but i guess at least i'm living in the now...& things are different than they used to me...

which brings me to my next topic

chanda told me what she deemed "a sad story" yesterday...it was regarding a friend's friend...

the basic jist of the story was that...

her bf went to pick up his ex from the airport
the girl asked what if she wants to go to dinner then what?
bf says he'll say he ate already
he took a long time so she called him & he said yea we're at a burger place
she gets mad & just hangs up on him
he comes home & tells her that he didn't order anything...the ex's coworker came yada yada yada
i forget why but she sees a paper on her chair & so she looks & sees a receipt to a really really nice restaurant in berkeley
she wakes him up to ask him what it is
he tells her oh yea we ended up going there w/ the coworker blah blah blah only she ate...she had an appetizer, entree, & dessert
so she decides to call this restaurant & ask what "she ordered" & finds out he DID order & they didn't even have the things he said they had
she gives him another chance to tell the truth & he kept lying
she hasn't decided what to do...sup'dly she wants to stick around for revenge cuz i guess he probably pulls that kinda shit all the time...

as chanda told me this story...
i started remembering
i had kind of forgotten...
the pain things like that bring
all i said to chanda during was "that's how dom was" cuz it was so deja vu....
& at the end i told her "what's the point...revenge...in the end it's just better to get out of that situation...it's not worth it...it's not worth that pain"

i know...in anger that's what everyone seems to want...revenge...

but when you step away...at least when i step away...you just want to step out the better person...& the best thing to do is to just stop w/ the acting & move on...there's no point...

if the point of such revenge is for them to understand how much they hurt you...don't you think they would've just not lied to prevent that?

i'm not saying they don't care about you...but there is something about two people involved that just don't match up...

once the trust is gone...it's gone

i learned that the hard way...there's no use in sticking around

chanda kept saying "i can't imagine that i can't imagine that...if aaron did that to me...blah blah blah"

& that's the funny thing...i always told her she had it good...& she never understood what i had been through & here's the proof when you separate the people from the situation...she never will understand that kind of pain...

hell no one will until you feel it

i guess it just amazes me what great lengths people take to lie....when in the end the truth never escapes my grasp...

& the sad thing is...i always seem to end up w/ those jerks...& that whole attraction to bad boys thing doesn't work cuz most of the time they like me first & then i like them after they pursue me...

i guess one good thing about being so busy is i have no time to think about this kinda stuff

i always surprise myself w/ how much i can suppress in my memory...

what worries me though is if i think about it & i remember...i can get very very angry at times (depending on what i remember)...& it proves to me that things aren't solved are they..they're just shoved in the back...i guess that's only the case w/ dom..ken is over & done w/...

sometimes i can't believe how i even kept up w/ such shit...

& it was always the same damn shit

he's lie or omit the truth (newsflash: same thing as lying people...)
(eg, what'd you do this weekend? said: oh nothing worked a bit was really busy; truth: hung out w/ ex girlfriend who slept over we went shopping blah blah blah)(eg, while visiting me...aww why are you here? i was in the area...*he gets a phone call from the ex* he says to her no no i haven't gotten home yet i just stopped on the side of the road to take a nap...)

i'd find out the truth
my heart would stop
i would want to cry
i'd confront him
he'd tell me he was protecting me or didn't think it was important cuz "nothing happened"
repeat

& as time went on the finding out the truth didn't even matter anymore because the suspicions were always there...hell most of the time i was suspicious i was right

wow this is not the thing to be "talking" about right now cuz i'm remembering so i'm getting pissed off kinda...

see...the thing is i don't feel the pain from what heppened anymore...i just feel the bitterness & the anger...

i think somewhat at myself for having put up w/ that kind of shit...it was so unnecessary to my life

hell i still hate "her" & truth is...i know it's partially her fault because she knew i existed but i probably put more blame on her than she deserves...but who the fuck tries to woo's someone else's bf...anyways...

also like i had told di...hearing her name or seeing her name spelled out makes me cringe or burn inside cuz one, it's an ugly name HAHAHAH (i'm not saying it) & two, it's proves that she really does exist & that she is a real human being...i guess in a weird way i just want to think of her as an entity not worthy of a name or identity...hmm & based on what i have heard/seen she isn't worthy...

there must be a reason for his parents loving me & hating her...

eh whatever...i'm delving deeper into this than i care to...

sorry people that read this



on a somewhat lighter note..
my apple had a sticker that said there's a new snow white musical at disneyland & only until i said it in words did i realize how creepy that is...
i will fall asleep forever after i eat that apple...
must not trust them fuji's anymore

unless my prince...

oh shuddup connie

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:59 PM PDT
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