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C is for...candor
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Thursday, 17 March 2005
offensive
i never mean to offend anyone with these entries...

i really have no idea who reads my blog...

& i know more than i realize do

but this IS my blog so i can rant

i dunno who in ieor read this...but please don't get me wrong as i said before i love you all...hmm some more than others(that's why there is this disclaimer now)...but i appreciate all of you...i guess i just sometimes feel unloved...that's all

i guess it doesn't help that i'm the only girl in our "group"...maybe you guys think you offend me more than you do...

eh i guess i'm picky about what i want to be all girly about...& i chose to pick on how i'm treated instead of the topics that are talked about to/around me

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:14 PM PST
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oh that's so high school...
so...i was thinking about this during my midterm=bad
haha
but i mean i couldn't help but let it bother me because i know the "scenarios i dreamt up" were real
i always seem to be right when it comes to these things even though it sounds like paranoia at the time...
even with dom...i just seemed to know...i know sometimes i was wrong...but probably half of those times he was lying anyways...so in the end i was probably right
but...i realized that when i was in high school & even when i was out i always thought of my high school as a "bubble" as are many high schools...
not only are we sheltered from the world it was it own small society...there were the popular ones that held the power...there were the nerdy ones that got the work done (probably sometimes even for the popular/powerful ones)...there are the spirited ones...the nice ones...the small cliches...everyone fit into a niche...& if they didn't there was always a group to catch those as well...bonded over the fact that they couldn't bond with others...there were the teacher's pet & class clowns....
& thing was...most people i know know that this fame or lack thereof was a temporary thing...it was high school...once you graduated it's the real world waiting for you...i could quote hoobastank "remember me" lyrics:
Did you know me
or where you too preoccupied with
playing king in your small kingdom
and now the real world
has stripped you of your royalty
and from your kingdom your evicted

& this morning in midterm it kinda hit me...i mean the thought was always lingering but i felt it hit me this morning..i don't know if it was the lack of sleep (i kinda nodded off during the exam & had a really mini half asleep dream haha bad i know i know but i followed my directions & came back to sleep anyways) but i realized that we NEVER do leave high school...it's is very much part of the real world & there's just no denying it

here i am in college..having feeling of exculsion/unappreciation that i had exactly in high school...

being an ieor major basically ensures that you will have class with all the same people...everyday...(it's a small dept in comparison to others) & in ieor140 (my robotics class) i had made a close group of friends...professor glassey said that was his intention...he equated it to marine boot camp (of course not in intensity well it was intensity in terms of thinking but yea) he said that it was all about the camaderie that you built in the class...he wanted us to all grow closer because of this experience we had together...& it truly did just that...i loved my ieor group of friends...they're all really special to me

but my point was...(i will not go into it cuz i don't feel like pissing people off) i realized that even if i didn't want to be a part of this group...i had no way out...i mean i did...i could just up & stop being nice but that would ensure social isolation in ALL my classes....so what started as something great suddenly feels binding...the thing is i know i sound angry or whatever but it's not that i don't love them...i just don't think they want to give the effort to be my friend back...(levels vary in each of course)

but basically that has what has been bugging me the past few days

& i knew this high school situation extended further than i would ever want...this was going to be true wherever i went...whether it be grad school or the work place...you HAD to be forced into a positive relationship with those around you..you're stuck with them..until you move to another job...then you're in the same situation with different people...i know i know i'm overreacting as if this is some horrible secret...i'm not saying that all the people you will meet in your life will be bad or make you feel icky cuz that's just untrue...but i guess i just don't like the thought of having that freedom taken away from me..the freedom to choose who i WANT to be associated with

oh yea & i will do what i would've never done in high school haha...refute hoobastank *gasp*

i decided that the people that are popular in high school (ok not always) but they have a reason for being such...whether it be their looks, their history, their family, their money, their spirit/involvement, etc...
i'm not saying being popular let's them get away with anything but i'm saying that if they were popular they probably had a higher chance of success than the average bear (maybe not in comparison to the nerd cuz he actually has the brains) but if that person is very capable of working their power & position & popularity (mean girls' regina style) they are probably going to be pretty set in the "real world" as well

high school society has to be modeled after something...(high schoolers are not THAT creative) so it still is like "real world" society...& in the real world we worship those that are beautiful & are intrigued by those that come from certain families etc etc etc...so their success in a mini bubble will probably related somewhat when they are outside the bubble...yes i know this is not always the case & thus the hoobastank song but it's cuz they can't work their power...they aren't smart enough...

anyways that was kind of my rant

midterm this morning sucked
but whatever...it is over...


oh yes & i am reminded that i love berkeley (not sarcastic)
i was standing at the bus stop this morning at 7:20 some & i stood there reading my notes not looking up if it wasn't my bus...one bus that passed was't sure if i just wasn't paying attention so they honked at me in case...it didn't really occur to me at the time that that was why they honked..i juts paid them no attention...but some homeless-ish guy mumbled i'm not waiting for a bus...&
he asked me are you?
i said yes i am
he said why didn't you get on!
i said oh i want a different one
he said ooh well then that was nice of her she made sure it wasn't that one
i said yea
there was a lot of noise from traffic so he was mumbling & i couldn't hear so i kinda just kept studying
& i heard him say after the noise subsided
yes it's good that you study...your education is very important...i've been in berkeley since the 60s & he mumbled on as he slowly walked away
i had to smile...
i love how most of the homeless people i have interacted with are not bitter...& they all seem to have this intrigue & high value of knowledge...
i'm always so impressed...that they can either admit the necessity of it or embrace it..homeless people are a lot smarter than you want to believe...
i'm guessing you want to think they aren't smart & that's why they are in the state they're in...but it's just not the case...
i remember when i worked at campus market this really really homeless & stinky guy would come in..he was white...he would always try to speak japanese with kaori (not in a creepy way) & he'd say very poetic things...i was always so intrigued
& i know this will sound bad esp when we're gonna be looking for jobs soon but chanda said she met one one time that was an ex berk math grad student haha

anyways...oh yea sleep does wonders for my metabolism..i thought i'd say that randomly

ok i'm done

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 5:03 PM PST
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for future reference
look at the time...& already i've been awake for over 2 hrs..having slept at 1:30-2ish...
a midterm at 8am
i know i know connie's just complaining again
but yesterday night was the most stressed i've been in a long long time...
i know i always complain about all the things worrying me
but yesterday was an alltime low feeling
i felt like i couldn't understand anything..i spent hrs reading the textbook & barely anything sunk in...i was completely unable to focus even though tv & music were off...
i literally wanted to curl up into an emotional ball & cry...or scream...or something
i am much better this morning...my head is surprisingly clear
though the sleep felt like 10 minutes
things are finally making sense
see the thing is i did hw fine...i got it then i dunno why suddenly is was out of my grasp last night...
i really needed to get a grip
i also need to not let emotions affect me when i need to study...
i bet i was just dreaming up scenarios anyways
it's the paranoia in me
that's what happens when you lose trust
maybe it's good that this is happening right before spring break cuz then i will actually truly cherish my time off...
saturday i will be getting my hair done w/ chandies & then we'll be off to monterey...& we'll have a blast...i'll take lots & lots of pictures
i'll getta spend time with the fam which i'm very excited about too...i miss them more than ever

plus as of the phone call i got yesterday morning...things are looking up...i was estatic at the time...

things will/are getting better...just hang in there connie

i guess i really need to be thankful of chanda these past few days..i know i have been annoying as hell...cuz i keep repeating the same things going on in my head...when she called this morning/last night i even started to tear up with frustration...

tears of frustration are worse than tears of any other emotion...they are uncontrollable & you don't feel any better after...they aren't a catharsis of any sort...they just happen

anyways...wish me luck...
i already decided, for my own health & sleep deprivation of the past gawd i don't even know when (i haven't slept w/out an alarm set for a looooong time) i will come home right after the midterm & go to bed...alarm still set but only to wake up to have fun...dinner with chanders hopefully...haha i realized she totally sounds like my bf or something or vice versa....eh whatever...

have a good day everyone

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 6:21 AM PST
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Wednesday, 16 March 2005
damn it
actually today hasn't been all that bad...

but i decided i really NEED TO GET A GRIP

i do NOT like the person i am when i lack trust

although the easy way out would be to blame all my ex's...not to say it ISN'T their faults haha...

but i know it is something i really need to conquer

& i know that in the end it is really not about trust & it is about the confidence i have in myself

but if i truly had confidence like i thought i did..i would not be feeling the way i do...

granted i have made progress...but i still have not reached it...

i am currently absolutely flipped out...i can not handle having a midterm tomorrow i feel completely overwhelmed...this material is way harder than i thought it was...wish me luck

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 7:38 PM PST
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in contrast to yesterday
i feel pretty shitty

i know it's a combo of lots of random things...

-lack of sleep (too much studying)
-midterm III for the week coming up (wah using a cheat sheet takes 10% offa your grade)
-frustration (from a lot of things...)
-realization that certain things i long for will just never happen (*sigh* for a moment i had hope)
-failed coconut ice cream (i hate wasting food & i had it envisioned perfectly in my mind)
-student in lab touching his face after cutting thai chiles (i know all the blaming was in good fun kinda but it just really gets to me...i'm not sure why...maybe it makes me think i'm a bad "teacher" but i DID tell them to wash their hands)
-too much to do too little time
-realized that maybe people i want to be associated with don't want to be associated with me
-wine is still better/yummier than beer...but i still don't love alcohol unless it's in food...plus the nutrition lecture given by dini today in resistance training was all i could think about "alcohol is 7 calories per gram(?)...empty calories" as opposed to 4 cals in carbs & proteins...fat is like 9...ugggh...whatever at least in my lazyass state i am still able to finish core

*sigh*
i know..there's nothing really to complain about...but i think the realizations really really really got to me...it just made me feel soo shitty...i almost felt like i was in high school again...all i was worth was a couple of cookies sometimes...

i hate this feeling

i know i'm not the most entertaining person all the time but i'd like to think i have more of a personality than most...so what's wrong with me?

this is messing with my calibration

i really thought i had gotten to a point at which i didn't care...

i mean i don't as much as i used to...but it still kinda hurts

i don't want to be a leech

recently i've really wanted to have someone to call & i realize there is no one i really want to call...chanda has been so busy...& sometimes i know she gets bored with me just like i do w/ her...i'm supposedly still "mad" at adam...& chris...time difference...plus he seems so overworked...& i don't know (if you're reading this chris don't be offended...we're just at different places in life...cuz i can't seem to understand where you are since i haven't reached that pt yet) i just feel like we haven't connected like we used to...dom oy don't even need to go there...

suddenly i feel really alone

i haven't felt this way in a long time & now i don't know what to do with myself..i was getting too comfortable with being content...& now it's slapping me across the face

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:16 AM PST
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Tuesday, 15 March 2005
A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes
A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you will lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:21 AM PST
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i live for moments like these
ok i definitely just finished writing & i accidentally reloaded the page hahha...

i will try my best to remember...

i will not go into the moments to which my title refers cuz they're secret:)

i've been on a natural high all day...& that's pretty amazing considering the long day i've had...

woke up at 6ish, studied half asleep, class - guest lecturer from stanford, as erick put it & i thought during: "if all stanford lectures are like this, i'm soo glad i went to berkeley," break to cram, mm dosido, midterm I, food, lab to study, researched for "lecture" in decal at night, midterm II, home, decal, "lecture" etc...

hmm...i had a little rant but i kinda forget it

moments remind me that i've lived...
thousands of photo clear moments constantly act themselves out in my head (the wizards on the cards style like in harry potter)
it's almost like a little secret you have with the person that i've made the moment with...only you two (or group etc) remembers & cherishs that moment with you & will smile just as much or laugh just as hard when it's brought up...

they are the little things that make me feel like everything i've done has been worth it

thank you everyone that adds to my memories:)
you are loved

i was going to end but as i was last minute studying for midterm II my mind wandered & suddenly a bunch of my childhood memories were very very clear...i will note them here:

* when i was still living in BH, whenever i heard my dad coming home i'd run to the doorway (which had the laundry/dryer in front of) & i'd stand against the dryer w/ my arms wide open, so when he opened the door i was ready for a hug

* spending the whole day sitting on the trunk of our car w/ the garage open reading archie comics as my mom freaked out cuz she couldn't find me

* the day my mom left me at the library cuz it had closed early...i sat there picking at the yellow-green leaves of the shrub pretending to be busy...i had finally mustered the courage to start walking home (i was like 4 yrs old & the library was quite a bit away) i saw my mom's car coming towards me i ran to the car & as i opened the door i burst into tears

* taking the school tree home w/ diana & mom...decorating..the tree was too tall to fit in the high ceiling living room at the time...i stuck the snowman at the top

* my cousins & i all throwing the soda can into the recycling bin simultaneously because we thought it was so cool to recycle

* my brother making me ride the bike that was too small for me because it had a basket to bring the snacks we'd buy at the nearby hot dog usa & liquor store...my knees would hit the handle bars & hurt

* the police following me home...my mom always made me walk to the mailbox to drop off mail (a block away) & the police thought i was lost & when i said i wasn't he wouldn't believe me so he followed me in his car

* me getting into trouble w/ police again because i didn't have my seatbelt on (i stood up when we turned into the driveway)..i burst into tears (i was like 2-3) & he let it go...

* the liquor store clerks loving me...they "rode" my bike into the store & gave me a brownie(i remember it was a 10 cent brownie) or letting them...they let it pass when i wanted a drumstick & my brother didn't have enough money...

* when i was at my cousins & we dug up this seagull squeaky toy & we "got sad" but kinda fakely because we did not really understand the concept of death at the time...we just knew it was not good

* the night my grandpa died & we drove to my cousins...i slept with my cousins on the sofabed...we didn't understand...i heard my mom & aunt crying in the dark as i fell asleep

* me pulling a kumquat off of our backyard tree..pretending to be brave..i tried eating the whole fruit & i spit it out further back

* sitting in what i remember to be a huge room of my toys in a separate room out back...(i went back years later & it was a lot smaller than i remember)

* was at the jungle gym at church & the boy that was going ot be the ring bearer at the wedding to which i was to be the flower girl...he shook the whole jumgle gym & i remember thinking he was very annoying...i was like 3

* my first crush ever...in prekindergarten

* sitting on the marble table in the backyard as my mom picked figs from out tree & peeled them & fed them to me as i sat there...

* filling the small dip of concrete under the huge lemon tree with water & stooping in it barefoot..having a blast

* the moment i accidentally slammed the door on my cousin's hand...holding a barbie in the other hand

* on a trip to the post office, a guy on a bike dropped a $1 & then pretended that it wasn't his & asked if it was mine...i said no & walked away but after he rode off i snatch the dollar & i ran to my room & stuck it in my tennis ball container of money that was hidden between my bed & the wall at the time

* when santa gave me a stuffed christmas mouse & a mechanical pencil

* the moment when my brother told me santa did not exist




& i can go on & on....(this was more for me...to trigger things in my mind)...

i guess the only thing i can prove w/ these random moments is that moments do not have to only be good...at least for me...

but the title moments ARE good hee
i smile even at the thoughts.....:)

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:03 AM PST
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Saturday, 12 March 2005
erasure
so as i was studying i was looking for anything to distract me...of course:P

& i picked up a notebook i used to write in when i had a break between classes...i would just spill my little heart out...i was reading it & i read an entry about how there was no such thing as erasure...i might've even written about it in this blog...but i always forget what stuff i write...it was about adam & how when we met up last year he reminded me that there is no such thing as erasure...i had always assumed that i made no impact on people's lives...& in the entry i talked about how i was so surprised that i was sucha big part of adam's life...& how i told dom that i was surprised & he responded that i seemed to think i never mattered to people...

& i guess that was the drama queen in me...cuz it's very unrealistic to think that people that were a part of my life never think about me ever again...

in that entry i had also quoted ben...i said something to him like i wonder if ken ever thinks about me...& ben replied that he did & i asked why he said that & if ken had said anything...ben said...every girl you date leaves you with something...you don't just forget.......& i knew he was right

ok the real point of this entry...was i found the mention of me in a blog of a friend...not by name but i smiled to myself because i knew it was me...i remember a long time ago i was mentioned in another person's blog that barely knew me too...it always kinda makes me feel special to be mentioned as having been there...even if nothing was really said about me...& it made me wonder....how ever long blogs stay around will at least prove that i was alive in this world...haha i know that sounds horrible...but what i mean is...ok i don't really know the point of this...but i guess if random people mention me on their blog only proves to me that people that were actually an active part of my life could not possibly ever forget me...

gawd this is a poorly written entry but please give me a break i've been comtemplating cover letters & reading stats for the whole day...i did not step out of my apt once today....:P



people at berkeley never seize to amaze me (that is not said sarcasticly)...i remember reading a friend's blog that said he is constantly meeting people here that blow him away...i feel the same way....i mean granted there are people here that don't deserve to be....but the majority of them are right on...they have such stories...they have such intelligence i have never seen....& they are all so involved in their own thing whatever that may be...every single one of them has their own creative niche....they're all so artistic & analytical at the same time....everytime i discover someone new i can't stop thinking how amazing they are...sometimes i wonder if people think that when they meet me? maybe i can't capture them with my "intelligence" at least engineering wise but maybe w/ my other aspects....i'd like to think i can intrigue people? haha...

ok ok i'm freaking out now i need to study

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:00 PM PST
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in addition to last entry
so this is just a random tidbit i thought about last night when i was writing the last entry but it was off topic so i waited & ended up forgetting to put it in at all...

so...

i remember around sophomore or freshman year of college i realized that it was not just my mother that caused my low self esteem & confidence in myself...i know that i feed into it so it is just as much my fault in ways but...in relation to what i was talking about before...getting hit on being such a compliment

i remember when i still kept in touch w/ all my hs girlfriends even the ones i was not THAT close to...when i told them about these incidences...because i guess they were somewhat new to me...in high school the guys involved w/ the girls in our group did not change very much...so this was all very new to me...anyways i would tell them these incidences & every single time...every single one of them would give excuses as to why i was wrong & when i'd say something to prove them wrong they'd just give me a "whatever" comment & then i would doubt myself & think maybe i AM wrong...maybe i was thinking too big headed-ly...

eg, i remember freshman yr this guy working at noah's was very blatantly hitting on me offering me drinks for free etc...& i was soo confused at the time...& so at first i just assumed he was nice to everyone but then the girl right behind me which i thought was very cute did not get the same treatment & i though hmm, weird....

so naturally this boosted my self esteem at the time...i told a hs friend & she said...maybe he just thought you were thirsty...or maybe he didn't want you to see him acting the same towards the other girl otherwise it would discredit him so he was waiting for you to leave...& i thought hmm yea i guess maybe....but now i think about it & i was like you fucker this is why i hate girls....that is such a big stretch & yea it's possible...but really was it necessary to "what if" it to the ground....as if it's impossible that someone could possibly find connie attractive....

not that i'm saying i'm that at all

but this is entirely why i hate girls & when i look back on it i hated hs so much....it's such bullshit a real friend would just leave it at that...happy to have heard the story cuz it's an interesting story but a friend that is constantly looking to compete/compare & put you down does what my "friend" did....& it was more than one friend! & it was regarding different incidences....that just pisses me off...

[insert stories about hs drama]
i deleted it because i really don't know who reads this & i don't feel like dealing with the "consequences"

i'm glad that all that high school drama is past me...in fact i'm glad i don't have drama in my life right now...i read a really really old entry that i had in a secret place & i wrote how i love boredom better than not because at least in boredom there is no drama...but i guess drama is a man-made phenomenon anyways...

another random thing...i wonder how many people read this blog that i don't know about or know at all for that matter...cuz i know i read the ones of people i barely know sometimes just cuz it's kinda fun to figure it out...*shrug*

i need to study...3 midterms next week

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:55 PM PST
Updated: Sunday, 13 March 2005 12:30 AM PST
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Friday, 11 March 2005
self assurance
two random funny things...

1
i remember one morning in our 8 am class someone walked into our classroom even though it wasn't her class you saw her mumble embarrassedly with a nervous forced smile as she backed up & out the door

erick had pointed out it was funny that people even bothered to do that whole scenario..everyone walks intot he wrong classroom once in a while so just leave not like anyone cares

& that's so true...it's like we're almost trying to make it ok in our minds & null it out cuz we're just very embarrassed when in reality the other people really don't care...

i saw this happen the other day this girl got off the bus & she walked to the right & then she turned around & walked to the left, facing my direction, & she turned beet red & she lightly hit her head in a "duh" motion...that whole charade made me want to laugh more than the "embarrassing" incident in itself


2
so i know i've probably said this before & everyone can figure this out for themselves..but it always kind of amuses me too when people bring up incidences of other people hitting on them or ask what i think about it....
& the funny thing is that it sticks out so much in our heads....what i mean is...getting hit on is always the ultimate random self esteem booster...(which reminds me of a king of queens episode in which doug bribed the construction workers to yell dirty comments at his wife as she walked home so she'd be in a better mood & it totally worked hahah anyways) so i'm very much guilty of this too so i'm not saying anything is wrong with it really...
but it's still kind of sad to know that so much of our confidence is based on what other people think of us even if we don't even like them...i'm not saying that this can be changed & that people should cuz in the end that is what the world is like so you will need to fit in to be able to survive but i just wish it didn't have to be that way...
& it's always kinda fun/funny when these incidents are used to make someone else jealous...i know a lot of people are guilty of this...i mean i've even gotten the other end of it recently & i have to say it's awkward haha....i know i did it to dom a lot when i was still bitter slash when he was still an asshole...not that he's changed at all...ouch but i remember i worked at the time & when you work a job in which you serve people you get the strangest compliments which can turn out to be the most flattering....i have to admit i'm sure it boosted my confidence a lot at the time...
but anyways....sometimes i wonder if people repeat these incidences to prove themselves or to make you "jealous" or maybe neither...but i highly doubt the neither there is always some sort of unconcious reasoning for things of this type...

& if you are reading this & you think i'm referring to you...don't worry i'm not...cuz i was talking about a person/people that don't know i have a blog...in fact i don't think they even know my sn anyways...don't stop telling me your stories:P cuz i like knowing! haha...

i'm sorry i have a sentence at the end to try to redeem myself or undo any mess i may have caused...i just don't want people being less honest to me or anything because of what they read on here...

i HATE studying....well...it's more that i'm studying things i'm pretty sure i will never understand & that's what's frustrating...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 7:50 PM PST
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