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C is for...candor
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Wednesday, 16 March 2005
damn it
actually today hasn't been all that bad...

but i decided i really NEED TO GET A GRIP

i do NOT like the person i am when i lack trust

although the easy way out would be to blame all my ex's...not to say it ISN'T their faults haha...

but i know it is something i really need to conquer

& i know that in the end it is really not about trust & it is about the confidence i have in myself

but if i truly had confidence like i thought i did..i would not be feeling the way i do...

granted i have made progress...but i still have not reached it...

i am currently absolutely flipped out...i can not handle having a midterm tomorrow i feel completely overwhelmed...this material is way harder than i thought it was...wish me luck

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 7:38 PM PST
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in contrast to yesterday
i feel pretty shitty

i know it's a combo of lots of random things...

-lack of sleep (too much studying)
-midterm III for the week coming up (wah using a cheat sheet takes 10% offa your grade)
-frustration (from a lot of things...)
-realization that certain things i long for will just never happen (*sigh* for a moment i had hope)
-failed coconut ice cream (i hate wasting food & i had it envisioned perfectly in my mind)
-student in lab touching his face after cutting thai chiles (i know all the blaming was in good fun kinda but it just really gets to me...i'm not sure why...maybe it makes me think i'm a bad "teacher" but i DID tell them to wash their hands)
-too much to do too little time
-realized that maybe people i want to be associated with don't want to be associated with me
-wine is still better/yummier than beer...but i still don't love alcohol unless it's in food...plus the nutrition lecture given by dini today in resistance training was all i could think about "alcohol is 7 calories per gram(?)...empty calories" as opposed to 4 cals in carbs & proteins...fat is like 9...ugggh...whatever at least in my lazyass state i am still able to finish core

*sigh*
i know..there's nothing really to complain about...but i think the realizations really really really got to me...it just made me feel soo shitty...i almost felt like i was in high school again...all i was worth was a couple of cookies sometimes...

i hate this feeling

i know i'm not the most entertaining person all the time but i'd like to think i have more of a personality than most...so what's wrong with me?

this is messing with my calibration

i really thought i had gotten to a point at which i didn't care...

i mean i don't as much as i used to...but it still kinda hurts

i don't want to be a leech

recently i've really wanted to have someone to call & i realize there is no one i really want to call...chanda has been so busy...& sometimes i know she gets bored with me just like i do w/ her...i'm supposedly still "mad" at adam...& chris...time difference...plus he seems so overworked...& i don't know (if you're reading this chris don't be offended...we're just at different places in life...cuz i can't seem to understand where you are since i haven't reached that pt yet) i just feel like we haven't connected like we used to...dom oy don't even need to go there...

suddenly i feel really alone

i haven't felt this way in a long time & now i don't know what to do with myself..i was getting too comfortable with being content...& now it's slapping me across the face

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:16 AM PST
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Tuesday, 15 March 2005
A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes
A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you will lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:21 AM PST
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i live for moments like these
ok i definitely just finished writing & i accidentally reloaded the page hahha...

i will try my best to remember...

i will not go into the moments to which my title refers cuz they're secret:)

i've been on a natural high all day...& that's pretty amazing considering the long day i've had...

woke up at 6ish, studied half asleep, class - guest lecturer from stanford, as erick put it & i thought during: "if all stanford lectures are like this, i'm soo glad i went to berkeley," break to cram, mm dosido, midterm I, food, lab to study, researched for "lecture" in decal at night, midterm II, home, decal, "lecture" etc...

hmm...i had a little rant but i kinda forget it

moments remind me that i've lived...
thousands of photo clear moments constantly act themselves out in my head (the wizards on the cards style like in harry potter)
it's almost like a little secret you have with the person that i've made the moment with...only you two (or group etc) remembers & cherishs that moment with you & will smile just as much or laugh just as hard when it's brought up...

they are the little things that make me feel like everything i've done has been worth it

thank you everyone that adds to my memories:)
you are loved

i was going to end but as i was last minute studying for midterm II my mind wandered & suddenly a bunch of my childhood memories were very very clear...i will note them here:

* when i was still living in BH, whenever i heard my dad coming home i'd run to the doorway (which had the laundry/dryer in front of) & i'd stand against the dryer w/ my arms wide open, so when he opened the door i was ready for a hug

* spending the whole day sitting on the trunk of our car w/ the garage open reading archie comics as my mom freaked out cuz she couldn't find me

* the day my mom left me at the library cuz it had closed early...i sat there picking at the yellow-green leaves of the shrub pretending to be busy...i had finally mustered the courage to start walking home (i was like 4 yrs old & the library was quite a bit away) i saw my mom's car coming towards me i ran to the car & as i opened the door i burst into tears

* taking the school tree home w/ diana & mom...decorating..the tree was too tall to fit in the high ceiling living room at the time...i stuck the snowman at the top

* my cousins & i all throwing the soda can into the recycling bin simultaneously because we thought it was so cool to recycle

* my brother making me ride the bike that was too small for me because it had a basket to bring the snacks we'd buy at the nearby hot dog usa & liquor store...my knees would hit the handle bars & hurt

* the police following me home...my mom always made me walk to the mailbox to drop off mail (a block away) & the police thought i was lost & when i said i wasn't he wouldn't believe me so he followed me in his car

* me getting into trouble w/ police again because i didn't have my seatbelt on (i stood up when we turned into the driveway)..i burst into tears (i was like 2-3) & he let it go...

* the liquor store clerks loving me...they "rode" my bike into the store & gave me a brownie(i remember it was a 10 cent brownie) or letting them...they let it pass when i wanted a drumstick & my brother didn't have enough money...

* when i was at my cousins & we dug up this seagull squeaky toy & we "got sad" but kinda fakely because we did not really understand the concept of death at the time...we just knew it was not good

* the night my grandpa died & we drove to my cousins...i slept with my cousins on the sofabed...we didn't understand...i heard my mom & aunt crying in the dark as i fell asleep

* me pulling a kumquat off of our backyard tree..pretending to be brave..i tried eating the whole fruit & i spit it out further back

* sitting in what i remember to be a huge room of my toys in a separate room out back...(i went back years later & it was a lot smaller than i remember)

* was at the jungle gym at church & the boy that was going ot be the ring bearer at the wedding to which i was to be the flower girl...he shook the whole jumgle gym & i remember thinking he was very annoying...i was like 3

* my first crush ever...in prekindergarten

* sitting on the marble table in the backyard as my mom picked figs from out tree & peeled them & fed them to me as i sat there...

* filling the small dip of concrete under the huge lemon tree with water & stooping in it barefoot..having a blast

* the moment i accidentally slammed the door on my cousin's hand...holding a barbie in the other hand

* on a trip to the post office, a guy on a bike dropped a $1 & then pretended that it wasn't his & asked if it was mine...i said no & walked away but after he rode off i snatch the dollar & i ran to my room & stuck it in my tennis ball container of money that was hidden between my bed & the wall at the time

* when santa gave me a stuffed christmas mouse & a mechanical pencil

* the moment when my brother told me santa did not exist




& i can go on & on....(this was more for me...to trigger things in my mind)...

i guess the only thing i can prove w/ these random moments is that moments do not have to only be good...at least for me...

but the title moments ARE good hee
i smile even at the thoughts.....:)

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:03 AM PST
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Saturday, 12 March 2005
erasure
so as i was studying i was looking for anything to distract me...of course:P

& i picked up a notebook i used to write in when i had a break between classes...i would just spill my little heart out...i was reading it & i read an entry about how there was no such thing as erasure...i might've even written about it in this blog...but i always forget what stuff i write...it was about adam & how when we met up last year he reminded me that there is no such thing as erasure...i had always assumed that i made no impact on people's lives...& in the entry i talked about how i was so surprised that i was sucha big part of adam's life...& how i told dom that i was surprised & he responded that i seemed to think i never mattered to people...

& i guess that was the drama queen in me...cuz it's very unrealistic to think that people that were a part of my life never think about me ever again...

in that entry i had also quoted ben...i said something to him like i wonder if ken ever thinks about me...& ben replied that he did & i asked why he said that & if ken had said anything...ben said...every girl you date leaves you with something...you don't just forget.......& i knew he was right

ok the real point of this entry...was i found the mention of me in a blog of a friend...not by name but i smiled to myself because i knew it was me...i remember a long time ago i was mentioned in another person's blog that barely knew me too...it always kinda makes me feel special to be mentioned as having been there...even if nothing was really said about me...& it made me wonder....how ever long blogs stay around will at least prove that i was alive in this world...haha i know that sounds horrible...but what i mean is...ok i don't really know the point of this...but i guess if random people mention me on their blog only proves to me that people that were actually an active part of my life could not possibly ever forget me...

gawd this is a poorly written entry but please give me a break i've been comtemplating cover letters & reading stats for the whole day...i did not step out of my apt once today....:P



people at berkeley never seize to amaze me (that is not said sarcasticly)...i remember reading a friend's blog that said he is constantly meeting people here that blow him away...i feel the same way....i mean granted there are people here that don't deserve to be....but the majority of them are right on...they have such stories...they have such intelligence i have never seen....& they are all so involved in their own thing whatever that may be...every single one of them has their own creative niche....they're all so artistic & analytical at the same time....everytime i discover someone new i can't stop thinking how amazing they are...sometimes i wonder if people think that when they meet me? maybe i can't capture them with my "intelligence" at least engineering wise but maybe w/ my other aspects....i'd like to think i can intrigue people? haha...

ok ok i'm freaking out now i need to study

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:00 PM PST
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in addition to last entry
so this is just a random tidbit i thought about last night when i was writing the last entry but it was off topic so i waited & ended up forgetting to put it in at all...

so...

i remember around sophomore or freshman year of college i realized that it was not just my mother that caused my low self esteem & confidence in myself...i know that i feed into it so it is just as much my fault in ways but...in relation to what i was talking about before...getting hit on being such a compliment

i remember when i still kept in touch w/ all my hs girlfriends even the ones i was not THAT close to...when i told them about these incidences...because i guess they were somewhat new to me...in high school the guys involved w/ the girls in our group did not change very much...so this was all very new to me...anyways i would tell them these incidences & every single time...every single one of them would give excuses as to why i was wrong & when i'd say something to prove them wrong they'd just give me a "whatever" comment & then i would doubt myself & think maybe i AM wrong...maybe i was thinking too big headed-ly...

eg, i remember freshman yr this guy working at noah's was very blatantly hitting on me offering me drinks for free etc...& i was soo confused at the time...& so at first i just assumed he was nice to everyone but then the girl right behind me which i thought was very cute did not get the same treatment & i though hmm, weird....

so naturally this boosted my self esteem at the time...i told a hs friend & she said...maybe he just thought you were thirsty...or maybe he didn't want you to see him acting the same towards the other girl otherwise it would discredit him so he was waiting for you to leave...& i thought hmm yea i guess maybe....but now i think about it & i was like you fucker this is why i hate girls....that is such a big stretch & yea it's possible...but really was it necessary to "what if" it to the ground....as if it's impossible that someone could possibly find connie attractive....

not that i'm saying i'm that at all

but this is entirely why i hate girls & when i look back on it i hated hs so much....it's such bullshit a real friend would just leave it at that...happy to have heard the story cuz it's an interesting story but a friend that is constantly looking to compete/compare & put you down does what my "friend" did....& it was more than one friend! & it was regarding different incidences....that just pisses me off...

[insert stories about hs drama]
i deleted it because i really don't know who reads this & i don't feel like dealing with the "consequences"

i'm glad that all that high school drama is past me...in fact i'm glad i don't have drama in my life right now...i read a really really old entry that i had in a secret place & i wrote how i love boredom better than not because at least in boredom there is no drama...but i guess drama is a man-made phenomenon anyways...

another random thing...i wonder how many people read this blog that i don't know about or know at all for that matter...cuz i know i read the ones of people i barely know sometimes just cuz it's kinda fun to figure it out...*shrug*

i need to study...3 midterms next week

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:55 PM PST
Updated: Sunday, 13 March 2005 12:30 AM PST
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Friday, 11 March 2005
self assurance
two random funny things...

1
i remember one morning in our 8 am class someone walked into our classroom even though it wasn't her class you saw her mumble embarrassedly with a nervous forced smile as she backed up & out the door

erick had pointed out it was funny that people even bothered to do that whole scenario..everyone walks intot he wrong classroom once in a while so just leave not like anyone cares

& that's so true...it's like we're almost trying to make it ok in our minds & null it out cuz we're just very embarrassed when in reality the other people really don't care...

i saw this happen the other day this girl got off the bus & she walked to the right & then she turned around & walked to the left, facing my direction, & she turned beet red & she lightly hit her head in a "duh" motion...that whole charade made me want to laugh more than the "embarrassing" incident in itself


2
so i know i've probably said this before & everyone can figure this out for themselves..but it always kind of amuses me too when people bring up incidences of other people hitting on them or ask what i think about it....
& the funny thing is that it sticks out so much in our heads....what i mean is...getting hit on is always the ultimate random self esteem booster...(which reminds me of a king of queens episode in which doug bribed the construction workers to yell dirty comments at his wife as she walked home so she'd be in a better mood & it totally worked hahah anyways) so i'm very much guilty of this too so i'm not saying anything is wrong with it really...
but it's still kind of sad to know that so much of our confidence is based on what other people think of us even if we don't even like them...i'm not saying that this can be changed & that people should cuz in the end that is what the world is like so you will need to fit in to be able to survive but i just wish it didn't have to be that way...
& it's always kinda fun/funny when these incidents are used to make someone else jealous...i know a lot of people are guilty of this...i mean i've even gotten the other end of it recently & i have to say it's awkward haha....i know i did it to dom a lot when i was still bitter slash when he was still an asshole...not that he's changed at all...ouch but i remember i worked at the time & when you work a job in which you serve people you get the strangest compliments which can turn out to be the most flattering....i have to admit i'm sure it boosted my confidence a lot at the time...
but anyways....sometimes i wonder if people repeat these incidences to prove themselves or to make you "jealous" or maybe neither...but i highly doubt the neither there is always some sort of unconcious reasoning for things of this type...

& if you are reading this & you think i'm referring to you...don't worry i'm not...cuz i was talking about a person/people that don't know i have a blog...in fact i don't think they even know my sn anyways...don't stop telling me your stories:P cuz i like knowing! haha...

i'm sorry i have a sentence at the end to try to redeem myself or undo any mess i may have caused...i just don't want people being less honest to me or anything because of what they read on here...

i HATE studying....well...it's more that i'm studying things i'm pretty sure i will never understand & that's what's frustrating...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 7:50 PM PST
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Thursday, 10 March 2005
those 3 little words
yes "i love you" are 3 words but i'm referring to even more important 3 little words in my eyes...

"i miss you"
it's strangely something that just slips out more often than "i love you"...
& in my book it is equivalent
but the love doesn't have to be romantic...it can be friend or family love...

at least for me...
it is something that rolls off my tongue a lot easier & it usually just comes out without hesitation but in a very innocent way it's my way of saying "i love you"...& it just doesn't have all those strings attached...you can say it w/out second thought & that's why it's a much better indication of how you are truly feeling

i guess i had never thought of that...or realized

i shouldn't give away all my secrets...but have you ever had the inclination to say "you're so cute" to someone? gawd you are so falling for them...not saying in a forced way by any means but you just accidently say it or think it....it just makes you smile...you're on the verge of romantic love...

i remember the very moment i thought that to myself regarding ken & i remember when he first accidentally said it to me...haha he was first for the record:P

& for the record as well...i have never said "i love you"...but i have said "i miss you" to many a friends & people i dated...& you have to wonder who will get it first:)...ok well at least i do...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:04 PM PST
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favoritism
so a friend's blog sparked this entry...she knows who she is of course:)

i always saw families with favorites...

strangely it was usually the "baby" of the family that got to be spoiled...which is curious to me is it like oh this is the last one so we'll just kinda give up haha (ok that was a crude way of describing it but whatever)

it never occurred to me the discrepancy in the way my brother & i were treated until dom had really pointed it out blatantly...

i mean i was the spoiled one so who was i to question it hahah...jk

there was always the age difference so i couldn't ever really compare my brother & i...(6 years)

so in my case...i always thought i wasn't spoiled because i was always striving incredibly hard to be like my brother...to surpass him or at least follow in his footsteps.....

which i was somewhat successful in but at the same time not really...

it's kind of sad because my whole family even my brother says i am smarter than him but i just don't do anything about it...& i know they are entirely right...not about being smarter but that i do nothing about it...it's surprising to me sometimes that i'm even here....granted i DO work hard but not as hard as he does...

sometimes i'm not sure if i'm treated differently because i'm the girl...my dad lets me get away with doing not as well in terms of grades cuz (i know this will sound horrible) but because i don't have to since i'm a girl...& i get away with a lot more...socially, etc...as well...

i have always been more of a trouble maker (& trouble means like chatting online too much not REAL trouble)...as a baby i wrote "bad" things on the walls...& when told to do extra workbooks i would cheat...& if i was punished i would take revenge very subtley & let the anger burn inside...not much as changed, huh? HAHAHAH i'm totally kidding...taking revenge in those days was like smearing neosporin on a few pages of my mom's reference books....& she ALWAYS found out anyways hahahah....

& for my brother these types of things would not have even crossed his mind..he supposedly would just sit there til he finished his work & then maybe go out & play...the worst thing he did was like spend too much money on comic books haha...

gawd i was horrid....hahahaha

& all the while....i'm treated no differently now...

i have to say i applaud my parents' work

ok ok back to the point of the entry

so it never occurred to me that my brother might really really dislike me because of these things...

i will be blunt because i don't think he reads this

i am definitely daddy's little girl...even though our relationship is not super super close it's as close as it would ever get with him...he's always been more of a figure in the family that provides & yet he still somehow manages to be a good dad in the sense that he offers the best advice & he's so incredibly smart that he is able to help in any subject at all...

my brother on the other hand...he's had a decent relationship..when he was younger at least they would bound over technical stuff i did not understand...& stocks...but there was a point where they just didn't interact that much...maybe i'm wrong cuz i don't see it...but my dad doesn't fully approve of his gf or now fiance....for very superficial reasons that my brother finds completely stupid & he has no problem yelling at my dad whereas i just would not have the guts...granted my bro got those genes from my dad but yea...it just isn't that pretty...

i always designated my mom for my brother...he always seemed to be on her good side...i mean after all he was a dream child...he is a very hard working smart individual...anyways...so yea i just assumed they were closer than i ever was with my mom

i guess i was always butting heads with my mom...i mean we're both females:P but yea...in high school my mom was my worst enemy...she would never say anything i wanted to hear...an asian mom is the worst possible thing for your self esteem...(i vow to NEVER be like that)...but i think since i left for college the distance has made us a lot closer...& there is always a bond when you can remember everything & everyone's names in her life...she always wants to gossip....

but yea...last yr after a very bad bad incident involving a lie i told my mom regarding dom....i realized how true this favoritism/rivalry truly was...

i know this sounds really weird...but i found i really wanted my brother to help me...he got to be the buffer between us...he of course was very reasonable but behind my back i felt like i was being stabbed....i had this weird feeling of him feeding things to my mom to make her stay mad....i mean i know it was not on purpose...i almost sensed a mini victory in his favor....i know that is a way too dramatic perception but i have to admit i have similar feeling regarding small things without realizing it...like when my brother does something unreasonable like telling me not to use his computer..when i tell the story i make it seem like i'm completely right & what not...i feed the parts that i feel are unreasonable to my mom....i DO NOT do it on purpose but i have found out i did that...& i want to make an effort to stop..

but it's just very weird these subtle things in interaction cause you to be a certain way later on...

ok i feel like this entry made me sound like an absolutely horrible person...

but it's kind of like putting a 1000x magnification on a pimple or something...it's not as black & white as i made it seem & it's just really ugly when you examine it up close but it's actually a really small part of our lives...

to redeem myself haha...i love my brother...i have to admit he really is one of my idols...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:16 PM PST
Updated: Thursday, 10 March 2005 10:24 PM PST
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Monday, 7 March 2005
classics paper
so erick asked me about my classics 28 mythology paper...

i told him mine kicked butt & i got an A which i felt like i deserved...

so...i went to go read this supposed "great" essay & omg it is such crap

not bs crap...but it's so poorly written i'm thouroughly embarrassed...

the thing is the ideas are there...in fact i think the ideas are really unique in some cases & good

but i just suck at making it come across...

it reminds me how bad i've gotten at writing since i've come here...i hate it...it used to be one of my strong pts

oh yea the paper was about how greek women did not have much power in society/real life but in mythology they had more power than men...their influence & their cleverness...etc

& i must remind you i wrote this essay when i still lived in the dorms with rachel & kira (who were grossly obsessed with this movie) so i guess i was at a loss for words when i came to an end so i ended with a quote from big fat greek wedding...i can't even believe it...but it definitely made me laugh...so maybe it had the same effect on my ta? hahha....

gotta love it

?The men may be the head of the house but the women are the neck and they can turn the head anyway they want.?

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:57 PM PST
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