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C is for...candor
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Saturday, 26 February 2005
there are few things futurama can't make better
"you know fry i don't care that you aren't the most important person. i'm just glad to see you right now"
"then i am the most important person"
~"The Why of Fry"

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:41 PM PST
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FUCK
ok so my goal of not swearing is shot cuz all i want to say is FUCK....FUCK you all

there is something called consideration & there is no such thing as "oh i just forgot"

you CANNOT treat people like this

& i don't know if it's me that makes them treat me this way & if they do this to everyone but i just want to fucking kill them all....i'm so pissed off i can't even explain it in words...

i know this has happened to me numerous times & each time it pisses me off when people make plans with me & they just simply forget or don't call or don't even bother to call to cancel....

i think every person in my life has done this to me...every so called friend....EVERY ONE....

& i just want to scream..."i'm not fucking at your disposal...i'm not just there to hang out if you have nothing better to do....i'm your so called friend & i don't deserve this...it's fucking common courtesy that should never have to boil down to me being this freaking angry at you to understand how rude you are acting...& even then i'm sure a month from now the same damn thing will happen.... i have no idea why i put up with you fucking shitheads"

but you know what....maybe it's the people i am attracted to...not romantically but even as friends i find shitheads like that that use me & just don't care...

cuz every one of my ex's were ALL like that....

maybe not entirely during our relationship & obviously not when they are pursuing me but definitely after the relationship when we're sup'd to be "friends"

gawd & i just wrote something about how people in the past affect me negatively...

PROOF! PROOF right here...

things they do DO phase me...& they DO piss me off & they make me sometimes completely unreasonable...

2 people in one day....that's just great...

there's something about looking forward to something all week or even day & then come to realize they simply forgot about it or cancelled without ever telling you...giving you even more time to think about how pissed you are at them & how rude that was....& the disappointment

it's the disappointment that hits you like a bullet & the pang just makes you want to cry

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 5:44 PM PST
Updated: Saturday, 26 February 2005 5:46 PM PST
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Friday, 25 February 2005
when the past creeps up
so i know i've been talking a lot about how i love the way i am now....the place my mind is in....how things phase me less & i'm just a lot more carefree...

but i had noticed that whenever i interacted with people of my past mainly guys or people i don't talk to as much anymore...i reverted back to the way i was when i was when we were closer or whatever

eg, i always knew that when i was with high school friends that i was not close to now i'd revert back to this super quiet just observant & overly nice girl....the way i was back then...

but besides that...with ex's or people that i used to date i tend to get easily annoyed with their quirks just like i did back then...but things like that normally wouldn't phase me now...well maybe it's just cuz they had left me with a poor impression so anything they do pisses me off....& maybe it IS them & their quirk really IS just annoying....

but i think i've found the main reason why...tonight

i know, personally, i am always trying to reach some sort of higher level of perfection...& if not that at least my mentality is becoming more & more mature....i know that for a fact

but...they on the other hand have stayed the same....exactly the same....maybe it's my anger at their wasting away their life & not bettering themselves to their potential (cuz based on my personality type i tend to see the potential in people or something) or maybe it's just that i was able to put up with it then but it was things like that that held me back & moving on has made me into what i am now...

eg, a person tonight that i confronted with something that i was annoyed with...first he tried to guilt trip me or make me feel like i was saying something stupid even though he claimed he wasn't...trust me i've been through the worst of your shit kid don't try to bs me...i KNOW why you say certain things....& then he went into a lapse of being depressed....& i know what it's like to go through depression....but i swear it felt like deja vu i felt like i had heard it all before...but that was over a year ago...my response then were things like "don't say things like that" & feel a lot of sympathy....but this time...i just flat out said "stop that shit" cuz you know what? he's very very capable of putting himself in a better place...he is a very very deep person & he is a thinker....so was i....i pulled myself out of it...i know he can too....i'm not saying i don't have sympathy for people with depression because i know how useless things people say are when you are actually in it....but i guess for me...like a lot of people trusted themselves to get out of this state......
i know i'm lucky enough to have "figured it out" on my own...cuz most people can't...but i really suggest going to seek help if you are in such a state...granted i have heard some stories about bad experiences with professional help but it does not hurt to try....there has to be good people out there that truly want to help you...

anyways that wasn't the point of this entry...haha cuz it has to be about me....jk:P

that was about it...

i'm going to a food fair type thing this weekend...we'll see how that goes...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:54 PM PST
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Wednesday, 23 February 2005
21
Mood:  celebratory
last night as i awaited this day...i was so excited & i have no idea why...

i started off my birthday at around midnight when erick took me to buy champagne for his requested cake (though he denies he requested it) i made him stand there as i snatched up some groceries too cuz my fridge was starving to be filled...

"yay! you bought your first bottle of alcohol"
"& you witnessed it"

i was so tired...i was trying hard to read for my thursday quiz but i just couldn't...drifted off to bed knowing of my hectic day before me...

i dreamt of random things among which was a moment then erick told me theta was his favorite greek letter...too much trying to understand 165 for me..

i was in business casual
class
tried to go to career fair but wasn't open yet
alex, erick, & i went to breakfast at julie's
class
more class
career fair...felt so icky...it's not even about trying to sell myself it's the part where they ask for my gpa that i know i've lost that battle...ugh
cell phone out of battery had no idea of time thought i missed class by accident freaked out
went home realized that the bank clock was wrong
plugged in cell & listened to/read 4 really cute voice/text messages...i miss you too chris!
changed into gym clothes
pe
then home to check email & read sweet messages on my facebook
bus to class
home
dinner at crepevine with the girls
came home & opened present from maheen/audrey/sharmeen
yay for futurama...excellent....but i need to study must not & purrrty sparkling earrings:)
& now for 165...how crappy! one quiz w/ one question is 10% of our grade...

i was pretty happy though slightly stressed all day...dunno if it's cuz i'm in a much different mindset that this birthday went well...see? i'm relatively easy to please? i didn't even drink alcohol hahha...that's cool though i never care to drink....

there are people that i was really happily surprised that remembered my birthday:):) & there are others that i'm pretty disappointed in...granted i'm not hurt or anything i just think they really aren't worthy of being considered a close friend anymore....(it wasn't just this incident but a culmination) the only word that comes to mind is "fucker" so that person is just that....trust me...i'm not angry by any means...i jsut thought they'd know better

another thing on that note is
there is NO SUCH THING as "too busy to do (blank)" it just is a lie/excuse....i have found that to be true in my own life...there is always time for everything that you truly want to do or make an effort to do....no matter how trivial or how much of a waste of time it may seem to be...

but of course i don't want to end this on a bad note because i'm truly happy today & i have come to realize how great it is to be in the frame of mind i am now...i love everyone for making me feel soo special....& please don't take this thank you lightly....you have no idea what a good mood i'm in especially for having undergone a somewhat hectic day :) MUAH!

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:54 PM PST
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Monday, 21 February 2005
Myers-Briggs Typology Test
i took this last semester for my E36 class & now for my ieor171 class & it's funny that my result is always the same..i guess it's fairly accurate...well i'm posting this mainly because it proves & is an indicator of why i have the previous two entries of today...i had to smile as i read this

INFJ


& another article about it:

Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judging
by Marina Margaret Heiss

INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.




i hope that career part in the 2nd article is right:P bah

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 6:09 PM PST
Updated: Monday, 21 February 2005 6:19 PM PST
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5 things bad, 10 things good
so i went home this long weekend and as i tried to do hw i started rummaging through the drawers of my old desk as i always do...

i started looking through my files which i hadn't done in a long time...there were things that were of my past that were soo important to me...

getting into that john's hopkins gifted youth program, volunteering at the hospital, etc...

& then i came across medical files..
one was a folder from a little talk my mom dragged me to when i was young...it was about kids that were overweight...i remember thinking that i looked around & people were in a much unhealthier condition than i was but i just accepted myself as one of them even though i clearly was not...now when i look back on that...that must have been so traumatizing...to have your mom take you to a talk about seriously obese kids when i was at most chubby...but what caught my eye wasn't all this crap about "eating right" it was a simple paper on which we were suppose to write 5 things we did not like about ourselves & 10 things we did...under the bad i wrote (in this order):

1. fat
2. spend too much money
3. not pretty
4. not tall enough
5. (blank)

under the good were a bunch of generic crap like organized, nice, like to read, etc...

i was blow away...i flat out said out loud "oh my gosh what IS this!"

yes i understand the exercise was to understand our weakness & the 10 of the good were suppose to cancel out the sting of the 5 bad...& yea i couldn't think of the 5th bad but those 4 were enough to get me angry at how i was raised & my thoughts back then....

3 out of the 4 things were all physical traits...that pissed me off....to have been brought up to hate the way i looked in every way? what kindof life is that! i'm not saying i don't care but i should've not cared enough to put them on a list as my weaknesses...i'm no beauty but i'm not ugly....& the crap i wrote down for my "strengths"..oy....

so at almost 21 years of age i will redo that sheet of paper on here...with REAL weaknesses & REAL strengths

5 things i don't like about myself:

1. my tendency to be overly nice
2. sometimes putting too much emphasis on physical appearance/relationships with others
3. my ever renewing faith in people even those that don't deserve it
4. getting too stressed too easily by certain things
5. my occasional lack of motivation

10 things i like about myself:

1. quickness in recooperation
2. how i can get lost into my thoughts & others can think of me as full of layers
3. my ability to work with my hands
4. my love of cooking
5. my close friends & being able to be a good friend to others
6. i'm smart (in difference aspects of life not just referring to academics which i'm no longer super strong haha)
7. curiousity for life & desire to search for a deeper meaning of it all
8. how i can get excited about a lot of things
9. the chameleon in me
10. i can achieve anything as long as i want it enough

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 2:14 PM PST
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bart ride: contrasts
gray clouds mask a bright blue sky
six ducks swimming contently in a pond with a rusty car submerged on the side
graffiti on the other side of the wall of a nice golf course
guy in boxers feeding pet bord
empty playground
newly built courtyard apartments
houses with splintered wood and chipping paint with laundry on a line outside
guy smoking on his balcony by himself
three chubby birds in three shades of brown fluffing themselves on a lamppost at the station
dented washer and dryer out in the backyard
driveway barely fitting one car snugly
large handmade wooden birdhouse in the tree
two middle school aged girls, one in hot pink & the other in white, from their hand motions and expressions i gather are gossiping
see sun shining down on faraway mountains
ghirardelli factory store:)
tiny house with huge letters "MovieKlip Productions"
man on sidewalk with face buried in hands
beautiful newly built company across from wherehouses with dismantled cars and empty bunkbeds in the back
piles of gravel and one half dying/alive tree
the word "crime" written in red on the side of a building next to Sunshine biscuits and Mother's Cookies
"jesus saves from hell" wooden cut outs embellished with flames on the side of the 2nd story of a house
red ball from a nearby school playground stuck between the pipes on the roof of a rickity wherehouse
our state flower the golden poppy bursting into bloom in a fenced abandoned lot

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:50 PM PST
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Friday, 18 February 2005
there's nothing quite like...
walking home from the gym after a good workout

seeing the clear bay before me

"drops of jupiter" playing in my ears

the bite in the air lending a sweep of rose over my face

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 2:39 AM PST
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Monday, 14 February 2005
wah wah wah self sufficient
so when jamie & i left class today...it was pouring rain & right outside the door, in the rain, was a guy relatively nicely dressed with a dozen dark pinkish roses...jamie said loudly, "that guy knows what's up! props to him" i laughed & all i could wonder what who was the lucky girl from our class...

after cooking decal i was walking home in the dark w/ my umbrella & i couldn't help but feel a bit lonely...why? cuz of a day that was labelled for love? that's so insanely stupid...granted i wasn't sad at all...& i was like maybe i should go home & watch chick flicks & then i realized how masochistic that would be...& as i thought that i saw a guy sitting in the dark in the rain with a disappointed look on his face...i couldn't stop my imagination from dreaming up a story about him in my mind....& i wondered why people were so masochistic & self pitying...

so we don't have anything to do on this day so what? 1st of all not only should every day be a day filled w/ love & when you show your love for your special someone...but why does it even matter if we DO have someone...

oh you don't feel complete
oh these are just excuses
oh you just want to be loved

wah wah wah all you want but as a person, single or with someone, you are supposed to be self sufficient....

you ARE supposed to be complete
& there are people that love you ALWAYS

even people that spend their lives giving to others & trying to make a difference are still living for themselves...they are trying to make this stay on earth worth their while....

i've said this a lot but not anytime recently but i will repeat it for the sake of vday....

the key to happiness is being happy with being yourself & NEVER should be defined by others around you....it's not about who loves you...it's not about who you help....it's about who & what you love & what you gather to develop yourself from each experience/interaction

i know i have worded it better in the past...but yea...i'm busy:P haha

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:01 PM PST
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Sunday, 13 February 2005
huh
why does it always surprise me when i see how unconsiderate people are? you'd think that element would've been normal to me now

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 6:06 PM PST
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