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C is for...candor
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Monday, 21 February 2005
5 things bad, 10 things good
so i went home this long weekend and as i tried to do hw i started rummaging through the drawers of my old desk as i always do...

i started looking through my files which i hadn't done in a long time...there were things that were of my past that were soo important to me...

getting into that john's hopkins gifted youth program, volunteering at the hospital, etc...

& then i came across medical files..
one was a folder from a little talk my mom dragged me to when i was young...it was about kids that were overweight...i remember thinking that i looked around & people were in a much unhealthier condition than i was but i just accepted myself as one of them even though i clearly was not...now when i look back on that...that must have been so traumatizing...to have your mom take you to a talk about seriously obese kids when i was at most chubby...but what caught my eye wasn't all this crap about "eating right" it was a simple paper on which we were suppose to write 5 things we did not like about ourselves & 10 things we did...under the bad i wrote (in this order):

1. fat
2. spend too much money
3. not pretty
4. not tall enough
5. (blank)

under the good were a bunch of generic crap like organized, nice, like to read, etc...

i was blow away...i flat out said out loud "oh my gosh what IS this!"

yes i understand the exercise was to understand our weakness & the 10 of the good were suppose to cancel out the sting of the 5 bad...& yea i couldn't think of the 5th bad but those 4 were enough to get me angry at how i was raised & my thoughts back then....

3 out of the 4 things were all physical traits...that pissed me off....to have been brought up to hate the way i looked in every way? what kindof life is that! i'm not saying i don't care but i should've not cared enough to put them on a list as my weaknesses...i'm no beauty but i'm not ugly....& the crap i wrote down for my "strengths"..oy....

so at almost 21 years of age i will redo that sheet of paper on here...with REAL weaknesses & REAL strengths

5 things i don't like about myself:

1. my tendency to be overly nice
2. sometimes putting too much emphasis on physical appearance/relationships with others
3. my ever renewing faith in people even those that don't deserve it
4. getting too stressed too easily by certain things
5. my occasional lack of motivation

10 things i like about myself:

1. quickness in recooperation
2. how i can get lost into my thoughts & others can think of me as full of layers
3. my ability to work with my hands
4. my love of cooking
5. my close friends & being able to be a good friend to others
6. i'm smart (in difference aspects of life not just referring to academics which i'm no longer super strong haha)
7. curiousity for life & desire to search for a deeper meaning of it all
8. how i can get excited about a lot of things
9. the chameleon in me
10. i can achieve anything as long as i want it enough

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 2:14 PM PST
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bart ride: contrasts
gray clouds mask a bright blue sky
six ducks swimming contently in a pond with a rusty car submerged on the side
graffiti on the other side of the wall of a nice golf course
guy in boxers feeding pet bord
empty playground
newly built courtyard apartments
houses with splintered wood and chipping paint with laundry on a line outside
guy smoking on his balcony by himself
three chubby birds in three shades of brown fluffing themselves on a lamppost at the station
dented washer and dryer out in the backyard
driveway barely fitting one car snugly
large handmade wooden birdhouse in the tree
two middle school aged girls, one in hot pink & the other in white, from their hand motions and expressions i gather are gossiping
see sun shining down on faraway mountains
ghirardelli factory store:)
tiny house with huge letters "MovieKlip Productions"
man on sidewalk with face buried in hands
beautiful newly built company across from wherehouses with dismantled cars and empty bunkbeds in the back
piles of gravel and one half dying/alive tree
the word "crime" written in red on the side of a building next to Sunshine biscuits and Mother's Cookies
"jesus saves from hell" wooden cut outs embellished with flames on the side of the 2nd story of a house
red ball from a nearby school playground stuck between the pipes on the roof of a rickity wherehouse
our state flower the golden poppy bursting into bloom in a fenced abandoned lot

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:50 PM PST
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Friday, 18 February 2005
there's nothing quite like...
walking home from the gym after a good workout

seeing the clear bay before me

"drops of jupiter" playing in my ears

the bite in the air lending a sweep of rose over my face

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 2:39 AM PST
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Monday, 14 February 2005
wah wah wah self sufficient
so when jamie & i left class today...it was pouring rain & right outside the door, in the rain, was a guy relatively nicely dressed with a dozen dark pinkish roses...jamie said loudly, "that guy knows what's up! props to him" i laughed & all i could wonder what who was the lucky girl from our class...

after cooking decal i was walking home in the dark w/ my umbrella & i couldn't help but feel a bit lonely...why? cuz of a day that was labelled for love? that's so insanely stupid...granted i wasn't sad at all...& i was like maybe i should go home & watch chick flicks & then i realized how masochistic that would be...& as i thought that i saw a guy sitting in the dark in the rain with a disappointed look on his face...i couldn't stop my imagination from dreaming up a story about him in my mind....& i wondered why people were so masochistic & self pitying...

so we don't have anything to do on this day so what? 1st of all not only should every day be a day filled w/ love & when you show your love for your special someone...but why does it even matter if we DO have someone...

oh you don't feel complete
oh these are just excuses
oh you just want to be loved

wah wah wah all you want but as a person, single or with someone, you are supposed to be self sufficient....

you ARE supposed to be complete
& there are people that love you ALWAYS

even people that spend their lives giving to others & trying to make a difference are still living for themselves...they are trying to make this stay on earth worth their while....

i've said this a lot but not anytime recently but i will repeat it for the sake of vday....

the key to happiness is being happy with being yourself & NEVER should be defined by others around you....it's not about who loves you...it's not about who you help....it's about who & what you love & what you gather to develop yourself from each experience/interaction

i know i have worded it better in the past...but yea...i'm busy:P haha

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:01 PM PST
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Sunday, 13 February 2005
huh
why does it always surprise me when i see how unconsiderate people are? you'd think that element would've been normal to me now

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 6:06 PM PST
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turn for the negative
so i've noticed my entries have had a turn for the negative these past few days...

i've been very proud of my independence for the past few months....& my sense of carefree-ness

but maybe it's something about valentine's day or maybe it's the things i've found out within the past couple of weeks that have slowly been breaking me down...

i guess i still am more sensitive than i realized

but that just makes me human...

so i'm not worried...

the moment when bad news doesn't completely bother me...i think that's when i need to worry cuz then i'd just be emotionally dead

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:52 PM PST
Updated: Sunday, 13 February 2005 6:06 PM PST
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dream v. reality
for me, there is sometimes a fine line between my dream state and reality

sometimes in my mind i think an event has genuinely happened when in reality it did not...nothing of great importance though

i think i may have woke up in the middle of the night crying & curled up in a ball...but i am unsure because in the morning there is no proof of anything happening...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:43 PM PST
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Saturday, 12 February 2005
cyrano
so sometimes i wonder how much of the cyrano de bergerac-esque actions i carry out

i mean granted cyrano was still after selfish results...while that isn't necessarily the case for me...i don't actually like like the people that my friends pursue but i wonder how much of my advice & the things i tell them to say make their relationship what it is today...

what i mean is sometimes i tell people to say things whether it's serious or playful & cute...& it has just the effect i predict when i give the advice but it is played off as that of their significant other...

& i wonder how often they think upon it & say aww he/she is so sweet & cute...when in reality it was my contribution

i know for example (i will not use names for fear of the people that read this that don't tell me) i gave advice to a friend for valentine's day a few years back & the significant other still to this day talks about it & about how sweet it was & how it was so romantic & what not...

it just makes me wonder what part of that disappears when i enter a relationship myself? i guess it is always different when you are the outsider...there are no emotions involved? but see that's what i don't get...there has to be emotion to have thought of the advice/idea in the first place...(maybe it's like the movie hitch...i haven't seen but from the commercials that's what i gather it's about)

why can i seem to figure out what to keep another couple's relationship alive? but yet i'm still single...not that i'm complaining (though sometimes i am) ok...well i know for one that the guys in my life have been flawed...(not that i've been little miss perfect but basically they've all been asses to a certain extent)

i apologize for all this mushy gushy valentine's day-ish thinking crap....i think i've been watching too much tv...all this sappy stuff...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:49 PM PST
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Are you happy now?
pasting random tidbits of an article i found interesting:

There's a lot of randomness in the decisions that people make. I think people are quite often wrong in predicting how they'll feel about the outcome of the decisions they make. They tend to exaggerate the emotional result of almost anything they do. Nothing in life is quite as important as you think it is while you're thinking about it. So just thinking about any change that you want to make in your life tends to make you exaggerate its importance.



Temperament and character are the main determinants of happiness.


GMJ: So if we're mostly wrong when we predict what will make us happy, how come we're most often mildly pleased?

Kahneman: It's called the phenomenon of adaptation. In general, the differences between groups of different circumstances are much smaller than you expect. So, for instance, paraplegics tend to be much less miserable than people expect, and lottery winners are much less happy than people expect. And I think that we have a handle on what is happening there.

What we believe now is that, to a large extent, you change what you pay attention to over time. So, when you're first married or first become a paraplegic or whatever, that is what you think about most often. If you aren't paraplegic and think about what being a paraplegic is like, then you're always miserable while you're thinking about it. But if you are a paraplegic, you will gradually start thinking of other things, and the more time you spend thinking of other things, the less miserable you are going to be. That's why you tend to exaggerate the effect of paraplegia if you aren't one and think less about it if you are one -- because paraplegics are not full-time.

So your emotional state really has a lot to do with what you're thinking about and what you're paying attention to. Adaptation seems to be, to a substantial extent, a process of reallocating your attention. Many years ago, we did a study in which we asked people if they would be happier if they lived in California. Most people think they would be, and that's because the climate is better in California. And people in California think they're happier than people who live in other places. But when you actually measure it, you don't find it. Non-Californians are just as happy as Californians. In fact, when you live in a place, you don't think about its climate very much. You don't think about any of its characteristics very much. You just go through your day.

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:57 PM PST
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Friday, 11 February 2005
birthday
Mood:  lazy
so every year....

i look to my birthday with excitement but with slight fear as well...

in year's past it has brought me nothing but disappointment and annoyance...

it seems to be a trend

i don't really care if i get older...it's just a number

but it's the people around me that end up pissing me off

so i often take my friend's birthdays as somewhat of an event...it's a reason to be super nice & hang out & have fun & treat them even more special than i normally would...

i try my best to make sure they get that "aww i feel so loved feeling" (at least my close friends)

cuz for me...that's what it's all about

i know that i'm a sap for romance...(not necessarily in the lovey dovey sense) ok don't misunderstand...i don't EXPECT romance from friends or guys...i just choose to carry that out myself....(maybe in the spirit of proving romance isn't dead)

what i mean is...
eg, chanda is often complaining that aaron never does anything romantic....& i always give her the same answer...neither do you, chanda....& she knows i'm right but she just likes to complain i suppose...(as most girls do...i am guilty as well) but GIRLS remember it's a two way street don't expect to be swept off your feet if you don't do anything for them either

in past experience i was expert at doing "cute" things like that...things that don't have to be anything extravagant but just make the other person think "omg that's so sweet" even if they don't say it....

anyways i'm totally off topic

so birthdays

birthdays has become a day that i see as a measurement of how people care for me...i know i know that's so extreme....i mean if they were nice to me all year & they forget my birthday i'm not gonna hate them or anything...haha...but yea...i don't even really expect anything from anyone i just want them to simply remember that that day is special & unique to me...they just have to simply say "happy birthday" & i feel special...simply because they remembered...

but i guess i do expect a little more from my close friends...i DON'T expect them to drop everything to celebrate with me like i would for them (that was a total guilt trip sort of sentence haha) but i just want to feel loved for at least that day...

& when i say feel loved that means not "blaming" me & my birthday for you not getting your work done EVERYTIME you see me the rest of that week for having seen a 2 hr movie with me...

& in this year's case that means if you are my best friend you remember my birthday enough that you DON'T sign up for work for that night (esp. since i am also your best friend & you constantly asked me what to do because you had to go to a dance performance on our other friend's birthday that is NOT your best friend....AND i definitely spent a couple hundred on her overall gift for her birthday AND she noted that i was the only one that remembered her birthday) YES i'm bitter already

i find that my birthday always seems to be the day that reminds me that i should not be as nice to my "friends" as i am....maybe it's to keep me in check...

there is never that element of surprise

nor an element of fun

nor do i feel loved at all

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:34 PM PST
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