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C is for...candor
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Sunday, 13 February 2005
dream v. reality
for me, there is sometimes a fine line between my dream state and reality

sometimes in my mind i think an event has genuinely happened when in reality it did not...nothing of great importance though

i think i may have woke up in the middle of the night crying & curled up in a ball...but i am unsure because in the morning there is no proof of anything happening...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:43 PM PST
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Saturday, 12 February 2005
cyrano
so sometimes i wonder how much of the cyrano de bergerac-esque actions i carry out

i mean granted cyrano was still after selfish results...while that isn't necessarily the case for me...i don't actually like like the people that my friends pursue but i wonder how much of my advice & the things i tell them to say make their relationship what it is today...

what i mean is sometimes i tell people to say things whether it's serious or playful & cute...& it has just the effect i predict when i give the advice but it is played off as that of their significant other...

& i wonder how often they think upon it & say aww he/she is so sweet & cute...when in reality it was my contribution

i know for example (i will not use names for fear of the people that read this that don't tell me) i gave advice to a friend for valentine's day a few years back & the significant other still to this day talks about it & about how sweet it was & how it was so romantic & what not...

it just makes me wonder what part of that disappears when i enter a relationship myself? i guess it is always different when you are the outsider...there are no emotions involved? but see that's what i don't get...there has to be emotion to have thought of the advice/idea in the first place...(maybe it's like the movie hitch...i haven't seen but from the commercials that's what i gather it's about)

why can i seem to figure out what to keep another couple's relationship alive? but yet i'm still single...not that i'm complaining (though sometimes i am) ok...well i know for one that the guys in my life have been flawed...(not that i've been little miss perfect but basically they've all been asses to a certain extent)

i apologize for all this mushy gushy valentine's day-ish thinking crap....i think i've been watching too much tv...all this sappy stuff...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:49 PM PST
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Are you happy now?
pasting random tidbits of an article i found interesting:

There's a lot of randomness in the decisions that people make. I think people are quite often wrong in predicting how they'll feel about the outcome of the decisions they make. They tend to exaggerate the emotional result of almost anything they do. Nothing in life is quite as important as you think it is while you're thinking about it. So just thinking about any change that you want to make in your life tends to make you exaggerate its importance.



Temperament and character are the main determinants of happiness.


GMJ: So if we're mostly wrong when we predict what will make us happy, how come we're most often mildly pleased?

Kahneman: It's called the phenomenon of adaptation. In general, the differences between groups of different circumstances are much smaller than you expect. So, for instance, paraplegics tend to be much less miserable than people expect, and lottery winners are much less happy than people expect. And I think that we have a handle on what is happening there.

What we believe now is that, to a large extent, you change what you pay attention to over time. So, when you're first married or first become a paraplegic or whatever, that is what you think about most often. If you aren't paraplegic and think about what being a paraplegic is like, then you're always miserable while you're thinking about it. But if you are a paraplegic, you will gradually start thinking of other things, and the more time you spend thinking of other things, the less miserable you are going to be. That's why you tend to exaggerate the effect of paraplegia if you aren't one and think less about it if you are one -- because paraplegics are not full-time.

So your emotional state really has a lot to do with what you're thinking about and what you're paying attention to. Adaptation seems to be, to a substantial extent, a process of reallocating your attention. Many years ago, we did a study in which we asked people if they would be happier if they lived in California. Most people think they would be, and that's because the climate is better in California. And people in California think they're happier than people who live in other places. But when you actually measure it, you don't find it. Non-Californians are just as happy as Californians. In fact, when you live in a place, you don't think about its climate very much. You don't think about any of its characteristics very much. You just go through your day.

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:57 PM PST
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Friday, 11 February 2005
birthday
Mood:  lazy
so every year....

i look to my birthday with excitement but with slight fear as well...

in year's past it has brought me nothing but disappointment and annoyance...

it seems to be a trend

i don't really care if i get older...it's just a number

but it's the people around me that end up pissing me off

so i often take my friend's birthdays as somewhat of an event...it's a reason to be super nice & hang out & have fun & treat them even more special than i normally would...

i try my best to make sure they get that "aww i feel so loved feeling" (at least my close friends)

cuz for me...that's what it's all about

i know that i'm a sap for romance...(not necessarily in the lovey dovey sense) ok don't misunderstand...i don't EXPECT romance from friends or guys...i just choose to carry that out myself....(maybe in the spirit of proving romance isn't dead)

what i mean is...
eg, chanda is often complaining that aaron never does anything romantic....& i always give her the same answer...neither do you, chanda....& she knows i'm right but she just likes to complain i suppose...(as most girls do...i am guilty as well) but GIRLS remember it's a two way street don't expect to be swept off your feet if you don't do anything for them either

in past experience i was expert at doing "cute" things like that...things that don't have to be anything extravagant but just make the other person think "omg that's so sweet" even if they don't say it....

anyways i'm totally off topic

so birthdays

birthdays has become a day that i see as a measurement of how people care for me...i know i know that's so extreme....i mean if they were nice to me all year & they forget my birthday i'm not gonna hate them or anything...haha...but yea...i don't even really expect anything from anyone i just want them to simply remember that that day is special & unique to me...they just have to simply say "happy birthday" & i feel special...simply because they remembered...

but i guess i do expect a little more from my close friends...i DON'T expect them to drop everything to celebrate with me like i would for them (that was a total guilt trip sort of sentence haha) but i just want to feel loved for at least that day...

& when i say feel loved that means not "blaming" me & my birthday for you not getting your work done EVERYTIME you see me the rest of that week for having seen a 2 hr movie with me...

& in this year's case that means if you are my best friend you remember my birthday enough that you DON'T sign up for work for that night (esp. since i am also your best friend & you constantly asked me what to do because you had to go to a dance performance on our other friend's birthday that is NOT your best friend....AND i definitely spent a couple hundred on her overall gift for her birthday AND she noted that i was the only one that remembered her birthday) YES i'm bitter already

i find that my birthday always seems to be the day that reminds me that i should not be as nice to my "friends" as i am....maybe it's to keep me in check...

there is never that element of surprise

nor an element of fun

nor do i feel loved at all

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:34 PM PST
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faze
Mood:  chillin'
so it's happened twice in the past two weeks...

realization that certain things just won't happen

the first time i was a bit down...but the second time i was surprisingly calm & not fazed at all

i knew i should be sad

but i just wasn't

i'm not complaining...i'm actually proud of myself

i had invested about 6 months of my life for this result...

i guess in my mind i was thinking one of two things

well i guess i could still happen...who's to say...

& the other (which seems to be the way i feel most of the time recently) is that if it's not meant to be then it's not meant to be...& i KNOW it's not me...it just didn't happen...so what? that's no reason to define myself in these terms...it didn't even occur to me that maybe it was a weakness of mine....so that's good

i don't know if this has anything to do with having seen "serendipity" basically that everything that happens has a meaning and a reason...

but i just figure if i didn't get the result i wanted i wasn't meant to have it...& in this case...if the result didn't happen i wouldn't be happy if it was forced or a favor to me by any means...

i'm glad this has been my mentality since i'm internship searching...i don't want to constantly be down

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:40 PM PST
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Wednesday, 9 February 2005
recooperation
Mood:  hug me
so today's events (which were completely fucking unnecessary) i walked home feeling good & smiling to myself as the day wound down...i just had to go home & do hw now & i was set for the week...

i realized i recooperate fast nowadays...

i can start the day off stressed & actually end on a good note...not bad...it used to taint my whole day

anywho...so i come home i get online to find hw help & i see him online....he who said he'd come up wednesday to bring me the chair...(last wednesday aka a week ago) he said he'd call...& of course he never did...how typical...whatever...so i wasn't even going to im him i just didn't feel like it...i was used to it...didn't matter anymore...but he signed off....& that's when i said "fucker" outloud...yea i know this is a minute moment in my life & it really doesn't matter but you know what....i FUCKING hate it when people make me out to be the bad person....i didn't fucking do anything can't you people get it through your head? i feel like certain people avoid me because they did something wrong & they fucking act like it's my fault or something....best example: ken blocked me after we broke up as if IIIIII did something wrong...hey who am i to judge but he WAS the one that cheated on me...

boys are dumb

i mean it's not going to dampen my day but gawd i'm so fucking glad my past IS my past & i don't have to deal with this kinda shit on a daily basis anymore...

i have to admit...i really thought people were more mature than this...but i know i tend to give them too much benefit of the doubt...

he really treats me badly....i seem to forget that...i don't know why i even bother keeping him around as a "friend"





other random topic...i saw carl the other day...ironically as i was thinking about all the people i've met at berkeley...

i've met a decent amount of people..not a lot but enough...

(oh yea this was also spurred because yesterday 2 people said hi to me enthusiastically & i had no idea who they were...naturally i felt bad)

& i realized (ok i always knew but never really wrote it here) that most of my friends are guys...i DO meet a lot of girls but i never seem to click with them...(i have all my hs friends who are girls but they aren't going to be included in this section) so yea...i mean i know guys are easier to get along with but is it something about berkeley girls that just doesn't sit well with me? i mean of the girls i've met that i've relaly liked a lot are from completely diff. types of groups...& i know we'd never hang out on our own...eg, the girls that were in my pe class that first semester (we were all completely diff)

& yea...a lot of the people i approach to meet happen to be guys...eg, ben, khoa, etc...

i guess i'm just too guyish for most girls' tastes





you know this semester i change a lot...clothes that is...from business casual to casual to workout what not...

& i really wonder what people think of me from my clothes...

granted i haven't really cared recently cuz i seem to have a bit more confidence in my step but yea...

eg, i was walking for the bus w/ business casual on & one girl asked me " are you from haas?" i said no probably sounded a bit offended haha...the next day i saw her...i was in jeans & casual wear...i wonder what she was thinking or even recognized me...& today i was in workout clothes & i was walking semi fast i guess cuz today was a rush rush kinda day & this big black guy starts walking faster to stay beside me i sorta got confused & he's like wanna race? it was pretty funny but at the same time i wonder if he thought i was into running or something haha....

i dunno...sometimes i just wonder...

& like the mood says i am in need of a hug:(
it's funny...i have so many people i call friends but yet i don't really get hugs...only person i'd really hug that was just a friend often was like ben & he's gone:(

hugs are in demand...who wants to supply:P

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 5:56 PM PST
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Tuesday, 8 February 2005
what's in a name/fulfilling that balance
so this is totally random & has nothing to do with my life at the moment but i felt like saying it...

i know i had gone through this in my head at one point last year regarding a certain relationship

but seriously what's in a name...what's in a title for two people...

boyfriend/girlfriend, people that like each other, etc...

there is no freaking difference...

there is merely the false sense of security that a title for a relationship brings...being gf/bf doesn't mean either one of them likes each other more than people that don't have that title...it doesn't prevent break ups in any sort of way...

so what's the big deal?

i have to confess though i too find a sense of security in such a title because of the frail state you are in when you finally admit to yourself you are completely infatuated with that person...




now...the other half of my entry...

i know i display a fine balance of everything in my life....i don't do it on purpose it just seems to be what i do automatically...why i bring this up is i realized that the only blogs i read are completely contradictory...there are a few stray ones i read once in a while but the ones i read often are one of a super outgoing character & that of a completely shy & innocent character....(neither of which i am close to by any means)

maybe it's because i am at a happy medium of the two but partially it's because i'm in slight awe of each...granted i would never want to be either of them just cuz i don't fit either too well & they are both boys:P...

i just am not capabale of being so outgoing so maybe it's curiousity for that kind of life...& the innocent one maybe it's because i am a bit reminescent of the way i used to be...i know i wouldn't give up my life now for the past but maybe it's nice to know people like that are still out there....innocence is beautiful

that's all really...

& i'm stressed...........
anyone want to offer their massage services?

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:59 PM PST
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Sunday, 6 February 2005
oh the truth
i was looking up the dates for pisces & i came across this...it's funny how i hate so much to fit a stereotype or group & yet i don't mind admitting i fit my horoscope to a tee...well maybe just cuz it's true...i don't fit any other description of me better....but yea...:

SUN or MARS in PISCES
SUN is here February 20 - March 20)
The man who attracts you is romantic and sensitive, and either... imaginative and a dreamer / artistic or musical / spiritually oriented / in need of help / or lost and confused.

The idea of a secret love affair can excite and entice you. Mystery intriques you.

Your innate sympathetic nature makes you a sucker for a sob story. Compassion for another can create an initial interest in them. Emotional types attract you, and sharing feelings can seduce you.
Broken-hearted lovers, starving artists, and penniless poets play on your heart strings. You can be attracted to a man who needs a savior, but also to one you can see as your savior.

If you were a Princess, you would be dreaming of a romantic "knight in shining armour" to come and sweep you off your feet.

Especially if you have Mars in Pisces, you could be prone to let your passive and sympathetic nature lead you to lovers who use or abuse you. You may fantasize about being "taken", but you don't have to be taken advantage of.







i went home this weekend...it was a mixture of bad & good...but i have to admit the overall feeling was good because even in the bad i found good...once again my mom commented on my weight i threw a mini fit & i went to my room cuz i just didn't want to hear it anymore...i closed the door, grabbed my euripides & began frantically reading because i wanted to take my mind off of the situation or i was going to cry...she continued to yell through the door...i snatched the notepad & pen by my bed & went under the covers again & i began writing...when i am emotional are the best times for me to write everything i write makes so much sense...i didn't bring it with me (i was going to type it up here) but i realized that it was probably better this way i did not want to be consistently reminded of such a night...i ended up falling asleep hiding underneath my blankets...

i really had not heard most of the things she yelled because i covered my ears....why did i need to have this negativity seep into my brain & just make my heart sink....i knew the shit she had to say i've only heard it all my life...the next day i got up early cuz we had planned to go to the flea market & i just acted like nothing was wrong i think i took her by surprised cuz normally i just wouldn't talk to her...i realized i was at a point in my life where i really didn't care...not that i didn't care what she had to say but in terms of my body....yea i've complained all my life...i've been told all my life how horrible i look...granted i had my moments when i was told that when it wasn't true but i really don't care....as long as i know i am healthy i'm fine with the way i look...i go to the gym at the very least every other day i cardio i lift weights...i cook almost everything i eat...i barely eat out anymore...i really don't cook anything that's bad for me...i've been pretty careful....that's the most i can do...& i basically look the same...so what's there to do...i love my life....i really do...so i don't look like the girls in magazines....so what??!?! i really dont' give a shit...as long as i lead a healthy life & when i flex i have muscles to prove to myself i'm not a complete wimp haha....

anyways....gawd i'm so unproductive

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:50 PM PST
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Wednesday, 2 February 2005
sense mode: the walk home
class door opened to the cold breeze hitting my face

sky was reddish pink...sunset

walked down the hill

missed the light

put on headphones

crossed street & walked through the tree-ish area

took in a deep breath of the oxygen from the trees

walked in tambark to avoid smoke clouds of girl w/ cigarette for fear of tainting my air

saw freshly white flower dabbed trees

walked through grass..squishy

walked past a trashcan that was always stinky

heard the roar of a motorcycle

smelled its exhaust

heard the tut tut tut of a girl on her scooter

crossed street, walked faster as soon as i realized the cars were really close, headlights shining on me

fumbled with keys, jingling

up the stairs

home

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:00 PM PST
Updated: Sunday, 6 February 2005 8:33 PM PST
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Monday, 31 January 2005
concentration
no not the game...

but i guess it is a game.....of balance

this is merely to remind myself

concentration of the mind, heart, and body



i've been pretty good about "being good"
(oh i know what you're thinking...stop it! i don't mean anything sexual or drinking/getting high related) "being good" as in being healthy emotionally, mentally, and physically...

i've been good

go me

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:54 PM PST
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