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C is for...candor
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Wednesday, 5 January 2005
suppression...
each time i read or am reminded of the past the more & more i realize how adept i am at blocking out all bad things that has happened in the past...

call it selective memory...

call it survival of the fittest...

call it the only reason i do not sit in front of you today a ball of tangled string...

a year ago in my private blog i wrote this on new years:

will start my new year exactly as i want my year to be like...& the rest of my life...independent...self sufficient...relying on no one but myself for my own happiness...joy is greater when it is unexpected...when i am no longer as optimistic that something will happen to make me happy...


i didn't realize til that moment that i had achieved just that this year

i'm proud of myself


i sit alone at my computer completely silent, w/ loud music blasting in my ears screaming all the things i want it to but i can't....my music is keeping me sane for the moment

i actually miss adam

& wow reading these old entries makes me realize i was in a completely bad place at the time...

watched "O"
nothing like planting the seed of doubt/uncertainty/jealousy

reading more...i quote myself
"it hurts more to regret things i did not do than to regrets things i have done"

i'm insane i read this past entry in which i remembered ken had an online photo album & my heart skipped a beat cuz i was reminded again & so i went in search of it...i found it...course...nothing new & i know he probably had not touched it since he last updated it...summer 2003...i was about to say last summer..but it wasn't...that's so fucking lame connie...that's over a year ago....but yet i was still flattered my pictures w/ him were still there...what was he gonna do connie....well after getting bitter towards dom again cuz of old entries i'd have to say...well he could've erased me from his life like dom fucking did....

i'm surprised i'm as healthy as i am today...

past entries reminded me of things: all of dom's lies or omissions of the truth...how i would ALWAYS find out the truth...how at one point in my life i was going to help dom get back together w/ phuong by telling her how much he loved her & how much my heart hurt....how ken asked me out....how beautiful it was....how happy i felt....how i fell asleep that night hugging that teddy bear w/ a huge unerasable grin on my face just waiting for the morning so i could tell rachel & kira the news...how i jumped out of bed the second they woke up & i kept laughing them & telling them how it happened....& they were so happy for me......how dead i felt...how work drained me....how i studied & studied only to probably flunk my finals...how dom would tell me of all his troubles & my own would cook....in a pressure cooker....






all in all i'm so very proud of myself...

very proud

i've worked through so many things

i know i'm a spoiled brat so sometimes i don't want to say i've been through a lot...

but i remember all i would've said to that is it's all relative...

(& i know this all sounds so bitchy)
it's all relative...if it is painful to one person knowing that someone else has been through worse does not make it less painful...

but anyways...

i knew i was healthier this semester...
but i did not know the extent of this healthiness til i read things from when i was depressed....

i have worked through a lot...put a lot of things behind me....& finally become a better person...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:45 PM PST
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#4 on life's to do list shot
i woke up today really thinking i was gonna be productive & then i turned on the tv...

& maybe that's where i went wrong

it was $40 a day & there was a commercial for voting on the semifinalists for next food network star

i felt a huge pain in my stomach & heart (minus the instantaneous crying it felt like when i found out ken had a new gf)

this was not about boys

this was about one of my life goals & it was ruined

even thinking about this now i want to cry

i can't even explain this pain...i feel sick

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:38 PM PST
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best fiance in the world
so i remember the smirk-ish glances erick & i gave each other when we saw that "best fiance in the world" shirt

erick strained to try to sneak a glance at the picture on the front & being the occassional facebook stalker that i am i told him that it was probably on facebook...

we checked...not a super clear picture...i had seen her in real life before..they had seen each other across the street from each other & as they crossed the street he picked her up & twirled her like a child as they hugged as if they had not seen each other in years...so i commented to erick on how i thought she looked

but while doing our final project for 140 & spending a crazy amt of hours in a basement it greatly amused us when that guy & his fiance came into the room i saw erick look casually & when they had left i said "i'm right, right?" he said something like "oh yeeeea"

so i was browsing facebook tonight once again & i come across this profile...his about me section said "ask my fiance" & hers said "will you be my queen?" & i knew that's probably what he said to propose...

in his testimonials it had said "one of the few good guys left in the world" or something

it echoed in my head

i couldn't help but think to myself "how lame" but then sense a twinge of jealousy in the back of my throat...

i knew i wanted something beautiful & something debatably untangible...

i wanted what love stories are made of...

was it really impossible?

as marisa tomei said in "only you": someone had to have experienced those memories or felt those emotions to be able to have written such a love story

& though my past experiences are weights on my balloons of optimism...i have hope

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:48 AM PST
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Tuesday, 4 January 2005
idle
i have drowned my brain w/ watching disk after disk of 24 & unnecessary movies i always meant to watch

i can feel myself get boring ("mean girls" style & i hate the fact that i'm about to quote lindsey lohan who i don't particularly like "i could hear people getting bored with me...")

maybe it's cuz my brains been so idle...or maybe i just miss being useful...i ALMOST miss being in school

i could sense my cousins getting bored by me when they visited...i just wasn't as energetic & excited as i used to be...i don't know what it was...i didn't make smart ass comments...& the lunch w/ dom...it was just him talking & granted maybe he's like chanda who consciously talks non-stop when there is awkward silence to fill that very silence but i can't help but think it's me...even when chris & i hang out...i find myself saying stupid things that i can't believe i just said or mentioned merely because it popped into my head for a second...

ugh...i mean i guess it's not all that important...

& ironically i feel like i'm updating this blog merely because i feel like i want to have something to say but i just don't...so i find myself sitting here typing to fill an awkward silence & lull in my blog/life...

but perhaps it took my babble to realize that very fact & so i end this entry

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:24 PM PST
Updated: Wednesday, 5 January 2005 12:20 AM PST
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Wednesday, 29 December 2004
love thyself
i realized i never posted the "love thyself" entry which i refer to in the previous entry...so here it is (please remember this was written july 11th):

so i know i want to focus on me...but why do i keep half hoping someone will come & sweep me off my feet...cuz i know that's the easy way out....that way i never have to focus on my problems...that is, until that person leaves me & then i'll be a bigger & bigger mess....

this is what i mean....i don't want others to supply my happy pills anymore...

&...it's not so much that i don't want someone in my life...cuz i'm almost positive that i will/do...but i don't want to look for it...i want it to happen if it happens to...otherwise it's no big deal...i don't need someone...it's a plus...but it's not necessary to seek people out to fill that role...i should be completely satisfied on my own....& i know to a certain extent i am because i absolutely must have my alone time...& i savor every bit of it...

ppl always ask me..isn't it lonely living alone?...or comment on how sad that is...that never occurred to me at all...it almost proves to me someone's insecurities...you mean you CAN'T live alone?...you're not comfortable enough in your own skin to be by yourself...to spend time w/ yourself? you need people around so you're not alone...hey don't get me wrong i'm not bashing them....they may be completely different than me & that's fine & dandy...but i'm just saying as a general case...that is the truth...yes yes....there's the "it's more fun w/ ppl around" excuse...but you know what...that can only carry you so far...do you really want to be w/ ppl all the time...where's the time for you...& there's the money reason which is completely legitimate & i know i'm spoiled...well in the sense that my parents..if it's for academics they will bend over backwards to give me the best...& i need silence to study...thus my studio....i figure if i want to interact w/ ppl i can leave my apt...it's not a big deal...but it's almost my little haven i come home to..where i can be myself & be happy...& be alone...& laugh or cry by myself...i don't have to put up a front...i don't have to pretend...i can strip my outside skin & revel in the nudity of the true me...i can sing as loud as i want, watch food network as much as i want, lie on my bed thinking as long as i want, dance as much as i want, gossip as dramatically as i want,...

see....i'm depressed....but i am happy enough with myself that i would never choose to be someone else....i actually love my life...i love who i am...i bitch & complain about my faults....but in reality, i wouldn't trade them for any other...

i love the fact that i have my ditzy moments...but they aren't bad enough to be called stupid...

i love the fact that i love everything...i can get so hyped up about things

i love the fact that i'm not a total girly girl but i can when i want to be...

i love the fact that i am guyish....that i love motorcycles...i'm proud of that

i love the fact that if i really try...i can do anything well

i love the fact that i do have memories i can look back on...it makes me human & reminds me that i have lived

i love the fact that i think so much...

i love the fact that i am so nice...maybe it's my weakness but it's a hellava lot better than being bitchy

i even love the fact that i get hurt...cuz i know i'm not the one doing the hurting...

i love the fact i do get depressed because it makes me realize i need to work on myself...& that no one is perfect...

i love the fact that i am not skinny...because it gives me a side that most skinny girls don't understand

i love the fact that my senses are incredibly sensitive...my mind can track down a moment down to how the sweater felt against my hand & cheek...& how it smelt & how it looked...& how i felt...

i love the fact that i cry...i don't keep it bottled up inside, churning with each thought

i love the fact that people come to me to talk...it let's me know i'm good to open up to...they trust me

i love the fact that strangers always seem to ask me for the directions or questions even when there are tons of other ppl around & i'm trying to act all tough or so i think i guess...i swear it's something in my eyes that let's them know i'm a good person

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:18 PM PST
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Tuesday, 28 December 2004
eternal sunshine
if my relationship with dom were to be defined in movies... little black book would be my point of view & i'm sure eternal sunshine would be his...

i was excited but scared to watch this movie for the longest time...i knew it would make me think & i know how my mind wanders but i guess being somewhat of a drama queen i wanted to watch it...

i thought it'd be some amazing revelation but it really wasn't

i already knew that i would never want to erase my memories because it is what makes me who i am...although some were painful many were happy & i learned through them all...

why i say this would be dominic's perspective...no i'm not clementine...i am noami..."i should've stayed with naomi. she was nice. nice is good." phuong is clementine...granted i don't know if they are meant to be together like joel & clementine were (if you erase someone & meet them & still want to be with them you are obviously somewhat meant to be) but that is how i see their relationship...(i know phuong probably is not as slutty as clementine or as rebellious or impulsive) but she is the type to i imagine become predictable to dom (who sorry..is significantly more observant & smart) & i'm sure to dom she just gets boring & i'm sure phuong gets annoyed w/ dom from time to time...when he was with me & things began to downfall...i realized he had supressed his memories with her...not because they were better....even he admitted that...but simply because she was first (not in the case of the movie i know) but she was able to persuade him & touch him with their memories together...

i was surprisingly not bothered by the movie at all (minus the really creepy blurred faces & no face faces) i really am over him...i would've cried if i saw something like this before...

i remember another reason why i was hesitant to see the movie was because he went w/ her to see this movie secretly w/out my knowing...i read it in her lj (which i no longer read) she said her "date" got nauseous & they had to take a rest in the middle of the movie or they left or something i don't even remember but i wonder now if it was cuz he was so bothered by the movie or if he really was sick...

i came across this notepad file on my desktop that i knew was there but i forgot what was in it...

it was labelled "love thyself"
it was the most inspiring thing i had read in a long time & i couldn't believe i wrote it...

i think it was an entry for this blog i wrote offline..so it's probably posted...i will check if not i will post it...

i wish everyone a belated merry christmas & happy new year...

i'm thankful for you all...


Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:51 PM PST
Updated: Wednesday, 29 December 2004 12:08 PM PST
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Wednesday, 15 December 2004
woah saratoga is cool
so now i feel a sudden burst of pride...

which is rare cuz it's not like i'm all proud i'm from saratoga

but i found out that the wife of John Brown, Mary Ann Day Brown is buried in Saratoga!

& if you forgot who John Brown was:
John Brown

in short terms he's the abolitionist that led Harpers Ferry...he led the slaves to rebellion and he was found guilty & hung & ended up being a martyr

i remember watching a movie about him & wanting to tear up cuz i was so touched by it...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:09 PM PST
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our mars explorer
this is what erick wrote for our own analysis of what happened during the project...

i thought it was cute...so i will post it...i made me feel a little better:

In an unfortunate turn of events on December 13, 2004, the Mars Explorer from team 2 experienced complications getting to Mars, resulting in a devastating crash landing. It is believed that somewhere on its path from Earth to Mars, there was a malfunction of some kind, though the exact cause of the crash is still unknown at this time. Although it was not able to complete its mission of tracing the ruins, we received some more satellite photos of the region that seemed to suggest that Mars was once inhabited by extremely intelligent life. The ruins spelled out the word ?CAL.? We immediately realized the importance of this mission. This proved that the minds at the University of California at Berkeley are out of this world. There was thought that many of them weren?t ?normal,? but this was definitive proof. All in all, we would still consider this mission a success considering everything that we learned.





my mom called me...she basically said i had to start paying for my own crap...i just grew silent...i was angry but at the same time i knew i should be responsible for myself...but at the same time...she is the one that wants me to focus on school....so i dunno what the fuck she wants outta me.....

inside i'm full of rage...

i had bought a lot of groceries to make the presents for everyone...probably spent a total of over $200...(that's for craft things/food/boxes) & this is what she said to me in chinese of course "why are you buying so much food, stop making yourself fat"...& you wonder why i have issues w/ my weight....i've gotten this all my life & trust me it's been much worse...& she wonders how i could EVER be depressed & how i could ever say that she is the main cause of the personal dissatisfaction with myself & my low low self esteem.

i had nothing to say to her...i was just silent...i didn't even raise my voice or yell like i normally do...i don't know why really...i just sat there...occassionally pulling the phone away & then putting it back only to have her still going off about the same damn thing...

i just don't care anymore...

nowadays it is only my mom that can truly make me break down & cry...

it's never really boy related anymore...

she always does this...

& i hate that she has so much control over me

in a weird way i wonder if i could ever do that as a parent...be so freaking forceful in wanting them to do things a certain way...but have them half hate me for it but at the same time not be able to rebel & NOT listen to me...they will eventually follow what i say because they have made it their own set of rules/goals...

i knew my weight issue has always been there..in & out of the picture...at the present moment...def in i am completely out of shape & i have no idea how at one point i was in such good shape...

boy issues...the thing is in reality i'm very very content w/ being alone...i love spending time w/ myself....just sitting there thinking or listening to music & what not...but my mom has almost embedded into my brain that if i don't have someone i am worthless....granted many girls feel that way but how often do their moms tell them at 20 years old "you are running out of time just grab someone quick" & that i couldn't afford to wait around or something to the effect of i shouldn't be waiting around for that perfect person...basically that i should jump on any chance...

i hate that

it never bothered me before really...i guess i didn't really care...but i realized that is always in the back of my mind when in reality i freaking love being single...

if someone comes into the picture so be it but if not i'm worth just as much as if i did have someone

"you are what you love, not what loves you"

never define your life through the eyes of others

you are define by where your talents & passions lie not by what ppl think about you...or who you're with...

i am

an engineer
an artsy fart
a card maker
a cook
a secret lover of motorcycles
a weight lifter
a thinker

i am not

adam/ken/dom's ex
my friends' friend
my mother's daughter


i have learned this later in the game but not too late...but that's what i love about his semester i have truly defined myself to myself...

i am more than what ppl see...

i am glad of that...

i hardly want to be someone that can be "figured out" & i have pride in the fact that ppl find me complicated & "hard to get" anyways i've been thru this before...but yea..

blogs always make me feel better...

thanks for listening blog *pat on head*

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 6:48 PM PST
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Tuesday, 14 December 2004
ok so this made me feel better
Cookie Monster

C Is For Cookie

C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me
C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me
C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me
Oh Cookie, Cookie, Cookie starts with C
A round cookie with one bite out of it looks like a C
A round doughnut with one bite out if it also looks like a C
But it is not as good as a cookie
Oh, and the moon sometimes looks like a C,
But you can't eat that!
So, C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me
C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me
C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me
Oh, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie starts with C

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:02 PM PST
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lots of rage i am trying to supress
i dunno if it's the staying in lab for over 30 hours
only to have our robot still not work
or the hurried making of holiday gifts
or etc etc

but i am super annoyed/frustrated

i won't even begin to explain...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:02 PM PST
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