i realized i never posted the "love thyself" entry which i refer to in the previous entry...so here it is (please remember this was written july 11th):
so i know i want to focus on me...but why do i keep half hoping someone will come & sweep me off my feet...cuz i know that's the easy way out....that way i never have to focus on my problems...that is, until that person leaves me & then i'll be a bigger & bigger mess....
this is what i mean....i don't want others to supply my happy pills anymore...
&...it's not so much that i don't want someone in my life...cuz i'm almost positive that i will/do...but i don't want to look for it...i want it to happen if it happens to...otherwise it's no big deal...i don't need someone...it's a plus...but it's not necessary to seek people out to fill that role...i should be completely satisfied on my own....& i know to a certain extent i am because i absolutely must have my alone time...& i savor every bit of it...
ppl always ask me..isn't it lonely living alone?...or comment on how sad that is...that never occurred to me at all...it almost proves to me someone's insecurities...you mean you CAN'T live alone?...you're not comfortable enough in your own skin to be by yourself...to spend time w/ yourself? you need people around so you're not alone...hey don't get me wrong i'm not bashing them....they may be completely different than me & that's fine & dandy...but i'm just saying as a general case...that is the truth...yes yes....there's the "it's more fun w/ ppl around" excuse...but you know what...that can only carry you so far...do you really want to be w/ ppl all the time...where's the time for you...& there's the money reason which is completely legitimate & i know i'm spoiled...well in the sense that my parents..if it's for academics they will bend over backwards to give me the best...& i need silence to study...thus my studio....i figure if i want to interact w/ ppl i can leave my apt...it's not a big deal...but it's almost my little haven i come home to..where i can be myself & be happy...& be alone...& laugh or cry by myself...i don't have to put up a front...i don't have to pretend...i can strip my outside skin & revel in the nudity of the true me...i can sing as loud as i want, watch food network as much as i want, lie on my bed thinking as long as i want, dance as much as i want, gossip as dramatically as i want,...
see....i'm depressed....but i am happy enough with myself that i would never choose to be someone else....i actually love my life...i love who i am...i bitch & complain about my faults....but in reality, i wouldn't trade them for any other...
i love the fact that i have my ditzy moments...but they aren't bad enough to be called stupid...
i love the fact that i love everything...i can get so hyped up about things
i love the fact that i'm not a total girly girl but i can when i want to be...
i love the fact that i am guyish....that i love motorcycles...i'm proud of that
i love the fact that if i really try...i can do anything well
i love the fact that i do have memories i can look back on...it makes me human & reminds me that i have lived
i love the fact that i think so much...
i love the fact that i am so nice...maybe it's my weakness but it's a hellava lot better than being bitchy
i even love the fact that i get hurt...cuz i know i'm not the one doing the hurting...
i love the fact i do get depressed because it makes me realize i need to work on myself...& that no one is perfect...
i love the fact that i am not skinny...because it gives me a side that most skinny girls don't understand
i love the fact that my senses are incredibly sensitive...my mind can track down a moment down to how the sweater felt against my hand & cheek...& how it smelt & how it looked...& how i felt...
i love the fact that i cry...i don't keep it bottled up inside, churning with each thought
i love the fact that people come to me to talk...it let's me know i'm good to open up to...they trust me
i love the fact that strangers always seem to ask me for the directions or questions even when there are tons of other ppl around & i'm trying to act all tough or so i think i guess...i swear it's something in my eyes that let's them know i'm a good person