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C is for...candor
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Wednesday, 29 December 2004
love thyself
i realized i never posted the "love thyself" entry which i refer to in the previous entry...so here it is (please remember this was written july 11th):

so i know i want to focus on me...but why do i keep half hoping someone will come & sweep me off my feet...cuz i know that's the easy way out....that way i never have to focus on my problems...that is, until that person leaves me & then i'll be a bigger & bigger mess....

this is what i mean....i don't want others to supply my happy pills anymore...

&...it's not so much that i don't want someone in my life...cuz i'm almost positive that i will/do...but i don't want to look for it...i want it to happen if it happens to...otherwise it's no big deal...i don't need someone...it's a plus...but it's not necessary to seek people out to fill that role...i should be completely satisfied on my own....& i know to a certain extent i am because i absolutely must have my alone time...& i savor every bit of it...

ppl always ask me..isn't it lonely living alone?...or comment on how sad that is...that never occurred to me at all...it almost proves to me someone's insecurities...you mean you CAN'T live alone?...you're not comfortable enough in your own skin to be by yourself...to spend time w/ yourself? you need people around so you're not alone...hey don't get me wrong i'm not bashing them....they may be completely different than me & that's fine & dandy...but i'm just saying as a general case...that is the truth...yes yes....there's the "it's more fun w/ ppl around" excuse...but you know what...that can only carry you so far...do you really want to be w/ ppl all the time...where's the time for you...& there's the money reason which is completely legitimate & i know i'm spoiled...well in the sense that my parents..if it's for academics they will bend over backwards to give me the best...& i need silence to study...thus my studio....i figure if i want to interact w/ ppl i can leave my apt...it's not a big deal...but it's almost my little haven i come home to..where i can be myself & be happy...& be alone...& laugh or cry by myself...i don't have to put up a front...i don't have to pretend...i can strip my outside skin & revel in the nudity of the true me...i can sing as loud as i want, watch food network as much as i want, lie on my bed thinking as long as i want, dance as much as i want, gossip as dramatically as i want,...

see....i'm depressed....but i am happy enough with myself that i would never choose to be someone else....i actually love my life...i love who i am...i bitch & complain about my faults....but in reality, i wouldn't trade them for any other...

i love the fact that i have my ditzy moments...but they aren't bad enough to be called stupid...

i love the fact that i love everything...i can get so hyped up about things

i love the fact that i'm not a total girly girl but i can when i want to be...

i love the fact that i am guyish....that i love motorcycles...i'm proud of that

i love the fact that if i really try...i can do anything well

i love the fact that i do have memories i can look back on...it makes me human & reminds me that i have lived

i love the fact that i think so much...

i love the fact that i am so nice...maybe it's my weakness but it's a hellava lot better than being bitchy

i even love the fact that i get hurt...cuz i know i'm not the one doing the hurting...

i love the fact i do get depressed because it makes me realize i need to work on myself...& that no one is perfect...

i love the fact that i am not skinny...because it gives me a side that most skinny girls don't understand

i love the fact that my senses are incredibly sensitive...my mind can track down a moment down to how the sweater felt against my hand & cheek...& how it smelt & how it looked...& how i felt...

i love the fact that i cry...i don't keep it bottled up inside, churning with each thought

i love the fact that people come to me to talk...it let's me know i'm good to open up to...they trust me

i love the fact that strangers always seem to ask me for the directions or questions even when there are tons of other ppl around & i'm trying to act all tough or so i think i guess...i swear it's something in my eyes that let's them know i'm a good person

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:18 PM PST
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Tuesday, 28 December 2004
eternal sunshine
if my relationship with dom were to be defined in movies... little black book would be my point of view & i'm sure eternal sunshine would be his...

i was excited but scared to watch this movie for the longest time...i knew it would make me think & i know how my mind wanders but i guess being somewhat of a drama queen i wanted to watch it...

i thought it'd be some amazing revelation but it really wasn't

i already knew that i would never want to erase my memories because it is what makes me who i am...although some were painful many were happy & i learned through them all...

why i say this would be dominic's perspective...no i'm not clementine...i am noami..."i should've stayed with naomi. she was nice. nice is good." phuong is clementine...granted i don't know if they are meant to be together like joel & clementine were (if you erase someone & meet them & still want to be with them you are obviously somewhat meant to be) but that is how i see their relationship...(i know phuong probably is not as slutty as clementine or as rebellious or impulsive) but she is the type to i imagine become predictable to dom (who sorry..is significantly more observant & smart) & i'm sure to dom she just gets boring & i'm sure phuong gets annoyed w/ dom from time to time...when he was with me & things began to downfall...i realized he had supressed his memories with her...not because they were better....even he admitted that...but simply because she was first (not in the case of the movie i know) but she was able to persuade him & touch him with their memories together...

i was surprisingly not bothered by the movie at all (minus the really creepy blurred faces & no face faces) i really am over him...i would've cried if i saw something like this before...

i remember another reason why i was hesitant to see the movie was because he went w/ her to see this movie secretly w/out my knowing...i read it in her lj (which i no longer read) she said her "date" got nauseous & they had to take a rest in the middle of the movie or they left or something i don't even remember but i wonder now if it was cuz he was so bothered by the movie or if he really was sick...

i came across this notepad file on my desktop that i knew was there but i forgot what was in it...

it was labelled "love thyself"
it was the most inspiring thing i had read in a long time & i couldn't believe i wrote it...

i think it was an entry for this blog i wrote offline..so it's probably posted...i will check if not i will post it...

i wish everyone a belated merry christmas & happy new year...

i'm thankful for you all...


Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:51 PM PST
Updated: Wednesday, 29 December 2004 12:08 PM PST
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Wednesday, 15 December 2004
woah saratoga is cool
so now i feel a sudden burst of pride...

which is rare cuz it's not like i'm all proud i'm from saratoga

but i found out that the wife of John Brown, Mary Ann Day Brown is buried in Saratoga!

& if you forgot who John Brown was:
John Brown

in short terms he's the abolitionist that led Harpers Ferry...he led the slaves to rebellion and he was found guilty & hung & ended up being a martyr

i remember watching a movie about him & wanting to tear up cuz i was so touched by it...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:09 PM PST
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our mars explorer
this is what erick wrote for our own analysis of what happened during the project...

i thought it was cute...so i will post it...i made me feel a little better:

In an unfortunate turn of events on December 13, 2004, the Mars Explorer from team 2 experienced complications getting to Mars, resulting in a devastating crash landing. It is believed that somewhere on its path from Earth to Mars, there was a malfunction of some kind, though the exact cause of the crash is still unknown at this time. Although it was not able to complete its mission of tracing the ruins, we received some more satellite photos of the region that seemed to suggest that Mars was once inhabited by extremely intelligent life. The ruins spelled out the word ?CAL.? We immediately realized the importance of this mission. This proved that the minds at the University of California at Berkeley are out of this world. There was thought that many of them weren?t ?normal,? but this was definitive proof. All in all, we would still consider this mission a success considering everything that we learned.





my mom called me...she basically said i had to start paying for my own crap...i just grew silent...i was angry but at the same time i knew i should be responsible for myself...but at the same time...she is the one that wants me to focus on school....so i dunno what the fuck she wants outta me.....

inside i'm full of rage...

i had bought a lot of groceries to make the presents for everyone...probably spent a total of over $200...(that's for craft things/food/boxes) & this is what she said to me in chinese of course "why are you buying so much food, stop making yourself fat"...& you wonder why i have issues w/ my weight....i've gotten this all my life & trust me it's been much worse...& she wonders how i could EVER be depressed & how i could ever say that she is the main cause of the personal dissatisfaction with myself & my low low self esteem.

i had nothing to say to her...i was just silent...i didn't even raise my voice or yell like i normally do...i don't know why really...i just sat there...occassionally pulling the phone away & then putting it back only to have her still going off about the same damn thing...

i just don't care anymore...

nowadays it is only my mom that can truly make me break down & cry...

it's never really boy related anymore...

she always does this...

& i hate that she has so much control over me

in a weird way i wonder if i could ever do that as a parent...be so freaking forceful in wanting them to do things a certain way...but have them half hate me for it but at the same time not be able to rebel & NOT listen to me...they will eventually follow what i say because they have made it their own set of rules/goals...

i knew my weight issue has always been there..in & out of the picture...at the present moment...def in i am completely out of shape & i have no idea how at one point i was in such good shape...

boy issues...the thing is in reality i'm very very content w/ being alone...i love spending time w/ myself....just sitting there thinking or listening to music & what not...but my mom has almost embedded into my brain that if i don't have someone i am worthless....granted many girls feel that way but how often do their moms tell them at 20 years old "you are running out of time just grab someone quick" & that i couldn't afford to wait around or something to the effect of i shouldn't be waiting around for that perfect person...basically that i should jump on any chance...

i hate that

it never bothered me before really...i guess i didn't really care...but i realized that is always in the back of my mind when in reality i freaking love being single...

if someone comes into the picture so be it but if not i'm worth just as much as if i did have someone

"you are what you love, not what loves you"

never define your life through the eyes of others

you are define by where your talents & passions lie not by what ppl think about you...or who you're with...

i am

an engineer
an artsy fart
a card maker
a cook
a secret lover of motorcycles
a weight lifter
a thinker

i am not

adam/ken/dom's ex
my friends' friend
my mother's daughter


i have learned this later in the game but not too late...but that's what i love about his semester i have truly defined myself to myself...

i am more than what ppl see...

i am glad of that...

i hardly want to be someone that can be "figured out" & i have pride in the fact that ppl find me complicated & "hard to get" anyways i've been thru this before...but yea..

blogs always make me feel better...

thanks for listening blog *pat on head*

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 6:48 PM PST
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Tuesday, 14 December 2004
ok so this made me feel better
Cookie Monster

C Is For Cookie

C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me
C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me
C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me
Oh Cookie, Cookie, Cookie starts with C
A round cookie with one bite out of it looks like a C
A round doughnut with one bite out if it also looks like a C
But it is not as good as a cookie
Oh, and the moon sometimes looks like a C,
But you can't eat that!
So, C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me
C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me
C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me
Oh, Cookie, Cookie, Cookie starts with C

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:02 PM PST
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lots of rage i am trying to supress
i dunno if it's the staying in lab for over 30 hours
only to have our robot still not work
or the hurried making of holiday gifts
or etc etc

but i am super annoyed/frustrated

i won't even begin to explain...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:02 PM PST
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Saturday, 11 December 2004
understand my frustration
so this is semi addressed to a certain person but i don't think he even reads my blog anymore...

we got pretty close once we got to college even though we were super far apart but then somehow in the summer i got fake annoyed at something & then it ended up being a fight over nothing & we just haven't really talked much since then

i realize i probably take my anger out on him sometimes as i do with all my close guy friends...but it takes like a day or less to get over unless they really did something wrong...

but at the same time i'm sort of hurt this time...

& i wanted to say the reasons but at the time i felt like i was ratting a friend out...

but basically i got mad at him cuz he never calls me & he always calls our other friend...i started that argument half kiddingly...but then for some reason i just got mad...

he said i never call him either

which is true...but see the reality is that she never calls him either unless he called her first

& for some odd reason i always seem to be there when he calls her & i know for a fact that she almost always silences her phone...

& she's told me that half the time she doesn't even listen to him & what not...

& i guess that's where my frustration stemmed...he was trying so much freaking harder to be her friend & he never made that effort for me...

granted i was at fault too for not calling randomly but i'm not really one to do that anyways...

he gave the excuse of him knowing her longer & how that made a difference because he was far away

maybe for him? but i just didn't see that as any sort of valid excuse...because TECHNICALLY i've known him since elementary school...

my argument was that it's not like you sit around talking about your middle school experiences & past...so what difference does it make if it's about the present...& it's not like we even went to a different middle school i know everyone he knows...

i know this sounds super lame to even be debating this on this blog

but you have to understand how frustrated i feel & how upset i get when i see him calling this mutual friend because sup'dly she's a "better" friend when in reality she's not & she's guilty of everything i'm guilty of & still she gets consistent phone calls

i freaking know this is petty...

but at the same time it's just very frustrating to see a friend slip away before my eyes

yes i know i can do something about it...

i can just get over it & be his friend

but i always fucking do that

& i'm so sick of it

i'm so very sick of being the forgiving friend that you can pull through the mud & i'll still be the smiling ever giving connie all over again

i know i've changed a lot already...

i already put up with a lot less crap

but it's always there in the back of mind

i have to force myself to not do things like that cuz that just gives them the green light for treating me badly

person to whom this is addressed i'm not saying you treat me badly but you didn't seem to understand my frustration...so this is it....if you even read this anymore

& granted i was never to the point of showering you w/ selfless friendship but it still hurts nonetheless

i just needed to get this off my chest

cuz our mutual friend was defending him tonight & i got so pissed off inside my mind

as i was cooking today...

i was reminded of how dom just kept saying i was probably beyond my years...i was definitely more mature than most of my friends...& i don't want to offend anyone but i realize again how true that is...maybe not on the outside...i'm a total kid but inside my mind i've thought many more thoughts & experienced more emotional pain than most of them in certain aspects...

& i definitely realize i gravitate to making friends w/ those that are older than me or that just know a lot of stuff...cuz i learn so much from them...they intrigue me...& in a weird way i feel more of a common ground with them...

i know i'm coming off as a total bitch(& starting as a kid & then going into how mature i am) in this entire entry but i'm just telling you how i see it...

i know i'm not great at putting things into words

& i also realized besides the advice of those older than me i have never received a single piece of life applicable good/useful advice from a single friend...

if anything it's been me listening to their woes & giving them advice that they seem to be "amazed" by or something...something useful...i don't even bother going too forward & being too offensive as to pointing out their errors cuz then they'd just disagree & absorb nothing from the conversation..they'd just sit there angry that i'd even have the nerve to say what i did...

anyways there was no real point to this entry cept to get that off my chest

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:02 AM PST
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Friday, 10 December 2004
baggage
Now Playing: more keane
i wouldn't be here if i didn't have tons of stuff to get done....

so here i am

i was just thinking how much of an asshole dom is

haha

i actually haven't really thought about it in a while but when i realize how long we haven't talked i realized that he is a total jerk...& poorly he treats/treated me...

& of course i still hate "her"...but i guess with not as much passion...but i suppose it's cuz there is no feeling there anymore...it's just the principle...but it's in the past....so it stays there...

i would never sit & cry about it

when i was at the gym the other day w/out music i was left to think

i realized my capacity to overthink has gone down greatly...i can literally space out & not think about anything deep for a long time...that would've never been the case before i guess cuz there really is nothing to think about anymore...

i just have what lies in the future for me...no need to overthink the past

anyways that's not what i was thinking about...i was thinking about emotional baggage...& how some people choose not to get involved with others for fear of drama & excess baggage...

i started to think about my own baggage....& questioned if i had any at all...

my conclusion was something to this effect:

my emotional baggage is definitely not a carry on

it's something i check in at the counter...

i have a little slip of paper for it...so there is evidence that i have it but i don't really constantly think about it...

if it comes up i won't hesitate to talk about it but at the same time i won't bring it up as any sort of issue because it just isn't

& in reality the second a new person enters the picture it's all about them & me...my past does not really affect the things i do/the way i act...

granted the baggage does contain things i need to be me (going w/ the analogy my clothes my accessories etc) but i will not let it hinder me in any sort of way...

the things i've learned might make me hesitate occassionally for fear of a repeated pain but in reality i tend to end up going with what my heart desires....

i'm not sure that made any sense in words but it makes sense inside my head...

in a shortened version: i'd like to think my experiences have molded me into a better me...but they are no longer open wounds & i would never even call them true baggage...granted they hurt me in the past but they no longer affect me with the same intensity if any at all....


on another side note...dom's sister added me as a friend on friendster...i sorta forgot about my friendster acct & i realized it was sorta sad cuz i didn't talk to a lot of the ppl under my friends...i just sorta stopped...some i miss others i could do without...
but it reminded me too how much i love dom's family i don't think i have been treated so well by another family before...they pampered me like their own....& i just remember him saying that they didn't like "her" some sort of vibe she gave off or something...that they just didn't mesh well with her no matter how much she wanted them to...but they fell in love w/ me instantaneously...aww i'm so lovable haha jk...i'd like to think parents like me though...i seem like such a nice girl hahahhaha seeeeeem....nah i am! :P

anyways another sidetrack...everyone & their mothers want my money

ok so i was a total dumbass & i turned my sbc check to landlord & vice versa...so landlord gave me back the check & i called sbc today & it sorta freaked me out cuz apparently they cashed it somehow it didn't even say their name though! i have no idea how the hell they pulled that one so i have like $900 credit to freaking sbc & i had already given landlord a new rent check but they still gave me a notice today saying i didn't pay & i flippe dout cuz i thought maybe the check bounced or something..i still dunno if it did & i will get back the money from sbc on the 14th but i have to send in a new check w/ the corret amt...

& then the whole box situation described in cooking blog

& then! i came home wednesday to a door hanger on my apt door that said they accidentally left the cable on & i didn't have a contract w/ them yada yada yada & i def have paid them up til the current month so i was pissed off cuz it was just more things to deal with...i called them the next day (cuz it was too late when i got home wed) & i told them i had renewed my contract for a year's worth of cable in august & he said oh yea i might have left a doorhanger on your door by accident cuz you're right...fucker

anyways....that's about it for now...i really should do work...night all

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:09 AM PST
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Saturday, 4 December 2004
ode to team 2
Mood:  lyrical
Now Playing: keane
so...i sat down & wrote my robotics class team a poem...i haven't written one in a long time...since summer...then i wrote my brother's bday card & i realized i really have some badass rhyming skills HAHAHHA...nah...but i just surprise myself sometimes...when i really genuinely care about someone is when i can throw together the best poems...well...by poem i don't mean one of those artsy fartsy ones cuz when i write those they don't rhyme but poems as in the ones i write for my cards...

now you're expecting some beautiful amazing poem haha...lower your expectations & enjoy this fun poem:)...course i couldn't fit everything in! there's just too much plus some of it was hard to think of rhyming words :P jk...but yea...refer to previous entry entitled lab stories to understand some of it...


at first, this class made me feel unprepared
my lack of Java knowledge got me scared

but with you guys we trudged through the class
with many emails, Professor Glassey we'd harass

we gave tommy tracer/robby the robot/crazy chris googly eyes
& we realized the impossibility of contacting chris through email after many tries

the hours we spent on bombproof code
& yet our robot would do anything to avoid the blocked road

our hallway rolley chair race
& how the janitor still gives us a i'm-watching-you face

in the time it took to print, we each got a ph.D
& of course, we remember all the names chris would call me

we spent our lives in the basement of etcheverry
& oh how we longed to steal the 7up plus mixed berry

how can we forget the ingenious "the hinge" by erick the lego master
& how proud we'd be when the no Java experience team (aka us) would finish the track faster

i'm so glad our friendships grew
& i'll always remember that we were the amazing team two!

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:55 PM PST
Updated: Monday, 6 December 2004 12:45 AM PST
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hypocrisy
i have to admit...i'm sure i'm occassionally guilty of such things...but i'd like to think i'm pretty realistic about it...& if i realize that i'm being hypocritical...i will definitely stop...

others, however, consistantly annoy me with the hypocrisy they practice...it usually being them jealous or angry over something that they do themselves at least once if not all the time...

oh my boyfriend did this...i'm so freaking mad...& they themselves consistantly do such things...

oh you went without me? (silence treatment for however long) & then they proceed to go elsewhere without me on multiple occassions

i have my limits...

i can't stand it

reminded time after time

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:01 PM PST
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