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C is for...candor
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Tuesday, 14 December 2004
lots of rage i am trying to supress
i dunno if it's the staying in lab for over 30 hours
only to have our robot still not work
or the hurried making of holiday gifts
or etc etc

but i am super annoyed/frustrated

i won't even begin to explain...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:02 PM PST
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Saturday, 11 December 2004
understand my frustration
so this is semi addressed to a certain person but i don't think he even reads my blog anymore...

we got pretty close once we got to college even though we were super far apart but then somehow in the summer i got fake annoyed at something & then it ended up being a fight over nothing & we just haven't really talked much since then

i realize i probably take my anger out on him sometimes as i do with all my close guy friends...but it takes like a day or less to get over unless they really did something wrong...

but at the same time i'm sort of hurt this time...

& i wanted to say the reasons but at the time i felt like i was ratting a friend out...

but basically i got mad at him cuz he never calls me & he always calls our other friend...i started that argument half kiddingly...but then for some reason i just got mad...

he said i never call him either

which is true...but see the reality is that she never calls him either unless he called her first

& for some odd reason i always seem to be there when he calls her & i know for a fact that she almost always silences her phone...

& she's told me that half the time she doesn't even listen to him & what not...

& i guess that's where my frustration stemmed...he was trying so much freaking harder to be her friend & he never made that effort for me...

granted i was at fault too for not calling randomly but i'm not really one to do that anyways...

he gave the excuse of him knowing her longer & how that made a difference because he was far away

maybe for him? but i just didn't see that as any sort of valid excuse...because TECHNICALLY i've known him since elementary school...

my argument was that it's not like you sit around talking about your middle school experiences & past...so what difference does it make if it's about the present...& it's not like we even went to a different middle school i know everyone he knows...

i know this sounds super lame to even be debating this on this blog

but you have to understand how frustrated i feel & how upset i get when i see him calling this mutual friend because sup'dly she's a "better" friend when in reality she's not & she's guilty of everything i'm guilty of & still she gets consistent phone calls

i freaking know this is petty...

but at the same time it's just very frustrating to see a friend slip away before my eyes

yes i know i can do something about it...

i can just get over it & be his friend

but i always fucking do that

& i'm so sick of it

i'm so very sick of being the forgiving friend that you can pull through the mud & i'll still be the smiling ever giving connie all over again

i know i've changed a lot already...

i already put up with a lot less crap

but it's always there in the back of mind

i have to force myself to not do things like that cuz that just gives them the green light for treating me badly

person to whom this is addressed i'm not saying you treat me badly but you didn't seem to understand my frustration...so this is it....if you even read this anymore

& granted i was never to the point of showering you w/ selfless friendship but it still hurts nonetheless

i just needed to get this off my chest

cuz our mutual friend was defending him tonight & i got so pissed off inside my mind

as i was cooking today...

i was reminded of how dom just kept saying i was probably beyond my years...i was definitely more mature than most of my friends...& i don't want to offend anyone but i realize again how true that is...maybe not on the outside...i'm a total kid but inside my mind i've thought many more thoughts & experienced more emotional pain than most of them in certain aspects...

& i definitely realize i gravitate to making friends w/ those that are older than me or that just know a lot of stuff...cuz i learn so much from them...they intrigue me...& in a weird way i feel more of a common ground with them...

i know i'm coming off as a total bitch(& starting as a kid & then going into how mature i am) in this entire entry but i'm just telling you how i see it...

i know i'm not great at putting things into words

& i also realized besides the advice of those older than me i have never received a single piece of life applicable good/useful advice from a single friend...

if anything it's been me listening to their woes & giving them advice that they seem to be "amazed" by or something...something useful...i don't even bother going too forward & being too offensive as to pointing out their errors cuz then they'd just disagree & absorb nothing from the conversation..they'd just sit there angry that i'd even have the nerve to say what i did...

anyways there was no real point to this entry cept to get that off my chest

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:02 AM PST
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Friday, 10 December 2004
baggage
Now Playing: more keane
i wouldn't be here if i didn't have tons of stuff to get done....

so here i am

i was just thinking how much of an asshole dom is

haha

i actually haven't really thought about it in a while but when i realize how long we haven't talked i realized that he is a total jerk...& poorly he treats/treated me...

& of course i still hate "her"...but i guess with not as much passion...but i suppose it's cuz there is no feeling there anymore...it's just the principle...but it's in the past....so it stays there...

i would never sit & cry about it

when i was at the gym the other day w/out music i was left to think

i realized my capacity to overthink has gone down greatly...i can literally space out & not think about anything deep for a long time...that would've never been the case before i guess cuz there really is nothing to think about anymore...

i just have what lies in the future for me...no need to overthink the past

anyways that's not what i was thinking about...i was thinking about emotional baggage...& how some people choose not to get involved with others for fear of drama & excess baggage...

i started to think about my own baggage....& questioned if i had any at all...

my conclusion was something to this effect:

my emotional baggage is definitely not a carry on

it's something i check in at the counter...

i have a little slip of paper for it...so there is evidence that i have it but i don't really constantly think about it...

if it comes up i won't hesitate to talk about it but at the same time i won't bring it up as any sort of issue because it just isn't

& in reality the second a new person enters the picture it's all about them & me...my past does not really affect the things i do/the way i act...

granted the baggage does contain things i need to be me (going w/ the analogy my clothes my accessories etc) but i will not let it hinder me in any sort of way...

the things i've learned might make me hesitate occassionally for fear of a repeated pain but in reality i tend to end up going with what my heart desires....

i'm not sure that made any sense in words but it makes sense inside my head...

in a shortened version: i'd like to think my experiences have molded me into a better me...but they are no longer open wounds & i would never even call them true baggage...granted they hurt me in the past but they no longer affect me with the same intensity if any at all....


on another side note...dom's sister added me as a friend on friendster...i sorta forgot about my friendster acct & i realized it was sorta sad cuz i didn't talk to a lot of the ppl under my friends...i just sorta stopped...some i miss others i could do without...
but it reminded me too how much i love dom's family i don't think i have been treated so well by another family before...they pampered me like their own....& i just remember him saying that they didn't like "her" some sort of vibe she gave off or something...that they just didn't mesh well with her no matter how much she wanted them to...but they fell in love w/ me instantaneously...aww i'm so lovable haha jk...i'd like to think parents like me though...i seem like such a nice girl hahahhaha seeeeeem....nah i am! :P

anyways another sidetrack...everyone & their mothers want my money

ok so i was a total dumbass & i turned my sbc check to landlord & vice versa...so landlord gave me back the check & i called sbc today & it sorta freaked me out cuz apparently they cashed it somehow it didn't even say their name though! i have no idea how the hell they pulled that one so i have like $900 credit to freaking sbc & i had already given landlord a new rent check but they still gave me a notice today saying i didn't pay & i flippe dout cuz i thought maybe the check bounced or something..i still dunno if it did & i will get back the money from sbc on the 14th but i have to send in a new check w/ the corret amt...

& then the whole box situation described in cooking blog

& then! i came home wednesday to a door hanger on my apt door that said they accidentally left the cable on & i didn't have a contract w/ them yada yada yada & i def have paid them up til the current month so i was pissed off cuz it was just more things to deal with...i called them the next day (cuz it was too late when i got home wed) & i told them i had renewed my contract for a year's worth of cable in august & he said oh yea i might have left a doorhanger on your door by accident cuz you're right...fucker

anyways....that's about it for now...i really should do work...night all

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:09 AM PST
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Saturday, 4 December 2004
ode to team 2
Mood:  lyrical
Now Playing: keane
so...i sat down & wrote my robotics class team a poem...i haven't written one in a long time...since summer...then i wrote my brother's bday card & i realized i really have some badass rhyming skills HAHAHHA...nah...but i just surprise myself sometimes...when i really genuinely care about someone is when i can throw together the best poems...well...by poem i don't mean one of those artsy fartsy ones cuz when i write those they don't rhyme but poems as in the ones i write for my cards...

now you're expecting some beautiful amazing poem haha...lower your expectations & enjoy this fun poem:)...course i couldn't fit everything in! there's just too much plus some of it was hard to think of rhyming words :P jk...but yea...refer to previous entry entitled lab stories to understand some of it...


at first, this class made me feel unprepared
my lack of Java knowledge got me scared

but with you guys we trudged through the class
with many emails, Professor Glassey we'd harass

we gave tommy tracer/robby the robot/crazy chris googly eyes
& we realized the impossibility of contacting chris through email after many tries

the hours we spent on bombproof code
& yet our robot would do anything to avoid the blocked road

our hallway rolley chair race
& how the janitor still gives us a i'm-watching-you face

in the time it took to print, we each got a ph.D
& of course, we remember all the names chris would call me

we spent our lives in the basement of etcheverry
& oh how we longed to steal the 7up plus mixed berry

how can we forget the ingenious "the hinge" by erick the lego master
& how proud we'd be when the no Java experience team (aka us) would finish the track faster

i'm so glad our friendships grew
& i'll always remember that we were the amazing team two!

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:55 PM PST
Updated: Monday, 6 December 2004 12:45 AM PST
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hypocrisy
i have to admit...i'm sure i'm occassionally guilty of such things...but i'd like to think i'm pretty realistic about it...& if i realize that i'm being hypocritical...i will definitely stop...

others, however, consistantly annoy me with the hypocrisy they practice...it usually being them jealous or angry over something that they do themselves at least once if not all the time...

oh my boyfriend did this...i'm so freaking mad...& they themselves consistantly do such things...

oh you went without me? (silence treatment for however long) & then they proceed to go elsewhere without me on multiple occassions

i have my limits...

i can't stand it

reminded time after time

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:01 PM PST
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Monday, 8 November 2004
a typical walk home
Now Playing: keane-somewhere only we know
walking home from office hours at about 8pm...

from diagonally across campus (betchel)

the bite of the weather snuck on me as i stepped out the door

cutting throught the grass of memorial glade, the grass tickled my feet & the dewdrops made my toes cringe

i looked up at the glow of the beautiful library

i saw a cat like figure of a shadow in the distance

i squinted

i saw its little black mask drawn about it's eyes & realized it was a raccoon staring straight at me

i smiled & thought "aww" inside my mind...i looked around to share the little moment with someone & saw some girl on her cell phone that was deep in loud conversation

the raccoon ducked into the bushes & i saw his furry back til i walked off

i was still smiling in my mind as i stored the memory in my mind..

he looked so cuddly

throngs of ppl smoking outside the library for a break from studying perhaps

next to vlsb i heard the cal band percussion playing away...

i saw them in a circle around the lamppost

i passed the place i buried beethoven

i looked to see how he was

there was no sign of his being there

i thought about how at least he had beats to listen to

i wondered how i would toot berkeley's horn in our food network video

thoughts of football games to the cal band playing to the campanile at night crossed my mind

then i began thinking about how women mature faster than men & i thought it'd be better if it was switched & younger men would have to date older women..how odd that would be...

& then i sorta felt a bit bad for saying all guys were the same

i saw this girl that was of an average look & size w/ tight jeans in front of me

w/ guys stood there talking
as she crossed the street, one of them said "if you pulled those pants down her ass would just fall out" the other guys chuckled...

thoughts reaffirmed

while passing the motorcycle parking in front of the gym a guy w/ a red helmet was warming up his bike...i closed my eyes as i smelled the smoke from the exhaust...

waited a long time to cross the street cuz none of the cars saw me

rushed up the stairs of my apt

& opened the door

home

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:56 PM PST
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Friday, 29 October 2004
surrealism
Mood:  not sure
chanda & i walked casually into legal studies. we were early because we had a midterm that day. she knelt down a bit to pick up a daily cal that was on the floor of the row in which we always sat. she opened it up. i glanced over.

i saw her picture

i saw the name under her picture

i furrowed my brow

i was confused

i heard chanda say "oh how sad" & point to the title of the article

i saw the word "motorcycle"

i told myself...oh maybe she got hurt

then i saw the word "dies"

& it was like a double take

i said "WHAT?" outloud

& seriously a couple of minutes later it finally registered in my brain..i just kept staring at the picture...

katherine lew

i had met her in january when i started working at campus market...she was the first real friend i met at work...when i found out she loved motorcycles i got super excited...& i secretly envied her...i think we quickly grew fond of each other cuz we exchanged info & talked online & complained together...

i know we had our moments when we were annoyed w/ each other but in the end it didn't matter...

the last time i saw her i was working at zee zee & she was making a copy & we were catching up...

it was weird because i was thinking about her recently...

about things she said...& i saw her phone number in my cell phone & i was wondering what happened to her...

i remember when i told her i secretly liked motorcycles she said looking at me doubtfully "it takes a certain kind of person...the kind of person that is ready to die at any moment"

she was always sort of doubtful of my interest as if it was her special power that others could not possess...& it's ironic that it is just that power that takes her from us now...

in reality i just don't know many ppl at berk...& i even more rarely call them my friends...so this is strange...or not really but i can't even describe it...

i just don't understand how they don't know how she died...

i'm still in a state of shock & confusion...

i just remember all chanda said after we read the article together with an insecure waver in her voice "connie, you are never riding a motorcycle"




r.i.p.
katherine lew
october 7, 2004

the article

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 2:25 AM PDT
Updated: Saturday, 30 October 2004 7:15 PM PDT
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Tuesday, 26 October 2004
essense of a memory captured in my mind
Mood:  smelly
some guy was wearing an excess of cologne on the bus today...

i sat in the back & it hit me suddenly

i subconsciously closed my eyes & breathed it in

my mouth slowly curled into a smile...

there's always been something about cologne to me...

it captures the essence of a man into a bottle...only the good things...

it is sprayed on & sent on it's way through the air to entice the senses of a potential mate...

the girl looks around with a gleam of wonder in her eye...she looks for the person from whom the smells are emitted & she smiles if not on her face, inside her mind...

as i sat on the bus, i thought of all the things cologne reminded me of...& then of all the memories in my mind that were smell-induced...& then of all the memories that were senses-induced in general...

cologne...

it reminded me of ken...
he had so many but for some reason every one seemed to jumble into one in my mind & they all reminded me of him...if you asked me to describe the smell i couldn't...i don't even remember the names...but the second i smelled it i'd just know..i think i've only smelt it twice since we're been apart...
i remember that on our first official date to bubba gump's he let me keep his sweater (his typical banana republic sweater) so i could sleep with it at night...it had his smell...his personal smell mixed with the cologne..it brought me so much comfort..it'd hug it like a teddy bear each night...then he gave me a bear that he dosed in his cologne that slowly replaced the sweater in my bed...i remember the last time i took out that bear he still had ken's smell even though it had been 6 months..i remember closing it quickly to make sure the smell would never leave the bear...but i'm sure it did...i was so sentimental in that way...

then i remember when i dated around & everyone had their own smell...whether it be their body or their cologne but two moments that stand out in my mind are when harm & i were going on our first date...he was driving us to the rose garden & i smiled because his car smelled like cologne..i teased him & said did you put on cologne for me? & he said what? you can smell it? sorry! i only put on a little bit! & i said no no it smells good. i like it...& the other...when yoshi was over & i could smell his shampoo..it was a distinct but not bad smelling...i remember the next day in math class i was thinking about the smell...& how for a moment i thought i smelt it again...

for dom...i remembered the familiar smells of his house...i remembered the ease it brought me..& how the same smell now brings me discomfort because it was once so comforting....i remember when he left his blanket here to curl up in when i was cold..it smelt like him...

i remember this elementary school friend who actually goes to berk now so i will not mention the name of since we are no longer friends...i used to go to her house all the time...& i was so bothered by her families' personal smell...it's funny because i think most of my close friends have distinct smells but they are not dissonant to my own...they blend well together...perhaps it's something our bodies emit to attract people of similar personalities or inherent traits...

i remember how in freshmen year i really got addicted to incense...maybe it was the pyromaniac in me...but in a way it was the relaxation the smells brought me...it calmed me & cleared my mind of all things bad....& filled them w/ a fresh floral scent...:P

all my memories are almost as if i were still there...it's very strange...i can see things down to the detail & i can feel things i touched...

my best example of that though i've talked about it before is valentine's day of freshman year...the last time ken & i saw each other...i didn't know it was the last time so it's strange that i recall so clearly...i remember my hands under his jacket one hand around him in a hug & the other on the front of his body...with that hand i touched his sweater..the woven makeup of it i can still feel...i could smell him as my cheek leaned against him next to my hand...i closed my eyes & smiled & he hugged me back...

it's weird cuz i've had a similar conversation with both erick & chanda semi-recently...

we talked about how we couldn't imagine not having one of our senses which resulted in our listing the senses which led to our deciding that taste was the lamest sense...

both chanda & i said...if god were to ask us what sense he could take from us we'd say just take taste....but let's hope we never get into that situation in the first place...

& i remember in erick's conversation i said after we listed all five senses..are there ppl without the sense of touch & he mocked me as he said "if you didn't have touch you'd walk around & suddenly ask yourself 'do i have pants on today?' look down & think 'oh yea i do'"...to which i of course answered "shuddup"...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:07 AM PDT
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Saturday, 23 October 2004
ickiness
Mood:  down
i tried to go out...
& all i got out of it was deafness & annoyance...
i went w/ blake's w/ chanda & her yogurt park coworkers & their friends...
i'm not sure why but i felt completely out of place..
it was alright when i first met them
but at blake's...it just worsened because you couldn't really talk..you could just dance to the music & what not...

i suck at dancing...& i think the only time i would ever feel comfortable enough dancing was if i was with only my close friends...

some of them had alcohol & got all into it..& i guess i was just never that type...

it was almost lame that i stood there...analyzing why i felt so crappy standing there...the music was great...i could really get lost into it...but i wasn't someone to start shaking my ass to it...

i didn't know if it was because i was w/ a bunch of stranger that made me feel bleh or if it was cuz i absolutely hated the impersonal interaction it was...you went w/ a bunch of friends & everytime you needed to talk it had to be done by yelling...it was like going w/ a bunch of friends to the movies...it allowed for little opening up & all about being out there..."having fun"

i guess it's my own personal preference...memories to me are formed thru interaction...i guess i went thru this already when i talked about ppl drinking & getting high together..it jsut wasn't my definiteion of fun..in fact it was the way out of a true connection...

anyways...i felt like the ppl there were not trying to be especially friendly in anyway..not that i was expecting them to jump on me...but it's just when they'd talk i'd be right outside the circle & what not...

on the walk home i decided to compare myself to a book on the shelf...i was that drab colored book that seemed to always be in the corner...if you even picked it up to look at the cover & back cover summary you'd be intrigued & of course like all books i opened but the moment i sensed your intrigued i'd fall open naturally into your hands & you'd smile & begin reading...you'd realize there was more to it than just the story you thought it'd be...it was deeper...it was thoughful...

i remember when i was going thru a tough time a few years back (i know this sounds horrible but i've grown wise since hopefully) i told my mentor-like friend that i would never end my life because i wanted to see how the story of connie lynn chen would end...

i told my lab members the other day that i feel like i would die in a freak accident...not of old age...i don't know why...i just had this feeling...they both said they wanted to die early...the didn't want to get old & not be able to do things themselves & need ppl to help them to live...
typical of a guy i suppose...very proud..too proud to have others see their weakness...but in a way it was brave too...to not fear death...

the thing is...i myself do not fear death...i just fear death for all things around me...i fear they will leave me...selfish i know...but the very thought of it scares me...i remember when dom would talk of suicide...every time it would bring me to tears..& trust me...i don't cry often & i've never cried in a movie...

i've been feeling very very weak..physically & emotionally..anything will break me...almost annoy me...& when i walk around i feel so lethargic...& tired...& out of it...just not good...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:05 AM PDT
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Thursday, 21 October 2004
it feels unreal...
Mood:  blue
chris & i buried him by the creek on campus

i wanted to say a few words but i didn't know what so we left in silence

ironically ont he bus today, i thought to myself "i'm so proud..i haven't cried over anything in a long time"...the pain people inflicted on me affected me no longer...i spoke too soon

i knew i was someone that would not be able to deal with death...this is secretly why i never got a pet even though i love all living things...& i repeat that..living...

it was instantaneous tears when i realized what was happening..

i had played with him in the morning when i was supposed to be doing my statics homework...he was so spazzy...so adorable...i put him back in the cage & he continued to run & play on the wheel...when i came home from school he was in his fluff corner but i didn't want to bother him cuz he usually slept til night time...so i left at 8 to meet our friend's family friend because we were babysitting for them this weekend & i went to chanda & audrey's apt afterwards & we watched tv together i came home & i expected beethoven to be running around cuz these were his awake hours but he was still huddled in the same spot...my heart grew scared...but i put the idea out of my mind...i called his name & knocked on his cage & even opened the door expecting him to run to me like he always did...but he didn't...he just lay there...motionless...i was scared to touch him for fear of affirmation of the worst...i called chanda first & no offense but she was useless then i called dom expecting him to rush here like he did for fucking phuong bitch...i wanted him to do something...anything...i was so scared i was just huddled in the corner of the kitchen crying hysterically...my mind was a muddle & i couldn't think..dom told me to pick him up & warm him...i saw his little legs & i couldn't do it...i just couldn't i did not want to know he was really dead...i just cried harder because i felt so useless..dom couldn't understand what i was mumbling about & he told me to calm down & speak normally...i got so mad...i expected him to just understand what i was saying...wasn't he supposed to....i said i wanted to get off the phone & i called chris...i needed someone...a close friend...& thank you for being there chris...(please don't take this as oh so i was the third person you called...it was more like i expected chanda to do something because she's had so many pets...& i expected dom to take fucking responsibility because it was also his pet) chris came & took beethoven in his hand & tried to warm him...i didn't want to watch so i stayed int he bedroom at first..but chris was so calm...i eventually walked closer to watch...in my head i was really expecting him to start moving his leg & see his eyes slowly open like a newborn....but it never happened...

& it's very strange...i see memories with beethoven like a movie reel in my head...as i do with all those that i care about...i can feel his furriness on my lips as i kissed him...i remember when i used to give him yummy treats...i can see his expression when i poked him cuz i thought he was eating something he wasn't sup'd to & he dropped his bean & then peed on my desk...his teeth marks are still on my eraser...i remember when i saw him at the pet store..it was dom's bday & he bought him & then gave him to me...we watched as he stood out in the crowd..he played the wheel as if it was some instrument...& i loved him more then he'd probably ever understand...

dom said when he first saw him in my apt...he is a very happy hamster...i think he is the only hamster that did not bite people ever..even strangers...he would just run around being all curious & look at you with adorable wide eyes...

i love you beethoven
i will miss you
you will always be in my heart & on my mind
may you rest in peace in the shade of the big pine tree...




r.i.p beethoven
my munchkin
my pokeys
my fluffball
my spazzy furball
"my lover"
October 20, 2004

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:54 AM PDT
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