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C is for...candor
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Monday, 8 November 2004
a typical walk home
Now Playing: keane-somewhere only we know
walking home from office hours at about 8pm...

from diagonally across campus (betchel)

the bite of the weather snuck on me as i stepped out the door

cutting throught the grass of memorial glade, the grass tickled my feet & the dewdrops made my toes cringe

i looked up at the glow of the beautiful library

i saw a cat like figure of a shadow in the distance

i squinted

i saw its little black mask drawn about it's eyes & realized it was a raccoon staring straight at me

i smiled & thought "aww" inside my mind...i looked around to share the little moment with someone & saw some girl on her cell phone that was deep in loud conversation

the raccoon ducked into the bushes & i saw his furry back til i walked off

i was still smiling in my mind as i stored the memory in my mind..

he looked so cuddly

throngs of ppl smoking outside the library for a break from studying perhaps

next to vlsb i heard the cal band percussion playing away...

i saw them in a circle around the lamppost

i passed the place i buried beethoven

i looked to see how he was

there was no sign of his being there

i thought about how at least he had beats to listen to

i wondered how i would toot berkeley's horn in our food network video

thoughts of football games to the cal band playing to the campanile at night crossed my mind

then i began thinking about how women mature faster than men & i thought it'd be better if it was switched & younger men would have to date older women..how odd that would be...

& then i sorta felt a bit bad for saying all guys were the same

i saw this girl that was of an average look & size w/ tight jeans in front of me

w/ guys stood there talking
as she crossed the street, one of them said "if you pulled those pants down her ass would just fall out" the other guys chuckled...

thoughts reaffirmed

while passing the motorcycle parking in front of the gym a guy w/ a red helmet was warming up his bike...i closed my eyes as i smelled the smoke from the exhaust...

waited a long time to cross the street cuz none of the cars saw me

rushed up the stairs of my apt

& opened the door

home

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:56 PM PST
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Friday, 29 October 2004
surrealism
Mood:  not sure
chanda & i walked casually into legal studies. we were early because we had a midterm that day. she knelt down a bit to pick up a daily cal that was on the floor of the row in which we always sat. she opened it up. i glanced over.

i saw her picture

i saw the name under her picture

i furrowed my brow

i was confused

i heard chanda say "oh how sad" & point to the title of the article

i saw the word "motorcycle"

i told myself...oh maybe she got hurt

then i saw the word "dies"

& it was like a double take

i said "WHAT?" outloud

& seriously a couple of minutes later it finally registered in my brain..i just kept staring at the picture...

katherine lew

i had met her in january when i started working at campus market...she was the first real friend i met at work...when i found out she loved motorcycles i got super excited...& i secretly envied her...i think we quickly grew fond of each other cuz we exchanged info & talked online & complained together...

i know we had our moments when we were annoyed w/ each other but in the end it didn't matter...

the last time i saw her i was working at zee zee & she was making a copy & we were catching up...

it was weird because i was thinking about her recently...

about things she said...& i saw her phone number in my cell phone & i was wondering what happened to her...

i remember when i told her i secretly liked motorcycles she said looking at me doubtfully "it takes a certain kind of person...the kind of person that is ready to die at any moment"

she was always sort of doubtful of my interest as if it was her special power that others could not possess...& it's ironic that it is just that power that takes her from us now...

in reality i just don't know many ppl at berk...& i even more rarely call them my friends...so this is strange...or not really but i can't even describe it...

i just don't understand how they don't know how she died...

i'm still in a state of shock & confusion...

i just remember all chanda said after we read the article together with an insecure waver in her voice "connie, you are never riding a motorcycle"




r.i.p.
katherine lew
october 7, 2004

the article

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 2:25 AM PDT
Updated: Saturday, 30 October 2004 7:15 PM PDT
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Tuesday, 26 October 2004
essense of a memory captured in my mind
Mood:  smelly
some guy was wearing an excess of cologne on the bus today...

i sat in the back & it hit me suddenly

i subconsciously closed my eyes & breathed it in

my mouth slowly curled into a smile...

there's always been something about cologne to me...

it captures the essence of a man into a bottle...only the good things...

it is sprayed on & sent on it's way through the air to entice the senses of a potential mate...

the girl looks around with a gleam of wonder in her eye...she looks for the person from whom the smells are emitted & she smiles if not on her face, inside her mind...

as i sat on the bus, i thought of all the things cologne reminded me of...& then of all the memories in my mind that were smell-induced...& then of all the memories that were senses-induced in general...

cologne...

it reminded me of ken...
he had so many but for some reason every one seemed to jumble into one in my mind & they all reminded me of him...if you asked me to describe the smell i couldn't...i don't even remember the names...but the second i smelled it i'd just know..i think i've only smelt it twice since we're been apart...
i remember that on our first official date to bubba gump's he let me keep his sweater (his typical banana republic sweater) so i could sleep with it at night...it had his smell...his personal smell mixed with the cologne..it brought me so much comfort..it'd hug it like a teddy bear each night...then he gave me a bear that he dosed in his cologne that slowly replaced the sweater in my bed...i remember the last time i took out that bear he still had ken's smell even though it had been 6 months..i remember closing it quickly to make sure the smell would never leave the bear...but i'm sure it did...i was so sentimental in that way...

then i remember when i dated around & everyone had their own smell...whether it be their body or their cologne but two moments that stand out in my mind are when harm & i were going on our first date...he was driving us to the rose garden & i smiled because his car smelled like cologne..i teased him & said did you put on cologne for me? & he said what? you can smell it? sorry! i only put on a little bit! & i said no no it smells good. i like it...& the other...when yoshi was over & i could smell his shampoo..it was a distinct but not bad smelling...i remember the next day in math class i was thinking about the smell...& how for a moment i thought i smelt it again...

for dom...i remembered the familiar smells of his house...i remembered the ease it brought me..& how the same smell now brings me discomfort because it was once so comforting....i remember when he left his blanket here to curl up in when i was cold..it smelt like him...

i remember this elementary school friend who actually goes to berk now so i will not mention the name of since we are no longer friends...i used to go to her house all the time...& i was so bothered by her families' personal smell...it's funny because i think most of my close friends have distinct smells but they are not dissonant to my own...they blend well together...perhaps it's something our bodies emit to attract people of similar personalities or inherent traits...

i remember how in freshmen year i really got addicted to incense...maybe it was the pyromaniac in me...but in a way it was the relaxation the smells brought me...it calmed me & cleared my mind of all things bad....& filled them w/ a fresh floral scent...:P

all my memories are almost as if i were still there...it's very strange...i can see things down to the detail & i can feel things i touched...

my best example of that though i've talked about it before is valentine's day of freshman year...the last time ken & i saw each other...i didn't know it was the last time so it's strange that i recall so clearly...i remember my hands under his jacket one hand around him in a hug & the other on the front of his body...with that hand i touched his sweater..the woven makeup of it i can still feel...i could smell him as my cheek leaned against him next to my hand...i closed my eyes & smiled & he hugged me back...

it's weird cuz i've had a similar conversation with both erick & chanda semi-recently...

we talked about how we couldn't imagine not having one of our senses which resulted in our listing the senses which led to our deciding that taste was the lamest sense...

both chanda & i said...if god were to ask us what sense he could take from us we'd say just take taste....but let's hope we never get into that situation in the first place...

& i remember in erick's conversation i said after we listed all five senses..are there ppl without the sense of touch & he mocked me as he said "if you didn't have touch you'd walk around & suddenly ask yourself 'do i have pants on today?' look down & think 'oh yea i do'"...to which i of course answered "shuddup"...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:07 AM PDT
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Saturday, 23 October 2004
ickiness
Mood:  down
i tried to go out...
& all i got out of it was deafness & annoyance...
i went w/ blake's w/ chanda & her yogurt park coworkers & their friends...
i'm not sure why but i felt completely out of place..
it was alright when i first met them
but at blake's...it just worsened because you couldn't really talk..you could just dance to the music & what not...

i suck at dancing...& i think the only time i would ever feel comfortable enough dancing was if i was with only my close friends...

some of them had alcohol & got all into it..& i guess i was just never that type...

it was almost lame that i stood there...analyzing why i felt so crappy standing there...the music was great...i could really get lost into it...but i wasn't someone to start shaking my ass to it...

i didn't know if it was because i was w/ a bunch of stranger that made me feel bleh or if it was cuz i absolutely hated the impersonal interaction it was...you went w/ a bunch of friends & everytime you needed to talk it had to be done by yelling...it was like going w/ a bunch of friends to the movies...it allowed for little opening up & all about being out there..."having fun"

i guess it's my own personal preference...memories to me are formed thru interaction...i guess i went thru this already when i talked about ppl drinking & getting high together..it jsut wasn't my definiteion of fun..in fact it was the way out of a true connection...

anyways...i felt like the ppl there were not trying to be especially friendly in anyway..not that i was expecting them to jump on me...but it's just when they'd talk i'd be right outside the circle & what not...

on the walk home i decided to compare myself to a book on the shelf...i was that drab colored book that seemed to always be in the corner...if you even picked it up to look at the cover & back cover summary you'd be intrigued & of course like all books i opened but the moment i sensed your intrigued i'd fall open naturally into your hands & you'd smile & begin reading...you'd realize there was more to it than just the story you thought it'd be...it was deeper...it was thoughful...

i remember when i was going thru a tough time a few years back (i know this sounds horrible but i've grown wise since hopefully) i told my mentor-like friend that i would never end my life because i wanted to see how the story of connie lynn chen would end...

i told my lab members the other day that i feel like i would die in a freak accident...not of old age...i don't know why...i just had this feeling...they both said they wanted to die early...the didn't want to get old & not be able to do things themselves & need ppl to help them to live...
typical of a guy i suppose...very proud..too proud to have others see their weakness...but in a way it was brave too...to not fear death...

the thing is...i myself do not fear death...i just fear death for all things around me...i fear they will leave me...selfish i know...but the very thought of it scares me...i remember when dom would talk of suicide...every time it would bring me to tears..& trust me...i don't cry often & i've never cried in a movie...

i've been feeling very very weak..physically & emotionally..anything will break me...almost annoy me...& when i walk around i feel so lethargic...& tired...& out of it...just not good...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:05 AM PDT
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Thursday, 21 October 2004
it feels unreal...
Mood:  blue
chris & i buried him by the creek on campus

i wanted to say a few words but i didn't know what so we left in silence

ironically ont he bus today, i thought to myself "i'm so proud..i haven't cried over anything in a long time"...the pain people inflicted on me affected me no longer...i spoke too soon

i knew i was someone that would not be able to deal with death...this is secretly why i never got a pet even though i love all living things...& i repeat that..living...

it was instantaneous tears when i realized what was happening..

i had played with him in the morning when i was supposed to be doing my statics homework...he was so spazzy...so adorable...i put him back in the cage & he continued to run & play on the wheel...when i came home from school he was in his fluff corner but i didn't want to bother him cuz he usually slept til night time...so i left at 8 to meet our friend's family friend because we were babysitting for them this weekend & i went to chanda & audrey's apt afterwards & we watched tv together i came home & i expected beethoven to be running around cuz these were his awake hours but he was still huddled in the same spot...my heart grew scared...but i put the idea out of my mind...i called his name & knocked on his cage & even opened the door expecting him to run to me like he always did...but he didn't...he just lay there...motionless...i was scared to touch him for fear of affirmation of the worst...i called chanda first & no offense but she was useless then i called dom expecting him to rush here like he did for fucking phuong bitch...i wanted him to do something...anything...i was so scared i was just huddled in the corner of the kitchen crying hysterically...my mind was a muddle & i couldn't think..dom told me to pick him up & warm him...i saw his little legs & i couldn't do it...i just couldn't i did not want to know he was really dead...i just cried harder because i felt so useless..dom couldn't understand what i was mumbling about & he told me to calm down & speak normally...i got so mad...i expected him to just understand what i was saying...wasn't he supposed to....i said i wanted to get off the phone & i called chris...i needed someone...a close friend...& thank you for being there chris...(please don't take this as oh so i was the third person you called...it was more like i expected chanda to do something because she's had so many pets...& i expected dom to take fucking responsibility because it was also his pet) chris came & took beethoven in his hand & tried to warm him...i didn't want to watch so i stayed int he bedroom at first..but chris was so calm...i eventually walked closer to watch...in my head i was really expecting him to start moving his leg & see his eyes slowly open like a newborn....but it never happened...

& it's very strange...i see memories with beethoven like a movie reel in my head...as i do with all those that i care about...i can feel his furriness on my lips as i kissed him...i remember when i used to give him yummy treats...i can see his expression when i poked him cuz i thought he was eating something he wasn't sup'd to & he dropped his bean & then peed on my desk...his teeth marks are still on my eraser...i remember when i saw him at the pet store..it was dom's bday & he bought him & then gave him to me...we watched as he stood out in the crowd..he played the wheel as if it was some instrument...& i loved him more then he'd probably ever understand...

dom said when he first saw him in my apt...he is a very happy hamster...i think he is the only hamster that did not bite people ever..even strangers...he would just run around being all curious & look at you with adorable wide eyes...

i love you beethoven
i will miss you
you will always be in my heart & on my mind
may you rest in peace in the shade of the big pine tree...




r.i.p beethoven
my munchkin
my pokeys
my fluffball
my spazzy furball
"my lover"
October 20, 2004

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:54 AM PDT
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Saturday, 9 October 2004
lab stories...
Mood:  silly
i should just record all the things that happen when we're in lab...we have to be the loudest most obnoxious group in the room...gawd the conversations we have while surviving on little sleep & desperately trying to figure out code or debugging....

from going into long conversations about how cool it'd be to have a chair attached to your butt at all times & rolling around campus on it...racing down the hills and all...to our emails to the prof & how he ignores the fact sometimes that we're as weird as we are...
(aka the professor totally ignoring that chris wrote:
because we have been in the lab for a while now, and quite frankly are verging on some sort of hyperactive, clausterphobic "Etcheverry-an" delerium.

patiently,
Group 2.

to end one of the emails (etcheverry being the engineering building where our lab is & the room is underground)) to our randomly embedding things in our coding comments like "our motto: we have fun, even though we suck" to our robot whose only purpose was to avoid obstacles (very luckily for us) decided to travel against the wall the whole time & basically avoided all obstacles by not bumping into any at all...& thus making the best time...

gawd i realize how nerdy this entry is...

but although i stress & stress & hate on ieor 140 i'm super glad i took it...even though lab is horrible at least i have an entertaining group...& we've gotten to be pretty good friends...

plus! we got our ph.Ds in only a matter of seconds:







erick & i asked chris: "is ph.Ds even a word?" & he said: "yea! i spellchecked it!"
hahahah....wow now that's ph.D material

& we almost know for a fact that the cleaning guy hates us...(erick & i sorta raced down the halls to go to the soda machine..him on his rolly chair & me on feet & the guy got mad at him saying something to the effect of the grounds were made for those wheels) we always sorta eyes me as i walk by...w/ a "i'm watching you" feel...

our robot was tommy tracer (erick even drew him on the board) but then became robbie the robot (erick & i secretly called him crazy chris) & now he's just "that guy"..there's no doubt that we've always refered to him as a him though...he's our little baby...


anywoo...you have to know that i have a midterm coming up or else i wouldn't be writing on my blog...:P boo...back to the books

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:25 PM PDT
Updated: Saturday, 9 October 2004 5:42 PM PDT
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Sunday, 3 October 2004
severity
you know...it's so amusing to me sometimes how something means so much now that didn't mean a thing a few years ago...

what i mean is...

there's this huge deal associated with blocking a buddy & more recently erasing a friend from friendster/myspace/etc...

yesterday this guy & i totally pissed each other off...& just didn't really feel like dealing so i blocked him after the convo & this morning i checked my email & it led me to my myspace profile & i realized i had one less friend..& he had deleted me...i just smiled...not cuz i was being mean..but just cuz...it was as if that was my punishment...& it was always a severe thing to delete someone as your friend....it sorta amused me...i thought it was funny...

& i remember when i stopped going online for finals last semester & i didn't realize it but ben had blocked me on his buddy list to "punish" me cuz we had some fight..the sad thing is i wasn't even online so i didn't even know but he told me later...& i sorta laughed..cuz it was so lame & sorta childish & so unrealistic..you can't just delete someone in real life..it was like i don't want to deal with you so i'll delete/ignore you...

well i've always found this amusing..but it was just more obvious to me today cuz it was as if his rebuttal to my blocking was a delete...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:12 AM PDT
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interaction
Mood:  down
if i never had to interact with people...

i think i'd be happier & better off emotionally & physically...

& don't you even spring that i'm stereotypically a engineer aka antisocial shit on me...

most ppl will just never understand me...

& the real reason why i'd prefer not interacting with people is because the majority of ppl suck ass at doing it...no tact...no sensitivity to a situation...they take their bad mood on others...etc etc etc...

so full of crap...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:43 AM PDT
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Saturday, 25 September 2004
horoscope
Mood:  lazy
so di was saying omg it's birthday season! i have so many friends that have birthdays in oct & nov & i realized same w/ me...that is where the majority of my friends had birthdays...& then i got to thinking whether i was drawn to those ppl as friends because of their horoscopes...

i went to look it up & none of my friends fit that description..but i always like to look at mine cuz everyone is always a little bit different but they're always right...i'm such a pisces...

Pisces people can be secretive and seductive. Your planet is Neptune; it is illusion; can be deceptive, but is real enough. The women under this sign can lift their eyebrows and cause hearts to palpitate. (HAHAHAHHA...riiight...)The men are funny and secretive. You have a need to know beyond the immediate and delve into the unknown. You are a Water sign; emotional, intuitive, sensitive; capable of capturing, understanding moods of others. You can be quiet while a storm rages inside. You never tell all you know and secrets are second nature. Your emotions often dominate logic. You breathe romance and highlight intrigue. Your apparently mild manner is a way of holding back and analyzing behind the scenes. You can deceive and be deceived. You stand strong in the face of adversity, but maintain a sense of gentleness. You are charming and sexy, but give the illusion of being aloof and unworldly. Very few see you as you are; you are not that fragile imitation the world believes in. You are sensitive, aware, "tuned- in," maybe psychic. Your emotions range wide; you can be elated or depressed, and very temperamental. You are artistic, musical, moody. Fantasy is a part of your everyday world. At times, you see people and situations as you wish they would be. You have to see them as they actually exist. You tend to attract those who would take advantage of you, but there are those who truly want to be with you out there. (hope so...) You positively match up with Capricorn, Taurus, Cancer, and Scorpio. You have problems with Sagittarius, Gemini, and Virgo. You are neutrally aspected with Aquarius, Aries, Leo, and Libra. With another Pisces, much creativitiy is brought out in the other. But practicality could be lacking.

& from another site:

Romantic Pisces, you are the twelfth and last sign of the zodiac. You are regarded as the sign of sensitivity and receptivity, and are a true chameleon by being mutable and infinitely complex. Your keywords are communion and vision, and you have the capacity to go beyond this world to the one of dreams and the spirit.

Your ruler Neptune, the planet of confusion and chaos, gets people out of habits that imprison them so that they question themselves and can discover another path toward growth and spirituality. Neptune is also the planet of imagination and illusion, and governs the dream world with all its many facets.

Pisces is the third of the three water signs, which means that you are concerned with the realm of emotion and feeling. You deal with sensitivity, intuition, and deeper psychic aspects of life. You are able to conduct unconscious telepathic communication with others.

Your sign rules the twelfth house of the chart, the sector associated with the unconscious, need for seclusion, and places of restriction. This house describes the wellspring of your being, including psychological problems that you repress. This house is very healing and can promote personal and spiritual growth, once you make the effort to go deeper and face YOUR reality.

Pisces is a mutable sign. You adapt to the exigencies of life and ingeniously melt into circumstances like a chameleon. In your interaction with others, you are personable and compassionate, and successfully connect on a deep emotional level.

Your strengths, dear Pisces, lie in your altruistic and empathetic nature, because you feel the urge to help people less fortunate than you. Your sensitivity and intuition make you a true healer. Your strong imagination and highly evolved creativity predispose you to artistic expression.

Your main weaknesses are that you can be weak-willed, passive, and indecisive. Many times, you prefer to escape reality and indulge in your dreamworld. Chaos and confusion can be present in you, which may frustrate your circle of friends. At the same time, you can be oversensitive and fragile, feeling victimized by others.

(both strengths & weaknesses are so true..ahh!)
& yes i sorta realize this is very contradictory to my stereotype entry...but at the same time..most pisces don't fit their description...& it's not totally me to a tee...so yea

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:11 PM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 26 September 2004 11:49 PM PDT
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Thursday, 23 September 2004
oh..you're one of those....
Mood:  irritated
so i was talking to a typical guy who asked me "when was the last time you got laid" i simply responded with "that was super rude" & he responded with "no you're just a typical asian girl trying to be secretive"

i got incredibly annoyed...

i said "i am anything but typical"

he continued to say that i was short & flat & therefore a typical asian girl...

i curse jon for ever having made me join myspace (a friendster like site)...:T

i get nothing but fucking rude messages from annoying guys...

i ignore them all anyways...i should jsut remove my profile...

the point is...well...

1) the irony:
a typical sex-driven guy calling me a typical asian girl (one of his favorite reads is maxim...now THAT's classy....any guys that actually reads & believes maxim is a complete ass living in a barbie world...last i looked in that magazine i was left disgusted at the fact that women's mags left girls wanting to go anerexic while maxim taught how typical fatass guys could get hot model like girlfriends or find ways to tell your girlfriend to lose weight...cuz ALL guys are sooooo perfect)

2) my hatred of being called a typical asian girl:
i am far from those AAA & ABA girls...i'd like to think i venture out of my asian stereotype & i get along w/ people out of my race as well as in...(meaning no asian girl high pitched squealing throngs)...& i'd like to think i have a more well rounded agenda...& i definitely don't have a typical asian girl's body...
& since when are stereotypes of personality based on a person's physical appearance...give me a fucking break...ppl that think that way obviously are shallow & know nothing about how humans are in reality...they live in some demented dimension in which looks mean all...& ppl like that will obviously not succeed in anything they do...(& you call me on the fact i wrote my last few entries on my body...but remember...i only talk of that after my academics...i am actually very happy w/ the way my schoolwork is going right now minus a few stressful moments/deadlines & thus the complaining about my body)...so i was saying they will not succeed because they obviously do not look further in anyway & are incapable of focusing on things that are truly important in life....

3) my hatred of being called typical or "oh you're one of those...(fill in the blank)":
i'd like to think i'm unique....i'd like to think i have traits no one else does...& the thing is...i know i am...i have been confirmed of this by many a people...i am deeper than most know...deeper than most can grasp....i am not saying that people aren't deep...some aren't but those that are are deep in their own way...i have realized in recent years that i am incapable of understanding those that are just as deep as me but in their own way...as well as vice versa...i realize i sound like i'm tooting my own horn...but deep comes w/ its own responsibilities...ANYWAYS...the point is...the thought of being typical bothers the crap out of me..because i know i'm not...& the second someone tries to claim i am...i get angry...in a way that's what i have done all my life...i always tried to be different...not necessarily socially but academically & in my thought process...i have always tried to dream up things that don't exist...tried to invent things that would "make millions"....tried to make things for people that were special....it's not that i go out of my way to be different like some people i know...it just gives me adrenaline to do something different even if it's just a gift for someone...or brainstorming for my restaurant with chris...

the last time i was called "oh you're one of those types" i had to blow steam on here as well...i guess whenever i am told that...it is only confirmation that people will never truly understand me...& that people are quick to judge & separate everyone into poor stereotypes....& that the majority of people are incapable of thinking outside that box....

& on a randomish note...since when is it not rude to ask "when was the last time you got laid" puhlease people...wake up & smell "in good taste" you will never get anywhere with that mouth

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 6:37 PM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 23 September 2004 6:46 PM PDT
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