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C is for...candor
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Saturday, 23 October 2004
ickiness
Mood:  down
i tried to go out...
& all i got out of it was deafness & annoyance...
i went w/ blake's w/ chanda & her yogurt park coworkers & their friends...
i'm not sure why but i felt completely out of place..
it was alright when i first met them
but at blake's...it just worsened because you couldn't really talk..you could just dance to the music & what not...

i suck at dancing...& i think the only time i would ever feel comfortable enough dancing was if i was with only my close friends...

some of them had alcohol & got all into it..& i guess i was just never that type...

it was almost lame that i stood there...analyzing why i felt so crappy standing there...the music was great...i could really get lost into it...but i wasn't someone to start shaking my ass to it...

i didn't know if it was because i was w/ a bunch of stranger that made me feel bleh or if it was cuz i absolutely hated the impersonal interaction it was...you went w/ a bunch of friends & everytime you needed to talk it had to be done by yelling...it was like going w/ a bunch of friends to the movies...it allowed for little opening up & all about being out there..."having fun"

i guess it's my own personal preference...memories to me are formed thru interaction...i guess i went thru this already when i talked about ppl drinking & getting high together..it jsut wasn't my definiteion of fun..in fact it was the way out of a true connection...

anyways...i felt like the ppl there were not trying to be especially friendly in anyway..not that i was expecting them to jump on me...but it's just when they'd talk i'd be right outside the circle & what not...

on the walk home i decided to compare myself to a book on the shelf...i was that drab colored book that seemed to always be in the corner...if you even picked it up to look at the cover & back cover summary you'd be intrigued & of course like all books i opened but the moment i sensed your intrigued i'd fall open naturally into your hands & you'd smile & begin reading...you'd realize there was more to it than just the story you thought it'd be...it was deeper...it was thoughful...

i remember when i was going thru a tough time a few years back (i know this sounds horrible but i've grown wise since hopefully) i told my mentor-like friend that i would never end my life because i wanted to see how the story of connie lynn chen would end...

i told my lab members the other day that i feel like i would die in a freak accident...not of old age...i don't know why...i just had this feeling...they both said they wanted to die early...the didn't want to get old & not be able to do things themselves & need ppl to help them to live...
typical of a guy i suppose...very proud..too proud to have others see their weakness...but in a way it was brave too...to not fear death...

the thing is...i myself do not fear death...i just fear death for all things around me...i fear they will leave me...selfish i know...but the very thought of it scares me...i remember when dom would talk of suicide...every time it would bring me to tears..& trust me...i don't cry often & i've never cried in a movie...

i've been feeling very very weak..physically & emotionally..anything will break me...almost annoy me...& when i walk around i feel so lethargic...& tired...& out of it...just not good...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:05 AM PDT
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Thursday, 21 October 2004
it feels unreal...
Mood:  blue
chris & i buried him by the creek on campus

i wanted to say a few words but i didn't know what so we left in silence

ironically ont he bus today, i thought to myself "i'm so proud..i haven't cried over anything in a long time"...the pain people inflicted on me affected me no longer...i spoke too soon

i knew i was someone that would not be able to deal with death...this is secretly why i never got a pet even though i love all living things...& i repeat that..living...

it was instantaneous tears when i realized what was happening..

i had played with him in the morning when i was supposed to be doing my statics homework...he was so spazzy...so adorable...i put him back in the cage & he continued to run & play on the wheel...when i came home from school he was in his fluff corner but i didn't want to bother him cuz he usually slept til night time...so i left at 8 to meet our friend's family friend because we were babysitting for them this weekend & i went to chanda & audrey's apt afterwards & we watched tv together i came home & i expected beethoven to be running around cuz these were his awake hours but he was still huddled in the same spot...my heart grew scared...but i put the idea out of my mind...i called his name & knocked on his cage & even opened the door expecting him to run to me like he always did...but he didn't...he just lay there...motionless...i was scared to touch him for fear of affirmation of the worst...i called chanda first & no offense but she was useless then i called dom expecting him to rush here like he did for fucking phuong bitch...i wanted him to do something...anything...i was so scared i was just huddled in the corner of the kitchen crying hysterically...my mind was a muddle & i couldn't think..dom told me to pick him up & warm him...i saw his little legs & i couldn't do it...i just couldn't i did not want to know he was really dead...i just cried harder because i felt so useless..dom couldn't understand what i was mumbling about & he told me to calm down & speak normally...i got so mad...i expected him to just understand what i was saying...wasn't he supposed to....i said i wanted to get off the phone & i called chris...i needed someone...a close friend...& thank you for being there chris...(please don't take this as oh so i was the third person you called...it was more like i expected chanda to do something because she's had so many pets...& i expected dom to take fucking responsibility because it was also his pet) chris came & took beethoven in his hand & tried to warm him...i didn't want to watch so i stayed int he bedroom at first..but chris was so calm...i eventually walked closer to watch...in my head i was really expecting him to start moving his leg & see his eyes slowly open like a newborn....but it never happened...

& it's very strange...i see memories with beethoven like a movie reel in my head...as i do with all those that i care about...i can feel his furriness on my lips as i kissed him...i remember when i used to give him yummy treats...i can see his expression when i poked him cuz i thought he was eating something he wasn't sup'd to & he dropped his bean & then peed on my desk...his teeth marks are still on my eraser...i remember when i saw him at the pet store..it was dom's bday & he bought him & then gave him to me...we watched as he stood out in the crowd..he played the wheel as if it was some instrument...& i loved him more then he'd probably ever understand...

dom said when he first saw him in my apt...he is a very happy hamster...i think he is the only hamster that did not bite people ever..even strangers...he would just run around being all curious & look at you with adorable wide eyes...

i love you beethoven
i will miss you
you will always be in my heart & on my mind
may you rest in peace in the shade of the big pine tree...




r.i.p beethoven
my munchkin
my pokeys
my fluffball
my spazzy furball
"my lover"
October 20, 2004

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:54 AM PDT
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Saturday, 9 October 2004
lab stories...
Mood:  silly
i should just record all the things that happen when we're in lab...we have to be the loudest most obnoxious group in the room...gawd the conversations we have while surviving on little sleep & desperately trying to figure out code or debugging....

from going into long conversations about how cool it'd be to have a chair attached to your butt at all times & rolling around campus on it...racing down the hills and all...to our emails to the prof & how he ignores the fact sometimes that we're as weird as we are...
(aka the professor totally ignoring that chris wrote:
because we have been in the lab for a while now, and quite frankly are verging on some sort of hyperactive, clausterphobic "Etcheverry-an" delerium.

patiently,
Group 2.

to end one of the emails (etcheverry being the engineering building where our lab is & the room is underground)) to our randomly embedding things in our coding comments like "our motto: we have fun, even though we suck" to our robot whose only purpose was to avoid obstacles (very luckily for us) decided to travel against the wall the whole time & basically avoided all obstacles by not bumping into any at all...& thus making the best time...

gawd i realize how nerdy this entry is...

but although i stress & stress & hate on ieor 140 i'm super glad i took it...even though lab is horrible at least i have an entertaining group...& we've gotten to be pretty good friends...

plus! we got our ph.Ds in only a matter of seconds:







erick & i asked chris: "is ph.Ds even a word?" & he said: "yea! i spellchecked it!"
hahahah....wow now that's ph.D material

& we almost know for a fact that the cleaning guy hates us...(erick & i sorta raced down the halls to go to the soda machine..him on his rolly chair & me on feet & the guy got mad at him saying something to the effect of the grounds were made for those wheels) we always sorta eyes me as i walk by...w/ a "i'm watching you" feel...

our robot was tommy tracer (erick even drew him on the board) but then became robbie the robot (erick & i secretly called him crazy chris) & now he's just "that guy"..there's no doubt that we've always refered to him as a him though...he's our little baby...


anywoo...you have to know that i have a midterm coming up or else i wouldn't be writing on my blog...:P boo...back to the books

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:25 PM PDT
Updated: Saturday, 9 October 2004 5:42 PM PDT
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Sunday, 3 October 2004
severity
you know...it's so amusing to me sometimes how something means so much now that didn't mean a thing a few years ago...

what i mean is...

there's this huge deal associated with blocking a buddy & more recently erasing a friend from friendster/myspace/etc...

yesterday this guy & i totally pissed each other off...& just didn't really feel like dealing so i blocked him after the convo & this morning i checked my email & it led me to my myspace profile & i realized i had one less friend..& he had deleted me...i just smiled...not cuz i was being mean..but just cuz...it was as if that was my punishment...& it was always a severe thing to delete someone as your friend....it sorta amused me...i thought it was funny...

& i remember when i stopped going online for finals last semester & i didn't realize it but ben had blocked me on his buddy list to "punish" me cuz we had some fight..the sad thing is i wasn't even online so i didn't even know but he told me later...& i sorta laughed..cuz it was so lame & sorta childish & so unrealistic..you can't just delete someone in real life..it was like i don't want to deal with you so i'll delete/ignore you...

well i've always found this amusing..but it was just more obvious to me today cuz it was as if his rebuttal to my blocking was a delete...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:12 AM PDT
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interaction
Mood:  down
if i never had to interact with people...

i think i'd be happier & better off emotionally & physically...

& don't you even spring that i'm stereotypically a engineer aka antisocial shit on me...

most ppl will just never understand me...

& the real reason why i'd prefer not interacting with people is because the majority of ppl suck ass at doing it...no tact...no sensitivity to a situation...they take their bad mood on others...etc etc etc...

so full of crap...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:43 AM PDT
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Saturday, 25 September 2004
horoscope
Mood:  lazy
so di was saying omg it's birthday season! i have so many friends that have birthdays in oct & nov & i realized same w/ me...that is where the majority of my friends had birthdays...& then i got to thinking whether i was drawn to those ppl as friends because of their horoscopes...

i went to look it up & none of my friends fit that description..but i always like to look at mine cuz everyone is always a little bit different but they're always right...i'm such a pisces...

Pisces people can be secretive and seductive. Your planet is Neptune; it is illusion; can be deceptive, but is real enough. The women under this sign can lift their eyebrows and cause hearts to palpitate. (HAHAHAHHA...riiight...)The men are funny and secretive. You have a need to know beyond the immediate and delve into the unknown. You are a Water sign; emotional, intuitive, sensitive; capable of capturing, understanding moods of others. You can be quiet while a storm rages inside. You never tell all you know and secrets are second nature. Your emotions often dominate logic. You breathe romance and highlight intrigue. Your apparently mild manner is a way of holding back and analyzing behind the scenes. You can deceive and be deceived. You stand strong in the face of adversity, but maintain a sense of gentleness. You are charming and sexy, but give the illusion of being aloof and unworldly. Very few see you as you are; you are not that fragile imitation the world believes in. You are sensitive, aware, "tuned- in," maybe psychic. Your emotions range wide; you can be elated or depressed, and very temperamental. You are artistic, musical, moody. Fantasy is a part of your everyday world. At times, you see people and situations as you wish they would be. You have to see them as they actually exist. You tend to attract those who would take advantage of you, but there are those who truly want to be with you out there. (hope so...) You positively match up with Capricorn, Taurus, Cancer, and Scorpio. You have problems with Sagittarius, Gemini, and Virgo. You are neutrally aspected with Aquarius, Aries, Leo, and Libra. With another Pisces, much creativitiy is brought out in the other. But practicality could be lacking.

& from another site:

Romantic Pisces, you are the twelfth and last sign of the zodiac. You are regarded as the sign of sensitivity and receptivity, and are a true chameleon by being mutable and infinitely complex. Your keywords are communion and vision, and you have the capacity to go beyond this world to the one of dreams and the spirit.

Your ruler Neptune, the planet of confusion and chaos, gets people out of habits that imprison them so that they question themselves and can discover another path toward growth and spirituality. Neptune is also the planet of imagination and illusion, and governs the dream world with all its many facets.

Pisces is the third of the three water signs, which means that you are concerned with the realm of emotion and feeling. You deal with sensitivity, intuition, and deeper psychic aspects of life. You are able to conduct unconscious telepathic communication with others.

Your sign rules the twelfth house of the chart, the sector associated with the unconscious, need for seclusion, and places of restriction. This house describes the wellspring of your being, including psychological problems that you repress. This house is very healing and can promote personal and spiritual growth, once you make the effort to go deeper and face YOUR reality.

Pisces is a mutable sign. You adapt to the exigencies of life and ingeniously melt into circumstances like a chameleon. In your interaction with others, you are personable and compassionate, and successfully connect on a deep emotional level.

Your strengths, dear Pisces, lie in your altruistic and empathetic nature, because you feel the urge to help people less fortunate than you. Your sensitivity and intuition make you a true healer. Your strong imagination and highly evolved creativity predispose you to artistic expression.

Your main weaknesses are that you can be weak-willed, passive, and indecisive. Many times, you prefer to escape reality and indulge in your dreamworld. Chaos and confusion can be present in you, which may frustrate your circle of friends. At the same time, you can be oversensitive and fragile, feeling victimized by others.

(both strengths & weaknesses are so true..ahh!)
& yes i sorta realize this is very contradictory to my stereotype entry...but at the same time..most pisces don't fit their description...& it's not totally me to a tee...so yea

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:11 PM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 26 September 2004 11:49 PM PDT
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Thursday, 23 September 2004
oh..you're one of those....
Mood:  irritated
so i was talking to a typical guy who asked me "when was the last time you got laid" i simply responded with "that was super rude" & he responded with "no you're just a typical asian girl trying to be secretive"

i got incredibly annoyed...

i said "i am anything but typical"

he continued to say that i was short & flat & therefore a typical asian girl...

i curse jon for ever having made me join myspace (a friendster like site)...:T

i get nothing but fucking rude messages from annoying guys...

i ignore them all anyways...i should jsut remove my profile...

the point is...well...

1) the irony:
a typical sex-driven guy calling me a typical asian girl (one of his favorite reads is maxim...now THAT's classy....any guys that actually reads & believes maxim is a complete ass living in a barbie world...last i looked in that magazine i was left disgusted at the fact that women's mags left girls wanting to go anerexic while maxim taught how typical fatass guys could get hot model like girlfriends or find ways to tell your girlfriend to lose weight...cuz ALL guys are sooooo perfect)

2) my hatred of being called a typical asian girl:
i am far from those AAA & ABA girls...i'd like to think i venture out of my asian stereotype & i get along w/ people out of my race as well as in...(meaning no asian girl high pitched squealing throngs)...& i'd like to think i have a more well rounded agenda...& i definitely don't have a typical asian girl's body...
& since when are stereotypes of personality based on a person's physical appearance...give me a fucking break...ppl that think that way obviously are shallow & know nothing about how humans are in reality...they live in some demented dimension in which looks mean all...& ppl like that will obviously not succeed in anything they do...(& you call me on the fact i wrote my last few entries on my body...but remember...i only talk of that after my academics...i am actually very happy w/ the way my schoolwork is going right now minus a few stressful moments/deadlines & thus the complaining about my body)...so i was saying they will not succeed because they obviously do not look further in anyway & are incapable of focusing on things that are truly important in life....

3) my hatred of being called typical or "oh you're one of those...(fill in the blank)":
i'd like to think i'm unique....i'd like to think i have traits no one else does...& the thing is...i know i am...i have been confirmed of this by many a people...i am deeper than most know...deeper than most can grasp....i am not saying that people aren't deep...some aren't but those that are are deep in their own way...i have realized in recent years that i am incapable of understanding those that are just as deep as me but in their own way...as well as vice versa...i realize i sound like i'm tooting my own horn...but deep comes w/ its own responsibilities...ANYWAYS...the point is...the thought of being typical bothers the crap out of me..because i know i'm not...& the second someone tries to claim i am...i get angry...in a way that's what i have done all my life...i always tried to be different...not necessarily socially but academically & in my thought process...i have always tried to dream up things that don't exist...tried to invent things that would "make millions"....tried to make things for people that were special....it's not that i go out of my way to be different like some people i know...it just gives me adrenaline to do something different even if it's just a gift for someone...or brainstorming for my restaurant with chris...

the last time i was called "oh you're one of those types" i had to blow steam on here as well...i guess whenever i am told that...it is only confirmation that people will never truly understand me...& that people are quick to judge & separate everyone into poor stereotypes....& that the majority of people are incapable of thinking outside that box....

& on a randomish note...since when is it not rude to ask "when was the last time you got laid" puhlease people...wake up & smell "in good taste" you will never get anywhere with that mouth

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 6:37 PM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 23 September 2004 6:46 PM PDT
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Saturday, 18 September 2004
yes more complaining...
Mood:  sad
so...my life is in order...

school is going well...

what do i have to be upset about...

i'm very much upset w/ myself...& my body...
i've seriously never felt so disgusting in my life...& although i try..nothing is happening...i've been eating healthier...doing yoga...weight lifting...& i think i realized that yoga although i supposedly lose calories during..it's not enough to change anything aobut my body..so now i think i need to do cardio..but i really don't ahve the time...every yoga class is like 1.5 hrs but the walking to & from & the showering & resting...it ends up being about 3 hrs where i can't do anything...& if i have to head to the gym i think i would die...i just don't have enough timein the day..every night even w/out the work now! i fall asleep pretty much the moment my head hits the pillow...i'm always so tired...

it's weird cuz my friend told me she has gotten obsessed w/ looking at other people's bodies when she's on campus...mainly girls...almost as if she's checking them out...wondering to herself if that girl is skinny cuz she doesnt' eat or cuz she works for it...& she said she wish she could stop being so obsessed & then it almsot hit me like lightning...i have been doing that all my life...& i never realized how abnormal it was....the only thing that stops me from being anerexic is my love of food....i have always stared at girls...oogling & wishing i was anything but the very thing i was...at least body wise...i was always told i was fat...i was ugly...i just couldn't compete....& that's why i get so mad at my mom sometimes...she doesn't realize how much she has scarred me...& she says...it's my own fault for misinterpretting her words & hurting myself...but that is completely bullshit..a girl should never be put down her whole life..a girl is sensitive enough...& it's another thing to hear it from your parent all your life...a person you always respect the opinion of...i know i've talked about this so much in past entries...but i know or a fact i will always compliment my child...i will never be the one that make him/her think less of himself/herself because of things i say...i want them to be confident...i want them to be happy w/ themselves...

last night i had a dream...i was riding a bike as if it was a motorcycle but it still had pedals...i swooped & curved around parked cars in the parking lot & some other guy was also riding his bike...i think it was in a church parking lot...he was some cute asian guy...so we just hung out together...& then there was some styrofoam building that basically was a whole street of houses inside...his house/room was the first one on the street...he said "you'll get jealous won't you" & i said "no" but made an evil-ish grin...& the whole time i kept looking at all the others girls outside...for some strange reason they were all not attractive...they had ok bodies...but yea...& then the guy said well i just wanted someone to do hw w/ (referring to me) but i saw his schedule & we didn't have classes together...& i was confused & he told me to fetch his slippers & i got so angry...& i said i barely know you & you're already ordering me about like everyone else does...& then i woke up...it was 12 something! i freaked out..i've never slept that late in forever & i had set my alarm too..so i have no idea what happened...

anyways..i'm really down everytime i think about how gross i look...i can't even explain it...

& dom is sup'd to call but i doubt he will...i wouldn't be surprised & personally i wouldn't care cuz i have other plans...

i'm going chanda's dinner: tableware shopping today...
i decided i'm gonna keep the things i buy tableware wise cuz it'll end up being expensive & i don't think she will realize or appreciate as much as i'd hope she would...plus it'd be useful to have nice plates for a nice formal dinner...i bought the wine glasses already...they're super pretty..the stems sort of look like they are the stems of flowers (but not that girly..they're just very classy)...they're made in like germany or something...

hmm shopping will make me feel better:P

ironically i miss my mommy...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:37 PM PDT
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Saturday, 11 September 2004
as the days go by...
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: Red Hot Chili Peppers-Tear
the last entry was my first truly angry one in a while....
i was just so frustrated...
i'm taking this class, ieor 140, it's robotics...
basically building robots & programming with java...
yes...it SEEMS fun...but i think the only reason it's not is because the prof doesn't really teach & every single class something is happening...whether it be a lab due or an assignment due or a quiz or reading to do before class...a lot of them overlap too...it's just frustrating beyond belief...we've already had two assignments, a lab, and a quiz...& we're still in the middle of a lab due thursday & an assignment due tuesday & a quiz thursday & reading to be done before class tuesday & i'd be ok if this was my only class...but it's not...& so i'm getting so overwhelmed especially because people that already know java are rewarded but it's not a pre-req & i definitely don't know java...

i don't think people are really getting how frustrating this class is...we HAVE to go into the lab to turn in our homework & we all don't have key cards because they take a week to activate & they didn't have any cards for the first week...

& get this...yesterday i got to the lab at around 12:30 to turn in my homework before 2 but because of technical difficulties i missed my 1pm class & i had lab for that class at 2 pm & then i ended up staying with my group doing the lab until 9:30 some...PM yes...that means over 9 hours....& remember we can't just leave & come back cuz we all don't have keys to the lab & you can't prop the door open or else it makes a horrendous high pitched sound...so all of us were hungry, tired & in LAB on a FRIDAY night....& we still didn't finish...

i was planning to relax friday night so i could study all weekend...to get away from exactly what was keeping me from relaxing that night...ugh...

ok...& TRUST me....our group is NOT stupid....i can't say i'm all that bright but my other members are very smart....& quick...BUT we're all java beginners...everything we've learned was from the java book (aka user manual-esque book)...

ok...so then..how the hell are we supposed to program a robot that uses light sensors to detect light intensity & from that information follow a black race track on a white background...smoothly...

having picked up the book a mere two weeks ago...

granted..we got it to do it after a bit but then how are we supposed to know how to alter & keep altering to make it smooth & fit it's specifications...gawd...

dude...& prove the scariness of this class...one group of 3 stepped into the lab that friday & just stepped out & told the professor they were all dropping because they couldn't handle it...

& i couldn't put it better than my friend...
in this category (for our major) there were two classes offered this semester...he said: i read the class descriptions & one said "databases" & one said "legos" & i thought to myself..what could possibly be bad about legos! but...now i know...

this is just a big huge complaint...i know...

but i have that right..it's my blog:P

minus this stressful class...thinga have been going pretty well...

i'm handling the other classes just fine...

& the last yoga class i had was the best i've ever had...i felt soo good after...& lemme remind you i like to complain about yoga:P...i started being able to do the full positions for ones i couldn't before...there's one where you are on your knees & your hands on your lower back & you lean back in a half circle shape & if you could lean far back enough you could rest your hands on your heels...i never really tried to put my hands on my heels just cuz it hurts your back a lot but then i did...so i was a full half circle...it made me feel good...
& this other position where one of your feet is on your thigh standing up & your hand is in the center holding balance...& if you're balanced enough you can lean forward so your fingers are touching the floor in front & you bring yourself to your standing leg's toes & balance in a basically like a one legged squat...

anyways..most of your have no idea what i'm talking about...haha...it's ok though...i'm reminding myself
:P



today is september 11th...the strangely as well as selfishly...i am not thinking about the world trade center....as of last year...9/11 has a different meaning to me...it's been a year since dom & me's more than friends relationship officially started...& i almost forgot...which is sort of nice...i remember after ken...every 23rd of each month i would remember...but...this is strange...i almost forgot about that too...& it just occurred to me it was oct. 23 but i had to try to remember...

i enjoy that...although i sound like a heartless creature...you have no idea what a big step that is for me...i hold onto things too tightly & when it's been taken from me it leaves me w/ scars on my hand & maybe even take a piece of me with it...

i love the very fact that i don't care...

it is the only thing keeping me from falling now...

i haven't really been sad in a while...at least not due to people...

i have been annoyed w/ people but that's fleeting...

i think actually there is a certain person i've been sort of annoyed w/ but i need in my life so i can't really do anything about it...

this person...really needs me right now...because s/he is going through some tough times personally...& i can understand because i've been through the same thing...but quite a bit worse...but see the thing that stops me from completely embracing his/her problems & helping him/her is because when i was going through the similar experience they were not really there for me...they got sick of me....i had stop my desire to need him/her as a friend & turned to myself because they simply were not being a "good" friend...& s/he sort of blew me off because they could not understand the pain of the situation...

this is where things of dom came into my mind...i remember when we were only friends...he said to me...i'm a bit more ahead of most of the people i know....(this is not a compliment to myself...in a way it's annoying as crap...cuz you tend to grow more bitter as a result) i sorta understood him...but i was never plainly shown it...until within this year....i always seemed to be a step ahead of realizations & understanding situations...i was sort of left to explain it to laggers....it was as if i had to experience it first...as a test...just so i could be a great friend & advise others later...

it's very frustrating...because if you try to explain to someone else they simply won't understand...

i haven't really been good in the advice arena lastly simply cuz i've stopped caring...but i remember when i tried to shed light on a situation that was being told to me..i usually got a "you know what...you're totally right" type of response...

& i used to sort of revel in that...

i actually haven't had me time in a long time...

i have been focused on the outside me a lot...the school and the body...

i've sort of suppressed the inside me to accommodate for the newcomers in my life...

i've never been happier w/ myself in the school sense...& i've never been more disgusted w/ my own body....but at the same time...i really am taking steps...so i'm just just sitting here complaining...which i'm happy about...the only thing i need to watch more is my diet...

i wonder how i got soo fit that summer....i think i ate very very little...& i just exercised a lot...i remember my look in the mirror & i wish it was back...i would do pilates & then look at my stomach...that was non existent except for growing muscles...it felt so good...i want that back...

that was the only thing going for me that summer...gawd i was a mess...

technically...i'm a lot healthier this summer...mentally, definitely...even physically...i'm probably stronger now than i was then...& i do indulge in my love of food sometimes...i think i used to eat like a few baby carrots & call it a meal...that's not the life i want to lead...i really DO want to live life to it's fullest....

i want to enjoy every bite i take, every memory i make, every smile, every person that made it worth my while, every sight i've seen, every night i've had a dream....

(& yes i made it rhyme...though not on purpose at first...cuz i'm a nerd)




Red Hot Chili Peppers: "Tear"

This is my time
This is my tear
I can see clearly now
That this is not a place
For playing solitaire
Tell me where you want me
This is my time
This is my tear

Comin? on strong
Baudelaire
Seems to me like
All the world gets high
When you take a dare
Let it rise before you
This is my time

[chorus:]
All in all i?m
Loving every rise and fall
The sun will make and I will take
Breath to be sure of this
In the end
All will be forgiven when
Surrender rises high and i
Gave what I came to give
Say it now because you never know

Devil may cry devil may care
Distiller?s got a scream
And now I know just why
When she?s movin? air
Can you feel the voltage
This is my time
California skies
Got room to spare
This is my time

[chorus]

Take it outside
Take it out there
Seems to me like
All the world gets high
When you take a dare
In the final moment
This is my time

[chorus]

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:02 PM PDT
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Thursday, 9 September 2004
being ignored
Now Playing: something angry
there is a big fatty fucking disclaimer on this...

you don't want to mess with me right now...

i'm am stressed even beyond words & on the verge of tears...by one fucking measly class...

& on top of that...i just have one thing to say

ignoring someone is the worst thing you could do to someone...especially if they did nothing wrong...

not only is it the worst...it's the most childish & immature thing anyone could've thought up...

& i will only do to you as you do to me...

it is essentially denying the fact that I am alive....

& that is the worst thing someone can do...

it is also the most painful thing someone has to experience....

not being able to ever approach you..because you plainly don't see them mentally...

i can't stand you assholes right now...

don't bother me...i might strangle you

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 6:11 PM PDT
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