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C is for...candor
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Saturday, 25 September 2004
horoscope
Mood:  lazy
so di was saying omg it's birthday season! i have so many friends that have birthdays in oct & nov & i realized same w/ me...that is where the majority of my friends had birthdays...& then i got to thinking whether i was drawn to those ppl as friends because of their horoscopes...

i went to look it up & none of my friends fit that description..but i always like to look at mine cuz everyone is always a little bit different but they're always right...i'm such a pisces...

Pisces people can be secretive and seductive. Your planet is Neptune; it is illusion; can be deceptive, but is real enough. The women under this sign can lift their eyebrows and cause hearts to palpitate. (HAHAHAHHA...riiight...)The men are funny and secretive. You have a need to know beyond the immediate and delve into the unknown. You are a Water sign; emotional, intuitive, sensitive; capable of capturing, understanding moods of others. You can be quiet while a storm rages inside. You never tell all you know and secrets are second nature. Your emotions often dominate logic. You breathe romance and highlight intrigue. Your apparently mild manner is a way of holding back and analyzing behind the scenes. You can deceive and be deceived. You stand strong in the face of adversity, but maintain a sense of gentleness. You are charming and sexy, but give the illusion of being aloof and unworldly. Very few see you as you are; you are not that fragile imitation the world believes in. You are sensitive, aware, "tuned- in," maybe psychic. Your emotions range wide; you can be elated or depressed, and very temperamental. You are artistic, musical, moody. Fantasy is a part of your everyday world. At times, you see people and situations as you wish they would be. You have to see them as they actually exist. You tend to attract those who would take advantage of you, but there are those who truly want to be with you out there. (hope so...) You positively match up with Capricorn, Taurus, Cancer, and Scorpio. You have problems with Sagittarius, Gemini, and Virgo. You are neutrally aspected with Aquarius, Aries, Leo, and Libra. With another Pisces, much creativitiy is brought out in the other. But practicality could be lacking.

& from another site:

Romantic Pisces, you are the twelfth and last sign of the zodiac. You are regarded as the sign of sensitivity and receptivity, and are a true chameleon by being mutable and infinitely complex. Your keywords are communion and vision, and you have the capacity to go beyond this world to the one of dreams and the spirit.

Your ruler Neptune, the planet of confusion and chaos, gets people out of habits that imprison them so that they question themselves and can discover another path toward growth and spirituality. Neptune is also the planet of imagination and illusion, and governs the dream world with all its many facets.

Pisces is the third of the three water signs, which means that you are concerned with the realm of emotion and feeling. You deal with sensitivity, intuition, and deeper psychic aspects of life. You are able to conduct unconscious telepathic communication with others.

Your sign rules the twelfth house of the chart, the sector associated with the unconscious, need for seclusion, and places of restriction. This house describes the wellspring of your being, including psychological problems that you repress. This house is very healing and can promote personal and spiritual growth, once you make the effort to go deeper and face YOUR reality.

Pisces is a mutable sign. You adapt to the exigencies of life and ingeniously melt into circumstances like a chameleon. In your interaction with others, you are personable and compassionate, and successfully connect on a deep emotional level.

Your strengths, dear Pisces, lie in your altruistic and empathetic nature, because you feel the urge to help people less fortunate than you. Your sensitivity and intuition make you a true healer. Your strong imagination and highly evolved creativity predispose you to artistic expression.

Your main weaknesses are that you can be weak-willed, passive, and indecisive. Many times, you prefer to escape reality and indulge in your dreamworld. Chaos and confusion can be present in you, which may frustrate your circle of friends. At the same time, you can be oversensitive and fragile, feeling victimized by others.

(both strengths & weaknesses are so true..ahh!)
& yes i sorta realize this is very contradictory to my stereotype entry...but at the same time..most pisces don't fit their description...& it's not totally me to a tee...so yea

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:11 PM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 26 September 2004 11:49 PM PDT
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Thursday, 23 September 2004
oh..you're one of those....
Mood:  irritated
so i was talking to a typical guy who asked me "when was the last time you got laid" i simply responded with "that was super rude" & he responded with "no you're just a typical asian girl trying to be secretive"

i got incredibly annoyed...

i said "i am anything but typical"

he continued to say that i was short & flat & therefore a typical asian girl...

i curse jon for ever having made me join myspace (a friendster like site)...:T

i get nothing but fucking rude messages from annoying guys...

i ignore them all anyways...i should jsut remove my profile...

the point is...well...

1) the irony:
a typical sex-driven guy calling me a typical asian girl (one of his favorite reads is maxim...now THAT's classy....any guys that actually reads & believes maxim is a complete ass living in a barbie world...last i looked in that magazine i was left disgusted at the fact that women's mags left girls wanting to go anerexic while maxim taught how typical fatass guys could get hot model like girlfriends or find ways to tell your girlfriend to lose weight...cuz ALL guys are sooooo perfect)

2) my hatred of being called a typical asian girl:
i am far from those AAA & ABA girls...i'd like to think i venture out of my asian stereotype & i get along w/ people out of my race as well as in...(meaning no asian girl high pitched squealing throngs)...& i'd like to think i have a more well rounded agenda...& i definitely don't have a typical asian girl's body...
& since when are stereotypes of personality based on a person's physical appearance...give me a fucking break...ppl that think that way obviously are shallow & know nothing about how humans are in reality...they live in some demented dimension in which looks mean all...& ppl like that will obviously not succeed in anything they do...(& you call me on the fact i wrote my last few entries on my body...but remember...i only talk of that after my academics...i am actually very happy w/ the way my schoolwork is going right now minus a few stressful moments/deadlines & thus the complaining about my body)...so i was saying they will not succeed because they obviously do not look further in anyway & are incapable of focusing on things that are truly important in life....

3) my hatred of being called typical or "oh you're one of those...(fill in the blank)":
i'd like to think i'm unique....i'd like to think i have traits no one else does...& the thing is...i know i am...i have been confirmed of this by many a people...i am deeper than most know...deeper than most can grasp....i am not saying that people aren't deep...some aren't but those that are are deep in their own way...i have realized in recent years that i am incapable of understanding those that are just as deep as me but in their own way...as well as vice versa...i realize i sound like i'm tooting my own horn...but deep comes w/ its own responsibilities...ANYWAYS...the point is...the thought of being typical bothers the crap out of me..because i know i'm not...& the second someone tries to claim i am...i get angry...in a way that's what i have done all my life...i always tried to be different...not necessarily socially but academically & in my thought process...i have always tried to dream up things that don't exist...tried to invent things that would "make millions"....tried to make things for people that were special....it's not that i go out of my way to be different like some people i know...it just gives me adrenaline to do something different even if it's just a gift for someone...or brainstorming for my restaurant with chris...

the last time i was called "oh you're one of those types" i had to blow steam on here as well...i guess whenever i am told that...it is only confirmation that people will never truly understand me...& that people are quick to judge & separate everyone into poor stereotypes....& that the majority of people are incapable of thinking outside that box....

& on a randomish note...since when is it not rude to ask "when was the last time you got laid" puhlease people...wake up & smell "in good taste" you will never get anywhere with that mouth

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 6:37 PM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 23 September 2004 6:46 PM PDT
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Saturday, 18 September 2004
yes more complaining...
Mood:  sad
so...my life is in order...

school is going well...

what do i have to be upset about...

i'm very much upset w/ myself...& my body...
i've seriously never felt so disgusting in my life...& although i try..nothing is happening...i've been eating healthier...doing yoga...weight lifting...& i think i realized that yoga although i supposedly lose calories during..it's not enough to change anything aobut my body..so now i think i need to do cardio..but i really don't ahve the time...every yoga class is like 1.5 hrs but the walking to & from & the showering & resting...it ends up being about 3 hrs where i can't do anything...& if i have to head to the gym i think i would die...i just don't have enough timein the day..every night even w/out the work now! i fall asleep pretty much the moment my head hits the pillow...i'm always so tired...

it's weird cuz my friend told me she has gotten obsessed w/ looking at other people's bodies when she's on campus...mainly girls...almost as if she's checking them out...wondering to herself if that girl is skinny cuz she doesnt' eat or cuz she works for it...& she said she wish she could stop being so obsessed & then it almsot hit me like lightning...i have been doing that all my life...& i never realized how abnormal it was....the only thing that stops me from being anerexic is my love of food....i have always stared at girls...oogling & wishing i was anything but the very thing i was...at least body wise...i was always told i was fat...i was ugly...i just couldn't compete....& that's why i get so mad at my mom sometimes...she doesn't realize how much she has scarred me...& she says...it's my own fault for misinterpretting her words & hurting myself...but that is completely bullshit..a girl should never be put down her whole life..a girl is sensitive enough...& it's another thing to hear it from your parent all your life...a person you always respect the opinion of...i know i've talked about this so much in past entries...but i know or a fact i will always compliment my child...i will never be the one that make him/her think less of himself/herself because of things i say...i want them to be confident...i want them to be happy w/ themselves...

last night i had a dream...i was riding a bike as if it was a motorcycle but it still had pedals...i swooped & curved around parked cars in the parking lot & some other guy was also riding his bike...i think it was in a church parking lot...he was some cute asian guy...so we just hung out together...& then there was some styrofoam building that basically was a whole street of houses inside...his house/room was the first one on the street...he said "you'll get jealous won't you" & i said "no" but made an evil-ish grin...& the whole time i kept looking at all the others girls outside...for some strange reason they were all not attractive...they had ok bodies...but yea...& then the guy said well i just wanted someone to do hw w/ (referring to me) but i saw his schedule & we didn't have classes together...& i was confused & he told me to fetch his slippers & i got so angry...& i said i barely know you & you're already ordering me about like everyone else does...& then i woke up...it was 12 something! i freaked out..i've never slept that late in forever & i had set my alarm too..so i have no idea what happened...

anyways..i'm really down everytime i think about how gross i look...i can't even explain it...

& dom is sup'd to call but i doubt he will...i wouldn't be surprised & personally i wouldn't care cuz i have other plans...

i'm going chanda's dinner: tableware shopping today...
i decided i'm gonna keep the things i buy tableware wise cuz it'll end up being expensive & i don't think she will realize or appreciate as much as i'd hope she would...plus it'd be useful to have nice plates for a nice formal dinner...i bought the wine glasses already...they're super pretty..the stems sort of look like they are the stems of flowers (but not that girly..they're just very classy)...they're made in like germany or something...

hmm shopping will make me feel better:P

ironically i miss my mommy...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:37 PM PDT
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Saturday, 11 September 2004
as the days go by...
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: Red Hot Chili Peppers-Tear
the last entry was my first truly angry one in a while....
i was just so frustrated...
i'm taking this class, ieor 140, it's robotics...
basically building robots & programming with java...
yes...it SEEMS fun...but i think the only reason it's not is because the prof doesn't really teach & every single class something is happening...whether it be a lab due or an assignment due or a quiz or reading to do before class...a lot of them overlap too...it's just frustrating beyond belief...we've already had two assignments, a lab, and a quiz...& we're still in the middle of a lab due thursday & an assignment due tuesday & a quiz thursday & reading to be done before class tuesday & i'd be ok if this was my only class...but it's not...& so i'm getting so overwhelmed especially because people that already know java are rewarded but it's not a pre-req & i definitely don't know java...

i don't think people are really getting how frustrating this class is...we HAVE to go into the lab to turn in our homework & we all don't have key cards because they take a week to activate & they didn't have any cards for the first week...

& get this...yesterday i got to the lab at around 12:30 to turn in my homework before 2 but because of technical difficulties i missed my 1pm class & i had lab for that class at 2 pm & then i ended up staying with my group doing the lab until 9:30 some...PM yes...that means over 9 hours....& remember we can't just leave & come back cuz we all don't have keys to the lab & you can't prop the door open or else it makes a horrendous high pitched sound...so all of us were hungry, tired & in LAB on a FRIDAY night....& we still didn't finish...

i was planning to relax friday night so i could study all weekend...to get away from exactly what was keeping me from relaxing that night...ugh...

ok...& TRUST me....our group is NOT stupid....i can't say i'm all that bright but my other members are very smart....& quick...BUT we're all java beginners...everything we've learned was from the java book (aka user manual-esque book)...

ok...so then..how the hell are we supposed to program a robot that uses light sensors to detect light intensity & from that information follow a black race track on a white background...smoothly...

having picked up the book a mere two weeks ago...

granted..we got it to do it after a bit but then how are we supposed to know how to alter & keep altering to make it smooth & fit it's specifications...gawd...

dude...& prove the scariness of this class...one group of 3 stepped into the lab that friday & just stepped out & told the professor they were all dropping because they couldn't handle it...

& i couldn't put it better than my friend...
in this category (for our major) there were two classes offered this semester...he said: i read the class descriptions & one said "databases" & one said "legos" & i thought to myself..what could possibly be bad about legos! but...now i know...

this is just a big huge complaint...i know...

but i have that right..it's my blog:P

minus this stressful class...thinga have been going pretty well...

i'm handling the other classes just fine...

& the last yoga class i had was the best i've ever had...i felt soo good after...& lemme remind you i like to complain about yoga:P...i started being able to do the full positions for ones i couldn't before...there's one where you are on your knees & your hands on your lower back & you lean back in a half circle shape & if you could lean far back enough you could rest your hands on your heels...i never really tried to put my hands on my heels just cuz it hurts your back a lot but then i did...so i was a full half circle...it made me feel good...
& this other position where one of your feet is on your thigh standing up & your hand is in the center holding balance...& if you're balanced enough you can lean forward so your fingers are touching the floor in front & you bring yourself to your standing leg's toes & balance in a basically like a one legged squat...

anyways..most of your have no idea what i'm talking about...haha...it's ok though...i'm reminding myself
:P



today is september 11th...the strangely as well as selfishly...i am not thinking about the world trade center....as of last year...9/11 has a different meaning to me...it's been a year since dom & me's more than friends relationship officially started...& i almost forgot...which is sort of nice...i remember after ken...every 23rd of each month i would remember...but...this is strange...i almost forgot about that too...& it just occurred to me it was oct. 23 but i had to try to remember...

i enjoy that...although i sound like a heartless creature...you have no idea what a big step that is for me...i hold onto things too tightly & when it's been taken from me it leaves me w/ scars on my hand & maybe even take a piece of me with it...

i love the very fact that i don't care...

it is the only thing keeping me from falling now...

i haven't really been sad in a while...at least not due to people...

i have been annoyed w/ people but that's fleeting...

i think actually there is a certain person i've been sort of annoyed w/ but i need in my life so i can't really do anything about it...

this person...really needs me right now...because s/he is going through some tough times personally...& i can understand because i've been through the same thing...but quite a bit worse...but see the thing that stops me from completely embracing his/her problems & helping him/her is because when i was going through the similar experience they were not really there for me...they got sick of me....i had stop my desire to need him/her as a friend & turned to myself because they simply were not being a "good" friend...& s/he sort of blew me off because they could not understand the pain of the situation...

this is where things of dom came into my mind...i remember when we were only friends...he said to me...i'm a bit more ahead of most of the people i know....(this is not a compliment to myself...in a way it's annoying as crap...cuz you tend to grow more bitter as a result) i sorta understood him...but i was never plainly shown it...until within this year....i always seemed to be a step ahead of realizations & understanding situations...i was sort of left to explain it to laggers....it was as if i had to experience it first...as a test...just so i could be a great friend & advise others later...

it's very frustrating...because if you try to explain to someone else they simply won't understand...

i haven't really been good in the advice arena lastly simply cuz i've stopped caring...but i remember when i tried to shed light on a situation that was being told to me..i usually got a "you know what...you're totally right" type of response...

& i used to sort of revel in that...

i actually haven't had me time in a long time...

i have been focused on the outside me a lot...the school and the body...

i've sort of suppressed the inside me to accommodate for the newcomers in my life...

i've never been happier w/ myself in the school sense...& i've never been more disgusted w/ my own body....but at the same time...i really am taking steps...so i'm just just sitting here complaining...which i'm happy about...the only thing i need to watch more is my diet...

i wonder how i got soo fit that summer....i think i ate very very little...& i just exercised a lot...i remember my look in the mirror & i wish it was back...i would do pilates & then look at my stomach...that was non existent except for growing muscles...it felt so good...i want that back...

that was the only thing going for me that summer...gawd i was a mess...

technically...i'm a lot healthier this summer...mentally, definitely...even physically...i'm probably stronger now than i was then...& i do indulge in my love of food sometimes...i think i used to eat like a few baby carrots & call it a meal...that's not the life i want to lead...i really DO want to live life to it's fullest....

i want to enjoy every bite i take, every memory i make, every smile, every person that made it worth my while, every sight i've seen, every night i've had a dream....

(& yes i made it rhyme...though not on purpose at first...cuz i'm a nerd)




Red Hot Chili Peppers: "Tear"

This is my time
This is my tear
I can see clearly now
That this is not a place
For playing solitaire
Tell me where you want me
This is my time
This is my tear

Comin? on strong
Baudelaire
Seems to me like
All the world gets high
When you take a dare
Let it rise before you
This is my time

[chorus:]
All in all i?m
Loving every rise and fall
The sun will make and I will take
Breath to be sure of this
In the end
All will be forgiven when
Surrender rises high and i
Gave what I came to give
Say it now because you never know

Devil may cry devil may care
Distiller?s got a scream
And now I know just why
When she?s movin? air
Can you feel the voltage
This is my time
California skies
Got room to spare
This is my time

[chorus]

Take it outside
Take it out there
Seems to me like
All the world gets high
When you take a dare
In the final moment
This is my time

[chorus]

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:02 PM PDT
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Thursday, 9 September 2004
being ignored
Now Playing: something angry
there is a big fatty fucking disclaimer on this...

you don't want to mess with me right now...

i'm am stressed even beyond words & on the verge of tears...by one fucking measly class...

& on top of that...i just have one thing to say

ignoring someone is the worst thing you could do to someone...especially if they did nothing wrong...

not only is it the worst...it's the most childish & immature thing anyone could've thought up...

& i will only do to you as you do to me...

it is essentially denying the fact that I am alive....

& that is the worst thing someone can do...

it is also the most painful thing someone has to experience....

not being able to ever approach you..because you plainly don't see them mentally...

i can't stand you assholes right now...

don't bother me...i might strangle you

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 6:11 PM PDT
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Saturday, 4 September 2004
going anal....about my life
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: norah jones-come away with me
(jon don't even think about commenting on the title...:T)

i realized that i've sort of stopped caring about things i used to dwell on...

my grudges i held with people...

not that i have forgotten about them completely but i've sort have gotten over the fact that they happened...& it no longer rules my life & my mood in the way it used to...

i feel completely refreshed...

the names of certain boys no longer trigger memories of pain or hurt or sadness...they are just words to me...

i said the name of one of them to chris last night & it seemed surreal...it was fake...it was as if i had made it up & plugged in a name...it was a strange feeling...

i truly believe i have forgiven them for the personal things they did to me...they have just left me with lessons...the lessons have changed my life...but them hurting me no longer brings me to tears...

i remember dom saying a person's room shows where they are in their lives...
i'm sure everyone can relate to having a messy room during finals because in their head they say "it's ok i'll worry about it later i need to focus on finals studying for now" your mind is a mess...your room is a mess...

in the past week i think i've cleaned my apartment at least 3-4 times...everytime it gets messy i get really itching to clean & i get really annoyed w/ the messiness...i put things aside & i clean...i completely 409-ed my kitchen tuesday..that means from floor to walls to counters to lifting microwaves & moving the fridge...i even washed my dish rack...i didn't think much of it...i just saw it as me trying to start over w/ a clean new year..

but now i understand more...

this summer i say i've done nothing...but i really did achieve what i meant to...a shift of the focus onto me...i am in a constant cycle of making me a better person...& slowly bit by bit cleaning up my life...

something about yoga too...it makes me want to be one of those very much into relaxation people...i started lighting incense and candles in my room again...just for me...just cuz...

it feels good to have someone to take care of again...& this time i reap the direct benefits of everything i do...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:53 PM PDT
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Thursday, 2 September 2004
back to school
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: tv in the background
you know you haven't updated your blog in a while when you come back & there are sooo many cool new features:)i did the spacey partially cuz i'm spacey but more cuz it's super cute haha...

let's see...of course i'm here cuz i have other things to do:) like read a bajillion pages & do a buncha problems:( but yea..

oh yea...i realized what my last entry was & ppl that actually read it were probably offended...but you know what...that's just my two cents...just think about it...

so school started..it's been soo stressful..it's the first semester i haven't been able to get into a class i really wanted/needed...ugh...

i stepped into my ieor140 robotics class like a week behind i feel cuz i dunno java & cuz we were sup'd to have read..gaaah...it's ok at least i found a group today...& i caught up w/ my old math group person...he's soo hilarious...

i have to say i'm a bit overwhelmed but at the same time i'm very very happy to be back in school...& i'm sooo glad i'm no longer working...i'm starting to take care of my goals..for real this time!

school...i've been trying really hard to make my lists & keep on track...i'm not too lost in terms of material in any class...then again it's only the first week...but yea...

chris & i made our weekly meal on wednesday like we planned...as i'd like to say uppity mac & cheese...good stuff...still have some

let's see...body...i have been trying to eat more healthy...i have actually..minus the mac & cheese..but i planned to splurge once a week..chanda & i joined funky door yoga that practice bikram yoga...ok..sooo much to explain...haha....so we went to the site before we went there...it said "it can be up to 110 degrees in the room" we thought this meant because of the body heat...so went there..very nervous...& the second we stepped in the room it was like stepping into the dessert, voluntarily....they turn up the HEAT to that temperature on purpose!...the teacher made us get water cuz we forgot...it was sooo intense...we walked out completely soaked...& i mean literally from head to toe...i remember just after like the second position i looked down & there was sweat dripping down my leg & i have never seen that before..it was insane...haha...i'm sure you're all disgusted:) no sarcasm here...i'm still taking the weight lifting class too..so all is good:)

in terms of cards...i sold some at campus market but then i took back the rest cuz she said she didn't know if she could trust the new employees but i know it's an excuse...

motorcycle...gone no where...but at the same time it's not at the top of my list at the moment..i think my plate is full...i can't be perfect...

i've been pretty much happy w/ how things are going...

though there have been stupid little obstacles like getting into ieor 115 & being a non registered student! & after much stress it turns out it's cuz of some hepatitis B shot...& tang center ppl(receptionists) minus the immunization ppl are super rude...& stupid...haha bitterness? yes...anyways...

there's no real point to this blog:) haha...you're like...you tell me now..i hate connie well if it makes you feel better..vice versa:)

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:11 PM PDT
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Tuesday, 17 August 2004
my two cents
ok....so i have a disclaimer for those of you reading this that use drugs of any sort: i'm not attacking you (for the most part haha) & i'm not saying you're any less of a person....so don't get the wrong idea...this is simply the reason why I, personally, would not do them...not that i judge people that do do them...

got it? now don't get all offended on me...

ok...so ppl say to me...
"just try it"
"what harm will it do"
"you have to try it at least once"
yada yada yada....

& then when i say no they ask why?...

i rarely actually go into my true reasons due to time & the lack of genuine interest in the answer from the asker...

so i just say..it's just something i don't do...& i don't plan on doing...

sometimes i say i have an addictive personality & i'd probably get addicted if i ever tried it...

sometimes i even say my control issue...my dislike of feeling out of control of myself...

all are partially true...the last, most likely...

but i was sitting in the car & my mom said something about finishing a whole bottle of robutussin to treat her bad cough & i said that's so bad for you!! & i remembered my friend said he used a certain kind of robutussin to get a high similar to gosh i don't even remember...shrooms? & i sat there thinking if i'd ever do something like that...hell no! i thought to myself...but WHY! why not....

to people our age...health is almost not an excuse..we all think we're invincible & nothing we do now affects anything we are in the future...

i remember a close friend telling me...that she felt pot was perfectly ok...once in a while..you couldn't overdose...you don't get angry...you just get chill & calm & funny & what not...her observation bothered me so much...i guess i couldn't really argue her points besides saying it's expensive and illegal....but that seemed sorta childish & stupid....though i do have to say most people that ARE addicted to pot seemed to be so addicted that's all they do with their free time...

but anyways...

so as i sat there thinking about robutussin & pot...i realized the true reason i felt the whole thing was stupid...

so...people do it to forget their problems...to calm down...to relax....to feel happy/have fun...

(now if you know/understand my thinking enough you already know where i'm going with this)

so why do a drug...drug up your brain & body for that moment...& the moment the sensation leaves you're in the same rut you were in when you started minus a few dollars, brain cells, & time...hell most of the time you don't even remember...or even do something you regret...

i'm thinking...you had better learn to relax & calm down naturally...how else are you gonna make it through your life...

i'd much much rather just hang out w/ friends & talk or go on some adventure...even watching a funny movie would be much more worth your money...at least it will leave you with something to remember...& it will have fed your mind...you were happy, naturally...& it becomes a memory..not just another high/drunken night...

& then i noticed a lot of friends i used to have in high school that i've lost touch with party a lot together & that's how they stay friends...
that's fine & dandy since i don't plan on being in a group of friends that rely on that for friendship
but see the thing is...their friendships are almost solely based on those high/drunken nights..i'm sure if i went there, drank & smoked everything they'd fully accept me...but see...what kind of relationship can they possibly have that is meaningful...when high/drunk they laugh at stupid things & then when they're not they talk about times they WERE high/drunk...& i don't know about most people but i know i would never want my trying to escape reality to define me....

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 4:52 PM PDT
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Sunday, 8 August 2004
for anyone that dares...
for anyone that dares to call me a drama queen regarding my past relationships...or simply if you want to understand what sorta of thing i've been thru minus the tv show watch "little black book"

i think i wanted to cry...but i didn't because it was all so surreal...

it was like my life on big screen...

i did not know how to feel...

it was not really a romantic comedy like i had expected...it was about all the doubts & wavering emotions a chick goes thru in a relationship...

in my life...
it was my first real relationship that ended in unfaithfulness that led to all my doubts in men...

believe me...i did not seek it out..when i found out i refused to accept it...until i realized i had to...& things had to end....

that's when my summer spree happened...dated all sorts...some i liked more than others...none seemed meaningful enough...there was always something off which proved to me that i couldn't ever have a relationship with any of them...

that's when he stepped into my life...i knew he liked me...but he did not admit it to himself or me...we agreed that if we ever changed our minds about being more than friends we would tell each other...one day he told me he changed his mind...i didn't have an answer for him...i left him hanging...he understood & did not force it upon me...we talked for 6 hrs a day, everyday...i don't even know what about but we never got bored...we got to be very close...& he became my best friend...we went on adventures together...i called him my panda...

he made me feel on top of the world...& made me feel a feeling i thought i would never feel again...

i remember when we went to chinatown & there was a chinese festival going on & i was scared of losing him in the crowd & he said "ok let's pinky link" so we did...the whole time...he told me later he was grinning like a fool the whole time & he couldn't help it...his first genuine smile in a long time..he said it had probably been about two years...

i wanted to like him..but there were logical rational reasons why i shouldn't...i remember going for a walk with him & we ended up sitting on the curb & i was crying telling him how much i wanted to like him...i remember he had told me about a heart problem that he was born with because when his mom was pregnant w/ him there were a lot of smokers in the house...he told me the doctors always said he would have a short life, maybe even half the span of an average man...i remember that being of great concern to me...because he seemed like someone i would want to spend the rest of my life w/ & i was being very selfish & i thought about him leaving the earth before me...& i would just cry...for fear of being alone...i told him & he just looked at me & after being interrupted a few times very unopportunely by cars & other walkers..he told me "if i knew there was someone on this earth that wanted me to stay longer...do you know how hard i would fight to stay alive?" i hugged him my eyes still wet with tears & my noses still stuffed up....

another walk...he piggy backed me to the nearby elementary school...we sat on the baseball field bench...he said "do you know the courage i built up to call you that first time?" he motioned me to walk with him as he walked to first base...he said this is when i first started up the convo...i followed him to 2nd base...he said this is when i asked if you liked boba...walked to 3rd this is when i asked your favorite flavor....& then when you asked me for my favorite...that's when i walked to home...i knew you cared...& you were interested in what i was about too...he piggy backed me home...

we were housesitting one weekend...he sat on the ledge of the sofa & i sat on his lap...& i looked at him, kissed him, & smiled...he looked at me straight into my eyes...& he said "i..." "what is it?" i asked...he said "nothing..we have time" i asked again teasingly "tell me...please?" he repeated "no it's ok..we have time" i said " were you going to say what i think you were going to say" he said "yea..we have time"....he had never told anyone he loved them..it was a big deal for him...& it is...i would never want someone to tell me something they did not mean...

i remember when i was falling asleep...he looked down at me...& told me he was falling in love with me...

i remember when i lay on my bed watching tv & he said "how do i deserve you..how do i deserve to be with you"

i remember when he sat down at my dining table in front of all the food i made for our dinner..he had come to my place after a whole day of work...he said...this is the first time i can really say "i'm home...i've never been able to say that...so it really means a lot"

we kidded how we were married...we never fought...cept once over sword in the stone...only once....

i remember the one day he said he couldn't come over i was soo upset & i missed him more than i ever wanted to & i heard something hit my window...i looked down & there he was....i ran down & i hugged him so tight...i almost cried...

it was a movie....it was.....it was not just like a fairy tale...it was one...

he got depressed....his ex came back into the picture....& it was all over...in a snap...my picture of perfection was lost....

somewhat of an illusion i suppose...too good to last i suppose...

then like stacey....i was filled with fear....his ex was the boomerang...they even had a pet like bob...a pet i loved but i couldn't after i realized it was theirs....it was a denial...denial that he would always end up with her...that she was perfect for him...in my mind i tell myself they don't fit...hell even he says they don't...but something about time made him grow fond of her....cuz she's always been there...not in a better sort of way but simply because she was there...they aren't the perfect match...we all know this....but it doesn't mean their feelings for each other aren't genuine in anyway....

i was just there...a fork in the road...or maybe more like a turn where u-turns are allowed...

after my first real relationship....i had more doubts in my mind than i had ever wanted there to be...

i couldn't trust anymore....

i just couldn't....i wanted to....i would love more than anything to be as optimistic as i was then....but there is a difference between naive & optimistic...

don't get me wrong...like stacey said...after all i've been through...i still believe in happy endings...

but like she said again...
how does the girl fall into the rabbit hole into a world of chaos & come out the same?

she doesn't

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:24 AM PDT
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Saturday, 31 July 2004
just sitting here
at work...for the first time in 2 months...& yet ti seems like i've never left & there's this sense of comfort like when i go home for the first time after being away a long time...

this sense of belonging & sense of familiarity & unchanging constants...this job that i know i'm good at...w/ no questions...a nagging boss's husband...a japanese accented boss...manual labor...

& surprisingly i am not bothered whatsoever...i guess it's been a while since i've felt like i was needed...somewhere...& the extra cash isn't bad..in fact it goes towards my recent spurious spending on ebay:P

on another note...
a few moments ago...an asian boy..skinny..with glasses stood against the wall in the entranceway of the flower shop across the alley..i thought he was waiting..but then i realized he was crying...he stood there for a while...alone...
i furrowed my brow & more than anything i wanted to go ask if he was ok...i had to resist though..he did not seem like he was going to open up to a stranger..in fact he seemed like someone who would not even open up to people he calls friends...i did not risk it..i didn't want him to know i saw him in his fraility...but i sat at my computer checking on him from teh corner of my eye from time to time..wishing i could do something...wishing i was able to solve all problems..big or small...
i reminded myself as i always do when i am about to meddle/attempt to help someone...i can't save the world...i just can't...even if i wanted to..i didn't have the power & some simply wouldn't even let me...& this is when it almost gets me down a bit...how much i want to lend a hand when i don't even help myself...& NO ONE helps me...so...where does that leave me again?..in the same bind as i'm always in..this desire to better myself...to make myself happy...the hardest task in the world...(for everyone)...

then...
i had told chanda this once...
& i feel like such a bitch saying it sometimes because for a moment it seems like i'm totally egotistical..but if you understand my argument you will know that's not the case..hell..if you know me..you'll DEFINITELY know that i'm not like that...

cept for ken...every guy i've dated has some version of this line to me "you're too good for me," "how do i deserve to be with you," "you're perfect"...etc...it made me feel nice in the moment..but the aftermath is another question cuz we never end up together...is there something about me that gives off this air of perfection that is unreal? do i ward ppl off w/ that aura because they take it for real? & then this is the part that really scares me...is it this aura that they almost feel like i am something to be conquered & then left...as if capturing my attention means something...& what if they are giving me the chance to date them because they know i am what they need..but i am incapable of really holding them down...
like w/ a certain bf...his family absolutely adored me...& he knew they would...they treated me better than they treated him! haha...they were always complimenting everything i did/wore/was...i loved them back..they were so sweet & adorable..everytime i'd go to their house i'd eat with them as if i was already part of the family...i basically was...with his sister's bf there too..it was like a big feast every time i was there...you could see his mom sorta sit back & look at us all as if we were all already married...it was cute...
he had always liked me even though he didn't admit to himself or me til later on in our friendship...i know this wasn't entirely the case but what if...what if he was only liking me cuz he knew his family would like me...cuz i was "perfect" to them & him i suppose...but i was only theoretically perfect..but not perfect in practice...

granted..i know this is not fully the case cuz his ex goes to the same college i do...is asian...skinnier...what not...but they just don't get along w/ her that well...i think he did say they said i was prettier though hahah...not that that would even matter though...

but see..then there's another complication...when we having problems..& his ex started to come back into the picture...they pushed for me...i think they pushed hard for me...but at the same time they wanted to support him in whatever he chose to do...which is basically her...& then it was nothing..

even though it was sweet & dandy they pushed for me..i feared he would choose to be with me simply because of the pressure...the guilt...this "perfection" that ruled he SHOULD be attracted to me..but he just wasn't...& that was that...

i'm scared this false perfection will be the downfall of me...
ironic...since high school i have been trying to rid myself of the image of "sweet girl" (not that i'm not but i don't like being assumed i am..what if i don't feel like being her one day..then what..ppl will gasp & faint in shock when i do a selfish thing? gimme a break...no one is that perfect...& instead of freaking ppl out by stepping out an image i prefer to have none at all) anyways...i have been trying to rid myself of this image...& in that light i've been reestablishing another image...i guess almost this one of perfection & balance...which is now ironically something i question...

i remember reading this guy's random journal one time..he was actually my senior prom date but i wasn't that close to him...he wrote after his father's death...it was one of self discovery...he said that his friends & family all had a different image of him...& if they pieced it altogether it didn't quite make a full picture...
it was worded perfectly...in fact..i never really got a strong image vibe from him...he was a person of no images...although he made it seem like it was a bad thing...i guess it is in ways..cuz know one knows the real him because he never opens up enough..he opens up just the right amount for a person the get a glimpse & quickly shut...for fear of them fully understanding him...but at the same time..he has the perfect springboard for what i've always wanted...a no-image image...he could do anything & not suprise anyone..he had no boundaries...no set rules to live by....

i think my approach now has been to open up to everyone & anyone...i don't know if that's the way to go about it...but i think i still have that surprise factor...i guess cuz i do contradict myself...a martha stewarty type that likes motorcycles? cooking & engineering?...(now i'm picturing martha stewart on a bike *cringe* strange image) i can still remember the reaction sharmeen had when i was staring out the car window at the motorcycle lessons happening in the parking lot almost on the verge of drooling..i said "yea i want to take motorcycle lessssssooooonssss" & she was like "connie! this is a side of you i've never seen" it was sorta funny...but sorta reminded me..i know her from high school & that's why...

i'm so different towards ppl i know from high school & those i've met in college...i'm actually myself from the beginning w/ new friends...high school friends i revert back to a quiet submissive asian girl...

anyways..'nough of my boredom talking...i need to count money & be off to chandies for some greek salad & beef making...yay us

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 6:37 PM PDT
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