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C is for...candor
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Thursday, 2 September 2004
back to school
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: tv in the background
you know you haven't updated your blog in a while when you come back & there are sooo many cool new features:)i did the spacey partially cuz i'm spacey but more cuz it's super cute haha...

let's see...of course i'm here cuz i have other things to do:) like read a bajillion pages & do a buncha problems:( but yea..

oh yea...i realized what my last entry was & ppl that actually read it were probably offended...but you know what...that's just my two cents...just think about it...

so school started..it's been soo stressful..it's the first semester i haven't been able to get into a class i really wanted/needed...ugh...

i stepped into my ieor140 robotics class like a week behind i feel cuz i dunno java & cuz we were sup'd to have read..gaaah...it's ok at least i found a group today...& i caught up w/ my old math group person...he's soo hilarious...

i have to say i'm a bit overwhelmed but at the same time i'm very very happy to be back in school...& i'm sooo glad i'm no longer working...i'm starting to take care of my goals..for real this time!

school...i've been trying really hard to make my lists & keep on track...i'm not too lost in terms of material in any class...then again it's only the first week...but yea...

chris & i made our weekly meal on wednesday like we planned...as i'd like to say uppity mac & cheese...good stuff...still have some

let's see...body...i have been trying to eat more healthy...i have actually..minus the mac & cheese..but i planned to splurge once a week..chanda & i joined funky door yoga that practice bikram yoga...ok..sooo much to explain...haha....so we went to the site before we went there...it said "it can be up to 110 degrees in the room" we thought this meant because of the body heat...so went there..very nervous...& the second we stepped in the room it was like stepping into the dessert, voluntarily....they turn up the HEAT to that temperature on purpose!...the teacher made us get water cuz we forgot...it was sooo intense...we walked out completely soaked...& i mean literally from head to toe...i remember just after like the second position i looked down & there was sweat dripping down my leg & i have never seen that before..it was insane...haha...i'm sure you're all disgusted:) no sarcasm here...i'm still taking the weight lifting class too..so all is good:)

in terms of cards...i sold some at campus market but then i took back the rest cuz she said she didn't know if she could trust the new employees but i know it's an excuse...

motorcycle...gone no where...but at the same time it's not at the top of my list at the moment..i think my plate is full...i can't be perfect...

i've been pretty much happy w/ how things are going...

though there have been stupid little obstacles like getting into ieor 115 & being a non registered student! & after much stress it turns out it's cuz of some hepatitis B shot...& tang center ppl(receptionists) minus the immunization ppl are super rude...& stupid...haha bitterness? yes...anyways...

there's no real point to this blog:) haha...you're like...you tell me now..i hate connie well if it makes you feel better..vice versa:)

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:11 PM PDT
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Tuesday, 17 August 2004
my two cents
ok....so i have a disclaimer for those of you reading this that use drugs of any sort: i'm not attacking you (for the most part haha) & i'm not saying you're any less of a person....so don't get the wrong idea...this is simply the reason why I, personally, would not do them...not that i judge people that do do them...

got it? now don't get all offended on me...

ok...so ppl say to me...
"just try it"
"what harm will it do"
"you have to try it at least once"
yada yada yada....

& then when i say no they ask why?...

i rarely actually go into my true reasons due to time & the lack of genuine interest in the answer from the asker...

so i just say..it's just something i don't do...& i don't plan on doing...

sometimes i say i have an addictive personality & i'd probably get addicted if i ever tried it...

sometimes i even say my control issue...my dislike of feeling out of control of myself...

all are partially true...the last, most likely...

but i was sitting in the car & my mom said something about finishing a whole bottle of robutussin to treat her bad cough & i said that's so bad for you!! & i remembered my friend said he used a certain kind of robutussin to get a high similar to gosh i don't even remember...shrooms? & i sat there thinking if i'd ever do something like that...hell no! i thought to myself...but WHY! why not....

to people our age...health is almost not an excuse..we all think we're invincible & nothing we do now affects anything we are in the future...

i remember a close friend telling me...that she felt pot was perfectly ok...once in a while..you couldn't overdose...you don't get angry...you just get chill & calm & funny & what not...her observation bothered me so much...i guess i couldn't really argue her points besides saying it's expensive and illegal....but that seemed sorta childish & stupid....though i do have to say most people that ARE addicted to pot seemed to be so addicted that's all they do with their free time...

but anyways...

so as i sat there thinking about robutussin & pot...i realized the true reason i felt the whole thing was stupid...

so...people do it to forget their problems...to calm down...to relax....to feel happy/have fun...

(now if you know/understand my thinking enough you already know where i'm going with this)

so why do a drug...drug up your brain & body for that moment...& the moment the sensation leaves you're in the same rut you were in when you started minus a few dollars, brain cells, & time...hell most of the time you don't even remember...or even do something you regret...

i'm thinking...you had better learn to relax & calm down naturally...how else are you gonna make it through your life...

i'd much much rather just hang out w/ friends & talk or go on some adventure...even watching a funny movie would be much more worth your money...at least it will leave you with something to remember...& it will have fed your mind...you were happy, naturally...& it becomes a memory..not just another high/drunken night...

& then i noticed a lot of friends i used to have in high school that i've lost touch with party a lot together & that's how they stay friends...
that's fine & dandy since i don't plan on being in a group of friends that rely on that for friendship
but see the thing is...their friendships are almost solely based on those high/drunken nights..i'm sure if i went there, drank & smoked everything they'd fully accept me...but see...what kind of relationship can they possibly have that is meaningful...when high/drunk they laugh at stupid things & then when they're not they talk about times they WERE high/drunk...& i don't know about most people but i know i would never want my trying to escape reality to define me....

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 4:52 PM PDT
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Sunday, 8 August 2004
for anyone that dares...
for anyone that dares to call me a drama queen regarding my past relationships...or simply if you want to understand what sorta of thing i've been thru minus the tv show watch "little black book"

i think i wanted to cry...but i didn't because it was all so surreal...

it was like my life on big screen...

i did not know how to feel...

it was not really a romantic comedy like i had expected...it was about all the doubts & wavering emotions a chick goes thru in a relationship...

in my life...
it was my first real relationship that ended in unfaithfulness that led to all my doubts in men...

believe me...i did not seek it out..when i found out i refused to accept it...until i realized i had to...& things had to end....

that's when my summer spree happened...dated all sorts...some i liked more than others...none seemed meaningful enough...there was always something off which proved to me that i couldn't ever have a relationship with any of them...

that's when he stepped into my life...i knew he liked me...but he did not admit it to himself or me...we agreed that if we ever changed our minds about being more than friends we would tell each other...one day he told me he changed his mind...i didn't have an answer for him...i left him hanging...he understood & did not force it upon me...we talked for 6 hrs a day, everyday...i don't even know what about but we never got bored...we got to be very close...& he became my best friend...we went on adventures together...i called him my panda...

he made me feel on top of the world...& made me feel a feeling i thought i would never feel again...

i remember when we went to chinatown & there was a chinese festival going on & i was scared of losing him in the crowd & he said "ok let's pinky link" so we did...the whole time...he told me later he was grinning like a fool the whole time & he couldn't help it...his first genuine smile in a long time..he said it had probably been about two years...

i wanted to like him..but there were logical rational reasons why i shouldn't...i remember going for a walk with him & we ended up sitting on the curb & i was crying telling him how much i wanted to like him...i remember he had told me about a heart problem that he was born with because when his mom was pregnant w/ him there were a lot of smokers in the house...he told me the doctors always said he would have a short life, maybe even half the span of an average man...i remember that being of great concern to me...because he seemed like someone i would want to spend the rest of my life w/ & i was being very selfish & i thought about him leaving the earth before me...& i would just cry...for fear of being alone...i told him & he just looked at me & after being interrupted a few times very unopportunely by cars & other walkers..he told me "if i knew there was someone on this earth that wanted me to stay longer...do you know how hard i would fight to stay alive?" i hugged him my eyes still wet with tears & my noses still stuffed up....

another walk...he piggy backed me to the nearby elementary school...we sat on the baseball field bench...he said "do you know the courage i built up to call you that first time?" he motioned me to walk with him as he walked to first base...he said this is when i first started up the convo...i followed him to 2nd base...he said this is when i asked if you liked boba...walked to 3rd this is when i asked your favorite flavor....& then when you asked me for my favorite...that's when i walked to home...i knew you cared...& you were interested in what i was about too...he piggy backed me home...

we were housesitting one weekend...he sat on the ledge of the sofa & i sat on his lap...& i looked at him, kissed him, & smiled...he looked at me straight into my eyes...& he said "i..." "what is it?" i asked...he said "nothing..we have time" i asked again teasingly "tell me...please?" he repeated "no it's ok..we have time" i said " were you going to say what i think you were going to say" he said "yea..we have time"....he had never told anyone he loved them..it was a big deal for him...& it is...i would never want someone to tell me something they did not mean...

i remember when i was falling asleep...he looked down at me...& told me he was falling in love with me...

i remember when i lay on my bed watching tv & he said "how do i deserve you..how do i deserve to be with you"

i remember when he sat down at my dining table in front of all the food i made for our dinner..he had come to my place after a whole day of work...he said...this is the first time i can really say "i'm home...i've never been able to say that...so it really means a lot"

we kidded how we were married...we never fought...cept once over sword in the stone...only once....

i remember the one day he said he couldn't come over i was soo upset & i missed him more than i ever wanted to & i heard something hit my window...i looked down & there he was....i ran down & i hugged him so tight...i almost cried...

it was a movie....it was.....it was not just like a fairy tale...it was one...

he got depressed....his ex came back into the picture....& it was all over...in a snap...my picture of perfection was lost....

somewhat of an illusion i suppose...too good to last i suppose...

then like stacey....i was filled with fear....his ex was the boomerang...they even had a pet like bob...a pet i loved but i couldn't after i realized it was theirs....it was a denial...denial that he would always end up with her...that she was perfect for him...in my mind i tell myself they don't fit...hell even he says they don't...but something about time made him grow fond of her....cuz she's always been there...not in a better sort of way but simply because she was there...they aren't the perfect match...we all know this....but it doesn't mean their feelings for each other aren't genuine in anyway....

i was just there...a fork in the road...or maybe more like a turn where u-turns are allowed...

after my first real relationship....i had more doubts in my mind than i had ever wanted there to be...

i couldn't trust anymore....

i just couldn't....i wanted to....i would love more than anything to be as optimistic as i was then....but there is a difference between naive & optimistic...

don't get me wrong...like stacey said...after all i've been through...i still believe in happy endings...

but like she said again...
how does the girl fall into the rabbit hole into a world of chaos & come out the same?

she doesn't

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:24 AM PDT
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Saturday, 31 July 2004
just sitting here
at work...for the first time in 2 months...& yet ti seems like i've never left & there's this sense of comfort like when i go home for the first time after being away a long time...

this sense of belonging & sense of familiarity & unchanging constants...this job that i know i'm good at...w/ no questions...a nagging boss's husband...a japanese accented boss...manual labor...

& surprisingly i am not bothered whatsoever...i guess it's been a while since i've felt like i was needed...somewhere...& the extra cash isn't bad..in fact it goes towards my recent spurious spending on ebay:P

on another note...
a few moments ago...an asian boy..skinny..with glasses stood against the wall in the entranceway of the flower shop across the alley..i thought he was waiting..but then i realized he was crying...he stood there for a while...alone...
i furrowed my brow & more than anything i wanted to go ask if he was ok...i had to resist though..he did not seem like he was going to open up to a stranger..in fact he seemed like someone who would not even open up to people he calls friends...i did not risk it..i didn't want him to know i saw him in his fraility...but i sat at my computer checking on him from teh corner of my eye from time to time..wishing i could do something...wishing i was able to solve all problems..big or small...
i reminded myself as i always do when i am about to meddle/attempt to help someone...i can't save the world...i just can't...even if i wanted to..i didn't have the power & some simply wouldn't even let me...& this is when it almost gets me down a bit...how much i want to lend a hand when i don't even help myself...& NO ONE helps me...so...where does that leave me again?..in the same bind as i'm always in..this desire to better myself...to make myself happy...the hardest task in the world...(for everyone)...

then...
i had told chanda this once...
& i feel like such a bitch saying it sometimes because for a moment it seems like i'm totally egotistical..but if you understand my argument you will know that's not the case..hell..if you know me..you'll DEFINITELY know that i'm not like that...

cept for ken...every guy i've dated has some version of this line to me "you're too good for me," "how do i deserve to be with you," "you're perfect"...etc...it made me feel nice in the moment..but the aftermath is another question cuz we never end up together...is there something about me that gives off this air of perfection that is unreal? do i ward ppl off w/ that aura because they take it for real? & then this is the part that really scares me...is it this aura that they almost feel like i am something to be conquered & then left...as if capturing my attention means something...& what if they are giving me the chance to date them because they know i am what they need..but i am incapable of really holding them down...
like w/ a certain bf...his family absolutely adored me...& he knew they would...they treated me better than they treated him! haha...they were always complimenting everything i did/wore/was...i loved them back..they were so sweet & adorable..everytime i'd go to their house i'd eat with them as if i was already part of the family...i basically was...with his sister's bf there too..it was like a big feast every time i was there...you could see his mom sorta sit back & look at us all as if we were all already married...it was cute...
he had always liked me even though he didn't admit to himself or me til later on in our friendship...i know this wasn't entirely the case but what if...what if he was only liking me cuz he knew his family would like me...cuz i was "perfect" to them & him i suppose...but i was only theoretically perfect..but not perfect in practice...

granted..i know this is not fully the case cuz his ex goes to the same college i do...is asian...skinnier...what not...but they just don't get along w/ her that well...i think he did say they said i was prettier though hahah...not that that would even matter though...

but see..then there's another complication...when we having problems..& his ex started to come back into the picture...they pushed for me...i think they pushed hard for me...but at the same time they wanted to support him in whatever he chose to do...which is basically her...& then it was nothing..

even though it was sweet & dandy they pushed for me..i feared he would choose to be with me simply because of the pressure...the guilt...this "perfection" that ruled he SHOULD be attracted to me..but he just wasn't...& that was that...

i'm scared this false perfection will be the downfall of me...
ironic...since high school i have been trying to rid myself of the image of "sweet girl" (not that i'm not but i don't like being assumed i am..what if i don't feel like being her one day..then what..ppl will gasp & faint in shock when i do a selfish thing? gimme a break...no one is that perfect...& instead of freaking ppl out by stepping out an image i prefer to have none at all) anyways...i have been trying to rid myself of this image...& in that light i've been reestablishing another image...i guess almost this one of perfection & balance...which is now ironically something i question...

i remember reading this guy's random journal one time..he was actually my senior prom date but i wasn't that close to him...he wrote after his father's death...it was one of self discovery...he said that his friends & family all had a different image of him...& if they pieced it altogether it didn't quite make a full picture...
it was worded perfectly...in fact..i never really got a strong image vibe from him...he was a person of no images...although he made it seem like it was a bad thing...i guess it is in ways..cuz know one knows the real him because he never opens up enough..he opens up just the right amount for a person the get a glimpse & quickly shut...for fear of them fully understanding him...but at the same time..he has the perfect springboard for what i've always wanted...a no-image image...he could do anything & not suprise anyone..he had no boundaries...no set rules to live by....

i think my approach now has been to open up to everyone & anyone...i don't know if that's the way to go about it...but i think i still have that surprise factor...i guess cuz i do contradict myself...a martha stewarty type that likes motorcycles? cooking & engineering?...(now i'm picturing martha stewart on a bike *cringe* strange image) i can still remember the reaction sharmeen had when i was staring out the car window at the motorcycle lessons happening in the parking lot almost on the verge of drooling..i said "yea i want to take motorcycle lessssssooooonssss" & she was like "connie! this is a side of you i've never seen" it was sorta funny...but sorta reminded me..i know her from high school & that's why...

i'm so different towards ppl i know from high school & those i've met in college...i'm actually myself from the beginning w/ new friends...high school friends i revert back to a quiet submissive asian girl...

anyways..'nough of my boredom talking...i need to count money & be off to chandies for some greek salad & beef making...yay us

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 6:37 PM PDT
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Tuesday, 27 July 2004
hot & sexy opposites...& they're madly in love!
i was watching maury...
yes yes...horrible-ness

but..i found myself annoyed and amazed at the same time...

annoyed that ppl found it disgusting and entertainment...a way to make themselves feel better about themselves...to see these other ppl that look like they're in a worse situation than themselves...

but i was amazed...so amazed that these ppl were so in love...& they WERE happy...some of the couples were married..one was together for 10 years!some for 7 years, etc.....they weren't afraid to show to the world their love for each other by going on a horrible demeaning show like that...

i got pissed at myself cuz i wondered if i was in a relationship like that if i would be super proud of it like they were...& i don't think i would be...showing not only that i was self conscious but that i cared about what others thought

these ppl..knew what they wanted & went after it...

i, on the other hand, am unsure...how will i ever end up happy if i don't know what i really want & don't pursue it w/ confidence regardless of what others think....

i know this is no discovery for me..i know my confidence has always been a problem...or lack of i suppose...

i think maybe this is the first time in my life i am making a choice to keep a distance w/ ppl i care about so i can focus on myself...i have to admit...i'm feeling better already...



& this next little tidbit is for a certain person that has been pushing ppl out of her life because she's not happy...i just wanted to remind you that i'm very much here for you if you need me still...i have had dreams about your unhappiness...so you are definitely in my thoughts...i know you are pushing us all out of your life...which is fine if it makes you feel better...just remember to do things that make you happy & focus on things you're good at to remind yourself how unique and talented you really are...all we want is the best for you...& if that leaves us out of the pic then so be it...you will always be able to pick up where you left off w/ us if you choose to...we love you...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:39 PM PDT
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Friday, 23 July 2004
score board
connie: 0
everyone else: 2

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 7:32 PM PDT
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Wednesday, 21 July 2004
i surrender
ok....that's it...

i basically hate all people...

go you guys...

you win

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:30 PM PDT
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Thursday, 15 July 2004
me
this was meant to be a summer of nothingness...it's clear to me now...

i'm writing this entry to remind myself...

in the fall semester it is all about me...

i plan to work on myself...& basically ignore everyone else...
that sounds harsh...that sounds bitchy...but you know what? i don't care...

i have already decided to end my cable at the end of summer...if i get anything it will be netflix...

i will no longer spend time online like i do now...i basically just talk to a few people on there...& there are other ways to talk to them...even thru email is more time efficient...plus i'm not even addicted to aim..i just go on when i'm bored..or even if i just check my mail i'll sign on..but that's not necessary...

i am planning to spend a lot of time in the library & ourdoors..as lame as that sounds...i really need to focus..now more than ever...i need to rediscover how i did so well in high school...where did the smarter connie go...granted the smarter connie didn't have baggage like she does now..but that's the point...i need to move on...& prove to myself once agian how great i was w/out anyone...

i just remember senior year....i was so involved...so active...yet still doing well in school...w/out trying that hard...at least as i recall...i was what i want to be now...i want to be out there...doing things...FOR MYSELF..not needing guys...not needing anyone actually...doing things i'm truly good at....

it's weird to think i actually was then..but i didn't realize...i was head of publicity...so was erika but everyone..even she kenw...i did all the work...i LOVED it...i mean...i was using my creativity & it was all over the school...posted everywhere & everyone needed my help...the vice principal LOVED me cuz she could see how talented i was...she was intrigued...i was on the project commission of key club..yes i did the shit work...looking for volunteer activities...setting them up...whatever...i was still good at it...hell i was like the only person that got projects for a while...& that's the whole dang point of the club...yearbook...i was reclusive but damn..i was happy with everything i did in there...i was better at photoshop & illustrator then...cuz i taught myself...i was really proud...nothing seemed to stand in my way then....i think i was happy w/ myself but depressed at my situation...but see...i think it's the opposite now...i like my situation..i go to a great school...i have my own apt...i know who my friends are...but the problem now? it's me...i'm pretty sure my situation will change but it will never be like high school again..thank gawd...so it's all on me now...all on me....i need to #1 do well in school....i need to prove to myself i can because i KNOW i can...i'm am absolutely positive i can...i just don't try...i vent & complain that i study all the time...hell i do....BUT the quality of the studying is horrible...i could be doing tons well in my classes if i jsut focused...& probably cared less about other people...thus the library..where conveniently my phone doesn't work so well...it's perfect...it's depressing but have my music..that's good enough...then...there's #2 improve my body...i've been complaining & complaining about this one...wow...probably since i was little...& it's number two only because i can focus on this any time & it's a bit harder...it requires not just motivation (which school needs) but will power too...& i'm thinking...since i'll be ignoring most ppl...i wont have my emotional roller coasters & i won't just stuff my face cuz i feel gross...& hopefully during finals i won't be as stressed cuz i will have been keeping up the whole time & i won't be eating badly...i think finals are almost always my downfall w/ my body...i'm usually fine during the year...so...the two are directly linked...then...#3 doing what i do best....this is more for my own happiness...this could mean a few things...cooking...cards...website....whatever floats my boat at the time...

those are my 3 goals for next semester...i am mainly writing this for myself...to remind myself...this is what i am all about now....ME

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:53 AM PDT
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Saturday, 10 July 2004
happiness
i had almost finished writing this shpeal when my comp froze & i lost it all:(
so i will try to remember what i said...

i skimmed my blog entries & i realized the recent ones have been more depressing than anything...
& i wanted to explain myself...i usually only start writing if there is something on my mind...& that usually is when i'm in a bad place...yielding many a sad entries...

the truth is....i'm in a better place now than i was say 6 months ago...

there are only two main causes of my stress now...
one will end in 1 week...the physics class i'm taking....don't get me wrong i will not bash the subject in anyway...it intrigues me...but there is a huge difference between being interested in & being good at....maybe it's the proof to myself that there are some things i will just never grasp....there are things i will not be able to master....& a set of ppl that think completely differently than myself...

second is the weight i've gained during finals...oh it's not one of those girly "i'm fat" deals....i've always said i was fat...even when i wasn't really...but this time it's different..i really am...i checked my bmi & everything....i think it threw me off a lot cuz i've been the same weight for 3 years now...& i guess i was starting to take it for granted...i have to rework for my body back again....

see....i'm a lot happier now cuz for once in my life i am in control again....
for the past 2 years...hell for all my life i've let others dictate my life...younger it was my parents...high school it was my high school image which was determined by everyone except me...& my first two years of college was controlled by boys...& for the past semester it was my bosses too....

it's so ironic....because i don't choose to do a lot of things because of my fear of loss of control...no drinking...no smoking...no drugs...no whoring myself out...i don't even like roller coasters which i think is cuz of the same reason...
yet...my whole life...i've let people control the single most important thing in my life....my happiness

i was watching this show called "weddings" (cuz my mom was complaining that i watched too much food network so i changed the channel) so there was one story about this "perfect" woman being left at the alter...she fell deep into depression but then made it out a better person...she is truly vibrant & happy now....she said something that was a shortened version of what i have been saying to chanda all along...."you can't expect someone to complete you, you have to be complete by yourself"...when this guy wanted me to be with him...i was in a bad place at the time...i was still recovering...he said he could make me happy. i said i couldn't my explanation being "i have come to a point in my life where i've realized i don't want people to define my happiness anymore...i want to find it on my own...& then maybe find someone who will add to it...but i want to be happy with myself by myself..." he responded "i look at you. you are so smart & you go to this great university. but then you say something incredibly stupid like that." i looked up at him, shook my head, and did not say a word knowing he would never understand. see...what he doesn't know is that i think i've found the secret map to happiness....it's so very very simple (not the path but the answer)...

if i continuing living the way i do....i will be like a blind man....with a cane i do not use....i reach out with my hand hoping for a nice person to take it & lead me where i want to go....sometimes the person will be right & take me there...others won't & they'll get me lost...making it even harder for me to find my way there because this new place will be unfamiliar...i would've been better trying to find the way myself....i will get where i want without getting sidetracked....i will not only feel better about myself because i made it there by myself...but there, i will be in a healthier & better state to find that special someone if i choose to...

it's no longer about other ppl...it's about me....all about me....to those that don't know me, i will sound like a bitch & that's fine...to those that know me, know this is my ultimate cure....
if i can do this...it will have proven that i can do anything...

i had this dream last night....(background info: i have a friend, let's call her mimi, that is very depressed right now, she used to be one of my closest friends...but i think she's shutting me out...as depressed people do...& i have no real power to do anything...): so i went into a very big pretty building & i went to the info desk...there was a line for pet related questions but i went to the general line...i was behind someone...another clerk was free but he was friends w/ the person behind me so they sparked a convo & i was thinking "that was rude" but then a black woman in the next window asked ifi needed help..i said "yes, i have a friend who is depressed & i'm not sure what to do" it occured to me that the lady might think i was referring to myself...& i thought to myself i hope she doesn't think so...she asked "do you know if she stole her xray picture" i furrowed my brow confused & answered "i don't think so.......(trailed off)" she said "well see sometimes depressed people are morbid & they steal their xray picture & put it in their room & scatter ashes around it" i said "i don't think mimi's like that" & she said "ok well i was just asking to make sure" & then we moved to another window & i asked "well what am i supposed to do to help her?" i don't remember what she said & i asked "do you think it could be a hormone imbalance?" & she chuckled & said "there's no such thing" & i said..."well the thing is i don't think it's something in particular though...cuz i've went thru the possibilities with her before" she said "ok" as she went to get some papers for me to fill out...then mrs. wyant walked behind the counter (mrs. wyant was my middle school music teacher...she is probably the only teacher i think i've truly disliked & disrespected because of the way she treated us...& just the way she was...) i tried to hide my face (i was a bit older than i am now i think) but she saw me anyways & she remembered my name she said "connie! hand me the stapler!" & i gave her a wth? look & in my mind i thought "i'm not your slave...who do you think i am" & then the dream ended....

i told chanda the gist of the dream & told her how bad i felt that i haven't talked to her in so long...
chanda said you shouldn't feel bad...if she wants to talk, she will come to you & right now you should be dealing with your own life....i knew she was right...(it's funny how chanda & i throw each other the same advice but at the time it's the right thing to say) chanda said..maybe the dream was trying to tell you to focus on you...i said...yea maybe if i overanalyze it...& that's exactly what i've done...haha....so...in the dream...i was focusing on mimi...i was getting irritated when someone "cut" in front of me cuz i felt my issue regarding a friend was more important...i was working hard to fix her problem...i had even thought to myself that i hope the lady doesn't think i'm talking about myself...i was completely putting myself in the background..as something insignificant in comparison...because in reality...i, too, am depressed...on the way to recovery of course but depressed nonetheless...i'm just really good at disguising it in real life if i choose to...which most of the time i do...anyways..back to the dream....mrs. wyant...maybe she was signifying someone i met in the course of my life that didn't fit my life...that didn't fit the role i needed them to be...& yet she was telling me what to do...i didn't like that but i said nothing...i was silent...so, basically, i was doing what i do best....catch all that are about to fall, spend all my time solving their problems & being there for them, hell maybe it gives me a boost cuz i seem to be good at it, but that's where i put all my energy, making sure everyone is ok, it leaves me to be forgotten....no one is really there to catch me if i fall....i have only me to depend on & even i'm not there....making each fall hard & longer to recover from...& for some reason the falls come in series usually...but see....i don't blame anyone but myself for trying so hard to be there for ppl...there are so many reasons why i'd do such a thing....1, i fear focusing on myself cuz that is much harder than helping anyone else...it's sensitive...it's fragile...i might even be scared of what i may find out about myself...2, i am giving into my loving to give side...3, i wish it would be reciprocated when needed...it is secretly what i yearn, someone would do for me so i do it for others...hoping someday the favor will be returned...4, i like drama in my life...i like always having something think/worry about...

haha..i just realized this is probably why all english teachers loved me & why it was my best subject in high school...i can take nothing much & find so much meaning & so much relevance in it...& then word it in a way that most people can see what i'm saying...& start to believe it....
good thing i don't use this for evil....good for you guys:P
my grammer in these entries on the other hand...

props to those that made it thru this entry...hell props to anyone that makes it thru any of my longer entries...you realize it is to weed most out:) so you're special..yay you (not sarcasm)

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:33 PM PDT
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Sunday, 4 July 2004
*sigh*
yesterday, i had never been so alone...

& i've never had so many ppl i care about screw over my day in one day...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:14 AM PDT
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