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C is for...candor
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Saturday, 10 July 2004
happiness
i had almost finished writing this shpeal when my comp froze & i lost it all:(
so i will try to remember what i said...

i skimmed my blog entries & i realized the recent ones have been more depressing than anything...
& i wanted to explain myself...i usually only start writing if there is something on my mind...& that usually is when i'm in a bad place...yielding many a sad entries...

the truth is....i'm in a better place now than i was say 6 months ago...

there are only two main causes of my stress now...
one will end in 1 week...the physics class i'm taking....don't get me wrong i will not bash the subject in anyway...it intrigues me...but there is a huge difference between being interested in & being good at....maybe it's the proof to myself that there are some things i will just never grasp....there are things i will not be able to master....& a set of ppl that think completely differently than myself...

second is the weight i've gained during finals...oh it's not one of those girly "i'm fat" deals....i've always said i was fat...even when i wasn't really...but this time it's different..i really am...i checked my bmi & everything....i think it threw me off a lot cuz i've been the same weight for 3 years now...& i guess i was starting to take it for granted...i have to rework for my body back again....

see....i'm a lot happier now cuz for once in my life i am in control again....
for the past 2 years...hell for all my life i've let others dictate my life...younger it was my parents...high school it was my high school image which was determined by everyone except me...& my first two years of college was controlled by boys...& for the past semester it was my bosses too....

it's so ironic....because i don't choose to do a lot of things because of my fear of loss of control...no drinking...no smoking...no drugs...no whoring myself out...i don't even like roller coasters which i think is cuz of the same reason...
yet...my whole life...i've let people control the single most important thing in my life....my happiness

i was watching this show called "weddings" (cuz my mom was complaining that i watched too much food network so i changed the channel) so there was one story about this "perfect" woman being left at the alter...she fell deep into depression but then made it out a better person...she is truly vibrant & happy now....she said something that was a shortened version of what i have been saying to chanda all along...."you can't expect someone to complete you, you have to be complete by yourself"...when this guy wanted me to be with him...i was in a bad place at the time...i was still recovering...he said he could make me happy. i said i couldn't my explanation being "i have come to a point in my life where i've realized i don't want people to define my happiness anymore...i want to find it on my own...& then maybe find someone who will add to it...but i want to be happy with myself by myself..." he responded "i look at you. you are so smart & you go to this great university. but then you say something incredibly stupid like that." i looked up at him, shook my head, and did not say a word knowing he would never understand. see...what he doesn't know is that i think i've found the secret map to happiness....it's so very very simple (not the path but the answer)...

if i continuing living the way i do....i will be like a blind man....with a cane i do not use....i reach out with my hand hoping for a nice person to take it & lead me where i want to go....sometimes the person will be right & take me there...others won't & they'll get me lost...making it even harder for me to find my way there because this new place will be unfamiliar...i would've been better trying to find the way myself....i will get where i want without getting sidetracked....i will not only feel better about myself because i made it there by myself...but there, i will be in a healthier & better state to find that special someone if i choose to...

it's no longer about other ppl...it's about me....all about me....to those that don't know me, i will sound like a bitch & that's fine...to those that know me, know this is my ultimate cure....
if i can do this...it will have proven that i can do anything...

i had this dream last night....(background info: i have a friend, let's call her mimi, that is very depressed right now, she used to be one of my closest friends...but i think she's shutting me out...as depressed people do...& i have no real power to do anything...): so i went into a very big pretty building & i went to the info desk...there was a line for pet related questions but i went to the general line...i was behind someone...another clerk was free but he was friends w/ the person behind me so they sparked a convo & i was thinking "that was rude" but then a black woman in the next window asked ifi needed help..i said "yes, i have a friend who is depressed & i'm not sure what to do" it occured to me that the lady might think i was referring to myself...& i thought to myself i hope she doesn't think so...she asked "do you know if she stole her xray picture" i furrowed my brow confused & answered "i don't think so.......(trailed off)" she said "well see sometimes depressed people are morbid & they steal their xray picture & put it in their room & scatter ashes around it" i said "i don't think mimi's like that" & she said "ok well i was just asking to make sure" & then we moved to another window & i asked "well what am i supposed to do to help her?" i don't remember what she said & i asked "do you think it could be a hormone imbalance?" & she chuckled & said "there's no such thing" & i said..."well the thing is i don't think it's something in particular though...cuz i've went thru the possibilities with her before" she said "ok" as she went to get some papers for me to fill out...then mrs. wyant walked behind the counter (mrs. wyant was my middle school music teacher...she is probably the only teacher i think i've truly disliked & disrespected because of the way she treated us...& just the way she was...) i tried to hide my face (i was a bit older than i am now i think) but she saw me anyways & she remembered my name she said "connie! hand me the stapler!" & i gave her a wth? look & in my mind i thought "i'm not your slave...who do you think i am" & then the dream ended....

i told chanda the gist of the dream & told her how bad i felt that i haven't talked to her in so long...
chanda said you shouldn't feel bad...if she wants to talk, she will come to you & right now you should be dealing with your own life....i knew she was right...(it's funny how chanda & i throw each other the same advice but at the time it's the right thing to say) chanda said..maybe the dream was trying to tell you to focus on you...i said...yea maybe if i overanalyze it...& that's exactly what i've done...haha....so...in the dream...i was focusing on mimi...i was getting irritated when someone "cut" in front of me cuz i felt my issue regarding a friend was more important...i was working hard to fix her problem...i had even thought to myself that i hope the lady doesn't think i'm talking about myself...i was completely putting myself in the background..as something insignificant in comparison...because in reality...i, too, am depressed...on the way to recovery of course but depressed nonetheless...i'm just really good at disguising it in real life if i choose to...which most of the time i do...anyways..back to the dream....mrs. wyant...maybe she was signifying someone i met in the course of my life that didn't fit my life...that didn't fit the role i needed them to be...& yet she was telling me what to do...i didn't like that but i said nothing...i was silent...so, basically, i was doing what i do best....catch all that are about to fall, spend all my time solving their problems & being there for them, hell maybe it gives me a boost cuz i seem to be good at it, but that's where i put all my energy, making sure everyone is ok, it leaves me to be forgotten....no one is really there to catch me if i fall....i have only me to depend on & even i'm not there....making each fall hard & longer to recover from...& for some reason the falls come in series usually...but see....i don't blame anyone but myself for trying so hard to be there for ppl...there are so many reasons why i'd do such a thing....1, i fear focusing on myself cuz that is much harder than helping anyone else...it's sensitive...it's fragile...i might even be scared of what i may find out about myself...2, i am giving into my loving to give side...3, i wish it would be reciprocated when needed...it is secretly what i yearn, someone would do for me so i do it for others...hoping someday the favor will be returned...4, i like drama in my life...i like always having something think/worry about...

haha..i just realized this is probably why all english teachers loved me & why it was my best subject in high school...i can take nothing much & find so much meaning & so much relevance in it...& then word it in a way that most people can see what i'm saying...& start to believe it....
good thing i don't use this for evil....good for you guys:P
my grammer in these entries on the other hand...

props to those that made it thru this entry...hell props to anyone that makes it thru any of my longer entries...you realize it is to weed most out:) so you're special..yay you (not sarcasm)

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:33 PM PDT
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Sunday, 4 July 2004
*sigh*
yesterday, i had never been so alone...

& i've never had so many ppl i care about screw over my day in one day...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:14 AM PDT
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Saturday, 3 July 2004
you know back in '82...
thursday night, chanda & i binged & were gonna see dodgeball but then she really wanted to watch napolean dynamite again...& it started 10 minutes earlier so we chose that instead...

she had flat out told me...there's no plot...i just found it so funny...(ps: it was ok i wouldn't necessarily recommend it though)

i sat there in my overly analytical mode...
& in my weird way i got a lot from the movie...

the most obvious but also the most important for me...was the uncle...he was a nobody that lived for his high school football days...1982....he would say "you know if in that game the coach put me in i'd be in pro football or college football & be making millions now" he even bought a "time machine" online to try to go back to 1982... the thing is...we all laughed at his dorkiness & stupidity...but you know what...it is the flat out obvious way of saying...hey MOVE ON....i told di about this...& i said something to the effect of yes it was beautiful then....yes it was perfect then....yes you felt like you were invincible & nothing could go wrong then....but you know what? it's no longer...it's over...& it needs to be accepted....

to those that know me know what i'm referring to in my own life...

& well the overall movie was about this guy that was sorta dorky & by the end of the movie not much was different...it was just about his life...he was a very simple guy that didn't try very hard...he was just himself & he was very good at being that..but he was happy...he, by being himself, made others around him happy...he bettered their lives in subtle ways just by being this guy that didn't care what others thought...he wasn't trying to make them happy..he just happened to...it was interesting....

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:17 PM PDT
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Sunday, 27 June 2004
so much....
this was written a while back & never posted...
i think because i was scared to cuz i flat out put names in there...& i was unstable still but now i'm pretty much apathetic towards all ppl...soooo...yea

wow...when i signed onto aim today after my third final..one more to go. yay me:P i felt like i hadn't been online in ages & had lost touch with the world...nothing seemed to be different though i talked to ppl as if i had been online this whole time....

it has only been a week but to me it seemed like a year...& i probably did lose a year off of my life just from the lack of sleep, bad food, cramming of material, & being incredibly emotionally unstable (i always am when finals roll around because my mind is purely on school so i want everything else to be stable & so if ppl are a bit meaner or don't call me i get sorta antsy & i crave hugs & massages from anyone & everyone)...

i've definitely gained weight...uuuughhhhhh
(that was random i know)

nothing's happened in my life this week except for studying...spending too much time in the library...learning all the possible ways to sit in a big wooden chair (at the library)...making my back stronger w/ a big heavy backpack...wishing people would call to distract me from studying...all the basic little things that come along w/ finals time...

but at the same time, i feel like some one took my snowglobe world, turned it upside down, & shook it. all because of that emotional instability....

many a moments i felt like no one cared about me...
& when my mind is all on school i find i think about my past more when i'm not thinking about school. i kept rerunning ken & dom footage in my head....so many a times i wanted to cry...but i couldn't...my eyes are so tired....tired of reading notes & books, from lack of sleep, & most of all crying from all the times before. i kept thinking about how happy ken is now with anna....or if he really is happy...& how in his lj after we broke up he wished the next relationship would last longer...guess it did...i don't know if it's jealousy or pain or sadness....i find myself being so stereotypically a girl & saying things to myself like "oh gawd anna's hella ugly" or something completely stupid like that...(not that it's not true HAHAHA ouch yes i'm a bitch) but you know what it has nothing to do with her...she should not be brought into my anger/sadness at all...& then w/ dom...i keep bringing up in my mind the pain he caused...of course i do not regret anything because i am so glad he is in my life...but at the same time i think about my decision then...the decision to stay by his side...& the paranoia & trauma it caused me...my blaming it on her & her stupidity & not finding fault in that...(not like w/ anna cuz i guess i don't "know" anna)...

i am also slightly angry & annoyed & sad at the fact that i don't talk to ben anymore...but at the same time i feel like i still have every right to be mad or at least annoyed he said that...& i didn't do some silent treatment like msot girls would i flat out told him. i got annoyed cuz you said this...i felt like it was rude...& maybe that is partly why i have thought about ken so much recently....
we were talking about some stuff & he said that ken did not take our relationship seriously & something on the lines of how he didn't care...& when i told him i didn't appreciate that he said "i thought you already knew that" & it made me even more mad....in reality...maybe now ti means nothing to him...but i know then he did care....at least a little...there was something in his eyes....
shit i don't want to be one of those ppl that is trying to convince themselves someone cared when they didn't....but i really think he did....i don't know.....forget it...i'm not gonna be dragged into some self pitying cycle....i will state...he cared then & that's a fact...now, may be a different issue but it doesn't matter now we aren't in each other's lives...

then there was this whole issue w/ work the previous week...i got sooooo angry probably because my patience w/ their ignorance & stupidity & short tempered attitudes were wearing extremely thin...
i wanted to quit right then & there & watch them beg me to stay....i seriously planned out my entire two week notice dealio & my explanation...

then i got my horoscope email for the day:

"Without an adversary, prowess shrivels." ~Seneca

Here is your forecast for Monday May 10, 2004.

Personal forecast
Knowing what you want, you are determined to get it. Although obstacles may appear, they make you stronger and more capable of achieving your desires. This is a good time to initiate a fundamental change in your life if you are ready for it or need it. Pursuing activities that encourage the _expression of your deepest urges empower you. Seek your passion-or seek to realize what your passion is.

trust me, i don't believe in horoscopes much but somethings they are right on the dot...especially this website...

it made me smile & i stopped hating then so much...in my anger, which stemmed from them, i was very rebellious & thinking more & more about my card company & how it would be real & i would make it real....& so in the end....their abusing me brought out the best in me, ironically. best in me as in what was best for me. it reminded me this is not what i want. this is why i go to school. this is why school is priority one. & this is why i want to actually do something i enjoy & love & am good at. where i am my own conductor...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:29 PM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 27 June 2004 9:31 PM PDT
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love: right or left brained quiz
You Are Right Brained In Love

Bit of a drama queen
Peacemaker, first to end a fight
Good at thinking up creative dates
Tend to fall in love and get hurt easily
Going with your gut instead of your head
Emphathetic and caring, sometimes to a fault
Good at recognizing patterns in relationships
Been in love many times, perhaps too many to count
Wildly passionate and intense when falling in love
Spontaneous with relationships, going with the flow
Overly visual - can play back past dates like movies in your mind
Roses, love poems, and stuffed animals are a good start to winning your heart


how did i know this would be my result...ugh

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:23 PM PDT
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Sunday, 20 June 2004

me: you want a pretty, great personalitied girl
jon: man. that's like wishing for a pink elephant

haha i dunno why i found this so amusing:) i should be offended:P!

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 2:48 AM PDT
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Tuesday, 1 June 2004

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
~Will Rogers

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:07 PM PDT
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Sunday, 30 May 2004
my life's to do list
(in no particular order)
1. start card company
2. learn to ride a motorcycle
3. own a motorcycle
4. be on food network
5. start a restaurant or at least cook at a restaurant
6. start a show (like The ConDom Show... no not like condom...ConDom:))
7. be a teacher
8. at least travel to each continent
9. be able to cook foods of all styles
10. develop recipes
11. own a mini
12. build a big sand castle
13. be a good mom
14. for a week, do my hair a different way each way
15. go clubbing
16. learn how to mix drinks
17. for a month, make a different meal from scratch each night
18. road trip
19. go on a real shopping spree (for me not my kitchen or friends which i tend to do a lot:T)
20. go fishing
21. spend the night at a beach & fall asleep on the sand
22. have a real picnic
23. meet someone that loves me as much as i love them, if not more
24. eat at a majority of famous restaruants
25. make some piece of furniture
26. have a website
27. get a professional full body massage
28. get pampered at a spa
29. fully write & produce a song
30. invent something useful
31. go to culinary school (even if it's a summer program)
32. yum
33. enter a cooking contest
34. go to chicago & eat at that food fair thing
35. market packaging peanut playgrounds..it's brilliant..
36.
37.
38.
39.
40.
41.
42.
43.
44.
45.
46.
47.
48.
49.
50.
will add when i think of more...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 5:21 PM PDT
Updated: Friday, 11 June 2004 1:06 AM PDT
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Thursday, 20 May 2004
my theme song
norah jones

Seven Years

Spinning, laughing, dancing to
her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
Is all alone

Eyes wide open
Always hoping for the sun
And she'll sing her song to anyone
that comes along

Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin' to the ground
Without a sound

Crooked little smile on her face
Tells a tale of grace
That's all her own

Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin' to the ground
Without a sound

Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song
She?s a little girl with nothing wrong
And she's all alone
A little girl with nothing wrong
And she's all alone




even down to the crooked smile....

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:13 AM PDT
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Thursday, 6 May 2004
so true:P
"With each dawn and each dusk, we connect with the world in its time."
Iranian quote


Here is your forecast for Wednesday May 5, 2004.

Personal forecast
This time may be a reflection of events begun a week ago; be mindful of any challenges, and then make adjustments as required. Asserting your will is a possibility now-conditions may demand that you take a stand. You feel more strongly about what is right for you and for those close to you, and you tend to reject what does not meet your standards.




i have been shutting people out...one by one...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:17 AM PDT
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