so much....
this was written a while back & never posted...
i think because i was scared to cuz i flat out put names in there...& i was unstable still but now i'm pretty much apathetic towards all ppl...soooo...yea
wow...when i signed onto aim today after my third final..one more to go. yay me:P i felt like i hadn't been online in ages & had lost touch with the world...nothing seemed to be different though i talked to ppl as if i had been online this whole time....
it has only been a week but to me it seemed like a year...& i probably did lose a year off of my life just from the lack of sleep, bad food, cramming of material, & being incredibly emotionally unstable (i always am when finals roll around because my mind is purely on school so i want everything else to be stable & so if ppl are a bit meaner or don't call me i get sorta antsy & i crave hugs & massages from anyone & everyone)...
i've definitely gained weight...uuuughhhhhh
(that was random i know)
nothing's happened in my life this week except for studying...spending too much time in the library...learning all the possible ways to sit in a big wooden chair (at the library)...making my back stronger w/ a big heavy backpack...wishing people would call to distract me from studying...all the basic little things that come along w/ finals time...
but at the same time, i feel like some one took my snowglobe world, turned it upside down, & shook it. all because of that emotional instability....
many a moments i felt like no one cared about me...
& when my mind is all on school i find i think about my past more when i'm not thinking about school. i kept rerunning ken & dom footage in my head....so many a times i wanted to cry...but i couldn't...my eyes are so tired....tired of reading notes & books, from lack of sleep, & most of all crying from all the times before. i kept thinking about how happy ken is now with anna....or if he really is happy...& how in his lj after we broke up he wished the next relationship would last longer...guess it did...i don't know if it's jealousy or pain or sadness....i find myself being so stereotypically a girl & saying things to myself like "oh gawd anna's hella ugly" or something completely stupid like that...(not that it's not true HAHAHA ouch yes i'm a bitch) but you know what it has nothing to do with her...she should not be brought into my anger/sadness at all...& then w/ dom...i keep bringing up in my mind the pain he caused...of course i do not regret anything because i am so glad he is in my life...but at the same time i think about my decision then...the decision to stay by his side...& the paranoia & trauma it caused me...my blaming it on her & her stupidity & not finding fault in that...(not like w/ anna cuz i guess i don't "know" anna)...
i am also slightly angry & annoyed & sad at the fact that i don't talk to ben anymore...but at the same time i feel like i still have every right to be mad or at least annoyed he said that...& i didn't do some silent treatment like msot girls would i flat out told him. i got annoyed cuz you said this...i felt like it was rude...& maybe that is partly why i have thought about ken so much recently....
we were talking about some stuff & he said that ken did not take our relationship seriously & something on the lines of how he didn't care...& when i told him i didn't appreciate that he said "i thought you already knew that" & it made me even more mad....in reality...maybe now ti means nothing to him...but i know then he did care....at least a little...there was something in his eyes....
shit i don't want to be one of those ppl that is trying to convince themselves someone cared when they didn't....but i really think he did....i don't know.....forget it...i'm not gonna be dragged into some self pitying cycle....i will state...he cared then & that's a fact...now, may be a different issue but it doesn't matter now we aren't in each other's lives...
then there was this whole issue w/ work the previous week...i got sooooo angry probably because my patience w/ their ignorance & stupidity & short tempered attitudes were wearing extremely thin...
i wanted to quit right then & there & watch them beg me to stay....i seriously planned out my entire two week notice dealio & my explanation...
then i got my horoscope email for the day:
"Without an adversary, prowess shrivels." ~Seneca
Here is your forecast for Monday May 10, 2004.
Personal forecast
Knowing what you want, you are determined to get it. Although obstacles may appear, they make you stronger and more capable of achieving your desires. This is a good time to initiate a fundamental change in your life if you are ready for it or need it. Pursuing activities that encourage the _expression of your deepest urges empower you. Seek your passion-or seek to realize what your passion is.
trust me, i don't believe in horoscopes much but somethings they are right on the dot...especially this website...
it made me smile & i stopped hating then so much...in my anger, which stemmed from them, i was very rebellious & thinking more & more about my card company & how it would be real & i would make it real....& so in the end....their abusing me brought out the best in me, ironically. best in me as in what was best for me. it reminded me this is not what i want. this is why i go to school. this is why school is priority one. & this is why i want to actually do something i enjoy & love & am good at. where i am my own conductor...