spring break
so...spring break is gone...
what have i done?
i feel like i've done nothing...no thinking...no school work...no work til yesterday...not really hanging out & being superficially social...
nothing
but you know what? i think that's just what i needed...
the break started out w/ hanging out w/ dominic 2 days...then there was a huge fight with my mom in which i digressed 2-3 years in my thinking...i forgot why i never ended my life then...i forgot what i had to live for anymore..it was a long & depressing night...my mom had said things to me i knew would haunt me for the rest of my life & would come up everytime i got upset to bring myself even more down...i was pretty irritable the next day even though i had a talk with my mom & supposedly cleared thing up between us...i got mad at dominic for saying i was bad with words (he said he didn't mean it the way i put it or interpreted which is probably true) for some reason though it really got to me...i don't know if it was because phuong had been said to be "good with words" or if i didn't like being told that...or if i thought i was good with words...of course, like normal, it wasn't just one thing but probably the mixture of the first two...
i was never good with words...i knew that...
i've always probably made things sound more dramatic than it was...& in a way i've never been able to express myself fully...i could never find the right words...or the word would be at the tip of my tongue but then i'd forget it...
i remember that i always did well in my english classes in high school & i usually was one of the favorites...& then it hit me hard when in history class last year i was told my writing skills were poor...i couldn't really understand...but then again i guess i was never amazing at writing about history (ugh DBQ's) but it hurt to think i sucked at writing...i wondered if i always sucked or if i just got out of practice cuz i hadn't taken humanity classes...
i looked back at my old work & i thought they were good...i read my stuff now & i think i've gotten worse...but it has to entirely to do with the subject too...if i'm incredibly interested i will really work hard on the paper & my thoughts will come through...like my mythology paper...i remember that bad boy haha...i did really well on it...because i LOVED the material...i wrote about how in reality all the women held all the power in greek mythology...
i guess maybe it was just a personal fear of being flat out told my writing sucked...because i see it as a weakness i'm not proud of
anyways...i didn't mean to go into it that much
i spent one day w/ high school friends & another hiking w/ ranwei...
the day w/ high school friends made me remember everything...what i mean is...in the same group...in the same hanging out situation..we all fell straight into our roles in the group...no matter what change we had undergone in college..it didn't matter...we all were the same people around each other in a group...i was mostly quiet & occasionally dropping a sarcastic remark....gloria was easy to make fun of & made silly comments...audrey seemed annoyed w/ gloria all the time & otherwise giddish...maheen...quiet with random comments about something she thought was cool...& ranwei was a bit more talkative but still the same as well...
the hike w/ ranwei was fun...we had a definite heart to heart convo...we normally do when we are alone...in a way, it reminded me of what david said...i complain & complain about my superficial high school friends...but are they really? did i really try to open up to them giving them the chance to be more?....& i remember him saying "isn't it weird when you realize your life is really not as bad as you think?"
anyways..i also dug in my past...& it didn't hurt...at all in fact...it was just the opposite it brought me smiles & memories..i found my old poems (including one i wrote for my friend back in the day to thank him for all the things he had done for me & my life) & i saw some things i had saved from my relationship with adam & i sorta got sad i didn't talk to him anymore...i wrote down his contact info & brought it w/ me to berkeley...
i have never really dug into that relationship even in my private blog...perhaps because i know i was in one of the worst places in my life at the time & it all doesn't make sense to me now why i did it...all the things i did...oy...very spontaneous behavior that was all about giving into what felt right to me at the time...yea..bad times...
so i emailed him today...it came back as a wrong address but i remembered he had both an yahoo & hotmail account so i emailed the other & it got thru...he replied back...in a very polite manner...i was surprised & happy at the same time...i felt like i had just been cleansed of things i had done..i was continuing the writing of a story i had cut off years ago....it felt good...
& i'm glad to be in so much of a better place in my life...yea i get down a lot...but in reality my life is great right now...i'm in college...i have a job..i'm working towards my motorcycle...i only have a few close friends but at least i have them....a buncha aquintances...starting to become more aggressive & understanding & beginning to grasp at what i want for myself....
in my profile i had posted the lyrics to "swing swing" by all american rejects
"Swing swing from the tangles of
My heart is crushed by a former love
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again?"
& this person messaged me with
your answers are right in front of you. You'll find a way to carry on within yourself.
i found those to be the perfect words...
you always start with yourself...i need to remind myself over & over...