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C is for...candor
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Tuesday, 4 May 2004

can someone just kill me now....

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:35 AM PDT
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Sunday, 25 April 2004

"Turn around, and you will see that happiness is the shadow right behind you." ~Felipe Villaespesa

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 5:35 PM PDT
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Thursday, 22 April 2004

"Better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not."
~Andre Gide

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:35 AM PDT
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Tuesday, 30 March 2004
tag! you're it!
i walked into the school a bit late. i signed in & walked to the place where the kids usually do homework. it was locked. confused, i walked outside & i realized i recognized some of the kids & i found out from another volunteer it was play day. she said, "yea you can go play with the kids or watch or something"
i said, hesitantly, "ok"
i dreaded this a bit. everyone was already immersed into their games whether it be basketball or kickball or monkey bars etc. i walked around looking for some group of kids to play which. none seemed too inviting. i was about to just sit down & be a party pooper when i feel a tap on my arm
"tag! your're it!"
i look down & there's this smiling little kid that was about to bolt on me
i run after him & ask "who else is playing?"
"no one"
i smile.
i felt sorta special.
he probably saw me looking lost & was quite bored himself. i'm sure he didn't even have to think twice about just tagging me. no hesitation.
he'd keep changing the rules on me, but i didn't care. i thought it was even cuter...
then another boy came & joined us but got distracted by another game later on.
the first boy & i played til his mom came. she looked at me with grateful eyes & thanked me. he was still giggling as he left. i stood there with a smile i couldn't erase thinking you didn't have to thank me. it was my gain.
the rest of the time i sat watched 4 kids playing tin ball tag on the playground. then that 2nd boy came up to me asking me to play this game i haven't heard of. i began to play. he said he was in the world series of the game & he beat a 5th grader. it was adorable to see how proud he was of that fact.

as i was sitting there i saw this black porsche speed by with music blasting & this guy that looked like he THOUGHT he was hot stuff...& i was like oh gawd that's what these little boys will become? the horror...

i have only volunteered at emerson elementary like 3-4 times...but everytime the kids make me smile...where it just be them being themselves or a comment they make...

i remember the warnings from my friends saying i didn't have time for emerson..it was true i didn't...they said..you'll quit soon enough...
i did it anyway..i said i'll give it a chance..
the first day...at the end...the other regular volunteer said "ok now let's all thanks connie for coming!" & they all said in unison "thank you" & this random little kid just runs to me & gives me a huge hug
i was hooked...

makes me remember high school when i'd volunteer all the time...it wasn't for those stupid applications...i just loved doing it...i LOVED it it was giving into my purely always wanting to give side....& it felt great cuz i didn't have to think if i was doing the right thing or not..if i was giving too much...it was what i was SUPPOSED to do..i was allowed to be selfless with no questions asked...

i always knew that my ideal job was to be a mom...it was never something i questioned..& in a way i don't really know why that was...but being around kids & just knowing they make me feel so happy reminds me...their innocence, their default happiness, their energy, their curiousity, their eagerness to love....it's sort of how i've always stayed yet it's something i wish i could fully be...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:10 AM PST
Updated: Tuesday, 30 March 2004 12:15 AM PST
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Saturday, 27 March 2004
i won't ever get it
(written a couple of weeks ago but never posted)

no...the title almost implies as if i'm gonna complain the whole entry about how i never learn from my experiences (which i don't:T)...but that's not what i wanted to talk about...

after reading a friend's lj & my relationship with another friend...i realized that i will never "get" some people...

i remember having prided in myself in understanding most people...which may still be true because MOST people are simple....i will also "get" to a certain extent those that reflect myself merely from understanding how i work...

but within these two weeks i have found two extremely complicated people that will be hard to "get"....i can maybe see where they are coming from...or be understanding..but i won't understand...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:24 AM PST
Updated: Saturday, 27 March 2004 1:06 AM PST
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Friday, 26 March 2004
spring break
so...spring break is gone...

what have i done?

i feel like i've done nothing...no thinking...no school work...no work til yesterday...not really hanging out & being superficially social...

nothing

but you know what? i think that's just what i needed...

the break started out w/ hanging out w/ dominic 2 days...then there was a huge fight with my mom in which i digressed 2-3 years in my thinking...i forgot why i never ended my life then...i forgot what i had to live for anymore..it was a long & depressing night...my mom had said things to me i knew would haunt me for the rest of my life & would come up everytime i got upset to bring myself even more down...i was pretty irritable the next day even though i had a talk with my mom & supposedly cleared thing up between us...i got mad at dominic for saying i was bad with words (he said he didn't mean it the way i put it or interpreted which is probably true) for some reason though it really got to me...i don't know if it was because phuong had been said to be "good with words" or if i didn't like being told that...or if i thought i was good with words...of course, like normal, it wasn't just one thing but probably the mixture of the first two...

i was never good with words...i knew that...

i've always probably made things sound more dramatic than it was...& in a way i've never been able to express myself fully...i could never find the right words...or the word would be at the tip of my tongue but then i'd forget it...

i remember that i always did well in my english classes in high school & i usually was one of the favorites...& then it hit me hard when in history class last year i was told my writing skills were poor...i couldn't really understand...but then again i guess i was never amazing at writing about history (ugh DBQ's) but it hurt to think i sucked at writing...i wondered if i always sucked or if i just got out of practice cuz i hadn't taken humanity classes...

i looked back at my old work & i thought they were good...i read my stuff now & i think i've gotten worse...but it has to entirely to do with the subject too...if i'm incredibly interested i will really work hard on the paper & my thoughts will come through...like my mythology paper...i remember that bad boy haha...i did really well on it...because i LOVED the material...i wrote about how in reality all the women held all the power in greek mythology...

i guess maybe it was just a personal fear of being flat out told my writing sucked...because i see it as a weakness i'm not proud of

anyways...i didn't mean to go into it that much

i spent one day w/ high school friends & another hiking w/ ranwei...

the day w/ high school friends made me remember everything...what i mean is...in the same group...in the same hanging out situation..we all fell straight into our roles in the group...no matter what change we had undergone in college..it didn't matter...we all were the same people around each other in a group...i was mostly quiet & occasionally dropping a sarcastic remark....gloria was easy to make fun of & made silly comments...audrey seemed annoyed w/ gloria all the time & otherwise giddish...maheen...quiet with random comments about something she thought was cool...& ranwei was a bit more talkative but still the same as well...

the hike w/ ranwei was fun...we had a definite heart to heart convo...we normally do when we are alone...in a way, it reminded me of what david said...i complain & complain about my superficial high school friends...but are they really? did i really try to open up to them giving them the chance to be more?....& i remember him saying "isn't it weird when you realize your life is really not as bad as you think?"

anyways..i also dug in my past...& it didn't hurt...at all in fact...it was just the opposite it brought me smiles & memories..i found my old poems (including one i wrote for my friend back in the day to thank him for all the things he had done for me & my life) & i saw some things i had saved from my relationship with adam & i sorta got sad i didn't talk to him anymore...i wrote down his contact info & brought it w/ me to berkeley...

i have never really dug into that relationship even in my private blog...perhaps because i know i was in one of the worst places in my life at the time & it all doesn't make sense to me now why i did it...all the things i did...oy...very spontaneous behavior that was all about giving into what felt right to me at the time...yea..bad times...



so i emailed him today...it came back as a wrong address but i remembered he had both an yahoo & hotmail account so i emailed the other & it got thru...he replied back...in a very polite manner...i was surprised & happy at the same time...i felt like i had just been cleansed of things i had done..i was continuing the writing of a story i had cut off years ago....it felt good...

& i'm glad to be in so much of a better place in my life...yea i get down a lot...but in reality my life is great right now...i'm in college...i have a job..i'm working towards my motorcycle...i only have a few close friends but at least i have them....a buncha aquintances...starting to become more aggressive & understanding & beginning to grasp at what i want for myself....

in my profile i had posted the lyrics to "swing swing" by all american rejects

"Swing swing from the tangles of
My heart is crushed by a former love
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again?"


& this person messaged me with

your answers are right in front of you. You'll find a way to carry on within yourself.



i found those to be the perfect words...
you always start with yourself...i need to remind myself over & over...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 4:00 PM PST
Updated: Saturday, 27 March 2004 12:59 AM PST
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Monday, 22 March 2004
the bench
i was reading my xanga looking for that hero entry when i came across this...(2 separate entries)


10/02/03

i was walking to E77 lab today in a rush because i was last minute studying for my E120 midterm at 2 that day...since my discovery of a more less-walked & shady route to campus i never walked through sproul again...i don't know if it's the crowded-ness or saying no thank you to all the flyer hander outers (mainly religious & sorority & asian clubs for me) or if i'm just a hermit wanna-be...but anyways..that's besides the point...

i was walking...& i saw this girl sitting on a bench & from far away i just felt like something was not right...& as i walked by her she lifted her head & she was crying her face was a beat red & just had this confused frustration & talking on her cell phone i just wanted to go over there & pat her on the back & ask her if everything was ok & then i just looked forward trying not to look like i was staring & thought to myself...you can't save the world....you can only save yourself in your lifetime..maybe catching a few friends before they fall (i have a very visual image of that...) & i was like..that's so sad...i have always wanted to help ppl...help ppl feel better...but in reality i barely have enough time to keep myself in check & introspect....

i passed that bench twice later that day...the 1st time a guy was having a nice convo on his cell phone & the 2nd time a girl was lying on the bench resting w/ her cell phone & once again i thought about how it was better or worse cell phones have become so universal but that's another subject...i first was thinking..heh..they don't know a girl was crying her heart out on that bench this morning..no one cares...just another fish in the sea...

i even saw that girl later that day..it was weird...she wasn't crying but she just seemed emotionless...& she was on her phone but i guess it didn't go thru cuz then she furiously pressed buttons & put the phone back up to her ear & i just wanted to stop her & say "STOP! stop...stop calling on ppl...stop calling on friends...just stop & think...think about it yourself...what is wrong...look inward...venting may feel good for a while but it doesn't solve the problem...yes they can give you advice...but how well do they know you how well can they figure out the situation which has already been filtered thru by your own interpretation of the situation...only you can figure out the best solution...& figure things out...

& then it was borderline weird when i finished reading dom's live journal today & there was an entry that totally talked about this topic...heh...weird how we think alike sometimes...

i have to admit i was thinking about what dom had said about spiderman after i thought what i thought...innocent ppl or the one you love...i'm thinking i am only capable of choosing the one i love just cuz i don't have the ability to help everyone...i think i need to get that thru my head...everyone that needs help i'm drawn to them incredibly...i guess i do draw in drama...bah

10/03/03

i think i've become obsessed w/ watching that bench day to day...

yesterday i saw it just miss the patch of sun & today it caught it & it was perfect being the cold windy day it was...someone was reading on it...it always brings a smile to my face....

it is very oddly placed i have come to notice...it's in the middle of a bunch of bushes & it's the only bench sitting there...it's even missing one of it's little wooden backbones...

i see the armrest as it's arms reaching out...

waiting....waiting for the next student to find shelter in its embrace

it's is so lonely otherwise...


Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:21 AM PST
Updated: Monday, 22 March 2004 12:31 AM PST
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hero
i was in crepevine w/ audrey (omg a bite of that siena[fresh strawberry & nutella crepe w/ fresh whipped cream & REAL french vanilla ice cream w/ specks of vanilla bean seeds] & i'm reminded of why i was obsessed w/ that place but that's besides the point) so i hear "hero" by mariah carey...it catches both our ears at the same time & audrey says "i haven't heard that song in so long" & i had a sudden flashback to when i last heard that song..it was in daruma(before it closed:( *sadness* ) as i was waiting for my take out teriyaki chicken...i remember taking off my headphones so as not to seem rude to the guy standing at the register...my food seemed to take a while & i stood facing the wall & the song came on...i listened & i began to tear up...i was going through my dominic crisis at the time...i was so lost then...(not that i'm not now) but at the time i felt like i had no where to turn & i did not know what i wanted...ironically it made me more depressed than anything...i remember coming home & looking up the lyrics...i posted it on my xanga...now i'll post it here...because it very much fits my current mode...my mission: independence

i was so distraught w/ a personal disappointment recently...but not so much by the actual incident...but the fact that it made me remember all these things from my past & stirred something within me...dom reminded me that right now i didn't need anyone...i just needed to better me...i didn't need a relationship...in fact i didn't need many of my current friends...because they're weren't really my friends (as i have come to realize more & more w/ each encounter) i am very much alone in this bettering of me..yes i will always have the support of dominic & the such...but it is all on me in the end...it is my job to make me happy...it is & should always be my sole concern...(hell it's everyone else's i just need to adjust myself so i do that too)



HERO
mariah carey

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

[Chorus:]
And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear

[Chorus]

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
You'll find the way

[Chorus]

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:16 AM PST
Updated: Monday, 22 March 2004 12:33 AM PST
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Saturday, 13 March 2004
i did it....
today was fine til my mom yelled at me over something completely stupid...jury duty & my attitude related...

i lost it from there...

carl told me that jaime, the chicago guy, didn't write that rap song...it didn't faze me...i guess i expected something like that...

but after my mom's yelling..it crept out again & made me mad...

dominic was on the phone...he comforted me..he did ok...but he's starting to lose his ability to make me feel better...

i think because carl & i were talking about him the whole time online too...& i was bothered by the things dominic did to me...

then later i called chanda to ask what she was up to...she told me to ignore him...

i don't know why i'm holding on anymore...

then she said something about how everyone lies to me...i got defense & annoyed at her...yes...people have lied to me...but i'd like to think they don't all lie to me all the time...(could go into that but not in the mood)

then i did it...

i erased him...any way for him to contact me

like i erased yoshi...

& the others...or how they erased me...

online, his away was still "sorry..."

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:21 PM PST
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Wednesday, 10 March 2004
that feeling...
(i wrote this entry on paper today as i sat on a grove among trees on campus...i will only type up the first two sentences so i do not embarrass myself or others with what i have written)

that feeling of innocent giddiness...

that feeling you get from another like you've never been left, never been hurt, never shed tears, never been scarred...




that friend left me a message telling me he was going back to chicago tonight to see her grave & that he's sorry for what he's put me thru...& when he came back he wishes i will forgive him...

i know i will...there will never be a doubt about my ever-restoring belief in second/third/etc... chances....



i am in a great mood...
(in that sense i love how i'm made up of opposites...complicated yet simple...)
how a little thing can light up my world like it has...i sound like such a simple person...


ooooh & i opened my savings account for my ka-whee! i am almost there....

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 4:43 PM PST
Updated: Wednesday, 10 March 2004 5:11 PM PST
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