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Saturday, 27 March 2004
i won't ever get it
(written a couple of weeks ago but never posted)

no...the title almost implies as if i'm gonna complain the whole entry about how i never learn from my experiences (which i don't:T)...but that's not what i wanted to talk about...

after reading a friend's lj & my relationship with another friend...i realized that i will never "get" some people...

i remember having prided in myself in understanding most people...which may still be true because MOST people are simple....i will also "get" to a certain extent those that reflect myself merely from understanding how i work...

but within these two weeks i have found two extremely complicated people that will be hard to "get"....i can maybe see where they are coming from...or be understanding..but i won't understand...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:24 AM PST
Updated: Saturday, 27 March 2004 1:06 AM PST
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Friday, 26 March 2004
spring break
so...spring break is gone...

what have i done?

i feel like i've done nothing...no thinking...no school work...no work til yesterday...not really hanging out & being superficially social...

nothing

but you know what? i think that's just what i needed...

the break started out w/ hanging out w/ dominic 2 days...then there was a huge fight with my mom in which i digressed 2-3 years in my thinking...i forgot why i never ended my life then...i forgot what i had to live for anymore..it was a long & depressing night...my mom had said things to me i knew would haunt me for the rest of my life & would come up everytime i got upset to bring myself even more down...i was pretty irritable the next day even though i had a talk with my mom & supposedly cleared thing up between us...i got mad at dominic for saying i was bad with words (he said he didn't mean it the way i put it or interpreted which is probably true) for some reason though it really got to me...i don't know if it was because phuong had been said to be "good with words" or if i didn't like being told that...or if i thought i was good with words...of course, like normal, it wasn't just one thing but probably the mixture of the first two...

i was never good with words...i knew that...

i've always probably made things sound more dramatic than it was...& in a way i've never been able to express myself fully...i could never find the right words...or the word would be at the tip of my tongue but then i'd forget it...

i remember that i always did well in my english classes in high school & i usually was one of the favorites...& then it hit me hard when in history class last year i was told my writing skills were poor...i couldn't really understand...but then again i guess i was never amazing at writing about history (ugh DBQ's) but it hurt to think i sucked at writing...i wondered if i always sucked or if i just got out of practice cuz i hadn't taken humanity classes...

i looked back at my old work & i thought they were good...i read my stuff now & i think i've gotten worse...but it has to entirely to do with the subject too...if i'm incredibly interested i will really work hard on the paper & my thoughts will come through...like my mythology paper...i remember that bad boy haha...i did really well on it...because i LOVED the material...i wrote about how in reality all the women held all the power in greek mythology...

i guess maybe it was just a personal fear of being flat out told my writing sucked...because i see it as a weakness i'm not proud of

anyways...i didn't mean to go into it that much

i spent one day w/ high school friends & another hiking w/ ranwei...

the day w/ high school friends made me remember everything...what i mean is...in the same group...in the same hanging out situation..we all fell straight into our roles in the group...no matter what change we had undergone in college..it didn't matter...we all were the same people around each other in a group...i was mostly quiet & occasionally dropping a sarcastic remark....gloria was easy to make fun of & made silly comments...audrey seemed annoyed w/ gloria all the time & otherwise giddish...maheen...quiet with random comments about something she thought was cool...& ranwei was a bit more talkative but still the same as well...

the hike w/ ranwei was fun...we had a definite heart to heart convo...we normally do when we are alone...in a way, it reminded me of what david said...i complain & complain about my superficial high school friends...but are they really? did i really try to open up to them giving them the chance to be more?....& i remember him saying "isn't it weird when you realize your life is really not as bad as you think?"

anyways..i also dug in my past...& it didn't hurt...at all in fact...it was just the opposite it brought me smiles & memories..i found my old poems (including one i wrote for my friend back in the day to thank him for all the things he had done for me & my life) & i saw some things i had saved from my relationship with adam & i sorta got sad i didn't talk to him anymore...i wrote down his contact info & brought it w/ me to berkeley...

i have never really dug into that relationship even in my private blog...perhaps because i know i was in one of the worst places in my life at the time & it all doesn't make sense to me now why i did it...all the things i did...oy...very spontaneous behavior that was all about giving into what felt right to me at the time...yea..bad times...



so i emailed him today...it came back as a wrong address but i remembered he had both an yahoo & hotmail account so i emailed the other & it got thru...he replied back...in a very polite manner...i was surprised & happy at the same time...i felt like i had just been cleansed of things i had done..i was continuing the writing of a story i had cut off years ago....it felt good...

& i'm glad to be in so much of a better place in my life...yea i get down a lot...but in reality my life is great right now...i'm in college...i have a job..i'm working towards my motorcycle...i only have a few close friends but at least i have them....a buncha aquintances...starting to become more aggressive & understanding & beginning to grasp at what i want for myself....

in my profile i had posted the lyrics to "swing swing" by all american rejects

"Swing swing from the tangles of
My heart is crushed by a former love
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again?"


& this person messaged me with

your answers are right in front of you. You'll find a way to carry on within yourself.



i found those to be the perfect words...
you always start with yourself...i need to remind myself over & over...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 4:00 PM PST
Updated: Saturday, 27 March 2004 12:59 AM PST
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Monday, 22 March 2004
the bench
i was reading my xanga looking for that hero entry when i came across this...(2 separate entries)


10/02/03

i was walking to E77 lab today in a rush because i was last minute studying for my E120 midterm at 2 that day...since my discovery of a more less-walked & shady route to campus i never walked through sproul again...i don't know if it's the crowded-ness or saying no thank you to all the flyer hander outers (mainly religious & sorority & asian clubs for me) or if i'm just a hermit wanna-be...but anyways..that's besides the point...

i was walking...& i saw this girl sitting on a bench & from far away i just felt like something was not right...& as i walked by her she lifted her head & she was crying her face was a beat red & just had this confused frustration & talking on her cell phone i just wanted to go over there & pat her on the back & ask her if everything was ok & then i just looked forward trying not to look like i was staring & thought to myself...you can't save the world....you can only save yourself in your lifetime..maybe catching a few friends before they fall (i have a very visual image of that...) & i was like..that's so sad...i have always wanted to help ppl...help ppl feel better...but in reality i barely have enough time to keep myself in check & introspect....

i passed that bench twice later that day...the 1st time a guy was having a nice convo on his cell phone & the 2nd time a girl was lying on the bench resting w/ her cell phone & once again i thought about how it was better or worse cell phones have become so universal but that's another subject...i first was thinking..heh..they don't know a girl was crying her heart out on that bench this morning..no one cares...just another fish in the sea...

i even saw that girl later that day..it was weird...she wasn't crying but she just seemed emotionless...& she was on her phone but i guess it didn't go thru cuz then she furiously pressed buttons & put the phone back up to her ear & i just wanted to stop her & say "STOP! stop...stop calling on ppl...stop calling on friends...just stop & think...think about it yourself...what is wrong...look inward...venting may feel good for a while but it doesn't solve the problem...yes they can give you advice...but how well do they know you how well can they figure out the situation which has already been filtered thru by your own interpretation of the situation...only you can figure out the best solution...& figure things out...

& then it was borderline weird when i finished reading dom's live journal today & there was an entry that totally talked about this topic...heh...weird how we think alike sometimes...

i have to admit i was thinking about what dom had said about spiderman after i thought what i thought...innocent ppl or the one you love...i'm thinking i am only capable of choosing the one i love just cuz i don't have the ability to help everyone...i think i need to get that thru my head...everyone that needs help i'm drawn to them incredibly...i guess i do draw in drama...bah

10/03/03

i think i've become obsessed w/ watching that bench day to day...

yesterday i saw it just miss the patch of sun & today it caught it & it was perfect being the cold windy day it was...someone was reading on it...it always brings a smile to my face....

it is very oddly placed i have come to notice...it's in the middle of a bunch of bushes & it's the only bench sitting there...it's even missing one of it's little wooden backbones...

i see the armrest as it's arms reaching out...

waiting....waiting for the next student to find shelter in its embrace

it's is so lonely otherwise...


Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:21 AM PST
Updated: Monday, 22 March 2004 12:31 AM PST
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hero
i was in crepevine w/ audrey (omg a bite of that siena[fresh strawberry & nutella crepe w/ fresh whipped cream & REAL french vanilla ice cream w/ specks of vanilla bean seeds] & i'm reminded of why i was obsessed w/ that place but that's besides the point) so i hear "hero" by mariah carey...it catches both our ears at the same time & audrey says "i haven't heard that song in so long" & i had a sudden flashback to when i last heard that song..it was in daruma(before it closed:( *sadness* ) as i was waiting for my take out teriyaki chicken...i remember taking off my headphones so as not to seem rude to the guy standing at the register...my food seemed to take a while & i stood facing the wall & the song came on...i listened & i began to tear up...i was going through my dominic crisis at the time...i was so lost then...(not that i'm not now) but at the time i felt like i had no where to turn & i did not know what i wanted...ironically it made me more depressed than anything...i remember coming home & looking up the lyrics...i posted it on my xanga...now i'll post it here...because it very much fits my current mode...my mission: independence

i was so distraught w/ a personal disappointment recently...but not so much by the actual incident...but the fact that it made me remember all these things from my past & stirred something within me...dom reminded me that right now i didn't need anyone...i just needed to better me...i didn't need a relationship...in fact i didn't need many of my current friends...because they're weren't really my friends (as i have come to realize more & more w/ each encounter) i am very much alone in this bettering of me..yes i will always have the support of dominic & the such...but it is all on me in the end...it is my job to make me happy...it is & should always be my sole concern...(hell it's everyone else's i just need to adjust myself so i do that too)



HERO
mariah carey

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

[Chorus:]
And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear

[Chorus]

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
You'll find the way

[Chorus]

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:16 AM PST
Updated: Monday, 22 March 2004 12:33 AM PST
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Saturday, 13 March 2004
i did it....
today was fine til my mom yelled at me over something completely stupid...jury duty & my attitude related...

i lost it from there...

carl told me that jaime, the chicago guy, didn't write that rap song...it didn't faze me...i guess i expected something like that...

but after my mom's yelling..it crept out again & made me mad...

dominic was on the phone...he comforted me..he did ok...but he's starting to lose his ability to make me feel better...

i think because carl & i were talking about him the whole time online too...& i was bothered by the things dominic did to me...

then later i called chanda to ask what she was up to...she told me to ignore him...

i don't know why i'm holding on anymore...

then she said something about how everyone lies to me...i got defense & annoyed at her...yes...people have lied to me...but i'd like to think they don't all lie to me all the time...(could go into that but not in the mood)

then i did it...

i erased him...any way for him to contact me

like i erased yoshi...

& the others...or how they erased me...

online, his away was still "sorry..."

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:21 PM PST
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Wednesday, 10 March 2004
that feeling...
(i wrote this entry on paper today as i sat on a grove among trees on campus...i will only type up the first two sentences so i do not embarrass myself or others with what i have written)

that feeling of innocent giddiness...

that feeling you get from another like you've never been left, never been hurt, never shed tears, never been scarred...




that friend left me a message telling me he was going back to chicago tonight to see her grave & that he's sorry for what he's put me thru...& when he came back he wishes i will forgive him...

i know i will...there will never be a doubt about my ever-restoring belief in second/third/etc... chances....



i am in a great mood...
(in that sense i love how i'm made up of opposites...complicated yet simple...)
how a little thing can light up my world like it has...i sound like such a simple person...


ooooh & i opened my savings account for my ka-whee! i am almost there....

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 4:43 PM PST
Updated: Wednesday, 10 March 2004 5:11 PM PST
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aew builnc hfedialwocnshf
WTF did i do to deserve this...oh yes....cursed with the freaking trait of being NICE....WTF is this shit.....

i want to punch a wall....relieve this anger....so the only thing i can freaking do is bang on the keys of the keyboard....

GAWDDDDDD DAMNKMFESAFO:IESH F:IOhao;wirehfio;aewr

i can't even express my anger at the moment...i'm not calm enough......

so that guy...he came to me & said he couldn't drop the subject...he still wanted my friendship...i accepted it...like i always do...

it was fine til i came home from work & he said something on the lines of how girls don't want to cuddle or kiss him or something & so i said if that was an indicator of self worth i'd be worth nothing...& he said i mean nothing? & i said what do you mean we're friends & he said...i said i liked you as more, YOU said friends...& he proceeded to say fine be like everyone else i'm leaving...& i was pissed off cuz i NEVER can accept being just bunched with "them" cuz i'm far from..not saying i'm better...i'm just not "them"...i got annoyed & i said so what if i did say yes let's be more you still would've pushed me away...& he said you're assuming..which i know i was...but he was also assuming i was "them"....i started saying that he had no right to lash out at me because i didn't DO anything to him...i had never DONE anything to him...i shouldn't have to ever be at the butt of his anger...he said he was angry at more than just me yesterday night & i got the easy end of it & i said well i shouldn't have to deal with ANY of it cuz i didn't do anything to cause it...i had no control over it....he didn't care/got annoyed...& left with a "bye"

i was left to vent in this thing...& now i'm fine...for now

why do i always put up with ppl i call "friends" that put me down...

a drunk chris telling me i'm fat or ugly or some crap....yoshi calling me everything that could possibly hurt my feelings....& now more of this...greeeeeeeeeat

dominic is sooo right...i need to surround myself with more uplifting ppl....everyone around me is depressed & pull me down w/ them & i let them lash out at me...for things i NEVER did...wth is this...

why after all this...i'm still the same...i still forgive...i still trust....i still have faith in ppl...i'm still nice...i still have hope that people will learn..........they never do

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:11 AM PST
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Tuesday, 9 March 2004
spazzy furball
(he started running on the wrong side of the hamster wheel again like he did in the store)

"see? that's what he's good at & even though he was in a different place he still found it," said dominic.

"even though it took him a long time," i said.

"he found it in the end...."



dominic & i had that long conversation yet again...
about me finding my happiness & me honing in on what i'm good at...although i soaked it up...i was still skeptical & that's probably why we have this same conversation over & over again...

last night i was crying..& i couldn't really explain it...but i knew it was all the same things plus a few extra...

this new person i had befriended & i hung out for the first time on sunday night...we went to ranch 99 & we bought things to make soba noodle soup & my bbq pork mmmmm & other yummy things like mochi...we came home made it & watched food network & cartoon network...went to coldstone..made friends w/ the guy behind the counter who gave us a discount as a result...came back..(this is a little out of order) he taped to the wall the tomato chips label which he made me buy cuz the tomato dude on it was cute. anywho...all was fine...he sort of flipped out on me though & left abruptly...i didn't think much of it at the time..

the next day (yesterday) he told me "i was too good for him" & i said "i just want to be friends" & he said "even for that" & i didn't understand until he finally said "ok you want it straight up? the way you talk, the way you act, everything, even the way your hair falls reminds me of alicia" (alicia being his gf that had died) i asked him if it was because he was scared of being happy again...he said no...but then he said everytime i'm happy something bad happens & brings me down...which actually answers yes to my question...i said well maybe we can talk & not hang out so i don't really remind him of her...he started getting hostile but for some reason i wasn't letting go...i asked him to tell me what he wanted me to do because in the end it's up to him...he asked me what i wanted...i said if things were always up to me i would still be friends with everyone i was ever friends w/...but things never turn out that way...so he left the first time saying he didn't know...while he was away online i left a message saying "look what you did! now i'm always saying 'i'll stab you' to my friends because of you" & when he came back he simply said "so?" & i said "i'm just saying" & he said "so am i"...so i asked him if he was purposely trying to drive me away by being cold..he said maybe subconciously...& he proceeded to be mean to me so i said...i'm not going to stick around & just be abused by you...& he said "leave already" which i think hurt something inside...maybe it was deeper than just this...maybe it was how so many ppl just left me hanging...& a few cases i left them...but because i feared them leaving me first...but in the end it doesn't matter...either way leaves me with the same pain....i was leaving him as a friend but because he had already left & there was nothing i could do...like ken....yes i dumped him..but he had left emotionally already...he left me....anyways it triggered something in me & i started to cry (i was on the phone w/ dom the whole time) dom proceeded to comfort me & did not see why i was crying over something so little...at the time i wasn't sure either....

last night & then this morning i kept looking at his aways...i finally deleted his name from my buddy list cuz i felt that was healtiest for me...like i have erased so many others from my life...because they chose to leave....like i said if i had it my way...i'd still be friends w/ everyone...even ken..hell even yoshi....i don't like the thought of having someone completely change me but then not being present in my life now.......but anywho...i totally skipped class to study...& now i'm not studying...back to the books

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:47 AM PST
Updated: Tuesday, 9 March 2004 11:52 AM PST
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Monday, 8 March 2004
slipping
i feel myself falling...

i lost my grip this time....

looking thru profiles for inspiration...

"there is no point
in working hard
if you do not
believe in yourself."

i don't really know what has gotten into me...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:53 PM PST
Updated: Monday, 8 March 2004 11:54 PM PST
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Wednesday, 3 March 2004
mci commercial
"you treat me better than i treat myself...how sweet it is to be loved by you"

reminds me of dominic...nearer the beginning...

i think i asked him "what are you doing?" when he was right in front of me he said "i'm with connie" & i asked "who is this connie?" & he said "she's this great selfless person that takes cares of others more than she cares for herself & that's why that's my job...& i love it"

no..not saying this cuz it made me sad...

i'm saying this cuz it made me smile...

besides after di's gift nothing's gonna bring me down :) whee!

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:49 PM PST
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