redefinition: independence
(i started this entry on paper on 2/23 but then i ended up writing on the same paper before each class throughout the week so now i type it up...)
today is my birthday. not such a big deal. so i'm a year older. doesn't actually mean i'm a year wiser. or even a year closer to my end...the meaning? there really isn't one. but i know every year in my heart i expect something to come of it. a big celebration. or something of the sort (i guess cuz i try to do that for others). but i have always come to fill myself with low expectations because i fea disappointment. i found most people don't remember & the few that do don't really do that sorta thing. but that's where it's all about the mind & how i want to interpret it. i guess in that sense my mind is good. i feel special when people even remember. when they bother to say "happy birthday" i get giddy at least in my heart & it's just an extra giddiness & excitement if they give me a present.
last night, dominic came up to throw a personal pre-personal celebration. i was more grateful than he's ever know. i felt like crying because i was so touched & felt so happy. he gave me a model mini & a ducati bike model (which i named plucky because he said they were called ducks & this one was black) he gave me a card w/ the best message i could ask for:) he said he wanted to be there when i said i got my mini & bike & that he'd definitely be there for the real thing & he told me if i ever lost view of what i was working for, to look at those. maybe it was my emotional instability or maybe it was the first time i was being truthful to myself, but i had the greatest urge to say those three words. so, thank you dominic.
i spent the day doing stats in chanda's apt. at night, audrey, maheen, & chanda gave me my gift & slice of cake. then, chanda & audrey & i went to get my free birthday gelato & watched eurotrip.
when i got home, i was a bit bitter. my mom was angry she couldn't find me & then i went online to check my email & a depressed chris wanted me to lend an ear. i found myself getting annoyed because i felt like i was unable to help except offer idealistic advice...& then i realized i was in no place to help anyone...because i had not yet helped myself...this reminded me of a few things...one, when david kang had said that day when helping me sort thru my issues..."i gain more from helping you than you are probably gaining from my help"...which i found incredibly true & two, there were many a days in my life where i just walked on campus as an emotionless body & i saw ppl i just wanted to ask "are you ok?" (like they're be crying on a bench or like looking really hurt)...i had to force myself to walk on & repeatedly remind myself "you can't save everyone" & that i had to save myself first.
i guess this is where this whole public blog thing gets me antsy because i don't want to offend yet i want to say the truth...so the first paragraph was always true...up until this year...for some reason i grew angry & bitter...especially during & after my birthday...last year i broke up with ken a couple of days before my birthday & i seemed to find comfort in any sort of company so i was content spending the day sitting in audrey & chanda's dorm room, eating cake audrey had made, & watching tv. this year, i think in wanting to forget the past i expected mroe simply to get my mind off the matter. wednesday, at work, i randomly remembered when ken would call on his break at work & he wouldn't say anything. he'd just eat & i'd pick up & hear him eating & it'd always make me smile. i would just sit there listening & keeping him company. sometimes he'd respond with his mouth full & i'd laugh to myself. i was angry that i still thought of him & i knew this would lead to more crying later in the night. but i was glad that i didn't regret & i would always hold good thoughts of him. this wasn't really what has made me bitter & angry the whole week though. it was the fact that besides dominic, no one relaly seemed to care about my birthday (i realize that sounds so childish & that's why i proceed to explain)...it wasn't that that was wrong but it dawned on me for the millionth time that i gave too much. i remembered all the things i did for people on their birthdays & how i would never forget the day that was a celebration of their life. i went out of my way for many people to make sure they felt special that day...& besides dominic & maybe jon (HAHA) no one can i say really tried...(i remind all this is not targetted at anyone but merely my own realization...again...like so many times before aka the senior prom fiasco) i got angry at ben h (what can i saw, we fight like siblings all the time) but i was merely making him a scapegoat (not that he wasn't at fault too hahahha) i told dominic about my anger & he told me something his mom said "good people are hard to find" (ok to those that are easily offended, this is, i repeat, not to say you all aren't good people..the definition of good i take in this case are ppl that think of others sorta like i do...all the time...ALL the time. i sacrifice my own happiness & sanity in exchange for others') <--[these are the things i have to say cuz it's a public blog beh] i just expected those that i consider good friends to at least make that effort. like, chanda was so secretive i thought something fun would happen. but it was mereley as to when to give me my gift. there wasn't going to be dinner cuz maheen couldn't go & there might be a movie late night so maheen could go (she ended up not going cuz she had to study for midterms which i would normally understand but they both were later in the week not the next day & one was a pass/not pass class..which bothered me...like just 2 hrs would make a huuuuuuge difference) & then i knew about all the "surprises" because chanda stopped trying to hide them from me. so, it was just a matter of them happening & it was like a 20 minute gift opening, blowing out candle thing during which the whole time they talked about maheen's birthday (friday) & discussed when to give her her gift & then when we got gelato it was just us walking there, getting my free birthday gelato, & then chanda wanted coldstone & tried to get a free one cuz it was my bday as if that was all i was good for---free birthday perks. all before the movie started it was complaining about how much work they had to do & how they couldn't do it cuz it was MY birthday & they were out with me...audrey then "blamed" my birthday for her excess workload later that week...YES 2 hrs did all that...
i admit. it was a bunch of little stupid things but they weaved together into making me feel like nothing & a mere obligation they had to attend to cuz they HAD to...not only do i never want to be a burden...more importantly, i should've never been taht to start with...these are people i call my friends...& that's just sad
hell..today...it's maheen's bday...we had to find a way to give maheen her gift...& chanda was like yea i talked to her & we want to do it at 12 & i was like i have class...& chanda knew that..i think she expected me to not go...i got annoyed cuz i was thinking how can you assume or expect me not to go to class when we're revolving around both your guys' schedules...why do I have to do the compromising...so we ended up going at 2:15 about...& when we got there...i was fine but sorta just ignoring them cuz they were blabbing away & i wasn't really in the mood to be all superficial & talk about tv...so they read the card...they loved the card cuz of just that...the card...that chanda definitely pointed out she picked out...& i had written a huge long poem i thought was cute...it was read but left unappreciated...i wanted to scream...her picking out a card was so much more entertaining than something i actually put thought into?...that's just great...LOVE it....
(i always make maheen cards every year..since i think jr year...always wrote her rhyming poems & this was the one i wrote for this year)
now it's for your annual rhyme
but now it will take more time
because i've used many an easy word
& many lines you've already heard
no matter, i will make this poem unique
so much that my poem career will be at it's peak
so when we saw this card we thought of you
& how you were such a minimalist too
& also how you seem to love everything you get
so over your present, we will never fret
this year, very early we began
for your gift, we did plan
you always wanted your apt for us to decorate
so on that note, we started to concentrate
we bought some stuff
& the process was rough
after the first one, we felt unqualified
& we assured each other w/ "uh yea it looks good"'s to boost our pride
in the end, we were happy with it overall
i mean, what cooler thing to put on your wall
the other half of your present is so you can see
many movies w/out a fee
in the end though, presents matter not
what means the most is the friendship we've got!
the memories we cherish
the laughs that will never perish
with all our love, we just wanted to say
have a happy 19th birthday
(she's a year younger & that's why 19...& we painted her color-themed paintings for her wall & got her movie gift certificates & the thing had little pictures to accompany each line)
ANYWAYS
the title of this entry...when i was talking to harm, i realized i was in a constant cycle of redefining myself..& that's a part of life...what i mean by redefinition is not saying i'm always changing but sometimes change of thought, realizations, & most importantly, redefining goals. goals as in shorter term. dreams don't change...
& for now...my goal is independence...this encompasses confidence & "bettering" of myself...everything else i want will follow...