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C is for...candor
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Saturday, 13 March 2004
i did it....
today was fine til my mom yelled at me over something completely stupid...jury duty & my attitude related...

i lost it from there...

carl told me that jaime, the chicago guy, didn't write that rap song...it didn't faze me...i guess i expected something like that...

but after my mom's yelling..it crept out again & made me mad...

dominic was on the phone...he comforted me..he did ok...but he's starting to lose his ability to make me feel better...

i think because carl & i were talking about him the whole time online too...& i was bothered by the things dominic did to me...

then later i called chanda to ask what she was up to...she told me to ignore him...

i don't know why i'm holding on anymore...

then she said something about how everyone lies to me...i got defense & annoyed at her...yes...people have lied to me...but i'd like to think they don't all lie to me all the time...(could go into that but not in the mood)

then i did it...

i erased him...any way for him to contact me

like i erased yoshi...

& the others...or how they erased me...

online, his away was still "sorry..."

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:21 PM PST
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Wednesday, 10 March 2004
that feeling...
(i wrote this entry on paper today as i sat on a grove among trees on campus...i will only type up the first two sentences so i do not embarrass myself or others with what i have written)

that feeling of innocent giddiness...

that feeling you get from another like you've never been left, never been hurt, never shed tears, never been scarred...




that friend left me a message telling me he was going back to chicago tonight to see her grave & that he's sorry for what he's put me thru...& when he came back he wishes i will forgive him...

i know i will...there will never be a doubt about my ever-restoring belief in second/third/etc... chances....



i am in a great mood...
(in that sense i love how i'm made up of opposites...complicated yet simple...)
how a little thing can light up my world like it has...i sound like such a simple person...


ooooh & i opened my savings account for my ka-whee! i am almost there....

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 4:43 PM PST
Updated: Wednesday, 10 March 2004 5:11 PM PST
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aew builnc hfedialwocnshf
WTF did i do to deserve this...oh yes....cursed with the freaking trait of being NICE....WTF is this shit.....

i want to punch a wall....relieve this anger....so the only thing i can freaking do is bang on the keys of the keyboard....

GAWDDDDDD DAMNKMFESAFO:IESH F:IOhao;wirehfio;aewr

i can't even express my anger at the moment...i'm not calm enough......

so that guy...he came to me & said he couldn't drop the subject...he still wanted my friendship...i accepted it...like i always do...

it was fine til i came home from work & he said something on the lines of how girls don't want to cuddle or kiss him or something & so i said if that was an indicator of self worth i'd be worth nothing...& he said i mean nothing? & i said what do you mean we're friends & he said...i said i liked you as more, YOU said friends...& he proceeded to say fine be like everyone else i'm leaving...& i was pissed off cuz i NEVER can accept being just bunched with "them" cuz i'm far from..not saying i'm better...i'm just not "them"...i got annoyed & i said so what if i did say yes let's be more you still would've pushed me away...& he said you're assuming..which i know i was...but he was also assuming i was "them"....i started saying that he had no right to lash out at me because i didn't DO anything to him...i had never DONE anything to him...i shouldn't have to ever be at the butt of his anger...he said he was angry at more than just me yesterday night & i got the easy end of it & i said well i shouldn't have to deal with ANY of it cuz i didn't do anything to cause it...i had no control over it....he didn't care/got annoyed...& left with a "bye"

i was left to vent in this thing...& now i'm fine...for now

why do i always put up with ppl i call "friends" that put me down...

a drunk chris telling me i'm fat or ugly or some crap....yoshi calling me everything that could possibly hurt my feelings....& now more of this...greeeeeeeeeat

dominic is sooo right...i need to surround myself with more uplifting ppl....everyone around me is depressed & pull me down w/ them & i let them lash out at me...for things i NEVER did...wth is this...

why after all this...i'm still the same...i still forgive...i still trust....i still have faith in ppl...i'm still nice...i still have hope that people will learn..........they never do

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:11 AM PST
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Tuesday, 9 March 2004
spazzy furball
(he started running on the wrong side of the hamster wheel again like he did in the store)

"see? that's what he's good at & even though he was in a different place he still found it," said dominic.

"even though it took him a long time," i said.

"he found it in the end...."



dominic & i had that long conversation yet again...
about me finding my happiness & me honing in on what i'm good at...although i soaked it up...i was still skeptical & that's probably why we have this same conversation over & over again...

last night i was crying..& i couldn't really explain it...but i knew it was all the same things plus a few extra...

this new person i had befriended & i hung out for the first time on sunday night...we went to ranch 99 & we bought things to make soba noodle soup & my bbq pork mmmmm & other yummy things like mochi...we came home made it & watched food network & cartoon network...went to coldstone..made friends w/ the guy behind the counter who gave us a discount as a result...came back..(this is a little out of order) he taped to the wall the tomato chips label which he made me buy cuz the tomato dude on it was cute. anywho...all was fine...he sort of flipped out on me though & left abruptly...i didn't think much of it at the time..

the next day (yesterday) he told me "i was too good for him" & i said "i just want to be friends" & he said "even for that" & i didn't understand until he finally said "ok you want it straight up? the way you talk, the way you act, everything, even the way your hair falls reminds me of alicia" (alicia being his gf that had died) i asked him if it was because he was scared of being happy again...he said no...but then he said everytime i'm happy something bad happens & brings me down...which actually answers yes to my question...i said well maybe we can talk & not hang out so i don't really remind him of her...he started getting hostile but for some reason i wasn't letting go...i asked him to tell me what he wanted me to do because in the end it's up to him...he asked me what i wanted...i said if things were always up to me i would still be friends with everyone i was ever friends w/...but things never turn out that way...so he left the first time saying he didn't know...while he was away online i left a message saying "look what you did! now i'm always saying 'i'll stab you' to my friends because of you" & when he came back he simply said "so?" & i said "i'm just saying" & he said "so am i"...so i asked him if he was purposely trying to drive me away by being cold..he said maybe subconciously...& he proceeded to be mean to me so i said...i'm not going to stick around & just be abused by you...& he said "leave already" which i think hurt something inside...maybe it was deeper than just this...maybe it was how so many ppl just left me hanging...& a few cases i left them...but because i feared them leaving me first...but in the end it doesn't matter...either way leaves me with the same pain....i was leaving him as a friend but because he had already left & there was nothing i could do...like ken....yes i dumped him..but he had left emotionally already...he left me....anyways it triggered something in me & i started to cry (i was on the phone w/ dom the whole time) dom proceeded to comfort me & did not see why i was crying over something so little...at the time i wasn't sure either....

last night & then this morning i kept looking at his aways...i finally deleted his name from my buddy list cuz i felt that was healtiest for me...like i have erased so many others from my life...because they chose to leave....like i said if i had it my way...i'd still be friends w/ everyone...even ken..hell even yoshi....i don't like the thought of having someone completely change me but then not being present in my life now.......but anywho...i totally skipped class to study...& now i'm not studying...back to the books

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:47 AM PST
Updated: Tuesday, 9 March 2004 11:52 AM PST
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Monday, 8 March 2004
slipping
i feel myself falling...

i lost my grip this time....

looking thru profiles for inspiration...

"there is no point
in working hard
if you do not
believe in yourself."

i don't really know what has gotten into me...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:53 PM PST
Updated: Monday, 8 March 2004 11:54 PM PST
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Wednesday, 3 March 2004
mci commercial
"you treat me better than i treat myself...how sweet it is to be loved by you"

reminds me of dominic...nearer the beginning...

i think i asked him "what are you doing?" when he was right in front of me he said "i'm with connie" & i asked "who is this connie?" & he said "she's this great selfless person that takes cares of others more than she cares for herself & that's why that's my job...& i love it"

no..not saying this cuz it made me sad...

i'm saying this cuz it made me smile...

besides after di's gift nothing's gonna bring me down :) whee!

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:49 PM PST
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HAPPY!
my cousin is the bestest bestest bestest person in the WOOOOORLD...yes the world:)

i have been "miss grumpy" (as dominic called me this morning) for a while now...

so i finally picked up my bday present from the post office cuz i got a little break between classes & work...

she got me the food network cookbook & the cook's organizer & a candy thermometer....aka LOTS & LOTS of cannnndddddyyyyyyyy

i will be happy all day (at least)...yay!

ps: probably one of the few times i will use caps in these entries heehee...(minus times for emphasis)

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:42 PM PST
Updated: Wednesday, 3 March 2004 3:49 PM PST
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Thursday, 26 February 2004
anger
i have so much bitterness & anger i just need to beat someone up...*sigh*
actually i have someone in mind...sad thing is i barely know the person..but the little i do know makes me want to at least slap her....haha...
wow...i sound lame...considering i'm not going to ever reveal the name unless you know my whole dealio...it's just...i feel really bad saying this or maybe i'm simplifying her...but i feel like i already "get" her to a certain extent while she seems to try to come off as someone that is complicated & hard to get...i know i'd probably be oversimplifying things when i want to say that i probably get her more than she gets herself...so i won't propose such an extreme idea but i still feel like it's almost true...ugh hatred hatred...not that she is AT ALL the root of my problems...i just feel the need to lash out & she is my victim...

on a lighter note...i got an "interesting" gift in the mail...i'll be having fun:P thanks jon...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:10 PM PST
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Monday, 23 February 2004
redefinition: independence
(i started this entry on paper on 2/23 but then i ended up writing on the same paper before each class throughout the week so now i type it up...)

today is my birthday. not such a big deal. so i'm a year older. doesn't actually mean i'm a year wiser. or even a year closer to my end...the meaning? there really isn't one. but i know every year in my heart i expect something to come of it. a big celebration. or something of the sort (i guess cuz i try to do that for others). but i have always come to fill myself with low expectations because i fea disappointment. i found most people don't remember & the few that do don't really do that sorta thing. but that's where it's all about the mind & how i want to interpret it. i guess in that sense my mind is good. i feel special when people even remember. when they bother to say "happy birthday" i get giddy at least in my heart & it's just an extra giddiness & excitement if they give me a present.

last night, dominic came up to throw a personal pre-personal celebration. i was more grateful than he's ever know. i felt like crying because i was so touched & felt so happy. he gave me a model mini & a ducati bike model (which i named plucky because he said they were called ducks & this one was black) he gave me a card w/ the best message i could ask for:) he said he wanted to be there when i said i got my mini & bike & that he'd definitely be there for the real thing & he told me if i ever lost view of what i was working for, to look at those. maybe it was my emotional instability or maybe it was the first time i was being truthful to myself, but i had the greatest urge to say those three words. so, thank you dominic.

i spent the day doing stats in chanda's apt. at night, audrey, maheen, & chanda gave me my gift & slice of cake. then, chanda & audrey & i went to get my free birthday gelato & watched eurotrip.

when i got home, i was a bit bitter. my mom was angry she couldn't find me & then i went online to check my email & a depressed chris wanted me to lend an ear. i found myself getting annoyed because i felt like i was unable to help except offer idealistic advice...& then i realized i was in no place to help anyone...because i had not yet helped myself...this reminded me of a few things...one, when david kang had said that day when helping me sort thru my issues..."i gain more from helping you than you are probably gaining from my help"...which i found incredibly true & two, there were many a days in my life where i just walked on campus as an emotionless body & i saw ppl i just wanted to ask "are you ok?" (like they're be crying on a bench or like looking really hurt)...i had to force myself to walk on & repeatedly remind myself "you can't save everyone" & that i had to save myself first.

i guess this is where this whole public blog thing gets me antsy because i don't want to offend yet i want to say the truth...so the first paragraph was always true...up until this year...for some reason i grew angry & bitter...especially during & after my birthday...last year i broke up with ken a couple of days before my birthday & i seemed to find comfort in any sort of company so i was content spending the day sitting in audrey & chanda's dorm room, eating cake audrey had made, & watching tv. this year, i think in wanting to forget the past i expected mroe simply to get my mind off the matter. wednesday, at work, i randomly remembered when ken would call on his break at work & he wouldn't say anything. he'd just eat & i'd pick up & hear him eating & it'd always make me smile. i would just sit there listening & keeping him company. sometimes he'd respond with his mouth full & i'd laugh to myself. i was angry that i still thought of him & i knew this would lead to more crying later in the night. but i was glad that i didn't regret & i would always hold good thoughts of him. this wasn't really what has made me bitter & angry the whole week though. it was the fact that besides dominic, no one relaly seemed to care about my birthday (i realize that sounds so childish & that's why i proceed to explain)...it wasn't that that was wrong but it dawned on me for the millionth time that i gave too much. i remembered all the things i did for people on their birthdays & how i would never forget the day that was a celebration of their life. i went out of my way for many people to make sure they felt special that day...& besides dominic & maybe jon (HAHA) no one can i say really tried...(i remind all this is not targetted at anyone but merely my own realization...again...like so many times before aka the senior prom fiasco) i got angry at ben h (what can i saw, we fight like siblings all the time) but i was merely making him a scapegoat (not that he wasn't at fault too hahahha) i told dominic about my anger & he told me something his mom said "good people are hard to find" (ok to those that are easily offended, this is, i repeat, not to say you all aren't good people..the definition of good i take in this case are ppl that think of others sorta like i do...all the time...ALL the time. i sacrifice my own happiness & sanity in exchange for others') <--[these are the things i have to say cuz it's a public blog beh] i just expected those that i consider good friends to at least make that effort. like, chanda was so secretive i thought something fun would happen. but it was mereley as to when to give me my gift. there wasn't going to be dinner cuz maheen couldn't go & there might be a movie late night so maheen could go (she ended up not going cuz she had to study for midterms which i would normally understand but they both were later in the week not the next day & one was a pass/not pass class..which bothered me...like just 2 hrs would make a huuuuuuge difference) & then i knew about all the "surprises" because chanda stopped trying to hide them from me. so, it was just a matter of them happening & it was like a 20 minute gift opening, blowing out candle thing during which the whole time they talked about maheen's birthday (friday) & discussed when to give her her gift & then when we got gelato it was just us walking there, getting my free birthday gelato, & then chanda wanted coldstone & tried to get a free one cuz it was my bday as if that was all i was good for---free birthday perks. all before the movie started it was complaining about how much work they had to do & how they couldn't do it cuz it was MY birthday & they were out with me...audrey then "blamed" my birthday for her excess workload later that week...YES 2 hrs did all that...

i admit. it was a bunch of little stupid things but they weaved together into making me feel like nothing & a mere obligation they had to attend to cuz they HAD to...not only do i never want to be a burden...more importantly, i should've never been taht to start with...these are people i call my friends...& that's just sad

hell..today...it's maheen's bday...we had to find a way to give maheen her gift...& chanda was like yea i talked to her & we want to do it at 12 & i was like i have class...& chanda knew that..i think she expected me to not go...i got annoyed cuz i was thinking how can you assume or expect me not to go to class when we're revolving around both your guys' schedules...why do I have to do the compromising...so we ended up going at 2:15 about...& when we got there...i was fine but sorta just ignoring them cuz they were blabbing away & i wasn't really in the mood to be all superficial & talk about tv...so they read the card...they loved the card cuz of just that...the card...that chanda definitely pointed out she picked out...& i had written a huge long poem i thought was cute...it was read but left unappreciated...i wanted to scream...her picking out a card was so much more entertaining than something i actually put thought into?...that's just great...LOVE it....

(i always make maheen cards every year..since i think jr year...always wrote her rhyming poems & this was the one i wrote for this year)

now it's for your annual rhyme
but now it will take more time
because i've used many an easy word
& many lines you've already heard
no matter, i will make this poem unique
so much that my poem career will be at it's peak
so when we saw this card we thought of you
& how you were such a minimalist too
& also how you seem to love everything you get
so over your present, we will never fret
this year, very early we began
for your gift, we did plan
you always wanted your apt for us to decorate
so on that note, we started to concentrate
we bought some stuff
& the process was rough
after the first one, we felt unqualified
& we assured each other w/ "uh yea it looks good"'s to boost our pride
in the end, we were happy with it overall
i mean, what cooler thing to put on your wall
the other half of your present is so you can see
many movies w/out a fee
in the end though, presents matter not
what means the most is the friendship we've got!
the memories we cherish
the laughs that will never perish
with all our love, we just wanted to say
have a happy 19th birthday

(she's a year younger & that's why 19...& we painted her color-themed paintings for her wall & got her movie gift certificates & the thing had little pictures to accompany each line)

ANYWAYS

the title of this entry...when i was talking to harm, i realized i was in a constant cycle of redefining myself..& that's a part of life...what i mean by redefinition is not saying i'm always changing but sometimes change of thought, realizations, & most importantly, redefining goals. goals as in shorter term. dreams don't change...

& for now...my goal is independence...this encompasses confidence & "bettering" of myself...everything else i want will follow...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:54 PM PST
Updated: Friday, 27 February 2004 4:40 PM PST
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Tuesday, 17 February 2004
decision...
so in recent days i've found myself keeping from writing certain details into these entries & i've been bothered by that because in my old private entries i never had to censor & that was the beauty of it...

then last night dominic reconfirmed my feeling about it & i think i'll will go back to my more private ways..because this afterall is for me...

to those that actually read this (which besides diana i dunno who does haha because the long entries push everyone away cuz ppl have the shortest attention span ever:))..i will continue to update this but w/ random tidbits...those that really want to know about my life are already in my life so much they can't avoid it...:P so that is the decision...& if you do want to be in my life? im me & we'll catch up on everything...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:37 PM PST
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