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C is for...candor
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Saturday, 14 February 2004
v-day
stupid bears & flowers at every corner...what is with the commercialization on a measly day of the year...i have an issue with this...christmas, yes, is also commercialized but to me it makes a little more sense...it's almost to remind you to remind those in your life you care about them...because people get so caught up in life that you forget to remind them you appreciate them...but for me valentine's is different..although i'd love to say that i really believe it is about friends too (which sometimes i think to myself: "oh it's love between friends too!") it seems it's only about friends when you aren't with a significant other... but my thoughts are...why should there be a day for lovers?...in my mind if you are together or so close to someone...either they should know already that you care or you remind them so on a regular basis...it doesn't take this day that is deemed by society...oh today is the day of love remember your significant other!...it's almost like saying "i love you" because you HAVE to...what is that? & how genuine is that? & you know what...someone always knowing you care doesn't take much...it doesn't even have to be saying "i love you"...actions are so much stronger than words..it could be a simple "how was your day?" & truly wanting to hear it...i remember a korean soap opera i watched in high school where the girl said to this guy that loved her, "i feel most loved when you ask 'Have you eaten?'" & he seemed confused so she continued to say "because it shows someone cares if i am healthy & well...if i am in a good state..." it may not be all romantic & mushy gushy..but in the end the pure fact that someone cares to ask & care as to what you have to say in response is enough...

so today...i spent the day w/ dominic...as friends...i enjoyed it...how could i have not, i always have fun when i'm in his company...he takes my mind off of things & when i just see him & hug him i always feel special & loved...he let me drive cuz he wants me to get used to the road again (i haven't driven in more than a year) & so i could start learning how to ride a motorcycle...i want to take my permit test w/ him in march...anyways...we headed for his friend's eric's house & then dominic, eric, their friend dean, & i headed to bill of fare for breakfast...it was yummy...mmm corned beef hash..but it was sort of almost made less enjoyable because of a heated debate about gays & then about raising kids the "right" way...i chose not to say a thing at all because 1, i didn't want to get heated up...especially because i'll have everything outlined in my head but nothing right will seem to come out of my mouth & then i'll just seem stupid...2, i almost felt it was a useless cause because he thought what he thunk:P & i will think what i think...no 10 minute convo would change that...anywho that was hardly part of the highlight of the day...we headed over to a place that sold motorcycles & i got to sit on some & drool inside my head as my mind raced about all the exciting things that would come of learning how to ride...the salesman said that for my height the only sports bike i could probably handle was the Kawasaki Ninja 250...i sat on it & pulled it upright i was still sorta tiptoing but i could definitely hold it up by myself & i got so excited cuz when i tried it w/ domimic's gsxr yesterday it wouldn't even budge haha...& that's completely ignoring the fact i couldn't really touch the ground...salesman said "you just weren't blessed with long legs or i should say you were blessed with short legs" haha...a bit offensive but i didn't care i was too excited to care...then, we headed to the humane society & looked at all the animals!:D we fell in love with a girl doggie..she was so attention wanting..if we tried to walk away after we petted her she'd bark...she was adorable...too bad i'm not really allowed to have pets in my apt & yea...ran more errands & we went home & i looked up ninja 250's online the prices ranged...most were around $2000...not bad i guess...i probably wouldn't "upgrade" it either since that is the only one where i can touch the ground haha..how sad...i think i'd fall in love with it anyways i'd be too attached...we watched zoolander...man my fave scene the gas station scene...nothing can beat that...& then we went to lion, fry's & then toga homeward i went...

i loved the day...i genuinely felt happy...

when i went into the house...i ruined the night for myself...i began to remember things...it has been exactly a year since i saw ken for the last time & i remember the night completely...it was perfect or so i thought at the time...& next week it will have been an exact year since we broke up...right before my birthday....it's a strange feeling to know that he is so happy without me in his life yet i know he has dramatically affected mine...he...with his "new" girlfriend....the sad thing is the only difference between their relationship & our relationship is that..she is ignorant of the fact of the things he's already done to her...all the lies...& the only reason he claims to love her is because he has sex with her & i never would've...but that little difference makes all the difference in the world...she isn't as keen...she doesn't see these things...he appreciates that & uses it to his advantage...& that in itself is enough..ken has trust issues too...he enjoys in not having to open up fully to anyone...i say fully because she may think they have a great open relationship just like i thought we did...but there is always a leeway for lies & deceit...i was almost going to make myself more depressed by taking out the present i made for him a year ago that took me like 3 months to make & i asked for back when we broke up...i didn't want him to have something that meant so much to me but nothing to him...but now...ken seems just a fictional character to me that i made up almost because i have so "overthunk" the past...i have been trying not to...i have been trying to see my life in "futures" & not the past & that's why i started a "my life's to do list" & i no longer think about the "issues" i had/have with other people...






what was even worse than this ken thing though was that i was reading up on people's lj's, among which is one of dominic's friends (this is a long complicated story i don't really want to go into unless you are dying to know in which case ask me sometime) so i read it & i thought he lied about something...i called & simply said "i don't appreciate being lied to" he was thoroughly confused as to what i was talking about because what i was "accusing" him of wasn't true...& i didn't know what to say...i said sorry...& that i didn't mean to blow up in your face but i just thought you lied & i didn't know how else to react...& this is why i felt like i ruined my own night...it wasn't the ken thing...but it was because i felt like i undid the fun we had during the day...so if you're reading this dominic...i know you get annoyed w/ me & my little outbursts like this..it's just hard...it's hard & i'm trying..you know that...i do trust you...it's just sometimes things lead me to believe otherwise & i question it..we both know our relationship is extremely open than most & i guess i take advantage of that sometimes (my asking questions:P)...plus you know once something is addressed i don't linger on it...i take your word for it...i DO trust you...you just have to trust that i do







my issue really is as i've said before...trust...i, in actuality, put a lot of trust into people as a whole...the only reason why i'd have a problem is because i have been proven over & over again...as a general rule, people aren't to be trusted...i know in reality that is not true & i put faith into people & i hope the theory won't be proved again...but many a times it is...& i lose a little bit of faith...but that's the great but also horrible thing about connie (as are many of my other traits..i am made up of opposites & that's why i am that much harder to "get")...i am resilient...when i fall...i fall hard...& don't think i'll ever forget (though as with the opposite thing, i can also block things out of my mind that i choose not to remember which usually are things that happen with close friends because i don't want to hold a grudge) but i am quick to get back up...the downside? i can make the same mistake over & over & over...& never learn quite right...

anywho...i went to play with my new digital camera (haha i feel like i always go do something else & i forget everything i was talking about maybe i'm more ADD than i thought...oy...chanda would love to agree with me) & i don't really feel the mood to continue that little shpeal...plus like with most of my thoughts i just sorta of ramble to myself & don't know where i'm headed...

on a happier side cuz i always like to think there is a happier side...i got mula from my grandma for new year's, christmas, & birthday combined..more money towards the kawawee fund! that's probably what i wanna call him (yes it's gonna be a he of course cuz i mean i am ridi...hmm i'm keeping this PG rated..oy tsk tsk connie ahh bad connie) but moving on...AND i got a digital camera! whee! & i'll be able to start taking pics of everything...maybe when i get my bigger memory stick i'll do a video of my walk to etcheverry hahaha there's sound too..you'll getta hear me giving you a tour of the school & see the big hills i getta walk everyday! yay!! my theory on why all the engineering buildings are on hilly northside is cuz they think we're all antisocial & lazy non-exercise getting nerds & they're making us get out into the open world instead of sitting in front of the computer like i am now!..how ironic...*ahem* anyways...


i hope everyone has a good 3-day weekend...hugs for all!

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:24 PM PST
Updated: Saturday, 14 February 2004 11:16 PM PST
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my life's to do list
so i had my life's to do list on my profile but then i erased it to put william hung stuffs haha so i will make it again & add to it from time to time

my life's to do list:
1) learn to ride a motorcycle
2) own a motorcycle
3) go to culinary school w/ diana!
4) open a restaurant
5) have a big kitchen
6) go on a real road trip..like where i don't know where i'm gonna end up
7) so i can eat my way thru the continent & then the world! muhahahahahha
8) get a mini!
9) begin the condom show (condom pronounced con dom as in connie & dominic) & have a cool merchadise line
10) have a show on food network
11) open a flower shop w/ "the girls" when we're old ladies so we can steal our own ribbon from the store
12) start a card company
13) create a webpage

this is definitely not in the order of want...it's just i must eventually do:)

shorter term to do list:
1) get involved (i'm definitely testing that one out & i'm too busy for my own good)
2) meet more people (trying to be more aggressive, it's been working)
3) places to go eat w/ friends: crepevine, zachary's, chez panisse, oakland downtown, places on university, places on shattuck other than plearn/mel's/pho/baja fresh
4) parties to have: pasta, ice cream, finger food
5) get more learned in other things
6) get buff like my resistance training instructor!
7) stay on top of school...basically trying to balance this school thing w/ work & volunteering & of course friends (which i feel i've been putting off too much)

will add more later...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:24 PM PST
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Saturday, 7 February 2004
peeves
so...i will start w/ a real pet peeve & then go on to talk about this conversation with a friend...

haha being a nerd & super angry i even wrote about it when i was on the bart...
(bart=bay area rapid transit)

F*ing morons on the f*ing bart. some people, seriously. half the people on the bart will be standing & they'd do anything they can to take up the whole 2 seats...what? a germaphobe? the seats are probably nastier than the person that will sit next to you...antisocial? it's not like you & the person next to you has to have some amazing attraction or bond. you just happen to be using the same public transportation so have the courtesy to have the seat available..ok so maybe you like the aisle seat..well the offer the inside seat to someone else..or what your backpack REALLY reserves the right of a seat over someone else? or do you have some disorder where you HAVE to have your legs straight out on the seat to you?...

ok now onto things w/ more substance..or at least what of more substance to me...

so i was talking to my friend online...i met her recently & well i don't want to give away too much about her cuz i don't want her to think i'm slamming down her if she reads this...it's just something she said bothered me & i spent a little bit of time thinking about why it bothered me...not that what she said was horrible at all..it's just that it bothered me...

so we were talking about ourselves...for some reason...no i take that back not for some reason i know what reason...i started this semester being a lot more open about people...after a talk with dominic (thank you for that btw) & also after that new year's eve talk with david kang (thank you too) i've sorta stopped caring what others thought..or more importantly what i thought they thought...as a result i'm being more open about sharing things about myself...

so anywho we were talking & we found out how we were very similar...somehow the convo turned to horoscopes & then to the existance of fate...& she said she believed in it...while i said i believe something probably exists but at the same time i don't like the thought that i'm not in control of my life...as in the things i do don't matter because i'll end up the same way anyway...like oedipus...or many a greek myths...that fate is inevitable & unescapable...& she went on to say many a things among which was "i'm a fan of randomness the idea that random events happen & come together into a beautiful ending"...i repeated my view...then the old connie crept in telling me to stop & that she was annoyed w/ me being so stubborn so i just tried to make the situation "normal" again by saying i just have an issue w/ control...which i do...but not in a freakish sense...i tried to explain to her but it only made me realize more & more that it was unexplainable & that no one else but me would really understand what i was talking about...she ended up saying "it's ok you're one of those corporate people that needs things to go their way that's fine" i understood from her end..from what i've said there was no real way to truly get what i meant...but after that i got annoyed...i didn't really know why at that moment (i was at work) so on the walk home i rewound & realized...it had to do with my control issue again...i did not want to be a part of "those people" i didn't want to be labelled in anyway...& the fact that it was a group of people that had a negative connotation it pushed me to being annoyed with that fact...i've never wanted to be labelled & that in itself is a part of my "control issue" i never want to be expected to be a certain person...in high school...what can you expect..of couse i had a label...i was "the nice girl" not that i wasn't or that i didn't like that label...but the fact i had a label...bothered me...i was always nice..hell..most ppl are...i may be a little overly so but yea...the problem with having a label is that if you want to be someone different you can't & ppl don't accept you if you do change (that is if you are in the same environment & that's why going off to college is a great way to redefine yourself & readjust yourself so you getta be what you want to be & get a "label" you want or even better...live without a label) anywho...after a while..things lose meaning under a label...you forget why you were that way..like what if i wanted to be a bitch once in a while...i couldn't...i started defining myself BY that label instead of trying to get ppl to accept me as not being perfectly my label all the time...

this convo hit my "control issue" on another level as well...i have issues with trust..not without reason...i had earlier this week grouped the "trust category" under my "control issue"...because among the problems i have with trust is the fact that i don't trust people to accept me or see me as i truly am or how i want them to see me...i don't trust them to pass judgement on me cuz as many who know me (non-high school friends) instantly say things like "you're super complicated" "i can't get you" & the such...but on the other hand maybe it's not trust...but it's a defensive reflex...i don't want ppl thinking things about me without really knowing me...there are probably only two people that i will accept their judgement of me because they really do know me if not understand me...will not name but they know who they are...haha...maybe i'll take my boss ppl's views of me too...they constantly say things like "you have a god-given genius intelligence" "you are a beautiful young woman" "your maturity level is at a 30 yr old's level & that is great...you're so quick...in the world nowadays you need that otherwise you will get stepped on" hahaha only cuz of those compliments i will accept their opinion of me too..jk :T they're biased...i do so much crap for them & i actually GET the system...oy...but that's a whole 'nother entry (haha i sound like alton brown..that's for diana who's probably the only other food network junkie that reads this) the point was...i get antsy when people pass judgement on me when they don't really know me...HAHA which reminds me one of the most common jerry springer comebacks from the lame people on stage are "whatever! you dunno me! you dunno me" with his/her hands fanned open & patting his/her chest...but see...although it's overused..it's true...you don't know their past...their experiences...their pain (though i do believe they're actors/actresses)

ok i totally left for like hours & now i'm back & i dunno where i was...

well i will leave it at that...but while reading this entry again..i remembered i also thought: "...a beautiful ending"...& i don't remember if it's from a movie or someone said this to me but he said "sometimes a bad thing is just that...a bad thing" don't always expect good to come of it...in ways it sets you up for disappointment...that whole deal about being optimistic vs. pessimistic..anywho i'm not really one to say much cuz i'm pretty much both...but you get the point...

"To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty;
to find the best in others;
to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:54 PM PST
Updated: Saturday, 7 February 2004 10:09 PM PST
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Tuesday, 3 February 2004
natural highs
i was on the phone w/ my brother (i call him gug) & he said "ok let's talk" he mainly wanted to tell me to stop working so much because i'd tire myself & what not & i got into this emotional spilling where i was saying over & over "i want to better myself" it might have well been another way of me saying "i want to keep myself busy and make myself learned, so i don't constantly think about the things plaguing my mind" but that is also making the situation seem ungeniune as in i'm just doing actions to give myself the impression i'm super busy & involved which is untrue...i do want to learn...& i have always been a very curious person...& what intrigues me most are the things i do not understand...so in a way this is a way to build my confidence in new things i never would've realized i was good at otherwise...

anywoo that was hardly the point...the point was that the conversation took a eventual discussion of my constant unhappiness with everything in general & then it was my brother's turn to repeat over & over "do you realize how lucky you are?"

i told chanda this & she said yea...we are lucky...it's so easy to forget..& she's like we should sit down together & make a list of things we take for granted...

this reminded me of elementary school around thanksgiving time...the teacher told us how we took so many things for granted we were taught that phrase "taking things for granted" because many of us did not understand the meaning..we were told to write an essay about what we took for granted most...& what we were more thankful for...

i remember saying i took the home i lived in and the family that loved me for granted...all the things i owned...it seemed possessions were what filled the essay...

but i sit here now & what i'm probably most thankful for are my family..the friends that have stayed by my side...& everyone that has been in & out of my life...every experience i've ever had...good or bad...every memory i have...also good or bad...everything that triggered my mind at one point...creative outlets i have...& for haven been given life in the first place...

i sometimes lie there in regret for things i have not done but might've had the chance to do...i have decided that is the worst way to live...to sit there as you see opportunities pass you by & not have the guts to grab them & instead spend the rest of your life thinking "oh if i had just jumped at the chance where would i be now?"...i have to admit i do sometimes lie there in regret of things i have done...but in reality i regret nothing...the curiousity of how things might've been if i hadn't done something is misconstrued for regret...but see, all the things i've been through & all the decisions i've made have brought me to where i am today & although i seem unhappy, when i stop to think about it, i'm pretty happy with where i am right now...everyone who has entered my life has left an imprint..some shallow...some deep...some inspirational..some painful...but all have taught me...

anyway the real point of this entry as written in the title was i was reminded of a forward i had gotten a couple of years back entitled "natural highs" it was a list of little things that made you happy..just little everyday things..i thought that would be an interesting way to remind me how lucky i am & remind myself & everyone else how easy it is to find happiness in life...

i will start the list & maybe add to it from time to time...feel free to add to the list through comments

1. being able to pay w/ exact change (at campus market i found ppl getting super excited if they had exact change & i know i always feel the same way too)
2. the cd booklet having lyrics to all the songs giving you the right to sing along to every song
3. singing in the shower
4. saying the same thing as someone else at the same time
5. giddiness from having talked to your crush
6. making eye contact with a cute stranger
7. being given a compliment
8. overhearing someone saying good things about you
9. knowing a show/movie so well you can say lines with the character
10. hearing a song that makes you wanna dance
11. a meaningful hug where you can close your eyes
12. an inside joke
13. getting stuff for free
14. getting hit on
15. finally buying that something you had been eyeing for forever
16. massages
17. eating good food
18. cooking a great meal
19. & then being able to share it with someone else
20. pay day!
21. chocolate
22. smelling freshly baked cookies or bread or cake from the oven
23. karaoke
24. singing to a song with friends in the car
25. seeing a hilarious commercial
26. the lingering smell of some great cologne/perfume/shampoo
27. running after you've run a long distance/time (that bouncy feeling)
28. dressing up for something, knowing you look great
29. the sweating feeling of accomplishment after having worked out
30. getting a present that really means something
31. realizing someone remembered your birthday
32. getting a phone call/email/letter from someone you haven't talked to in a long time
33. getting a care package in the mail
34. a marathon of your favorite show
...to be continued...

(if you post a comment..make sure you click "continue" & then "post this comment" in the 2nd window)

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:16 PM PST
Updated: Thursday, 5 February 2004 8:22 AM PST
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Saturday, 31 January 2004

The language of truth is unadorned and always simple.
~Marcellinus Ammianus

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:02 PM PST
Updated: Saturday, 31 January 2004 1:03 PM PST
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Friday, 30 January 2004
the beginning...
i've had a xanga for a while now, but i have kept it private because it was moments i had with myself...where i'd think openly & where for once i wouldn't have to think about what others had to say about me...& where i'd confront myself,insult myself, praise myself & play my own devil's advocate to pull myself back into reality because being a pisces to the dot i fall into that imaginary world easily & often...

i begin this public blog so that others may also contribute to my thoughts & intrigue my mind...

i steal this quote from my friend's livejournal because it fits this point in my life to a tee...

"This is not the end
it is the beginning
not because i have to
but because i choose to"

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 7:14 PM PST
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