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C is for...candor
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Thursday, 21 August 2008
& somewhere in the middle

of this new perfect life,

everything begins to fall apart...or maybe they were never back together again

& i realize that the D's will follow me wherever i go

no one will ever understand its depth & no one has even scratched the surface


Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:08 PM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 21 August 2008 10:36 PM PDT
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Sunday, 25 May 2008
Did you know
Now Playing: Lifehouse-Who we are

...that if I "disappeared" right now...

I would not be discovered until about Tuesday night. & it would only be because I didn't show up for work to kick off the program segment I'm leading...By the time my coworker got back to LA to maybe check up on me. It would have already been 2 whole days. I wouldn't able to "reappear" at that point...

& in Huckleberry Finn fashion...I began to wonder if it would REALLY matter. My coworker might be pissed because I needed to be there that week. My friends would be too far away to ever find out. & I'm sure it would take a very long time for exes and other friends that aren't from my hometown to find out. Maybe even a year or more. They'd probably all just think I was ignoring them.

But really...the impact...no one would really care that I was gone. Yea I'd be remembered as sweet and whatever, but I didn't change anyone's life. I didn't do anything. I have made no impact. I am simply a presence. No one cares if I'm still present.

I remember back in college I found a notepad piece I wrote about why I love being me. There is one line that comes back to me often. "I am happy that I get hurt because I know that I am not the one doing the hurting."

But if I do what I always believe is right & do so much for everyone (more than a normal person is even capable of) & do everything in my power to be a good person just so I can live with myself, then I'm really not sure if it's worth it. I don't know a single person that can really understand how much pain it causes someone to be so good to people.

Imagine the heart pangs of unrequited love. Now imagine it towards everyone you know.

It is like that everyday. Some days stronger than others, but it always there. To give it up is not even an option. It is in my nature & to become selfish is a near impossibility. You have no idea how jealous I am of people that are unaware of their surroundings & the needs of others. Ignorance is bliss.


Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:01 AM PDT
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Sunday, 30 March 2008
Brunch

me: it's the mimosa talking

e: well then i just have to listen with my bloody mary!


Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:34 PM PDT
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Monday, 4 February 2008
Writing = Alcohol

Anger. Sadness. Happiness. Jealousy. All these things are intensified with a downing of the truth serum. I’ve found that I have shyed away from writing recently because writing is my alcohol. When something is in writing, it becomes real. It becomes more real and tangible than the thoughts and feelings that swim and sometimes fade and get lost in my head. In writing and in drinking the wall of tact and circumstance disappears and there is boldness that is expressed through the pen and word.


Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:57 AM PST
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Other 2 posts
(from today) were found in my "thoughts" folder as I was cleaning out my computer...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:54 AM PST
Updated: Monday, 4 February 2008 11:59 AM PST
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Princess & the Pea

I’m no princess, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have princess tendencies. I was perfectly OK sitting there on the airplane, but at the same time I felt like the princess in the pea and cursed to be the little girl who is defaulted to the middle seat with the elbows of the men on either side of me jabbing my ribs. Left me feeling like a piece of meat on a skewer.


Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:54 AM PST
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Friday, 28 December 2007
everywhere I go

I see things that prove my "theories"

When hiking with my relatives on christmas, in random nooks, I saw a messy jumbles of tree branches. The tree braches were almost tripping over each other & it just stuck and grew into a convoluted mess. I realized that each jumble was just one tree. It had all the room to grow into a "normally" formed tree, but it didn't. It proved once again that happiness (or in this case growing in a desired way) is relative. If I continue to block myself from making it to happiness or if other parts of me (whether that be my past, thoughts of the future, etc) trip me up, then I won't be able to grow and live up to my potential. I won't be able to stretch my branches and discover where I could reach. If I mentally or physically keep myself back, I will never know what I can become.


Posted by blog/c_is_for at 4:30 PM PST
Updated: Saturday, 29 December 2007 4:46 AM PST
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Monday, 12 November 2007
random quotes : INFJ

INFJs may blame themselves and experience a period of mourning. If they do not marshall their resources, externalized their feelings, and take risks to move on, they may experience a long periods of self-examination.

INFJs focus on possibilities, think in terms of values and come easily to decisions. The small number of this type (1 percent) is regrettable, since INFJs have unusually strong drive to contribute to the welfare of others and genuinely enjoy helping their fellow men. This type has great depth of personality; they are themselves complicated, and can understand and deal with complex issues and people.

INFJs are hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust.

INFJs like to please others and tend to contribute their own best efforts in all situations. They prefer and enjoy agreeing with others, and find conflict disagreeable and destructive.

If they are subject to a hostile, unfriendly working condition or to constant criticism, they tend to lose confidence, become unhappy and immobilized, and finally become physically ill.

INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right.

INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.

A list of Basic Charateristics
- sensitive
- quiet leaders
- great depth of personality - intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even themselves
- introverted
- abstract in communicating
- live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities - part of an unusually rich inner life
- artistic (and natural affinity for art), creative, and easily inspired
- very independent
- orderly view towards the world but within themself arranged in a chaotic, complex way only they could understand


Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:23 PM PST
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Saturday, 3 November 2007
& through it all

i find myself here once again.

I have this yucky feeling that I just can't shake. It's not really depression. It's just complete frustration and confusion.

I blamed him this morning for never changing his schedule for me. Sometimes I just feel like I am low on the priority list. I really wanted him to go to the holiday party, but of course his schedule is first & off to Australia he will go.

He said I was being insecure. & he said I always wanted him to go places. But, I said that he would never actually go to Seattle to visit me because he doesn't want to go to Seattle. He says "Why would I do something I don't want to do?" I say because it doesn't matter what we do, but the fact that we're spending time together! E.g., it's not like I wanted to clean his apt for 3 hours, but I didn't mind it because I just wanted to spend time with him.

He claims that this is stemming from my not having friends here and that's not his problem. Maybe. But, in the end, it really isn't. I'm not saying I want to be with him every waking moment of my life. In fact, I don't. I just want him to be there for the important parts and I don't get that.  I know I'm being a bit unfair because I'm using this example as an indicator of how he feels about me and as he pointed out "It's not just me, there are ther people's schedules involved with this trip."

The reason for my underlying uncomfortable-ness with this situation is not the actual situation, but my constant realization that Pierre was completely right about me.

He said to me once: You always think you're right (in terms of how people should act) and people that deviate from that are wrong. I remember getting so annoyed when he said that to me because it made me sound horrible.

I have slowly come to realize that he if right. It's not really about being stubborn or a bitch or that I force my opinion on others or that I'm not open minded. It's really about my constant disappointment in others. Their thoughts, actions, and the things they say.

I always say and do in the way that I believe is right. Morally. Or whatever will make all people involved the happiest or the most comfortable. In a strange way, I guess I am rather set in my ways for certain things.

When people deviate from what I believe is "right" I lose a little respect. I lose a little trust. & I just get disappointed.

This can involve small things like not calling me back in an appropriate amount of time or just being available the way I am for all my good friends.

My frustration was with myself & how I didn't know how I was going to try to overcome this. It is so much a part of me. To do what's right and to expect the best of others in return.

Granted, there is a fine line between just letting that go and getting stepped all over (or never expecting anything in return, which I sometimes do anyways).

Chris' advice to me was to acknowledge that I was doing that to myself & just hold off when appropriate. Which makes the most sense. But, it will always be different in practice...We shall see.


Posted by blog/c_is_for at 5:01 PM PDT
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Saturday, 18 August 2007
random thoughts of the day

you know you have been gone from home too long when...

-the onion leaves that sprouted in the fridge are bigger than any of the plants on your balcony

-your mailbox lock no longer works because the mailman tried to jam it too full

-your shaving cream somehow decided to spontaneously explode in your tub and fill it with pink foam

-your gas bill is like $3

-you can't open the garage door because they already changed the code & you have to park on the street

 

ok that's just a brief list...

----

on a bit of a heavier note...

i know that i have said that i do not know many people that continuously think about making themselves a better person the way that i do. every once in a while i need recalibration, but it is a never ending quest to be a near perfect person. drawing and learning from the things i see in others that i like and makng them my own.

but...i wonder if this continual reworking of myself means that i will never be satisfied and content with who i am right now & in that moment. i'd like to think that isn't true, but technically that would make sense. i guess in any moment in time i know i am already a great person & i'm just working on the details. i just need to make sure that this process doesn't prevent me from being happy. sometimes i look too much into what could be better and do not revel long enough in what is already amazing.

different approaches obviously need to be taken for different things. for me, i am ok with the fact that personally i strive for more. but when it comes to others, i need to not worry about what was, what it could've been, or what could happen in the future. i should always just focus on what it is right now. otherwise, there will always be something to worry about even when nothing is wrong.

and with that, i will remind myself that right now everything is wonderful. it is perfect. and i couldn't imagine it to be any other way.

 


Posted by blog/c_is_for at 5:34 PM PDT
Updated: Saturday, 18 August 2007 5:35 PM PDT
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