Now Playing: Lifehouse-Who we are
...that if I "disappeared" right now...
I would not be discovered until about Tuesday night. & it would only be because I didn't show up for work to kick off the program segment I'm leading...By the time my coworker got back to LA to maybe check up on me. It would have already been 2 whole days. I wouldn't able to "reappear" at that point...
& in Huckleberry Finn fashion...I began to wonder if it would REALLY matter. My coworker might be pissed because I needed to be there that week. My friends would be too far away to ever find out. & I'm sure it would take a very long time for exes and other friends that aren't from my hometown to find out. Maybe even a year or more. They'd probably all just think I was ignoring them.
But really...the impact...no one would really care that I was gone. Yea I'd be remembered as sweet and whatever, but I didn't change anyone's life. I didn't do anything. I have made no impact. I am simply a presence. No one cares if I'm still present.
I remember back in college I found a notepad piece I wrote about why I love being me. There is one line that comes back to me often. "I am happy that I get hurt because I know that I am not the one doing the hurting."
But if I do what I always believe is right & do so much for everyone (more than a normal person is even capable of) & do everything in my power to be a good person just so I can live with myself, then I'm really not sure if it's worth it. I don't know a single person that can really understand how much pain it causes someone to be so good to people.
Imagine the heart pangs of unrequited love. Now imagine it towards everyone you know.
It is like that everyday. Some days stronger than others, but it always there. To give it up is not even an option. It is in my nature & to become selfish is a near impossibility. You have no idea how jealous I am of people that are unaware of their surroundings & the needs of others. Ignorance is bliss.
