me: it's the mimosa talking
e: well then i just have to listen with my bloody mary!
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me: it's the mimosa talking
e: well then i just have to listen with my bloody mary!
Anger. Sadness. Happiness. Jealousy. All these things are intensified with a downing of the truth serum. I’ve found that I have shyed away from writing recently because writing is my alcohol. When something is in writing, it becomes real. It becomes more real and tangible than the thoughts and feelings that swim and sometimes fade and get lost in my head. In writing and in drinking the wall of tact and circumstance disappears and there is boldness that is expressed through the pen and word.
I’m no princess, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have princess tendencies. I was perfectly OK sitting there on the airplane, but at the same time I felt like the princess in the pea and cursed to be the little girl who is defaulted to the middle seat with the elbows of the men on either side of me jabbing my ribs. Left me feeling like a piece of meat on a skewer.
I see things that prove my "theories"
When hiking with my relatives on christmas, in random nooks, I saw a messy jumbles of tree branches. The tree braches were almost tripping over each other & it just stuck and grew into a convoluted mess. I realized that each jumble was just one tree. It had all the room to grow into a "normally" formed tree, but it didn't. It proved once again that happiness (or in this case growing in a desired way) is relative. If I continue to block myself from making it to happiness or if other parts of me (whether that be my past, thoughts of the future, etc) trip me up, then I won't be able to grow and live up to my potential. I won't be able to stretch my branches and discover where I could reach. If I mentally or physically keep myself back, I will never know what I can become.

INFJs may blame themselves and experience a period of mourning. If they do not marshall their resources, externalized their feelings, and take risks to move on, they may experience a long periods of self-examination.
INFJs focus on possibilities, think in terms of values and come easily to decisions. The small number of this type (1 percent) is regrettable, since INFJs have unusually strong drive to contribute to the welfare of others and genuinely enjoy helping their fellow men. This type has great depth of personality; they are themselves complicated, and can understand and deal with complex issues and people.
INFJs are hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust.
INFJs like to please others and tend to contribute their own best efforts in all situations. They prefer and enjoy agreeing with others, and find conflict disagreeable and destructive.
If they are subject to a hostile, unfriendly working condition or to constant criticism, they tend to lose confidence, become unhappy and immobilized, and finally become physically ill.
INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right.
INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.
A list of Basic Charateristics
- sensitive
- quiet leaders
- great depth of personality - intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even themselves
- introverted
- abstract in communicating
- live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities - part of an unusually rich inner life
- artistic (and natural affinity for art), creative, and easily inspired
- very independent
- orderly view towards the world but within themself arranged in a chaotic, complex way only they could understand
i find myself here once again.
I have this yucky feeling that I just can't shake. It's not really depression. It's just complete frustration and confusion.
I blamed him this morning for never changing his schedule for me. Sometimes I just feel like I am low on the priority list. I really wanted him to go to the holiday party, but of course his schedule is first & off to Australia he will go.
He said I was being insecure. & he said I always wanted him to go places. But, I said that he would never actually go to Seattle to visit me because he doesn't want to go to Seattle. He says "Why would I do something I don't want to do?" I say because it doesn't matter what we do, but the fact that we're spending time together! E.g., it's not like I wanted to clean his apt for 3 hours, but I didn't mind it because I just wanted to spend time with him.
He claims that this is stemming from my not having friends here and that's not his problem. Maybe. But, in the end, it really isn't. I'm not saying I want to be with him every waking moment of my life. In fact, I don't. I just want him to be there for the important parts and I don't get that. I know I'm being a bit unfair because I'm using this example as an indicator of how he feels about me and as he pointed out "It's not just me, there are ther people's schedules involved with this trip."
The reason for my underlying uncomfortable-ness with this situation is not the actual situation, but my constant realization that Pierre was completely right about me.
He said to me once: You always think you're right (in terms of how people should act) and people that deviate from that are wrong. I remember getting so annoyed when he said that to me because it made me sound horrible.
I have slowly come to realize that he if right. It's not really about being stubborn or a bitch or that I force my opinion on others or that I'm not open minded. It's really about my constant disappointment in others. Their thoughts, actions, and the things they say.
I always say and do in the way that I believe is right. Morally. Or whatever will make all people involved the happiest or the most comfortable. In a strange way, I guess I am rather set in my ways for certain things.
When people deviate from what I believe is "right" I lose a little respect. I lose a little trust. & I just get disappointed.
This can involve small things like not calling me back in an appropriate amount of time or just being available the way I am for all my good friends.
My frustration was with myself & how I didn't know how I was going to try to overcome this. It is so much a part of me. To do what's right and to expect the best of others in return.
Granted, there is a fine line between just letting that go and getting stepped all over (or never expecting anything in return, which I sometimes do anyways).
Chris' advice to me was to acknowledge that I was doing that to myself & just hold off when appropriate. Which makes the most sense. But, it will always be different in practice...We shall see.
you know you have been gone from home too long when...
-the onion leaves that sprouted in the fridge are bigger than any of the plants on your balcony
-your mailbox lock no longer works because the mailman tried to jam it too full
-your shaving cream somehow decided to spontaneously explode in your tub and fill it with pink foam
-your gas bill is like $3
-you can't open the garage door because they already changed the code & you have to park on the street
ok that's just a brief list...
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on a bit of a heavier note...
i know that i have said that i do not know many people that continuously think about making themselves a better person the way that i do. every once in a while i need recalibration, but it is a never ending quest to be a near perfect person. drawing and learning from the things i see in others that i like and makng them my own.
but...i wonder if this continual reworking of myself means that i will never be satisfied and content with who i am right now & in that moment. i'd like to think that isn't true, but technically that would make sense. i guess in any moment in time i know i am already a great person & i'm just working on the details. i just need to make sure that this process doesn't prevent me from being happy. sometimes i look too much into what could be better and do not revel long enough in what is already amazing.
different approaches obviously need to be taken for different things. for me, i am ok with the fact that personally i strive for more. but when it comes to others, i need to not worry about what was, what it could've been, or what could happen in the future. i should always just focus on what it is right now. otherwise, there will always be something to worry about even when nothing is wrong.
and with that, i will remind myself that right now everything is wonderful. it is perfect. and i couldn't imagine it to be any other way.
me: mayhaps
ab: that's not even a word!
me: it is in connie world
ab: i bet there's also a lot of cupcake shops & giggling in connie world
---
after drinks w/ af guy (asian fetish guy)...the other girl there & I hit it off & she hugged be goodbye when she left
matt: yea apparently you two hit it off! I thought that was going to af guy doing that to you at the end of the night
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by the way...can you believe that 2 days ago was my 1 yr anniversary at ksa
I know I know...I've disappeared off the face of the blog world...
but the good news is I'm back
& the better news is I have quotes...
I've been out of school for over a year now, so there are no longer the nerdy quotes from our ieor group...but I've been lucky enough to be at a company where the people are equally nerdy & we have hilarious moments too...
& now it's the start of quotes of the day once again...
(there have been soo many in the past year that i may post old ones as i remember them)
(these are from my current project)
matt h: I was waiting for my fiance to finish her haircut, so i started reading one of those gossip magazines & nick lachey was saying his new gf is like one of the boys, but she just happens to be hot. In reality, we all want to be with the hot tomboy, but we all just end up with the whiny/needy ones.
----
(we were debating what the fruits were in the fruit of the loom logo)
me: & there's this green wrinkly one. I think it's a muscat.
josh & matt h: no there isn't! (yada yada yada)
josh: imagine the google search for green wrinkly thing
me: better yet would be the image search
----
matt h: My fiance always says that my coworkers must think she's such a bitch because i only say the stories about her being mean, stupid, or annoying. But, really, Court (her name is Courtney), who wants to hear about you being sweet to me. The other stories are just so much funnier.
----
(I mentioned that this guy at the client company has an Asian fetish)
matt h: Until you're on a date with him, you have no proof & you can't go on a date with him because it's on the contract...i think...watch. there's be some clause that says you can't date the client unless it's to prove he/she has a fetish.
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on the office instant messenger...
matt h: if you are really bored, you can add in the L0/L1 word document stuff into this. how much fun would THAT be??? TONS you would enjoy yourself as much as [insert name of guy previously mentioned] out with an asian woman
----
matt h: We can buy [insert name of guy previously mentioned] an Abercrombie and Fitch shirt so that he will have a little "AF" logo
----
matt h: & that is why you don't get to have beer w/ [insert name of guy previously mentioned] & I
me: & that's why you'll be unsuccessful in your conversations with him
----
(we pass around stuffed koalas to projects & the pictures go on our company newsletter, so one week the other project team had Kelli the girl koala)
at pike's market (where they throw fish)
me: where's her shoe!
anthony: brad went to get it in the car. we thought we lost it. (they explained that they freaked out & then Robert had the idea of checking the pictures they took earlier to see if she had her shoe then & she didn't)
brad (when he came back): i had a serious flash forward of my kid losing his shoe & it's not like he would tell me!
(during dinner)
brad: shoe check!
----
at the mariner's game. todd & i were feeding Kelli beer
brad: how's Kelli doing over there?
me: she's drunk. that's why she's so pink (she's dressed in pink)
josh: isn't that like calling the kettle pink?
----
me: there are typos in it like acuracy...ironically
matt h: really? (spellchecks) ironically - i thought at first you typo'd that to make fun of me
me: nope you're that good on your own
----
josh: (explaining that his sunglasses float if they fall off in the water) they're foam
me: they foam?
josh: yes. they foam. everytime i work out i look like i'm rabied.
----
matt h: that's verb tense agreement
me: no it's parallelism because it's a gerund
matt h: gerund?
me: a verb used as a noun ending in -ing
matt h: what do you say when someone sneezes?
matt h: gerund-heit!