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C is for...candor
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Friday, 26 May 2006
emptiness & my personal thank yous
it was just what i needed

a taste of nostalgia in a familiar place to make me realize how much i will miss this place

i walked to etcheverry to put the IIE banner in the student lounge because no one else seemed to be in berkeley

after i accomplished that task i surprised myself by spontaneously walking into le petit market to look if they had mint it its & they did

i bought one & bit into it immediately & it was everything i remembered (& an excuse to have 2 oatmeal cookies, mint ice cream, & chocolate all in one bite)

i realized that i would probably never have another mint it its again...(i've only seen vanilla in stores & it's probably only in the bay area since it's a san francisco thing)

i walked to a bench on which i befriended a squirrel 2-3 years ago...

the creek running peacefully in front of me...it suddenly hit me...it would never be like this again...at least not like it was in the past 4 years

when i finished the it its i began walking home on the trail that i had walked infinite times before....everything seemed to matter this time

i walked by my special bench, the place i buried beethoven next to the creek, the rsf where i have spent hours in pe class & just in general...walking down bancroft i saw the marina before me on this clear blue day as i walked along the best public university in the world

this past week i have spent time saying goodbye to so many people i have shared so many memories with & it has not left me more empty than anything

for the past few years i had defined my life into 3 major categories: family, friends, school
my life was rocky anytime there were problems or uncertainty in any 2 of these categories
but for the first time in my life one of these categories is being changed & there is uncertainty in 2.5 of these categories
school will become career & although i'm excited i'm also scared about what it may entail since it is unfamiliar to me...i will also go to LA with no friends...my high school friends made the transition to berkeley that much easier from which i branched out...& my family role will change as i move away from home & i won't be able to see them like i can now...

i have been so absent minded these days. i forget to bring things with me. i have no idea where things are while moving, etc. i was thinking my brain just collapsed from exhaustion, but on the contrary i think it's because it's so overwhelmed & is packed with so many worries & thoughts that i'm almost trying to supress it's just pushing the little minute things out of my mind...

graduation has not hit me...i am not relieved or happy...i think the realization will occur next august/sept when i won't have to wake up & go to lecture & i will no longer have to walk home from gaia late at night

i do want to thank my mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law, diana, chris, and chanda for attending my graduation to cheer me on...it was sooo appreciated:)

i am planning to write my own personal thank yous to most everyone i've met at berkeley on my blog (even though not everyone reads it) because i never had the chance to write personal graduation cards...i have so much to be thankful for in these past 4 years...

thank you...

chanda singh: for being my best friend through thick & thin; for listening to me talk about you-know-who for hours; for putting up with me; for our hour long talks even though we see each other almost every day

chris dong: for having food adventures with me; for cheering me up (with chocolate things & haribo); for cooking with me!; for our food nerdy talks; for everything you do

erick ribbens: for listening to me talk about food even when you're not interested; for being my people watching buddy; for studying together to "motivate" each other; for all the rides

jon thysell: for your technical expertise; for our nerdy talks; for our fake iron chef

doug sopfe: for not attacking me with a knife; for your silliness/weirdness; for us always designating your place as the meeting spot

alex brooks: for your funny comments; for our crazy inventions; for your noticing "hot girls"

audrey wong: for letting me practically be your 3rd roommate freshmen year; for your hilarity

maheen hassan: for your moments of funniness even though you don't realize you are; for your effort to make us all hang out

sharmeen hassan: for all the rides to mission; for your company in class

gareth williams: for your drunkedness & craziness; for never having me see you naked (unlike other ieor-ers); for constantly hitting on me even though i reject you

jamie mullins: for being a continual source of entertainment in class; for always welcoming my cooking

omer shalev: for not laughing at me when i drop stuff in the gym; for your skepticism in class

ameet salvi: for always being so nice; for coming form a "very special place"

michael joyce: for always being so enthusiastic & friendly to everyone

dini wong: for trying to keep me "buff"; for teaching me everything i needed to know about the weight room

liz liner: for being a great energetic and motivating gym partner this past semester

ben lin: for being there when i was down the first couple of years i was here; for always making me feel welcome

ben hockaday: for being there for me; for always telling me the truth

farzad sani: for always being hilarious; for being so quirky & occassionally OCD; for keeping freshmen year floor stories interesting; for singing normal sentences

satra zarghami: for welcoming to your study sessions; for introducing me to lings; for always being so sweet

anthony yau: for saying you'd beat up people that were pissing me off; for studying with me; for coaching me for KSA and answering all my questions

john meehan: for always making me feel welcome; for being so energetic

phel meyer: for being so nice; for encouraging me to run for iie treasurer

christine lozada: for being a great decal facilitator; for organizing so many activites to bond over

rachelle bertumen: for being so nice & a great decal ta; for thinking of "stealing" pearl necklaces with me

becca graff: for a fun monterey spring break

shane lau: for being supportive about the california culinary club

chen lin: for letting me know what's up & inviting me to parties

yang liu: for being so funny & lending your place to project endeavors; for the time we spent talking

alex liu, ed oh, ai nguyen: for being so excited about sharing what's new in our lives when we run into each other

ramteen sioshansi: for being an awesome gsi & so naturally funny; for the themed hws to keep it interesting

hannah koon, lori chen: for your company in math 54

prashant tatineni: for putting up with us staying in your apt into the wee hrs of the night; for being so inviting whenever something's going on

rich manzana: for being so excitable & inviting

danny tran, amy liu: for the fun hike in tilden park

john goldman: for joining me on my 21st bday dinner; for being interested in food like me; for being very pro-any activity

ali weisz: for keeping me company in class

kathy phan: for sharing your advice & helping me with anything

boris kletser: for introducing us to maggiano's & the spaceship song; for "attempting" to fix my apt light

rey doctora, connie ko, ching-yu hu, jean lai: for being great people to work with in iie

nur kasdi: for being so sociable and genuinely interested in what i was busy with

(this was in no particular order)

i love you all & no matter how little interaction we may have had, you all will have a place in my memory & heart

thank you

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:50 PM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 28 May 2006 1:17 PM PDT
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Wednesday, 10 May 2006
more quotes/moments to remember
*looking at 5 lb bags of haribo gummies on amazon*
me: i want collosal crocs!
jon: that's one letter away from being really funny

earlier...
me: i'm going to miss this place
erick: i'm not..i'm so ready to leave
me: how sad...
later...
erick (in his room): do do do do do (diet cherry dr. pepper song/muppets song)
doug (in his room): mah nah mah nah
erick: do do do do
doug: mah nah mah nah
me: don't tell me you aren't gonna miss that
erick: ok...maybe a little

erick: did you put your design notebook on a disc?
jon: cuts to scene of doug trying to jam a notebook into a cd

playdough mime competition

"fresh from the juicer"

f- alex eyes


(gotta love berkeley with nerds from all parts)
overhead from this thug-ish dressed guy on his cell phone: & then you fucking taylor expansion the shit out of that, man!

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:32 PM PDT
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Friday, 5 May 2006
random quotes
i've been so stressed out & when i procrastinate i clean...& i found this quote i wrote down on a piece of paper...i remember it was when i was reading some legal studies book:

Those who most need to be made wiser & better, usually desire it least, and, if they desired it, would be incapable of finding the way to it by their own lights.


Oh how true...

As for real life quotes I can only think of a couple:

me: you're so mean connie
erick: you too erick

alex: [person's name] is always doing that. He'll do nothing & then swoop in at the end and take all the credit and make it seems like he knows what he's talking about.
(later)
doug: pot

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:59 AM PDT
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Friday, 21 April 2006
for me
no one will really understand this...it's mainly for me:

if there was nothing there i'd tell you to get over it but that isn't true because i have a feeling this isn't the end

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:36 PM PDT
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Thursday, 20 April 2006
IEOR-filled week
so all this week we've had IEOR related activities...

monday there was the thankathon where we wrote thank you notes to alumni that donated money to the college of engineering

wednesday night we had our annual student-faculty banquet(SFB)...it was great...everything went smoothly

& thursday was "IEOR day" of Engineering Week on campus...we sold BBQ & shirts & had a carnival game in which you won goldfish & betas were the big prize...

i have really random quotes from the SFB:

jamie: how funny would it be if professors & GSIs had to vote on the worst student
ramteen (GSI): yea we kinda already do that with grades....but sometimes i'm thinking do i want to pass this person or not & have to deal with them another semester whent hey retake it....sooo it's a C- for them
jamie: i never thought of that...maybe we could try to get through school that way...i should try that on my Ph.D. maybe professors will be so sick of me that they'll just give it to me

(erick won this prize from the raffle)
rick (gsi): well that's the only reason why i'm talking to you...i want that prize (stuffs the big box in his jacket)
(erick or me?): wow that's not obvious
rick: no no i'm just happy to see you

jamie:so how secure with your masculinity do you have to be to own a mini
rick (who owns a mini): very i get hit on a lot by other guys
(the rest i'm not sure who said)
so uhh how do you & your partner fit in that mini?
there's a masculinity check on the paperwork & a gay box
jamie: did you get the british flag?
rick: didn't have enough masculinity for that one
they measure for that one...
i didn't quite make the 12 inches


there were other great conversations, but i can't quite remember at the moment...

& i end this blog w/ a cute pic of the ieor gang (doug, alex, jon, con, erick):



Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:04 PM PDT
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Tuesday, 18 April 2006
in a world of their own
once to start off my day as a passed a bus stop & once to end the night through a window at a restaurant

i saw a couple kissing so passionately that they seemed to be in a world of their own...they were just into each other & that's all they seemed to need...

& rather than being disgusted...i smiled...



only for me to remember (it won't make sense to anyone else):
why are you avoiding my hugs
...because i was avoiding this

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:39 PM PDT
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Friday, 14 April 2006
nerdy, prof, & random quotes.....& adrenaline
today in thermodynamics class...(in russian accent)

prof: you need to email me questions otherwise i will talk about whatever i want to in review...i might talk about this movie i saw recently....*continues on quietly to himself*


student: can we use a calculator?
prof: you have matlab! ok ok! fine! you can use a calculator...any other requests? like cancel the final?
student: group final?
prof: how about we just be like the rest of campus & sit in a circle & talk about how we feel about thermodynamics & then based on your id i will give you the appropriate refreshment...
*students cheer*
in case you just woke up...that's not really happening...that's an ideal school
student: or a reverse school


prof: you need to email her if you are using a laptop! or i can pretend we're in russia & FORCE you to do it



in physics class...

prof: i will try not to juggle the eraser like i did last time. I had chalk all over me the rest of the day & no one told me until i went home, but it's ok. i can live w/ that. there are worse stains i could have on me than chalk...


(overheard)
student before class: the limit of Ted coming to class goes to 0


(farzad overhead some people w/ a heavy indian accents)
guy: yea [it] happened...
girl: i told you it would happen with probability of 1!




at subway getting dinner...
(doug & alex were getting the 2 for $7.99 footlong sandwich deal)
lady at counter about the ring doug up as alex is still getting his sandwich made & she tells him a price....
doug: i'm with him *points at alex*
*lady makes a weird face & looks at doug & then at alex*
doug (without realizing her face): we're getting 2 for $7.99
*lady goes back to normal*



..............

my palms have been sweaty all day..not from nervousness or the heat...but there has been adrenaline pumping through my body all day

i can't even explain the feeling of having one of my images come true

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:13 PM PDT
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Tuesday, 28 March 2006
enigma
(don't worry i'm still perfectly happy as my previous entry indicated, but some random thing sparked this question about myself)

why in this world and with people that consistently disappoint me & remind me that i can only rely on myself for my own happiness and success do i stay so ridiculously selfless?


my only possible solution would be hope...hope that something will change...or even worse that i will make a difference to cause that change

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:52 PM PST
Updated: Tuesday, 28 March 2006 11:56 PM PST
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Monday, 27 March 2006
LEGO lie detector
LEGO!

it's like robby stripped!

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:27 PM PST
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Sunday, 26 March 2006
the world is our oyster
procrastinating...i decided to "clean" my computer

i came across a few personal notes i wrote for myself

i had forgotten how i felt then

the funny thing is i feel like i've grown in the past year, but after reading those entries i realized that i was still the same person wondering how things would be different if a certain something happened (it was the same certain thing)

i'm not saying my past year hasn't changed me...i've have great experiences, met fun people, and had exciting adventures

but i think i've reached a certain limit to my maturity

i know that sounds weird & almost ironically immature

but although i could see things around me changing & changing me i couldn't see myself being anymore mature than i am now

of course at some point i will stop caring about what everyone around me thinks of me

but even that...i've eliminated a lot of that from my life already...i used to cling on everyone's every word & every look & every reaction...& i simply don't care like i used to

i've also come to realize that i'm very independent & that, no offense, but i don't truly need anyone in my life to be happy

i know my close friends are scoffing at that one cuz i seem to get so "pissed off" when people don't treat me right or whatever, but i guess that can be played both ways...i used to put up with that behavior & now i just don't...& that if those people weren't in my life i wouldn't be anything less than who i am now

& as one of my dreams told me & i have realized in the past few years "happiness is relative"

in those notes to myself there were a few sentences that struck me strongly (& i will put it here even though i sound bitchy):

i also realized that i am deep

sometimes i think...no i'm not i'm just about as complicated as everyone else

but after [person name's] email i realized i am

i've gone through so many phases of self improvement

& i don't think most people think about being a better person as much as i do



& here is the diplomatic part so you don't misunderstand...

i'm not saying that i've reached perfection or anything of that sort

but i'm simply saying that i've reached a point in my life that i'm really happy with how i am

with my goals, motivations, and joys in life

& i'm very glad that i'm mature enough to not let the little things bother me

& as i said before...for once in my life i am free from everyone & i am myself & i can fly in whatever direction i want & however i want

on friday, chanda said "the world is our oyster" & i said "i never got that saying" & she said "yea i don't either" & then i pulled a corny definition on her but i rather like it "maybe it's because you can take in all little sands of everyday life & with it you can make a pearl"

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:48 PM PST
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