Site hosted by Angelfire.com: Build your free website today!
 
C is for...candor
« February 2006 »
S M T W T F S
1 2 3 4
5 6 7 8 9 10 11
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26 27 28
Entries by Topic
All topics  «
Blog Tools
Edit your Blog
Build a Blog
View Profile
You are not logged in. Log in
Wednesday, 15 February 2006
water
ok so i'm not obsessed about horoscopes or anything, but sometimes i do find truth in them

i am every bit like my pisces profile

& like fish i have a strong affinity to water

in recent days i find myself escaping to another place when i'm in my shower

i wash myself clean of the days occurences & thoughts

& my mind is truly clear

& unfortunately it is a sad sad version of me

i've been pretty apathetic to everything around me

but in there i realize that i'm really not...i really do care & i'm really hurting inside

i just spent 45 minutes in the shower just standing there occasionally leaning against the tile wall to cry

i stood there until my skin was red from the hot water & my fingers & toes were wrinkly

last time i said to myself, i don't feel so badly when i cry in the shower because i feel like i'm just trying to blend in...

i don't feel the warmth of my tears rolling down my face & it's ok

i realized that everytime i go through something painful sometimes it's not really the something but the fact that i find myself alone & that my friends aren't there to support me & maybe they're right maybe i don't open up enough but why i hesitate to open up is because it has never gotten much of a result/response...& i know i shouldn't be so demanding perhaps & maybe i just want people to act like i do which i seem to deem as right...i just want my friends to be there when i need them & in reality they never really are there for me like i am for them & that is an ongoing problem for me...maybe i just give to much or maybe i just demand too much...i guess in the end it doesn't really matter

as i stood there with the water making my fingers wrinkle i wondered if i really would be standing there all my life washing away the pain & sorrow by myself everytime, growing old

& i guess i don't know

......

i was watching the end of sex in the city & carrie brought up with her bf that the relationship wasn't working...but while sitting in jury duty she realized that she wasn't ready to break up & that night he arrived at the door with flowers & said "i know our relationship isn't going well, but i'm willing to work on it" she hugged him, incredibly happy...the next morning she woke up to an empty bed & on her computer was a post it that said "i just can't do it--don't hate me." she hit the flower vase which scattered everything onto the floor & the episode ended

i felt her pain.

......

everytime things get like this is remember this quote i marked when i read it summer of freshman year in english class from "The Sun Also Rises" by Ernest Hemingway:

"It was awfully easy to be hard-boiled about everything in the daytime, but at night it is another thing."

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:21 AM PST
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
Tuesday, 14 February 2006
st. valentine's day
Mood:  hug me
i started out the day fine

but as i left for class after pe i felt so sick..physically

& then as i walked through campus i saw more girls than normal dressed up...satin outfits..a lot of pink & reds & high heels

i kind of looked at them w/ disgust & a tinge of jealousy

i began to think...

i realize that lot of people find valentine's day to be commercialized but that wasn't really my thought...

my thought was velentine's day was really more of a day that pissed of single people more than it was special for couples

of all the things people have done for me that made me feel loved or special..none of them were on valentine's day...in fact valentine's day fesitivites are so forced that i don't see much thought or love in the entire process

it's a day that people need the corporate world to pump out corny things to give your significant other

& the people that buy them are people that never could put into words what they wanted to say...

it almost makes it less sincere & these things are bought simply because they know that is what he/she wants to hear...

where is the love in that?

i went through most of the day apathetic but somewhat bitter w/ these thoughts in my head...undoing any sincerity of any act of love in my head

but then the day got better as erick & i were drawing faces in class

& then it was the last class of the day for me

& i saw gareth walk in w/ his signature pink shirt and a single orange pink rose...

we all teased him & asked him who the rose was for or who it was from..he grew red

& then he sat next to me & we passed notes & i asked him details

i guessed who the rose was for & i was right

it turns out he met this girl he had a crush on a couple of years ago at a party recently & got her number...he was as excited about a school girl when talking about her & their sense of humor

i gave him some advice on the date & he said that i was partially the reason why he decided to call her up...i smiled

& then i realized maybe all my thoughts were true

but then for just one someone maybe valentine's day is just the reason to give a person enough bravery to pursue something he/she really wants

& then i realized that maybe it wasn't so bad afterall...i just wish i had that kind of inspiration


btw i have a beautiful & smart & awesome valentine!:)

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 7:44 PM PST
Updated: Tuesday, 14 February 2006 7:51 PM PST
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
how many does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
i saw this on my cousin michael's wall & i thought it was funny...

CAL: Three. 1 to change the bulb and two to debate about the metaphysical state of the bulb and how its invention has impacted human development.

UCLA: Two. 1 to change the bulb, and another to call their friends at USC and tell them how they changed it just as well and for much cheaper.

UCSD: Five. 1 to hold the bulb and 4 to start smoking weed until the room spins.

UCI: Eleven. 1 to change the bulb and ten to sit around watching because honestly, what else is there to do at Irvine past 10pm??

UCR: Three. 1 to steal the bulb, another to drive the getaway car, and the last to call all his friends to throw the celebration party on a Tuesday night.

UCSB: Seven. 1 to screw the bulb and 6 to screw each other.

UC Davis: Zero. There is no electricity in Davis

UC Merced: Two. One to hold the bulb while the other calls his friend asking for help in figuring out this "new college thing."

UCSC: None. Living in the forest, they see at night by torches and moonlight-damn hippies.

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:37 AM PST
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
Sunday, 12 February 2006
random thoughts & laser tag
i had never played laser tag before & i have to admit it's pretty fun...

it was just hard cuz we played w/ little kids & it was hard to hit their plates because they were shorter...you'd have to kneel to get them right on the plate...

little kid as we entered the room: "ohmygosh! there are teenagers"

.....

i keep feeling like i need to relax, so i don't really do anything productive...but by the end of it, i don't really feel relaxed

.....

looking at random gift ideas online & one was 125 roses...& i did a double take...& it said "yes! send them over 10 dozen roses" & i was like wow...who does that! that's like in the movies!

& then i thought...i have yet to receive one dozen roses from someone other than my dad who i found out today only got them for me because they were buy one get one free & he wanted to get some for my mom on vday haha

it's funny because tons of girls would say so many roses would be cheesy, but not one of them wouldn't be impressed...at least a little bit

.....
(this should be on other blog)
i really need to start cooking again...i cooked pizza sauce & toppings & stuff for my bread workshop foccacia pizza crusts (which i thought were exciting & since i've never bought premade pizza crusts before i was curious)(it turned out great btw...it almost reminded me of zachary's cuz i did spinach & mushroom w/ chicken)...& the thing is i didn't even really want to eat it..i just really wanted to cook it...it felt so good to be in the kitchen w/ the sizzle of the pan & chopping w/ all my beloved knives & the aroma tickling my nose...i just love it...i miss it...

& then it made me want to call someone to share it with

but i didn't

& then i felt empty again

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:52 PM PST
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
Thursday, 9 February 2006
quotes-cookie monster & "physic"al
on the trip to meeting w/ restoration hardware ppl:
jon: the guy that does cookie monster's voice has to rest every other day because it's such a strain on his throat
erick: *imitating cookie monster* a, b, coooooookie!!!
alex: i wonder if his wife asks him to do the voice when they're at it
erick: *imitating cookie monster eating* ahm ahm ahm ahm ahm


physics lecture today:
prof: *after demo'ing static on regular balloons* it's valentine's day soon & i encourage everyone to go out & buy a valentine's day balloon because you can give it to someone & then you can experiment together!
*class laughs (i was laughing cuz it was nerdy)*
prof: NOT LIKE THAT! i meant science experiments. because those balloons are metallic & so it's easier to remove electrons. where are your heads at!


later in the lecture:
prof: there are tiny sparks when you brush your hair. so you should all brush your hair in the dark. also, if you undress in front of a mirror in the dark, especially with nylon clothes, you will see sparks. or what's even more fun is to try that with a friend.

..............

the bottom is on a more serious note

i've been going thru a lot lately...emotionally

from being completely self conscience to feeling confident about things in my life

everyday i have my ups & downs & sadly it seems to be determined by all those around me

i feel so weak right now because i want control of my life again but it seems to keep slipping out of my hands

i will sit there for a few minutes convincing myself that things are ok & that i will be fine & everything will fall into place slowly but surely

i am ok for about an hour after that & then it sets in again

i've been keeping my mind off of things by keeping busy with my usual things...school & job search & clubs

but then i find myself getting angry at being so busy

& there's just no haven to flee to

the majority of the time i just want to cry but i know that solves nothing...but that doesn't stop me

& as i lay crying on my bed this morning i realized how many tears and pain my pillow has seen & i almost felt bad for it

everytime i go through a time like this i realize that my friends are sparse

because the only person i really want to call i need to refrain from calling

& everyone else is just as busy as i am

i know it is not because they aren't good friends because i value my friends at times like these but sometimes it's just hard to bottle things up inside

then there are risks that i want/need to take but i don't think i'm ready

& in reality i don't think i will ever be because i'm already pretty sure that things won't pan out as i want them to

they never have

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:57 PM PST
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
Saturday, 4 February 2006
3 days in one
Mood:  not sure
i've had 3 days in one...

in one, i was a businessy fake whatever you call it

on the way to the next "day"

i was on the bart & i sat near an old woman that seemed normal until after about the 2nd stop...
she started her rambling with "i had this teacher once & he gave me a D when i deserved an A"
she continued:
i always went to class one time.
there was this guy that always came in late.
the professor he was always there talking to that redhead.
he said he wasn't racist.
he was japanese.
he had a thing for blondes & redheads though.
& you have to know these people mess around with their secretaries.
the secretaries these days are young.
& then they go home & snap at their wife.
& they snap at their children.
& you know! it's like their kid!
& the wife is home cleaning the house & fixing food.
she should know what he does.
& then the government tells the woman how to raise the child.
but it's her kid.
they say she's not feeding her kids right.
but she's at home cleaning & cooking all day.
someone should really tell her.
he shouldn't be able to do that to her.

she continued on & on...

when she stood up for her stop...berkeley, like me

i looked over & noticed particularly the sign abopve her seat that said "this seat is reserved for senior citizens and disabled"

& it made me think about my life

& how lucky i am to have bounced back from the things & people that have hurt me

it also made me think of the people that would never bounce back & what happened in her life that made her the way she is

about last week i found out some news & i was surprised at my reaction...

i was always one to wish people the best & wish happiness for people no matter how they treated me...

& i've come to realize that in my opinion, some people never deserve happiness...i know this is ridiculously harsh...& i sound like a complete b but you know what? this time, i really don't care...

for me, people that are very into religion that make everything they do wrong ok because they are religious always bothered me....because i always believed that how you treat other people and your actions in general that determine if you are a good person

for people that don't treat others well don't deserve the same...they never learn & they repeat these actions on others & continue to hurt people with the things they do

anyways

the 3rd day today was the car ride home

he ended it

& maybe it was the best for both of us

but i have to admit that i miss him already



Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:33 PM PST
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
Thursday, 26 January 2006
oh yea!
erick reminded me that i needed to put up another one of my mom's quote


in the theater while watching brokeback mountain...

mom: i don't understand! why couldn't they have just been good friends?
me: gah! that's like the whole point of the movie!

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:02 AM PST
Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink | Share This Post
Tuesday, 24 January 2006
I'm sorrrry!
oh blog please forgive me for having ignored you

yesterday i felt really guilty all of a sudden because i was looking for a specific entry in my food blog & i read some of my old entries & i realized all the memories i've had & how funny & entertaining they've been...i really laughed out loud at the iron chef stuff jon & i was talking about at the time...anyways i felt guilty because i haven't updated in a long time...even though i wanted to make myself put at least quotes for the week up

it has nothing to do w/ my friends being uninteresting...or my family for this past month i spent at home but i've just been lazy...

so now i update w/ some random quotes that stick out in my brain


me (referring to the movie): have you seen elf?
mom: *looks at my strangely* what would i have seen an elf..it's not like they're real!
dad: maybe she's seen a leperchaun but an elf? gawd no!
*mom still confused*


looking at the round artsy statues in front of emerybay's "waterfall"
erick (because he wanted to sit down): i wish those balls were dry
doug: that's going on her blog


before the IIE officer meeting

*jon is writing down ppl's officer positions*
doug: write sexgod for me
(erick is there just for fun & to be doug's assistant for the banquet)
me: so what is erick? assistant sexgod?
erick: *poses* i supply the whips

me (to erick): so you're the assistant's assistant?
doug: i'm not the assistant! i'm the chair!
erick: yea! & i'm the legs or the back...*simulates pushing as if back of a chair* i keep him up!

(about 24 the tv show when explaining to jon)
alex: i'm pretty sure besides those 3 "days" (seasons) jack is sleeping...where's jack? he's sleeping


in physics 7B my prof is really nerdily funny...

prof: i'm going to be showing you an experiment with liquid nitrogen...simply because i like to play with liquid nitrogen *continues to just pour the nitrogen on the counter*

prof: so i was advised right before class to only dip the cotton lightly in alcohol but in my experience the more alcohol the bigger the combustion & the more exciting it is so we'll do that instead


oh yea & just to make me & erick laugh: unohotme


that's it for now i know there are others but those are the ones that stand out in my brain

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:08 PM PST
Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink | Share This Post
Tuesday, 29 November 2005
thanksgiving-family quotes
a quick quick update

thanksgiving was great..i love my family so much...i was truly thankful to have spent it with them

after thanksgiving dinner my brother went to look at the shoes that came in the mail

*looking at his custom made nike shoes*
mom: how much were they?
bro: they were expensive
mom: *interrupts him* how much were they? i keep asking how come you won't tell meeeee!

after looking at black friday ads

*dad looks at the clock it reads about 8pm*
(my dad is NOT a shopper but he saw so many things he wanted in the ads)
dad: ohmygosh! we need to go to bed! what are we doing still awake! we need to get up early to shop!

morning of black friday at about 4:30am

my dad is wearing suit pants
mom: why are you wearing suit pants! someone is going to step on you & rip them
dad: i'm more worried about ripping them myself because i'll be running so fast

later on in the weekend
dad to mom: baby!
mom: *startled* you're going to scare me to death!


Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:59 PM PST
Updated: Wednesday, 30 November 2005 12:00 AM PST
Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink | Share This Post
Monday, 28 November 2005
more random quotes...
from chevy's

(we were talking about how doug & erick & i were looking up mail order brides in the lab one night)
me: one was a lawyer!
jon: she wanted a lawyer? we can ligigate all night long!

(we ordered dessert & there was a strawberry & jon referring to my previous orgasmic strawberry convo)
jon: watch out for connie....she'll need to hold onto the table
alex: you are NOT going home in my car

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:51 PM PST
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post

Newer | Latest | Older