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C is for...candor
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Sunday, 6 November 2005
ok ok quote update
on 131 project(we have to simulate a place/situation):
jon: we went from a fancy restaurant to a fast food restaurant to a grocery store to a convenience store & now we're a 24 hour fruit stand!



(alex & doug try to persuade jon to go to the bondage party)
reverend: do you want to repent your sins?



erick: you should've seen gareth. he arrived at the same time i dropped [alex & doug] off. he had a mouth guard & a collar w/ 3 different chains & a butt plug, not in of course.

alex: & then he hinted that they had all been used by someone recently......



at "Sweet: An Evening w/ Chocolate & Wine"

rachelle (to me): you should take
me (to erick): i should take some pearl necklaces
rachelle: i was just going to say that! this is why we're friends


erick: wow is she a trophy wife...
(i look over to see this guy w/ perfectly slicked back hair & very cleanly shaven & w/ him was a woman in her late 20s w/ a perfectly done curly hairdo & a tight tight top that showed off just her belly button the tiny tight black shirt over her white one said "baby angel")


i'm sure there are more...i can't think

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:03 AM PST
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Friday, 4 November 2005
clifford pooping on disneyland
for our project...posting so we can use the image



Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:31 PM PST
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Tuesday, 1 November 2005
the fudge phantom strikes again!
halloween 2005

there was a party at doug & erick's
the decorations were great...fog machine, black lights, strobe lights, the whole deal...

we did that instead of hw sunday

i was supergirl & the costume took a lot longer than planned but it was fun...fake boots, safety pinned a skirt, tucked a cape into my shirt, velcro-ed on a belt & voila

i made a little something for the rhino too:)





mine! all mine!! no skittles...chocolate!

yesterday it felt like a horrible day but today i realized that everything was great...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 6:21 PM PST
Updated: Saturday, 5 November 2005 1:56 PM PST
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fine line
i have had an ongoing draft of an entry for about a month now...i will still write about those topics & post it later...

i have something random that i need/want to post now...

.........

between staying fit and anerexia. i am realizing more & more how my love of food saves me from myself...

I tell pierre things that i think but outloud & i never realized how insane they are sometimes...what i mean is the emphasis i place on my image of myself & how obsessed i am with my weight...pierre even tells me about this anerexic girl at his sessions & how insane & unreasonable she is & that she's crazy to imply that my thought process is flawed....i sit around knowing that i'm stupid for thinking the way i do cuz i probably have a fitter body than a lot of the ppl that bare their body freely & confidently...i can see my muscles & i know that i'm not overweight...but i constantly think i am...the first thing i do every morning when i wake up is stare at my body in the mirror...not my face but my body & i weigh myself & i freak out at a tiny change in my weight...i plan my eating plan for the day based on that number i see...granted i normally don't follow it since i'm so obsessed with food thank gawd...but it scares me to think...what if i wasn't...

.........

between masochism & the quest for truth. i used to think that the truth would set me free. i wanted to know the truth no matter how much it hurt how much it affected my life & how unnecessary that pain was.

last night i realized that i am not a masochist anymore...things that will hurt me i do not want to know...

i left not knowing. maybe i should've stayed to find out so i could ruin my idealization but i just didn't want to know. my stomach was turning & i instantly felt shitty. i had to go. all my dreams last night were regarding this & finding out. after i woke up early in the morning i couldn't go back to sleep because i was half asleep & debating how i'd react the next day & all the things i needed to do.

.........

between sanity and breakdown. i have been tiptoing on this thin thin border for the past few weeks. i think about all the things i need to do & i flip out. quite literally. i need to actively calm myself down & continue.

.........

i sound like i'm going insane. as pierre would point out i'd say: "greeeeat"

on daylight savings day: pierre said, "I wish everyday had 25 hours & then everyday would be like daylight savings day!"

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:03 AM PST
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Thursday, 22 September 2005

we are nerds quotes:

me: it was really gross last night i had a dream that we were all asked to bring the movie moulin rouge to this party & so everyone was going around looking for one & somehow there were a lot of different version & i was sitting in my dream calculating if it was an (s,S) or (Q,R) etc

erick: hahahahahahahahahaahah i had a Q,R dream as well!! i woke up all worried





(we were doing 150 hw & jon isn't in that class & we were stuck)
erick: we should ask jon i bet he'd know anyway
me: we can be like...ooh jon want to play a game???
erick: an inventory game?





i can't think of anymore at the moment though i know we have had tons...we decided we really just need a camcorder on us at all times




other random things...

lots of firsts last weekend (i typed this up & then comp froze so now i'm lazy & busy so i will bullet things)

- first time semi drinking...not for me...like i expected
- first time tailgating (davis v. stanford football game & davis won! it was an exciting game)
- first time making a stanford tree pinata!
- first time a guy i dated has met my dad
i can't remember anymore...i'm bitter all of a sudden because i found out someone else is trying to start a food club too...gah


Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:39 PM PDT
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Monday, 12 September 2005
i want to cry
i have seriously been on the verge of tears for the 2nd half of the day because i am just too overwhelmed by everything

i'm completely stressed out & i've even been losing weight the past two weeks, unhealthily, of course

i don't have the time to do anything

i even feel guilty eating because i feel like i'm wasting time

my head is constantly spinning & i've been getting headaches & i have to keep reminding myself what is next on my to do list or where to have to walk really fast to next

this is bad

i know most of it is psychological & a normal person could maybe handle this

but i guess i'm not one of those people

i will have to cut something soon & i think it will have to be work....i will see

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:50 PM PDT
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Sunday, 11 September 2005
quick update....& quotes make a comeback
so i only have time for a quick update on my life

-things have been going smoothly with the california culinary club...it is officially active & i just need to find the time to write a constitution..hopefully i can make time for it next week because i really need to worry about the funding, booking a room, & getting that club on its way

-the first general meeting for iie is next week & i've attended the first ejc (engineers' joint council) meeting..i didn't know engineering societies did not go thru asuc but just ejc to get funding..which is nice but annoying at the same time cuz 1, if it was thru asuc i could just do that stuff along w/ my ccclub stuff simultaneously 2, i wouldn't have to join an ejc committee w/ an 8 hr/ month extra commitment (if i get the position) but it's nice cuz i don't have to deal w/ the asuc as much i guess....& there is a president treasurer meeting i need to go to next week bah

-the first general meeting of the cooking decal has met & i met the otehr ta's certain people know how i feel about them already but i will not say anything on here because who knows who reads this...let's just say one already is getting on my nerves...the decal starts next week & labs start the week after that...i am SO glad now that i'm not a facilitator w/ christine cuz the extra work would drive me mad...

-job hunting...i'm sup'd to be working on that as i write this

-classes...i think this busy schedule has been helping me focus on school (eg, i never watch tv anymore because i can't afford to)...i seem to be getting things for the most part....but i foresee getting lost in 131

-work has been pretty hellish...i mean nothing i do is too hard but there is just so much of it i can't deal with it because i don't have the time to...i'm preparing a tuesday presentation for the boss now but they already talked about me doing even more work on the projects & i'm so scared of that this is not the time to be doing that to me...the boss because he is so stressed is starting to be a jerk...saying things like "just get the done" or "Find a way" & the thing is that is not possible because if there was a way don't you think i'd be on it? i HATE being talked down to as if i'm stupid..that is what i hated about my old jobs...at least this is temporary (the boss is normally not like that)...sept is just a really really work heavy month for them

i am trying to bring back my quotes of the day because i loved that but i haven't really been doing it so...since school started i have a few off the top of my head...

jamie is reading the daily cal (our school newspaper)
gareth: oooooh let me see my horoscope
jamie: why are you so impaitent..you can't just go through the day without knowing what will happen to you
gareth: nope...oooh that was a good horoscope now i'm excited


on the beach retreat..while driving doug was saying how the strawberries in that area were really really heavenly & they just kept describing it (it's hard to hear in the back of the car what the people in the front were saying)
jon: the taste is simply orgasmic
me: now i really want strawberries
erick: what after hearing they were orgasmic?
me: what? i didn't hear that part
jon: i just said that!
erick: we know what to get you for your birthday!...we'll go to your apartment & it will just be filled with strawberry leaves
(& they continue to imitate me)


in the hallway before the first day of class
jamie: why couldn't they at least wait til after labor day to start school...or better yet til thanksgiving
erick: why not just wait til after christmas
jamie: you convinced me


(sexual content below haha)
while doing 131 hw (we had to draw these models to signify certain queues)..for the last problem it was a line of people waiting for a person to load & unload the automatic machines..after drawing the models we had to think of creative real life examples of those models
alex: it could be like *wink wink nudge nudge* loading & unloading...they are loaded & then i unload
me: & apparently there's a line......
alex: it could be for doug the sex god

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 4:24 PM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 11 September 2005 4:38 PM PDT
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Monday, 29 August 2005
random tidbits
the school year has started & i'm already in over my head

i'm taking a technical writing class & 4 ieor classes & pe & then ta'ing that cooking decal...being a part of iie & maybe/hopefully starting that darn club i want to & during all that i have to somehow find a job for my life after school...gawd i'm so screwd

anyways

sat was chanda's bday. we had dinner at blue nile & drinks at blake's. we tried each other's drinks & everything was yummy. frozen mudslide, long island ice tea, gin & tonic, adios mf'er, chambord & cran, appletini, sex on the beach.

on a sort of random but not note

there is one thing that you can do that will make me lose complete respect for you & you can NEVER earn it back again with this one action.

i know it sounds harsh but there are a small handful of people that have ever fallen into this category so don't worry it's probably not you.

there are some people that treat people that they think are "uncool" or are deemed by peers as "uncool" badly.

eg, there was a boy at our school that was very introverted & very smart but he was "different" he was just very not sociable but there was nothing wrong with him he just didn't have many friends & people always made fun of him. it didn't help that i think his family enforced it because his brother was the complete opposite of him. certain people at our school would be mean to him not because he did anything but simply because they probably thought it'd be cool to be rude/mean to the "uncool"

in my own way of being protective of those that are weaker i completely lost any ounce of respect for that person.

are you not strong enough to know the difference between right & wrong? to not have to beat up one someone "weaker" to appear cool.

the thing is the rudeness was very subtle. but i know it probably hurt his self esteem over time.

i know this is completely random but i saw someone recently that fell into this category & that person has not changed at all & i am reminded of how much i hate people of that kind

it's strange because for someone having such low self esteem & having put up with verbal abuse all my life i am such a strong believer in protecting others from it....
that's when i realize even though i have changed i have not fully changed...i've only taken what i used to apply to others & applying it to myself
i use to want to save everyone else
& now i am finally trying to save myself

it's really bad since i've been spending more time not alone i've really lost touch w/ myself...i'm sure the start of school will change that

here are some random pics:

chanda being sung to by creepy mexican guys at blake's that took over 5 pics of us cuz i guess they thought the girls were really hot





us being dorks!





the cutest rhino alive



Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:57 PM PDT
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Friday, 12 August 2005
love
on my walk home from yoga
1 2 3 4 5
i saw 5 hearts engraved in the sidewalk & 1 word "LOVE"
perhaps it's the first thing that pops into a person's head to draw when they see wet cement

but it is really supported by "love is all around us" from love actually

so if love is all around us why i have spent hours of my life wondering why certain things never happened to me & why i never got the luxury of experiencing such pure & beautiful love...

i'd like to think i wasn't blind then
but that i just needed some coffee to wake me up
my brother's wedding was just the right dose

it all unfolded (now that i think about it) somewhat like "love actually" but in my own life

i went home friday night. things seemed fine until later that night...things fell apart like a poorly scripted soap opera (i do not plan on going into details) there was a lot of crying & i felt like my family was falling apart

at the end of the night i told my brother that we loved him & supported him

& in the middle of the night i heard a crash...being the paranoid person i am sometimes at home i got out of bed to see what happened...

on the ground of the bathroom face down was a handheld mirror we have had for what felt forever...maybe even before i was born...i lifted it...it was broken into a thousand little pieces...& having the flair of a drama queen inside my head...it felt like a bad bad omen

strangely the next day things weren't awkward as we headed on our 4 hour road trip together

it occurred to me that whatever may happen we were still family & i don't think any of us would ever let us fall apart

the road trip i thought would be boring & overly long

but it really reminded me how much i love my family

it was the first time in a long time all of us were together & spending time together even if it was because we had to since we were stuck in a car

our conversations were funny & entertaining

i loved it

through it all my dad was acting his part & there weren't any outbursts

i also realized despite their occassional dips my mom & dad were very much in love & they fit each others nooks & crannies perfectly

the words of the minister during the ceremony crept throughout my body..it tickled my heart & it made me want to cry for joy for the first time in my life

throughout this whole ordeal my dad clicked away with my camera like a good dad should

on the way home there was no talk of this drama & we continued on like we always had...fun & caring for each other

i ran into work late because i accidentally scheduled my work schedule wrong i saw my boss at my desk & i felt so bad i thought he was going to get mad at me..he simply said "i was just worried (because i'm never late or not there) i would've stayed in tahoe if i were you" & moved on...i felt a sense of relief & comfort that someone would care

right after i got off work i got a call from pierre which usually doesn't happen (he's usually not THAT eager to contact me haha) apparently he had missed me...in the whirlwind of the weekend, i did not realize how much i missed him until i saw him...being in his arms, i felt so loved

a couple of days later i was off to LA for the reception

there i felt & saw & heard how much our extended family cared for each other

i had not seen some of them for many many years but when we were all together it was as if nothing had changed...we were family afterall

everyone poked fun as each other & commented on how we had all grown

the laughter alone was worth the trip

during the trip down i also grabbed a lunch with erick & i thought it might either be awkward or fun because we hadn't seen each other since school ended...it was not awkward...we people watched like we always do, talked about random things, made fun of others, & listened to duran duran loudly in the car...it was great (though it did end up making my fam miss our flight haha but it's ok...)



in a short 2 weeks i had experienced & witnessed it all...
love between
a brother & a sister
a father & a son
a husband & a wife
a boss & an employee
a man & a woman
relatives
& friends...

so i can never say again that i haven't experienced love that i haven't seen it working its magic & that i haven't felt it's purity...love is not flawless but that is its beauty...that through it all you know the ones that love you will be there holding your hand along the way & not just waiting at the happy end...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:49 AM PDT
Updated: Friday, 12 August 2005 7:27 PM PDT
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children these days
i know my cousin is expecting an entry about a certain child...the only people that need to know who i'm talking about already know so no names will be mentioned but merely that this child made me realize a few things...1) i won't necessarily be as great a mom as i hope...2) raising a child is all about quality time with him/her...3) i can't shield him/her from the world but i can inform them about these things & the etiquette of when not to mention such things...

my cousin has already heard all the following before but i will write about it here for my own memory & for other interested stalkers...

my dad, mom, & i took the plane down to LA for my brother's wedding reception. it was a smaller plane than normal & a spacey flight. my mom & dad sat on the left side of the aisle & i sat alone on the right. four obnoxiously loud group of women (who were already getting dirty looks in the waiting area) was on our flight.

one was a birthday girl with a thick thick european accent & she was accompanied by her 3 friends to celebrate in las vegas. we were lucky enough be on the same flight & sitting int he 2nd row, right behind them. at first, only the two window seats were booked for them. the other two women were booked for row 9 & 10.

they loudly complained that the machine must have made a mistake & that this was ridiculous. they just stood there blocking the line (since they all wanted to be in the first row) so one woman asked the girl in one of the seats to move to row 10. she very reluctantly did so...she didn't say a thing just picked up her stuff & walked back with an expressionless face...her only reward being she didn't have to listen to them complain the whole flight...

then the birthday girl asked for the flight attendant to place her carry on somewhere & she asked to place it right in my dad's leg room (not even under the seat!) & my dad refused obviously & the birthday girl was already annoyed...

then the other girl walked in that was booked for row 1. she was asian & had with her an oil painting. they asked her to move to row 9 but she very scared & quietly said she planned to sit in row 1 so there was room for her painting. the flight attendant for some reason was on the loud women's side. maybe it was because she was about the same age or because they were white (i don't want to rule that reason out because there is more racism in the world than we want to admit). the flight attendant told the asian girl she couldn't put her painting there anyways & she'd be better off in row 9. so she also reluctantly moved because there was nothing she could say. she was looking out for her own good & shot down.

the row 9 woman very excitedly moved up with ehr friends. in the meantime the birthday girl kept very very loudly saying...she was just rude! so ridiculous! & mean! children these days! (which she kept repeating with her thick unattractive accent)then the woman that moved up from row 9 asked her fried that was originally booked for row 10..."was she being diffcult or...stupid" her friend gave her a rolled eyes look & she sympathetically said "oh it was the latter" she went on to say how children these days are so unreasonable & stupid

they closed the airplane door for liftoff & that woamn took out a colorful hardbound book with a huge $9.95 sticker still stuck on the cover over the title which she proceeded to leave on her lap--closed as they gossiped the rest of the flight...



there is nothing worse than stupid people that think they are intelligent & better than others...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:04 AM PDT
Updated: Friday, 12 August 2005 9:54 AM PDT
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