my deal with the cat, nightmares, yoga v. life
everytime i'd walk home from yoga i'd pass this cat
he was black w/ tints of reddish brown
& he had an air about him
i'd meow, he'd look at me & then turn away...he could care less
then about a week ago while walking to yoga i saw him running from a house (that wasn't his owner's house) all disheveled & dirty..he looked up at me & ran away
that day when i walked back from yoga..the normally too good for me cat ran down the steps to greet me...
he rubbed against my leg & purred & would jump a little to reach my hand to encourage me to pet him...
this went on for a good 5 minutes...
i imagined him telling me it's our little secret that i ran from that house...so in exchange for silence i'll give you furry attention...it worked
in recent days i've been having an abnormal amount of nightmares...
i don't normally have nightmares & if i do i usually don't remember them or they're so spaced out it doesn't matter...
but now i can't even remember the last dreams i've had...i only remember a lot of nightmares...
i guess overall my sleep has been studded w/ them & it probably explains why i seem tired...& it's kinda scary because i'm almost afraid to sleep...
i used to be all about the analyzation of my dreams but i think i suck at it now...i can't figure out if it's someting crying inside dying to come out or it's just all my fears...& it's just so ironic that i'm pretty happy in my life right now but in my sleep many things haunt me...it makes me wonder if my happiness is all an act for me & my mind is trying to tell me to be aware of that
there are two main themes...
death & betrayal
many of them i wake up just before i know that i was about to die...i just never saw my own death...or maybe i was dead & it was black...i usually wake up from these in a cold sweat & breathing hard & completely scared
the betrayal...i just wake up heart wrung out...it's strange because i don't think i even feel the pain in the dream anymore when this happens..i'm just stoic
it bothers me
i remember a time i wanted to escape my dreams so badly because every night i'd be hurt in a different way...
this can't be healthy...i need to cleanse myself
i've been really happy but more recently people say things to me & i begin to worry...& i begin to have doubt & then i start to hurt for no reason & i bring it all upon myself...something about now is making me vulnerable...
i need to start tackling all the things i planned to do this summer or else i won't forgive myself...& i will find myself in a deeper rut & it can only get worse from there
i need to have confidence...the thing is even if i have confidence...it doesn't mean things will work out...we will take things as they come...that's all i can guarantee...there is no use worrying about it...& truth be told...i'm probably the lowest maintenance but stable & loving one most people could find...i know that sounds bitchy/cocky..however you take it...but it's the truth...i know it
my best days at yoga are the ones where i'm so tired i have to force myself to go...
my thoughts are that i'm so tired i don't really think about things as much & i don't go into a position thinking about how i'm going to get there i just do it...i'm a lot more relaxed & i get to the position by just focusing on that task at hand
as is with life
you think about it too much..you worry it to death...it gets you no where besides delving yourself deeper into something that doesn't exist...
it makes you feel helpless & you'd thought about it so much there is no living in it anymore..there is no spontaneity...that's not life anymore...that's a play
just relax (go do it..haha i had to)...handle things as they arrive...don't fix it if it ain't broke...don't question things especially if it brings you happiness...& enjoy the ride...