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C is for...candor
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Monday, 13 June 2005
quote-title
only a couple of people will "get" this quote

me: so that's my title now?

oh yea & i had a fabulous weekend:
-bowling in a suit & dress
-steve's bbq
-mr. & mrs. smith..i thought it was a good movie...but i guess it is kinda predictable
-guitar playing...hot! :)
-guitar learning...i suck but i try



Posted by blog/c_is_for at 4:43 PM PDT
Updated: Monday, 13 June 2005 10:18 PM PDT
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battling images
everyday people have to shield thmselves from images...

yea i guess this works for stereotypes too...
but that's not really my intention...the images i'm talking about are those that certain people impose on you even after knowing you...

i guess for me...it started particularly early

all though about middle school & definitely all through high school my image was simply & purely: the nice girl

no matter what people threw at me...that was what i was...

it all started innocently enough

being nice was my nature (& when i say nice...i MEAN nice...overly nice...you couldn't hate me if you tried...but it wasn't a fake nice..it was very sincere at least at first) i would make people things & make them feel special. hell you could even tell from my yearbook messages that was the image i had & then came the catch

it was a good image to have..i'm not complaining i'd rather be known as nice than as most other things people dream up in high school

it was an image i had to uphold for myself now that it was established...if i deviated it would draw negative attention & it'd spread like wildfire (ah the greatness of high school)

in this battle i let it win

it took over me...it messed me up...it often left me upset/sad because niceness leads to eventual screw-over of myself

let's just say there is a fine line between being nice & being used

of course, i haven't really gotten over this niceness thing because i enjoy being nicer than the average bear but it's been better nowadays

then..there are the parents

images they set for you at higher than you'd probably set for yourself

or maybe it's not even that they are higher but simply that they are constantly there to enforce this image upon you

the pressure of both academic & physical success were my greatest image barriers

i knew i was capable of fitting the academic image...& i tried...but probably not as hard as if i had pushed myself to do it because i truly wanted it...i turned out alright i suppose

i remember when my brother went through a phase of being obsessed with the letter A...no joke...the mention of any other letter was cause havoc in his world...it was his goal embedded in his mind...but i guess unlike him i never made this a huge personal goal...but that is the impact our parents have on us...yea people say it's for our own good but so is our sanity

then there is the image that i talk about often...that physical image...one of a skinny asian girl that probably ate a carrot stick a day

but i talk of that battle too often...

that battle was probably the longest one of my life...it's still not fully clear if it is over & who has won

then there is the image that has sparked this whole entry (to a person who knows who he/she is...please don't see this as an attack or paranoia it has no effect on my feelings whatsoever & i hope it won't effect yours either...it's purely an internal battle)

in each of my relationships or even crushes sans the one w/ adam..i have had to live up to an image that i could NEVER defeat at least in my mind

ken
he had his typical obsessions (natalie portman & zhang ziyi) which are fine for me now but bothered me back then & as i told erick one time "it just bothers me cuz if it were a real person i could probably beat them up in a cat fight or talk crap about then but it's an unreachable person for both of us & in reality neither of us really know her & therefore she is an image of perfection"

but more applicable to me was this girl...let's give her the name of tracy...tracy had rejected him back in the day...she was not all that cute...she was all around very regular....(not to take away from her any good qualities)

i know some guys are all about the chase..it gets your heart pumping & adrenaline rushing & they get a kick out of the uncertainty of it all

i know in his mind...simply because he did not have a chance to see what it'd be like..he had already idealized tracy inside his head...how great it would be to be with her...how wonderful she was & how much prettier she seemed because she was now a forbidden fruit...

the reality of me (how i was & how i acted) could never compare to that of a perfect woman inside his brain & it really hurt sometimes...

cuz everyone has flaws & the fact that he never got to see what she'd be like in a relationship he never got to see those flaws

& i remember at the time it made me wonder if she came knocking if he would've just left in a heartbeat

i guess in the end it was all inside my head this battle i played out if i ever felt insecure but the truth of it is that he fed into it...he'd tell me things that would only make this battle more & more real...it was a sketch that grew into a full blown piece of artwork

dominic
with dominic things were fine at first...then his issues started to emerge...it was no so much the issues that got me but how he chose to deal with them...with him this image "problem" was even more painful because it was such a contrast....the beginning was beautiful it was out of a movie....& maybe it was just too perfect to last...the end...it was like when you stand at the platform & you see the lights of the train coming...you see the sign flashing the announcement of the train's approach & yet you step right onto the tracks & get hit with a powerful impact

image this time around was about an ex gf this was tougher because the absense of her made him forget anything bad that might've happened...romanticizing her to the point of perfection...& the blending of this with an emotional attachment & the issues he was dealing with basically made her seem like a goddess in comparison to me who was on the front lines of this war with his issues all cut up & dirty...trying to solve the problems with an open heart, listening ear, and tissue in hand...it just wasn't pretty....

hearing about this imagery of her from him was even less pretty...for me

& in this battle...she won...

i let the images of her overcome me

even in retrospect though...i don't see myself having handled it any other way...when he'd go see her he'd put on a happy face & at night he'd call me & i'd spend time with him til the wee hours of the morning comforting him & trying to be positive as he told me dark dark things..i was backstage & she was the audience...i don't see how else i could've dealt with it at the time...

& now i see myself...completely overcome with happiness but a tinge of jealousy changes me

i try not to act differently towards the other person but the thing is it's an internal battle & nothing that person says or does will change how i feel...

i didn't used to be this way

but my past experiences have taught me to fear certain things...& this is one of them

i hate how something so stupid can control me...& the reason why it hate it so much is because i know it is nothing more than my own insecurities...i guess in a way though it's not just insecurities but the desire to be special...i want to think that i'm the only one that can make someone feel a certain way & with some image lingering over me that I could never match much less surpass hurts me..it makes me feel like i'm really not all that unique...but i guess in the end that IS insecurity..because if i was fully confident i wouldn't even question the fact that i make that person feel special & that is why they are with me...but then the devil's advocate connie would say...well maybe you're the backup...you're that rebound because he can't have that image of perfection...but i don't want to be that negative...i haven't been that negative in so long...& the thought of these things makes my heart jump with fright (literally)...i refuse to have those thoughts invade my mind...but see in the past these thoughts have always been fairly accurate...but i guess each situation is different...& right now...this feel just right...i need to stop questioning things & i need to let go so i can be happy in any situation i may find myself in...i apologize for those that have to deal with me & the bitter things i say in the aftermath of a battle....it can be tough

it is a fight to the death...only one may survive...

either this concept of a perfect image that no one could ever live up to or your sanity/happiness

in the end, it's your call

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:24 AM PDT
Updated: Monday, 13 June 2005 4:41 PM PDT
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Friday, 10 June 2005
to a specific person...
in reference to what you had said that morning & i asked later if you meant what you had said...

i know i didn't have much of a response either times

but i'll tell you through this...if you ever read this

i feel the same way

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:19 PM PDT
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Thursday, 9 June 2005
my life's to do list...updated
it's been over a year since i posted an entry in which i wrote a list of things i wanted to do eventually...

& so i will repost it again to remind myself as well as add/delete from it...

(in no particular order)
1. start card company
2. learn to ride a motorcycle
3. own a motorcycle
4. be on food network
5. start a restaurant/invest in one
6. start a show
7. be a teacher
8. at least travel to each continent
9. be able to cook foods of all styles
10. develop recipes
11. own a mini
12. build a big sand castle
13. be a good mom
14. for a week, do my hair a different way each way
15. go clubbing
16. learn how to mix drinks
17. for a month, make a different meal from scratch each night
18. road trip
19. go on a real shopping spree (for me not my kitchen or friends which i tend to do a lot:T)
20. go fishing
21. spend the night at a beach & fall asleep on the sand
22. have a real picnic
23. meet someone that loves me as much as i love them, if not more
24. eat at a majority of famous restaruants
25. make some piece of furniture
26. have a website
27. get a professional full body massage
28. get pampered at a spa
29. fully write & produce a song
30. invent something useful
31. go to culinary school (even if it's a summer program)
32. enter a cooking contest
33. go to chicago & eat at that food fair thing
34. write a book of some kind
35. make a piece of clothing & wear it
36.
37.
38.
39.
40.
41.
42.
43.
44.
45.
46.
47.
48.
49.
50.
will add when i think of more...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:36 PM PDT
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random quote
i saw this quote written on a journal at barnes & noble & i love it:

"memory is the diary that we all carry about with us" ~oscar wilde

this goes along with the river teeth entry

in my memory are embedded moments i will never forget....down to the details...what every one of my senses were perceiving...& most importantly how i felt

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:40 PM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 9 June 2005 11:52 PM PDT
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Wednesday, 8 June 2005
quote for me
there are many but i will post just one

"how could anyone get sick of this"

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:18 AM PDT
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Tuesday, 7 June 2005
campus market
the place i used to work

it's a source of so much anger/bitterness but i've spent so many hours of my life in that tiny little store that i know it has made up a bit of my life

i worked there sophomore year of college & now the owners are selling the place

kaori, the manager, asked me to work there last sunday because she didn't trust any of the current workers...so i accepted since i sell cards there too

the day was long but it didn't seem that long because the novel idea of working behind the counter came back...

so many people came & so many people went & every interaction was unique...the familar faces & the new

the first customer of the day was this homeless lady that always came in when i worked there too...
she was always either very nice or just psycho...i worked there long enough to have seen both quite a bit....this morning she was nice....i think she knows i look familiar but she's too crazy to remember how....she asked me about my major & talked about berkeley for what seemed forever...& i just smile & nodded politely

then...there was the guy that worked at a store nearby that used to always come in when i worked there too...always to get a can of pringles...for a "discounted" price...first thing he said "i haven't seen you in a long time" i realized it had been a year...that's crazy...he proceeded to tell me all about his jury duty that has gone on for 3 weeks now & all the details of his trips to & from the courthouse...

& as usual...there were a few boys that would be a bit flirtateous

& always a few stinky homeless guys that would buy a drink

then there was an old lady with a thick european accent...she bought haagen daz pint...she told me to open it for her & place it in a doubled mini plastic bag...it wasn't annoying..it was kind of cute...i gave her a plastic spoon & napkins...i knew she wanted to dig in..she fumbled with her change a little like a typical older lady & when i gave her back 75 cents she flipped each one to see if they were the state ones...& she proceeded to tell me how there would be new coins for dimes & nickels too & that i should collect them because it's a free hobby...it made me smile..."you go to school here?" "yes" "and you working? ah poor thing" there was one old quarter in the bunch & she handed it to me "for you" she said

then later in the day...3 high school students walked in...one with long hair & the other two w/ short...the long haired one lagged behind as his friends walked forward into the chips area...i watched them walk but from my right ear i heard the cooler open & close & a small thunk & as i turned to look in that direction the long haired guy walked through the doors...all i could think was "i'm not stupid" he joined his friends & as he passed me i stared at him w/ a raised brow that let him know i knew what he did...he tried to act oblivious....& out of no where i mustered this courage (it can probably be attributed to a certain person heehee) but i said to him as he was wandering around "you have to pay for that" "i dunno what you're talking about" & he repeated it over & over only proving to me more he did something...i walked outside...saw the ice cream pint hiding under our store sign (so did another guy who picked it up & then handed it to me & entered the store) i put it back in the cooler & said to that long haired guy "that was completely unnecessary"...his friends freaked & paid for their stuff silently & left...

that guy that had picked up the pint outside said "take care of yourself" after he bought stuff

chanda's friends lea & ashley came in...surprised to see me working there...cuz they didn't know me when i did work there...

at night a family comes in frantically looking for gift wrap or a gift bag to wrap an impromptu present they had just bought...

as i am about the close an asian woman w/ a large rimmed hat comes in panting..."do you know where the nearest coffee place is? i've been looking everywhere & everything is closed...& i'm dying for an expresso right now" "how about next door?" "oh i didn't try them"


in a few hours of work i had seen my past & my present...

it was kinda nice to see all those faces again but it reminded me that all this...this life & this connie was no longer the present connie....& there are people in my present that don't know of my past....

all the anger & grief that these jobs(zee zee & campus) caused me was unknown to them all...
proof that it was all behind me now
& that it's only a fond memory looking back
having met all these people
being a part of all their lives in a tiny tiny way through routine actions
simply because i was the person that rang them up & bagged their purchases

it made me feel kinda special to have been a drop of water in their sea of memories

& i know i will miss campus market more than i'd ever want to admit...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:46 PM PDT
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& what i meant
Mood:  lucky
by crushed out was i'm so full of crush haha
though i'm not sure if that's what it means...
just to clarify things to a certain silly paranoid person

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:04 PM PDT
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Sunday, 5 June 2005
river teeth
Mood:  crushed out
this is mainly for me to remember....

river teeth intro

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:21 PM PDT
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it's all a crazy happy dream
Mood:  happy
there are so many things i could say right now but i will just leave one sentence...to make him smile

"i am the luckiest bastard on the planet"

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 7:46 PM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 5 June 2005 8:29 PM PDT
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