Site hosted by Angelfire.com: Build your free website today!
 
C is for...candor
« June 2005 »
S M T W T F S
1 2 3 4
5 6 7 8 9 10 11
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26 27 28 29 30
Entries by Topic
All topics  «
Blog Tools
Edit your Blog
Build a Blog
View Profile
You are not logged in. Log in
Sunday, 5 June 2005
river teeth
Mood:  crushed out
this is mainly for me to remember....

river teeth intro

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:21 PM PDT
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
it's all a crazy happy dream
Mood:  happy
there are so many things i could say right now but i will just leave one sentence...to make him smile

"i am the luckiest bastard on the planet"

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 7:46 PM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 5 June 2005 8:29 PM PDT
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
Friday, 3 June 2005
opps
i'm at work & randomly reading bits of my blog & i realized that in the entry w/ our ieor emails back & forth it took into acct the html tags & didn't post the end of gareth's email making me look even nerdier than i am cuz it didn't post the funny part sooo...if you're at all interested it's been edited

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 2:49 PM PDT
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
Tuesday, 31 May 2005
influence
before i start this entry which i have been meaning to write since thursday i have to say that last entry was realllly boring haha i just read it & i guess it was more for me than for you...
but whatever...it was just to remind myself of the nice time i had this weekend...oh yea & all the shopping was because my brother (aka gug which is what i call him) is getting married...

ANYWAYS
on with the show


so thursday
dominic calls me...
this is strange since he barely calls me...
the last time we talked on the phone was probably more than just a few months ago
the first thing he says to me is
"i have a stalker"
ok......
& he proceeds to tell me how this girl keeps im'ing him & pestering him saying things like "you broke my heart" yada yada yada...& he says she knows about him more than just a name...so i offered suggestions on how this girl might know...
i didn't really understand why he was telling me all this...was it to make me jealous? or just for conversation? or for advice?
& then my answer came
i forget the exact words but it went something like this
"so i know i did you wrong...do you have anything to do with this?"
"you're kidding right?...i just offered you a bunch of ways as to how a girl might get your info & you think i'm up to this..."
"well maybe not you..maybe your friend"
"um no how crazy do you think i am?"


i'm a lot calmer nowadays & i'm well over many of the things that haunt my past otherwise i probably would've blown up at this accusation

i just wanted to ask what kind of influence do you think you have over me that a year or more after i'm still pining after you & seeking revenge at that?

that's ridiculous
if he knew me well enough he'd understand that connie is a constantly changing being
i don't just sit there discontent like he does or most people do for that matter

recalibrating is a part of my everyday life...

it's probably the only thing that keeps me sane

& maybe that's why i'm sorta bitchy when i comes to people that sit there unhappy & don't do anything about it...whether it be seek help or find something that gives them joy or just find any way to get out of that situation....
i guess i consider myself lucky because i can just sit there by myself with myself & figure things out & make myself happy again

anyways...this isn't the pt

influence

so then he continues on with the convo as if nothing happened...(surprisingly since i'm so mellow nowadays i didn't stay annoyed) & he asked "are you still the same major?" "err...yea?" & he was like "oh i thought i would've affected you enough that you'd change to a humanities major" "um ok......"

& once again i was so confused as to why he thought his opinion ruled & changed my life dramatically

no...sorry...it really doesn't

i let people affect me
but i don't let them or want them to control me

that means that in the end i always have a say
my actions & my thoughts are my own

i remember when i started talking to adam again
& told me how he thought of me often after our breakup & he told me how i had affected him

i told dom that i had no idea i left an impact on people's lives...
& he said "you don't think you EVER make an impact & that's just untrue"

or as ben hockaday said to me once "you will NEVER forget an ex gf...you have had memories with her that stay with you"

i'm pretty sure i do it for self pity
but at the same time i think i'd rather think that i have no influence than to think i impact things people do...

i guess this is purely a result of confidence

& i guess i know my confidence is fairly low
though it's better nowadays

but i'd rather be me
than act like i have some sort of mida's golden touch

but like the story....it just leads to downfall

pierre said the other day that he realized he usually left an impression with people whether good or bad

& i'm pretty sure in high school i never left that sort of imprint

now...i don't know

probably more so

then it led me to a past convo i had with my cousin

if something were to happen to me would people actually come to mourn for me

i think more would come than i'd think

& on the bart i was thinking of those hypothetical questions that are often asked

if a whole country of people would not be killed if you were to die & they wouldn't know that it was you & they would just continue with their lives would you accept this offer?

i wouldn't even think twice
i would say yes

& i forget where it was i read this...probably some quiz or survey...but i've been told this more than once...i seem to want to find the best in people i want to bring out their potential...

& i guess that works with my answer...
in my head the amount that this country of people would accomplish & the lives they would each lead & the moments they would make is all more worth it than my one single life

& i guess this also goes along with how i want to leave my influence on the world

i really don't care about the acknowledgement of my influence
just the fact that i made the influence is joy enough
it is the story of my life
i've come to terms with everything that goes with the job

& ironically i will end with a quote from dom in an old coversation with me: "you're like spiderman. it is your gift and it is your curse"

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:14 PM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 31 May 2005 10:14 PM PDT
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
Monday, 30 May 2005
updates!
quotes for the past few days:

thurs

pierre: what?
me: nothing

me: what?
pierre: nothing


fri

(in a convo about disliking vegetarians & vegans)
anthony: so what about like cow manure fertilized plants!
me: i think you're onto something here...next time they have a debate be sure to bring that up

(one of the quizno's trays is facing the wrong way so i adjust it & anthony pretends he is about to put his the wrong way just to spite me)
me: you bastard...see? i can be like you too


anthony: have a good life


weekend


(mom is calling vallco shopping center to see when they close)
mom on phone: 7? you know it's sunday? so 7? are you sure?
gug to me (referring to my mom): this is why we're so messed up


(mom told earlier me she & my dad keep interrupting each other & they're growing so old that they just keep forgetting what they're gonna say after that)
(mom walks into the room in which i'm watching tv)
mom:....i forget what i'm gonna say
me: & i didn't even interrupt you




so....recap on the past 4 days

thurs
i don't remember too much cept that i got a shot & pierre came over with pulled pork sandwiches from that deli he raves about & we had that & peach cider & it was super tasty...it makes me want to make pulled pork again! but that's a 6 hr time investment...& the potato salad with it was delish too...thank you pierre! & we hung out watching tv...having convo...it was nice:)

friday
i worked the day away & left early cuz the boss is sick so i didn't have much to do..once i was done i left...& then anthony picked me up for a goodbye dinner...we went to quizno's & i had it for the first time! i had the angus beef one with his reccommendation...it was delish...the sauces are probably the best part....convo was nice...we gossiped about the ieor dept & such...it was fun...it was sad to see him go...i hope we will keep in touch....
afterwards i went home on bart & my mom & i went to great mall but stores were closing...we managed to look at a few stores...the dresses were nice but since they were closing the fitting rooms were closed so i didn't buy anything...

sat
my mom & i went to santana row & valley fair to shop some more...mom saw some jackets at st. john she liked but they didn't have her size...she told us to go to the sf one which have more options...i tried on a dress at bcbg it was nice but something about all bcbg skirts/dresses...they're hemmed weird or cut weird cuz they always has this bump near the hip area has if it was stuck on a hanger too long...i thought maybe it was me but then i saw it in their catalog too & those girls are sticks...sooo yea...i'm unsure now...

sun
don't really remember...cept headed to vallco for more "shopping" to get more of an idea

mon
off to sf union square for the st. john store & other random stores...so after spending much time in the st. john store we ordered this petunia (aka bright pink) jacket w/ full length skirt...it looks nice...very elegant...& then to berk we had a nice dinner at that seafood & vegetarian place we always eat & then they stopped so i could buy naan n curry for gug for them to take home...chanda's mom had given me some stuff for her so i went to her apt & we watched lemony snicket's series of unfortunate events...it was pretty good...not AMAZING but definitely worth a watch...then jenn liu came over & we decided to go to fenton's creamery which i've never been to sooo we got a pint w/ caramel swirl almond, cookie dough, and heath bar....good stuff...oh eya i felt guilty because i had thrifty ice cream in sf w/ my parents...hahahah i made them get it cuz i haven't seen thrifty ice cream in forever & it's so good! & cheap at that...had black cherry (my usual when i was little)


these past few days minus the extra lbs i gained haha have been amazing....
i haven't had such a nice time in a long time
love it

plus i love my family esp. when gug is there
we're adorable haha

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:42 PM PDT
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
Wednesday, 25 May 2005
random quotes
from monday
yoga instructor: now touch your heels & if you can't touch your heels, touch your heels

Life is a play! 'Tis not its length but its performance that counts.
~Seneca

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:42 PM PDT
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
Monday, 23 May 2005
as the end of the school yr rounds out
i haven't been able to update this blog recently cuz angelfire was having problems but now i will put up a bunch of random stuff that i wrote in notepad during this time...


thinking in the shower:
there is no such thing as protecting us form the truth
if you know it will hurt us why are you doing it in the first place

one truth is better than a thousand lies & then the eventual truth
because not only have you betrayed us in that one truth that you know will hurt us
but you have betrayed us a thousand extra times


quotes that i remembered from the past week that i never posted

(in the dining hall studying where the ceiling is wannabe artsy maybe but it looks unfinished)
erick: it looks like a spaceship station
me: it looks like ribbon
erick: & that's the difference between guys & girls


(we're talking about erick being gay & a few guys walk by)
me: you have to stay masculine *cough* cars
erick: *cough cough* (in a deeper voice) cars cars


(when he called me half drunk offa commencement reception champagne)
gareth: did you want to grab something to eat?
me: umm are you trying to try something
gareth: well if you don't wanna i have like 9 other hot girls in line i can call
me: i guess i'm at least ahead of those 9 other girls


me: *jaw drops when i see jon's shaved head*
jon: *pretends to drop his jaw too*
later...
doug: you're bald!


(when studying i kept breaking my lead & it kept flying towards anthony)
1st time
me: i'm sorry i didn't mean it
anthony: it's fine don't worry about it
2nd time
me: sorrrrrry!
anthony: it's fine. i mean...you bastard!
me: haha yea this time it was aimed for your food so you can get lead poisoning
3rd time
anthony: you bastard!


(made pierre watch futurama & then when i was flipping thru channels he made me watch buffy & i was falling asleep)
pierre: you made me watch tv now i will make YOU watch tv!


gareth to friend (not sarcastically): yea this girl is so smart she always says "i don't geeeeet it"
me: yea cept meinus the fact that i really don't get it


gareth: if i offend you or embarrass you in any way i apologize in advance


(we ran out of cups near the end of the commencement reception..all we had left was bottles of cider & champagne)
prof lim: i guess i'll take this (grabs an open bottle of cider)
prof shen: & i this (picks up an open bottle of champagne)
lim: this is classy...drink up mate!
*clicks glass bottles with each other & both chugs*

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:58 PM PDT
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
Friday, 20 May 2005
finals are over...
so after 2 finals today my brain hurt...literally & it felt fried

i called chanda afterwards & we went to walgreens, target, office depot, & safeway...

walgreens i read trashy magazines as i waited for chander & at target i bought a bunch of stuff to pamper myself...bath fizzy things, soem knitting stuff, those izze soda things i've always been curious about, & liquid soap....
safeway i bought a lot of fatty foods....but gawd brie is so good how can anyone resist! umm ok i know i'm being really boring but i can't help it...

the events of this night made me really upset

i don't know if there is something physically wrong with me....or why it seems that everytime i am in public or around other people our relationship changes...

i know i set myself up for disappointment because i expect something to happen & nothing ever does & i just get upset but in reality i am upset over something that never was really there

& i find myself on the verge of hating all females...& i guess that makes me a female...but the second they do something i'm onto them & i hate them for it...i find every reason i can to hate them....oh they're so slutty...oh they think they have a nice body but they don't....ok their face is NOT even cute...that typical bitchy girl stuff course i keep it contained in my head...

i really don't know why i do this to myself...
i'm so happy with myself until someone else steps into the picture & then my head goes haywire & it can't handle things the way they normally can...but i guess that's the difference of the heart & the mind....

& that's why my heart always wins in those situations because my mind can no longer make sense of the situation...

& i don't know why i always want to give people the benefit of the doubt & i want to find things wrong around people so i can continue to idolize them

i guess there is always difficulties in finding fault in things/ones you love...(eg, for some people, themselves)

i hate feeling so vulnerable

i suppose i will take this as a no

on another note i found out a friend is a carrier of hepatitis b because of her mom & is "very contagious" & i feel so horrible because she doesn't cry & she was bawling...

i don't have much to say on the subject cept that it made me feel that much worse about today

gawd i feel so sad

like an angry or hurt little ball

i need to rid myself of this negativity

sooo...i talked a lot to arta tonight & he's so cool & funny....he said he's really interested in helping me out in starting my club so that will be fun...i will definitely do some research in the next few weeks & get a head start...

i also....don't laugh! wrote a list of the lists i need to make! places i want to eat in berkeley before i leave...etc...

& although i have nothing formally booked my summer is rather packed with stuff i want to do & i think i will be a lot better at accomplishing these things this summer since i'll be staying up here & i won't watse my day away watching tv...berkeley makes me a lot more motivated

oh yea last night studying for 165...
after anthony left i checked my mail & got these three emails & i remember why i love my ieor friend so much:

from jon

He's said we've needed to know that for every test so far, but we haven't yet. The equation is that for a significance level alpha, which we want to reject with probability 1 - beta, we need n samples,
where:

n = [((z_alpha/2 + z_beta)^2)sigma^2] / [(u_1 - u_0)^2]

_ for subscript, ^ for superscript, z for standard normal, u_1 for the actual mean, u_0 for the mean we're testing for in the null hypothesis

He could have been talking about something totally different, as I did miss the review session. And like a complete moron, I just realized that this is all on page 299. But I typed it up so I'm sending it out anyway!


from jamie

This is an official announcement.... 165 is stealing my life force


from gareth

I am turning in. There is no way I can possibly understand how to not reject the null hypothesis that opposes our intution because the p-value = Probability(TS>x)less than .03 and .03 less than significant alpha. I want to cry. People are taking shots while listening to my favorite genre in the room next door. There's some hot girl wandering the halls with her parents. It feels like one of those movies.... sigh!






& the quote for tonight:

a drunk gareth: are you lesbian?
me: NO!
gareth: prove it!!
arta: i think i'm going home now, do you want to go now too?
me: yes, i think this is an opportune time to leave

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:38 AM PDT
Updated: Friday, 3 June 2005 2:47 PM PDT
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
Wednesday, 18 May 2005
quote-dentist
this was from about a month ago & i think i forgot to post it

chanda: yea i went to my dentist today & it was sooo crowded
me: well i guess maybe he's a good dentist
chanda: yea he seems like a nice guy
(chanda's mom says something in the background that i can't hear to which chanda responds: i know! i'm not setting them up, mom!)
me: umm what did she say?
chanda: she said 'he's too old for connie.'

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:02 PM PDT
Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink | Share This Post
Tuesday, 17 May 2005
let's take a break & explore our options
this is a completely random entry & not related to my life at all but i was sitting there "studying" & i felt like talking about this

several of my friends have taken this route

this

"let's take a break for a while, see other people (explore other options), & then we can decide if we want to get back together"

mode

& i don't think i've heard a single happy story

see...when you do that you're saying to the person
"umm well i'm gonna go out there see if i can do better than you or see if our relationship really is good compared to others i can have & i'll get back to you on my decision"

the thing is...if a relationship is working..this mode should never come up

if you're happy with the relationship...you wouldn't question it

it's almost like call waiting...i'll put you on hold, talk to the person on the other line & if they have more interesting things to say, i'm gonna hang up on you/never switch back & if not, i'll end that & come back...

in a working relationship there should never even be that desire to want to know if you can "do better" or what other relationships you may have would be like...

you should feel so lucky to have each other that you know it's right

& granted i know life is not perfect & relationships are not like the ones out of fairytales...trust me i know first hand how bad it can be

but...i think if there is any doubt...then this relationship should not exist

don't be there for pity or sympathy or for fear that you can't find someone better/being alone...don't just be there for the sake of being there

no one wants that in the end

how unfulfilling is a relationship that you know will be contained in a box & never become anything more than what it currently is

if you're mature enough you'd know to leave this so called relationship out of it & just be friends

nothing good can ever come of this "mode"

i've seen it where the person suggesting it ends up feeling really hurt because the other person kept actively dating & being physical with other people & my friend was not...expecting them to just get back together...they are now back together but things will never be the same...there's often bitterness

i've seen it where they're both just unhappy & they end up getting back together anyways

& i'm sure there are many a times when one of them wants to be together again & the other does not


it's just a stupid thing to put this so called relationship through

but i guess if the mode ever came up in the first place there is already something faulty there & maybe it was supposed to end anyways...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:10 PM PDT
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post

Newer | Latest | Older