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C is for...candor
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Monday, 2 May 2005
pure innocence
& in the midst of the hectic life of being a berkeley student, she sees this gorgeous flower slowly blossoming with every day

she is inspired by the white glow of this rose flaunting its beauty along a trash strewn sidewalk

& understanding the short life of this moment she snapped a picture in hopes that it may last forever...



Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:33 PM PDT
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Sunday, 1 May 2005
snatching others' words
Now Playing: a lot like love soundtrack
so my cousin was just telling me how she watched a lot like love & how she liked the soundtrack & i said yea..that's the first thing i said after i saw it too!

& then today chanda comes over for pizza & hands me the soundtrack cuz she bought it yesterday & brought it so i could copy it...

wow....all i can say is great minds think alike..i didn't even mention it yesterday

anyways...i don't know if it's because it reminds me of the movie or simply because i like the song but brighter than sunshine by aqualung is simply beautiful...

Brighter than sunshine

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didnt believe in destiny
I look up you're standing next to me
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, i don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine
And it's brighter than sunshine

I never saw it happening
I'd given up and given in
I just couldn't take the hurt again
What a feeling

I didn't have the strength to fight
Suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

I got a feeling in my soul ...(repeat chorus to end)




all i can say is i wish that would happen to me....




so i was cleaning up the area around me...

i have the tendency to scribble stuff on post its i think of or things i find on sites or quotes as i read that i find intriguing & then i forget about it & i clean & find a mound of amazing tidbits...

gawd i'm so "artsy" prone like that..like writing ideas on napkins anyways...

so i share one quote with you i saw when i was reading legal studies last semester was it? yea...

"Those who most need to be made wiser and better, usually desire it least, and, if they desired it, would be incapable of finding the way to it by their own lights."

in that sense i'm glad i am always trying to find ways to improve myself so i know i don't fall into that category

there has been a random orange piece of paper floating about my desk since summer before sophomore year w/ a heart cut out of it (a heart i used for a card template) & on it were a few page numbers out of gaudy night a book we read for english that summer...i don't know if i ever finished reading it...the story itself was kinda stupid but the wording was very nice...the character development as well...

i'm looking up the quotes now & here is what i have

(p. 55)
"Something funny there, thought Harriet. A personal history, probably. How difficult it was not to be embittered by personal experience. She went down to the J.C.R. and examined herself in the mirror. There had been a look in the History Tutor's eyes that she did not wish to discover in her own."

on that same page i had underlined some stuff too i don't know if it was for a paper but i'm guessing not

"All women are sensitive to male criticism. Men are not sensitive to female criticism."

(p. 64, a conversation between two past lovers i believe)
"It would be better to forget all about it--I hoped you had."
"I have the most ill-regulated memory. It does those things which it ought not to do and leaves undone the things it ought to have done. But it has not yet gone on strike altogether."


haha & on the back of the orange paper is a phone number i do not recognize...that i never even noticed was there (it was folded)

& thus ends my snatching from others' wisdom for today

but it's always interesting to find these quotes & fully recall & understand the state i was in at the time....the thoughtfulness & the sadness & the pain & the desire to let go & the recalibration of my life so i end up where i am happy...

yes all this from a few messily scribbled post its

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:39 PM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 1 May 2005 6:44 PM PDT
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Saturday, 30 April 2005
how realistic...
tatt picture

my friend just got a tatt w/ a revised version of the above picture & he said: it's an interesting story. the guy in flames is sort of a negative version of the hero on the bottom, and the hero has to sacrifice his memory of himself so that the villain does not exist.

it IS a good message...
i think people need to follow that more often...that was the only way i could've found the current me...

wow i sound cult/infomercial like

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:13 PM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 1 May 2005 6:47 PM PDT
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random things about relationships
so after a long day & somewhat calm night i went to get ready for bed at about 2-3am & near my door i heard screaming & yelling...it was a girl & guy something about the relationship...i couldn't really make out the majority of the words...but i heard a few key ones...

this went on for about an hour...

i heard him louder than her & then when she'd talk he would shush her as if she was too loud or he didn't want her to talk or something...

i wanted to bash his head in & i didn't even know who he was...

& i realized i had not really yelled or gotten that emotional in a long time..the last time i yelled was probably yelling back at my mom regarding we know what & even that was a while ago...

& when i had fights w/ boys...i never really yell...maybe i'm forgetting...which is possible...i remember other people yelling at me before but i don't think i ever really yelled at anyone...


i've been taking so many quizzes on tickle when i have the chance...i guess i had signed up for it in 2002 & forgot about it...sooo...yea...

all the relationship ones i get similar things...in terms of me being a gf or dating...it appears i have a grasp of how to be a really good gf or date or whatever....(haha i love how i got this from quizzes)

& at work it hit me randomly...

yea i had "perfected" myself as much as i could already...i had cut out most of my insecurities...
but all this didn't matter...
because in the past the problem was not me...it was the guy

& i guess maybe that WAS my problem...

maybe my taste was the problem...

my sense of trust was given too freely

according to another test i'm supposed to fall for my bosses or professors or mentors or a "troubled genius"...which i told erick & oy did the evilness begin haha....but it was funny


another random thing...

recently a friend told me about his not talking to his roommate/old high school friend because he started fooling around w/ a mutual friend's gf which made them break up & the girl & that guy are still together...

my friend said that he has no honor
(some people that read this now know who i'm talking about...aka greg haha)
my friend is all about honor...he's about camarderie...he's a marine...

i totally agree that that guy has no honor & he's an ass for doing what he did...

but at the same time...it hit on an old memory i had of this friend...& it made me want to tell him he was a hypocrite...camarderie was not just something between guys...



i had introduced ken & this friend to each other because my friend was very into wanting to join the marines & since ken was they hit it off...

my friend knew the details of my breakup...the deceit the assholeness...everything..we were closer back then...

i remember it had been a few months after my break up with ken...

it was the worst break up ever...i know i have never really gone into great detail but i think after reading a few entries of my blog you got it somewhat pieced together....

it was probably the worst because it was the first "real" relationship i had...it really broke my image of love & i had never felt betrayal like this before...& i was devastated...i withdrew from everyone...even chanda...i barely talked to her...she had no way of understand...hell she still doesn't but whatever...

anyways...

so this friend knew i was going through really hard times...

& ken decided to come up to hang out for his birthday....he was turning 21 that year...so he was going bar hopping & what not...ken im'd him to hang out....& my friend told me everything that was happening as it was happening...

which reminds me of that whole night...oy it was horrible...i was talking to ben as ken was there & ken pretended to be ben as he talked to me online...it was fucking messed up

anyways...so ben decided to go hang out w/ ken despite my reminding him of what ken did to me...

when i asked why she said something to the effect of him being a marine...

wtf does that have to do with anything...it has no reflection on how he is as a person...

HE has no honor

& where is the camaraderie between us

& then my friend couldn't find him so he called me for ken's number....such fucking bullshit

gawd i'm getting really upset all over again

like incredibly upset...wow....

ok that was really weird....(i just im'd that friend cuz i was so angry....i guess he somewhat clarified things...but wow that night really sucked anyways)

moving on...




enough about relationships...

so i realized i should really send over some graduation & mother's day cards to campus market cuz last year i sold almost 10 cards just on mother's day...i sold them for cheaper then too but it was nice...

so i couldn't find my mother's day stack...i ahve no idea where the crap they are....maybe at home but i felt so unorganized oy...anyways

so i decided to make new mother's day cards..just a repeat of last years cuz i didn't feel like being "exciting" & i patched up the grad cards i used for last year too...

i hadn't made a card since christmas & even then those were really rushed...though i really liked last years...i still think they were cute...

anyways...i remember how much i enjoy it...

although i love cooking...this is my first love...

i guess there is something substantial in holding something i made in my hand...& not eating it....haha...i guess cuz you can see the love...& this can be kept forever

& i guess the fact that i can sell them doesn't hurt either...not the money part really but that i can be part of something that makes someone else feel special...

i know that sounds corny...

but i genuinely mean it...

i don't know...after watching hitch i thought it wasn't such a bad idea...i mean...helping others out...i think i've always had a way of making people feel special...& imagine that as a business...anyways...i'm not in it for the money

so my point was...cards...right

so...(ok i just got distracted for like 2 hrs)

anyways....so cards

when i was in the mode of making cards i felt so good about myself...& i get into this really creative bubble....i think of ideas i would've never thought of otherwise...& phrases & the perfect way to word things...

i love the person i am when i'm making cards...

anyway...i'm done

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 2:31 AM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 1 May 2005 6:50 PM PDT
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Wednesday, 27 April 2005
reality check
so i talked to chanda today...we went out for "dinner" i hadn't seen or talked to her in what feels like forever...

we updated each other...

she told me something & for some reason i was not resistant to the thought...(i think the old me would've been annoyed) she said: if something hasn't happened by now...maybe it never will...

i knew she was probably right...& i don't know why i continue to stay so optimistic...

i'm probably just waiting for that tiny glitch & slip that might make that certain "something" just happen....*poof*

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:09 PM PDT
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dream-movie
i had a dream last night...it was so detailed...& it was so weird...i'm almost embarrassed to say i had it cuz it plays on some of my wishes...

i think the strangest part of it all was the best thing happened but then near the end i realized that i was only an actress acting out this perfect story....

it made me so sad....

i even dreamt acting out the credits part...

& it involved people i knew in real life...

& the funny thing is that this guy sang part oft eh credits song (it was sup'd to be funny) & he said this really random line about history (i remembered when i woke up but now i forget) & i think near the end i knew i was waking up from a dream but i was thinking..wow that song line was very clever...but since this is my dream technically I thought it up & therefore I am clever haha...

but yea no one will get to know this dream unless you're a select couple of people...(di, ask me haha)
muhahhaha:P seriously though it's not THAT exciting

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:51 PM PDT
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quote of the day-rawr, raves, & curves
*two girls walk in the door that we're walking to leave through* (one of the girls is kinda cute)
gareth: rarrrrrrrwr (tiger like)
me: i can't believe you just did that....



*gareth is slightly dancing outside our classroom before midterm*
jamie: you do realize you're going to a midterm & not a rave, right?
jon: cuts to scene of gareth standing in the middle of all these people dancing w/ strobe lights w/ his cheat sheet & a pencil



jon: instead of curving the tests to like 50% why can't the professors curve their teaching so that we actually understand what they teach
jamie: cuz this school is not about making us feel good it's about making us ACTUALLY learn

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:37 PM PDT
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Tuesday, 26 April 2005
quote for the day-poisson
jon: fuck poisson. I think Poisson should be a swear word. You Poissonety Poisson!

me: ok i'll head over then...
erick: i could pick you up, it seems like that's what the dots represented
me: haha no it's fine
erick: ok then. if you really want to walk
me: ok fine pick me up
erick: ha 5 min

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:26 PM PDT
Updated: Wednesday, 27 April 2005 1:38 PM PDT
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being a saint
i don't really understand why i always seem to find myself in the position of needing to be a "saint" i have to forgive & forget...i have to deal with people's crap & pissy moods & i'm suppose to do all this with a smile & in a gracious manner as if this is ok...

i mean nothing major has happened to make me write this...but i realize again once in a while that i do that so much...

people talk to me as if they can take their anger out on me & this is ok...

& you know what? yes i do put up with it..cuz i'm nice enough to...but that doesn't make it ok....& if i were anyone else i'd be yelling at you by now...

multiple people in recent days has triggered this...so yea...

another random thing...

when i ask people if they are ok or if things are going alright...i don't just say that crap superficially i usually say it because it seems as if it needs to be asked...you're either being rather rude/bitchy/a butt or you just seem really down...don't sit there & look at me as if i'm stupid when i ask...& respond w/ a defensive "NO why??" gawd i'm just looking out for you ok?....rawr rawr...this only proves to me more that someting is wrong....& now you're just not sharing

i realized that i never seem to impose this burden as much on others....what i mean is...ok yes i get pissy (oh shuddup if you're a guy & thinking oh once a month cuz for your info i don't get pissy those times of the month anyways) so yes i get pissy but i either internalize or i rant or i just plain tell you i'm in a bad mood...i don't really go around bringing people's day down...i found a lot of my friends do that...they go around ruining other people's days & i can't stand that..the world does NOT revolove around you...so what if you're pissy...just contain it & move on with your life...it's not a big deal....yea sometimes i am a bit more direct when i'm biotchy as in i will flat out say i'm really stressed & busy i will talk to you later...i don't put on some...guilt trip as if by talking to them they are also ruining my life or something (extreme eg, "hey" "what do you want?") oh & trust me say something nice in a "what do you want" tone is exactly the same freaking thing

anyways...i just needed to let that out cuz i don't think people realize how underappreciated i am hmph! hahah.....

oh yea i'm not equating myself to a saint:P

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:23 AM PDT
Updated: Wednesday, 27 April 2005 1:55 PM PDT
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Monday, 25 April 2005
IEOR & South Park
so i talk & talk about them yet you probably have no idea what they look like...
jon sent me this south park generator then then we just spent the last 3 hrs doing this...enjoy:)

IEOR & South Park


Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:32 PM PDT
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