Site hosted by Angelfire.com: Build your free website today!
 
C is for...candor
« April 2005 »
S M T W T F S
1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30
Entries by Topic
All topics  «
Blog Tools
Edit your Blog
Build a Blog
View Profile
You are not logged in. Log in
Wednesday, 13 April 2005
closer
i just watched closer...& it's just proof of my entry about lying in relationships...

i don't even really know what to say...i know it was a good movie but in a weird way i was kinda just eh-ed by it...

maybe because i know how true it is...who knows

lying does no one good

everyone besides larry the doctor was a horrible person in that movie...

it's just so freaking hypocritical how people can be...

in the scene of alice & dan's break up she asked him "what if i fell in love with someone else?" he answered "i'd be jealous"

& that re-rung a bell...
i asked the same exact question
& i received the same exact answer

although the movie was extreme as all movies are...for me it had a strange "little black book" quality to it as i watched it...it made me relive some moments...so i know the movie was realistic because i was relating but at the same time i hated reliving those moments of my life...

i really need to stop writing about this crap cuz i never think about it during the day & i come home to this blog & i keep reminding myself...it's pretty retarded

& so i end the self pity....for now

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:18 PM PDT
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
quotes
everyday i hear the funniest stuff & i always remember later on & laugh to myself...or i hear, laugh, & forget...so i decided i'm gonna resolve the latter by writing down about a quote a day to remind me of all the little things that make up my life...

today in PE
other guy: are you gonna use this? *points to bench*
charles: yea i was gonna strip
other guy: do you need help?
charles: nah they're *points to me & the other girl* they're gonna strip for me

(in case you don't know we were referring to stripping the bar)

at the moment all i remember something i always sort of remember & laugh about is in the first IIE (Institute for Industrial Engineers) general meeting this year we were voting on which companies we wanted to visit...& google got more votes than yahoo
doug: why is yahoo more popular than google?
jamie: they've only been asking themselves the same thing for the past 2 years

stay tuned for more!

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:19 PM PDT
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
breaking the cycle
ok so i just looked at my blog & i realized that every single one has had something about boys/relationships/love for the past month or so...

so i will now break the cycle w/ this entry

my back hurts

i was thinking of going back to funky door in the summer or next semester...i kinda liked it...i made me feel really accomplished afterwards even though each class ended up being like 3 hrs w/ shower & walk...haven't decided...besides i have coupons

since chris will found out what his package is soon anyways & i know he won't read this before he gets it...(i guess this could go on cooking blog too but whatever)
for his bday i ordered him a (newly released) le creuset reversible square grill/griddle (the rectangle one is 10 lbs & i was worried that'd be a problem for the plane ride home) & an oil mister & tongs...i want them all...:P
& on saturday morning i ran around like a mad women because i had no car & i wanted to finish up his berkeley in a box present...
last week i went to farmer's market & i bought him frog hollow peach chutney (i wanted peach related cuz frog hollow peaches are like canned but in real form sooo good) & a blond balsamic (white) from a company from napa..i tried like 5 before i choose that one...it was yummy....so saturday i had to walk to cheeseboard...which i mean was worth it but it was kinda time-consuming...i stopped at phoeniox pasifico for a strawberry meyer lemon scone...andronico's to get some scharffen berger chocolate covered coffee beans (the bar seemed too regular) & then at cheeseboard i bought him a chocolate loaf (cuz we always meant to try it), cheese bun (of course, their signature one), & chocolate thing, & one more thing? i think provolone bun...chanda had gone to acme the day before so she got me the italian batard? i think it's called & the herb slab...& that was all stuffed into a box & sent off after standing in line for over an hr at the post office:P
hmm chris is coming back in may for his mom's wedding..yay! hanging out & pigging out! mmm

it's kinda weird because i have not "pigged out" in a really really long time...& i kinda don't miss it...& this is coming from a food fanatic...i think the food poisoning contributed to this...

i guess i haven't eaten at anywhere expensive either

i've actually been trying more places & expanding my scope since this job since it off where i normally never go...

& i've really taken to going to the farmer's market even if i get nothing...it's expensive but eh...

i know most of these things should go on my cooking blog but i'm too lazy to switch now that i've written it here hahha

hmm...so a classmate asked me friday if i had a company...(i think it's cuz she worked at zeezee so i'm sure farooq told her) & if i have the chance this summer i really want to do it..since my dad is back i'll ask for his help w/ all the legal stuff...i want a registered name & really be a company...that'd be sweet....i'd be very proud of myself

in regards to motorcycle stuff...i think i will hold off...my parents would never allow it & it just feeds into my theory of how i will die in a freak accident...i can definitely seeing myself pulling something ditzy (i do all the time) & it will be the death of me...literally...it's unreasonable for the moment too...

for ieor yearbook i wrote up a set of questions & as i was interviewing marco he kept asking me well how would you answer & i suddenly felt bad cuz i don't know...

one was:
if you could have 3 wishes, what would they be & why?

i still kinda remember answering that when i was little...
1. some sort of money
2. some sort of peaceful gesture
3. a puppy

gawd were things simple then or what

i think all the things i'd ask for now are not material...& i guess that means i've matured? at least that's what i'll tell myself...

ok i really tired now....no more forced writing



Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:55 AM PDT
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
Tuesday, 12 April 2005
freaking out
this is be a random hodgepodge of things that have been running through my head or experiencing hmm aka like all my other blog entries...

i was sitting in 161 the other day thinking to myself...as i saw someone do something kinda embarrassing...i always seem to catch those funnyt hings people don't think i see...then a second later i realized how stupid that sounded...if i didn't catch them i wouldn't even have known they happened meaning of course i "always seem to see them" in my eyes

every little thing if not scheduled in my busy life at the moment is freaking me out...

work has gone into a dip type situation...i think the president has been super stressed...so he's not mean but he's also not nice to me so much anymore...i'm kind of just expected to do things now...the extra i do it not extra anymore...& it's feeling more & more like an obligation...& i hate that feeling...

it might be from the stress too though...
i have too much on my plate...
i'm slowly going crazy..
i feel myself getting stupider...i even wondered for a moment how the hell i got into berkeley today
it's really bothering me but i guess at least i'm living in the now...& things are different than they used to me...

which brings me to my next topic

chanda told me what she deemed "a sad story" yesterday...it was regarding a friend's friend...

the basic jist of the story was that...

her bf went to pick up his ex from the airport
the girl asked what if she wants to go to dinner then what?
bf says he'll say he ate already
he took a long time so she called him & he said yea we're at a burger place
she gets mad & just hangs up on him
he comes home & tells her that he didn't order anything...the ex's coworker came yada yada yada
i forget why but she sees a paper on her chair & so she looks & sees a receipt to a really really nice restaurant in berkeley
she wakes him up to ask him what it is
he tells her oh yea we ended up going there w/ the coworker blah blah blah only she ate...she had an appetizer, entree, & dessert
so she decides to call this restaurant & ask what "she ordered" & finds out he DID order & they didn't even have the things he said they had
she gives him another chance to tell the truth & he kept lying
she hasn't decided what to do...sup'dly she wants to stick around for revenge cuz i guess he probably pulls that kinda shit all the time...

as chanda told me this story...
i started remembering
i had kind of forgotten...
the pain things like that bring
all i said to chanda during was "that's how dom was" cuz it was so deja vu....
& at the end i told her "what's the point...revenge...in the end it's just better to get out of that situation...it's not worth it...it's not worth that pain"

i know...in anger that's what everyone seems to want...revenge...

but when you step away...at least when i step away...you just want to step out the better person...& the best thing to do is to just stop w/ the acting & move on...there's no point...

if the point of such revenge is for them to understand how much they hurt you...don't you think they would've just not lied to prevent that?

i'm not saying they don't care about you...but there is something about two people involved that just don't match up...

once the trust is gone...it's gone

i learned that the hard way...there's no use in sticking around

chanda kept saying "i can't imagine that i can't imagine that...if aaron did that to me...blah blah blah"

& that's the funny thing...i always told her she had it good...& she never understood what i had been through & here's the proof when you separate the people from the situation...she never will understand that kind of pain...

hell no one will until you feel it

i guess it just amazes me what great lengths people take to lie....when in the end the truth never escapes my grasp...

& the sad thing is...i always seem to end up w/ those jerks...& that whole attraction to bad boys thing doesn't work cuz most of the time they like me first & then i like them after they pursue me...

i guess one good thing about being so busy is i have no time to think about this kinda stuff

i always surprise myself w/ how much i can suppress in my memory...

what worries me though is if i think about it & i remember...i can get very very angry at times (depending on what i remember)...& it proves to me that things aren't solved are they..they're just shoved in the back...i guess that's only the case w/ dom..ken is over & done w/...

sometimes i can't believe how i even kept up w/ such shit...

& it was always the same damn shit

he's lie or omit the truth (newsflash: same thing as lying people...)
(eg, what'd you do this weekend? said: oh nothing worked a bit was really busy; truth: hung out w/ ex girlfriend who slept over we went shopping blah blah blah)(eg, while visiting me...aww why are you here? i was in the area...*he gets a phone call from the ex* he says to her no no i haven't gotten home yet i just stopped on the side of the road to take a nap...)

i'd find out the truth
my heart would stop
i would want to cry
i'd confront him
he'd tell me he was protecting me or didn't think it was important cuz "nothing happened"
repeat

& as time went on the finding out the truth didn't even matter anymore because the suspicions were always there...hell most of the time i was suspicious i was right

wow this is not the thing to be "talking" about right now cuz i'm remembering so i'm getting pissed off kinda...

see...the thing is i don't feel the pain from what heppened anymore...i just feel the bitterness & the anger...

i think somewhat at myself for having put up w/ that kind of shit...it was so unnecessary to my life

hell i still hate "her" & truth is...i know it's partially her fault because she knew i existed but i probably put more blame on her than she deserves...but who the fuck tries to woo's someone else's bf...anyways...

also like i had told di...hearing her name or seeing her name spelled out makes me cringe or burn inside cuz one, it's an ugly name HAHAHAH (i'm not saying it) & two, it's proves that she really does exist & that she is a real human being...i guess in a weird way i just want to think of her as an entity not worthy of a name or identity...hmm & based on what i have heard/seen she isn't worthy...

there must be a reason for his parents loving me & hating her...

eh whatever...i'm delving deeper into this than i care to...

sorry people that read this



on a somewhat lighter note..
my apple had a sticker that said there's a new snow white musical at disneyland & only until i said it in words did i realize how creepy that is...
i will fall asleep forever after i eat that apple...
must not trust them fuji's anymore

unless my prince...

oh shuddup connie

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:59 PM PDT
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
Wednesday, 6 April 2005
a lot like love
so it had the usual romantic comedy effect on me...

a mixture of happy & sad

cept it was more happy than sad...

i know i have come to terms with being happy

but i guess no one can fully erase that tidbit of self pity

i guess the one thing about the movie was that love is not clear sometimes...maybe there is always a bit of denial....

it's strange because i never had the denial factor until i was hurt...

but i guess at least i know i do sometimes...

sometimes i hate that i lost that trust in others...but i guess if i hadn't learned then i would've learned somewhere else eventually...

jon had said "if it wasn't ken it would've been the next guy" & i knew he was right...

sooo...that is all

cept i'm somewhat flustered with my life at the moment i am always feeling overwhelmed & my time alone is scarce & valuable...i get thrown off easily too...

one small thing will throw me over the edge (in my mind not towards others)...eg, planning my schedule or whatever...anyways

i have a long hw assignment waiting for me..beh

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:09 PM PDT
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
Tuesday, 5 April 2005
blast from the past
so my mentor figure has come back into my life

we had lost touch as we each grew busier...

we've been emailing more & i am reminded of how important he has been in my life...

without him i would NOT be where i am today

i'm really lucky to have him in my life

he knows how thankful i am...

but he really did see me through my worst time...when no one even knew i was suffering

but anyways...(not to steal the spotlight from him)

in his latest email he attached an email i had written him to 2001 needless to say it was very very weird to read...

1, i abbreviated & used weird spelling like no other...i used to type so fast with that...now i can't do it even if i tried...(z's in place of s's, sed vs. said, u's for you's, etc)

2, i went into so much detail...he was right...he WAS my blog back then haha....i feel bad now..i'm sorry you had to put up with that...

3, i was kinda interesting (at least in the first paragraph) i thought about stuff i thought i didn't back then...(the paragraph was about us learning in class about a life pyramid (what was necessary for life) & how i felt my life was missing a crucial part) it's weird i don't even remember learning that in high school...because i saw something similar again in ieor171 & i thought it was interesting haha...

4, although i'm a bit more mature i sound the same...i knew i sounded a bit younger but i could see myself saying the same things now & getting away with it...it was kind of weird feeling...i know i've thought a lot of new things since then & experienced more but it's weird to think that i had the same brain with the same capacity then...

5, i always knew i chose to forget...& sometimes i just forgot about things i might've said or things that have happened...but this is the first time it's kind of bothered me...i mean in the past the things i've re-remembered have been bad things so it was good that i forgave & forgot but these are just random tidbits of knowledge & what not & i'm really surprised i don't remember...well i guess i can't remember the detail of every day...so i shouldn't beat myself up over it...but yea...


like always thank you for provoking my thoughts

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 7:36 PM PDT
Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink | Share This Post
Monday, 4 April 2005
being dramatic
Now Playing: The Way I Feel Inside-The Zombies
whatever i can be a drama queen if i want to...

although this is true but not this extreme(at least i hope not)...i kinda just really like this song...it's sweet:


should i try to hide
the way i feel inside
my heart
for you
would you say that you
would try to love me too
in your mind
could you ever be
really close to me
i can tell the way you smile
if i feel that i
could be certain then
i would say the things i want to say tonight
but till can see
that you really care for me
i will dream
that some day you'll be
really close to me
i can tell the way you smile
if i feel that i could be certain then
i would say the things i want to say tonight
but till i can see
that you'd really care for me
i'll keep trying to hide the way i feel inside

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:55 PM PDT
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
Sunday, 3 April 2005
studio
& the pestering mother never ceases...

i wonder if by living alone i've fostered a lot of weird habits...

eg, i drank a whole nalgene in like 10 minutes & for the next 30 minutes i was running to the bathroom consistently & i thought to myself if i had a roommate they'd probably think i was really really weird...

gawd the luxury of living alone...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:11 PM PST
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
Saturday, 2 April 2005
Mood
this is random:
"we laugh & we smile & we play our games in sweet denial" ~the calling
it's actually a song about the suffering of people on the streets & what not but i don't feel like going into that heavy subject...i just like the song

if you haven't looked already here are my spring break pictures:


this entry i decided to talk about mood...

so this certain person seems to be able to change my mood with a touch of a button...if she/he is in a bad mood it's almost always passed onto me...

this was always the case for this person but i guess it has just been more obvious to me this week because i really didn't care what people thought this week & i was very carefree but the moment that person is slightly upset i get down too...i know i bring this upon myself but i kept getting mad that this was the case...i told chanda...she said that i shouldn't get mad because it just means i really care...i know...i know that's the case....but in a weird way maybe that's the reason why it makes me mad...i care about this person more than i want to & more than i want to admit...& it just sucks because that person probably doesn't really care as much...

& it's not even about the caring...cuz like i care about all my friends but i'm not always brought down by their bad mood...i just think they're a bitch for the day & try my best to not provoke them & go on with my life. eg, chanda today...oy...even from the phone i could tell she was ready to snap (though she described it as nothing excites her feelings) anyways...

mood is such a strange phenomenon....i know for me, i usually wake up knowing what kind of day it will be....(wake up on the wrong side of the bed type of thing) little things throughout the day used to affect my mood a lot...but now not so much...

i will now go on a tangent...
i know this will sound strange but ever since i've become this "i truly don't care what people think" type of person i think i've gotten stupider...i know i am still perceptive but i think i pick up less because i choose to...& i don't think as much before i speak...i used to think myself to death before i said a word & probably ended up saying nothing at all because i was scared of saying something wrong...now i just spit out words & i've kind of become one of those people i hated (it's not that extreme but kinda) after the things i say now i just think to myself woah did you just say that to hear yourself talk cuz that was very stupid & i spend maybe a couple of seconds regretting & then i get over it because that's what i've trained the new me to do...

this new me has perks but it needs a very different instruction manual than the old me...subtle to others but very noticable to me...

it's almost like i traded my caring about other's opinions for one of ignorance...

& i had always said ignorance is bliss...but is it in my case? choosing to be ignorant...isn't that just doubly ignorant?

i miss a lot of the aspects of the old me...i'm not even sure how to get the old me back...because i really feel like i'm stupider...

but at the same time...i'm so much happier as the new me that i feel like i shouldn't question it...

i haven't gotten myself into any sort of trouble with my louder mouth so it's not THAT bad?

last week i made the effort to not wear sweats...(even on PE days) & i have to say i felt different...i was a lot more confident....& like i noted in previous entries i got compliments left & right....it made me feel weird....(gareth: *looks at me* (day of pg&e interview) you look really pretty connie, me: thanks *awkward*, gareth: umm you do too erick, erick: *looks at me* umm thanks? me & erick: you look really nice today too gareth...it was really funny) it reminded me of that summer of dating...i never believed any of the compliments they gave me...gawd i had the worse self esteem

& back to my original topic...
my mother used to have a huge impact on my mood...it was so bad that if she said something bad to me i would just cry the night away...i was not able to accomplish a single thing...i was so hurt & angry...

the other day...she once again commented on my most hated topics...money & weight...money led to the other...eg, you spent like $100 on food what are you doing! you're eating so much. you're so fat already. blah blah blah

before this would have left my life spiralling downward for the night...

it was through the phone so i removed the phone from my ear far enough to know she was talking but not close enough to hear what she was saying...she went on for 10 minutes without any response from me...until she said "helloooo? hello! hello??" did i say "yea what" & she said "ok fine we'll talk later" & we hung up...

my heart burned with an anger...not even sadness...

i called chanda but she didn't pick up

by the time chanda called back i wasn't even mad anymore...i really didn't care...it was the same old shit...

yea so you think i'm fat...big whoop-dee-doo what else is new

she calls today to tell me (after dropping off my stuff at chanda's house) how chanda is hella skinny now...aka implying why aren't you....i said "yea that's nice"

what does she want me to do? get anerexia?
cuz THAT would truly solve all my problems

(i know di you're probably angry after reading this so sorry but the point was to say that it doesn't affect me anymore)

i guess what gets me is this...
i've told her many times to stop this nonsense but she claims she tells me because she's my mother & she cares about me...& therein lies the irony...if she really cared about me she would stop...& what does she think I'M doing...no i'm just telling her to stop for no reason. doesn't she realize it's my mental health in jeopardy?...granted i'm strong enough to have finally come through....but i can't imagine how others cope...i guess they're like the old me...they don't...

& here's another topic...

it's weird how more & more as i grow older i hear the words "when i'm a parent, i will..." & i love conversations like that because it really gives you an understanding of that person & their morals/values/thoughts/etc...but it's amusing how we're all so innately ready & excited to be parents...

i know that has been one of my dreams since i don't even know when...

which is kind of ironic as well because it is a very selfish act & i'm usually not

i was on the bart one time when i was thinking about what if someone asked me "why do you want to be a parent?"

all the answers i could think of were sooo incredibly selfish & wrong sounding:

i want to raise someone with my values

i want someone to love me unconditionally (haha he/she's not a dog!)

i want to see the beauty of life grow up

the only nicer one i could think of was...i want a child to grow up in a very loving environment where they can develop into a very successful person

but as chanda pointed out that only works if you're willing to adopt as well

but i am...granted i'd be upset if i couldn't have children but so many kids can be adopted...i really don't care if he/she has my dna i just want to raise a child...or two

i know in marriage you try to find the right match

but i wonder how many people get married simply because they know that guy will make a great dad...cuz in the end isn't that what it is? shopping for a dad for your child (brutal i know haha) why else do we find it so adorable when guys are good with kids?

when i was on the bart it was this crying girl that sparked these thoughts in my mind

she was a toddler & she was wailing & screaming...she was adorable..very coarse light brown curly hair that was tied into a tiny ponytail...her mom just holding her so stop her crying (but i think it was from the movement of the bart that bothered her that or she was just toying with us cuz she'd stop crying at every stop) at each stop someone would talk to her or she'd do something...the 1st one a lady said "it's ok honey don't cry" & she stopped & at another stop a bunch of people were lined up at the door to leave & 1 really cute guy said "bye bye (he waved) i won't see you after this. bye bye" & another cute guy behind him was smiling at her & waving & she looked at them & waved & said "bye bye bye bye" then at another stop she stopped crying pulled away from her mom to look at her & kissed her mom on the face & then she did it again & said "i love you"

it was the cutest thing ever

i remember when ken & i were together...he always talked about "hating kids" & how he just wanted to be the fun-loving uncle ken & not a dad...

i hated it when he said that but then after dating for a while i knew he was just putting up a front...

because one time he was listening to angry rock w/ swear words & we were driving to his house & he suddenly turned it off & he explained that it was about the time that school let out & kids were walking home & he didn't want to expose them to that...i smiled

another time..i told him i wanted to go to the harry potter 2 movie premeire because i did it for the first one so we waited in line w/ a bunch of little kids & when we sat down i sat next to a really really tiny asian girl her feet barely reached the edge of the seat when she sat in the theater seat & she sat with her dad...she was soo excited i kept telling ken how cute she was & he was like ugh whatever...& she kept saying really cute things i forget what...& like when the title came up she asked "what does it say, daddy?" & he said "it says harry potter" & she was so happy & at the end of the movie ken finally confessed...ok she really is very cute...

ok this is so awkward
i just got a call from this guy i hung out with one time...he always calls me & then i found out he thought that time we hung out was a date...& now he just called he said "with the purpose of telling me how he felt" & i thought i had accidentally stumbled on this very awkward topic mid conversation..i kept trying to convert the convo into one about my food poisoning but he ignored me & continued talking...reason 1 of many why i can't date him don't ignored the girl you're trying to profess your love to! oy...haha...but anyways...he was not flat out..oh wait yea he was he said "i like you connie" haha i forgot...basically i was laughing very nervously through the whole thing...

i know this is very masochistic but it's partially because i suck at confrontation....but i couldn't bring myself to just say...sorry no

this will make me sound like a horrible person but i know i had often said that i was always hurt by guys...but i think i kind of forget that i might've hurt people along the way as well...i don't think anything serious though...at least i don't think so...but then again some of those guys loved very easily...they would tell me how much they liked me very early on...i don't know...

you know...this is kind of sad...but all my relationships the guy liked me first & then i liked them or i grew to...some of the guys i dated we liked each other simultaneously but obviously nothing came of those...

once in a while i hear the bf of the person that lives across the hall visiting her...& i don't think she even likes him as much as he likes her which is weird from the outside (because he's very very cute & she's regular not that it matters) (i can hear them talking if they're standing in the hallway) one time he brought her quarters for laundry & she's like oh you didn't have to come here now i just meant eventually & he said he had walked really fast from le conte (a 10-15 minute walk) to bring her the money...tonight he knocked a roger rabbit like knock & she said oh hi & he said i brought pleasantville for us to watch...it's very cute..cuz he just comes over to surprise her sometimes...i've passed the feelings of jealousy & i just think it's super cute...

wow maybe chris(from my team last semester) & erick were right...i DO use cute too much....whatever...it's cute:P

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:57 PM PST
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post
Thursday, 31 March 2005
interview
wish me luck!

it's kind of strange that i'm so nervous & it's really not a big deal...i just have to talk...i can do that....kinda

but i also feel really special now because i looked at the career site & i didn't realize but there were only 5 preselect slots...& i kinda feel special being one of them

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:32 AM PST
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post

Newer | Latest | Older