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C is for...candor
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Tuesday, 12 April 2005
freaking out
this is be a random hodgepodge of things that have been running through my head or experiencing hmm aka like all my other blog entries...

i was sitting in 161 the other day thinking to myself...as i saw someone do something kinda embarrassing...i always seem to catch those funnyt hings people don't think i see...then a second later i realized how stupid that sounded...if i didn't catch them i wouldn't even have known they happened meaning of course i "always seem to see them" in my eyes

every little thing if not scheduled in my busy life at the moment is freaking me out...

work has gone into a dip type situation...i think the president has been super stressed...so he's not mean but he's also not nice to me so much anymore...i'm kind of just expected to do things now...the extra i do it not extra anymore...& it's feeling more & more like an obligation...& i hate that feeling...

it might be from the stress too though...
i have too much on my plate...
i'm slowly going crazy..
i feel myself getting stupider...i even wondered for a moment how the hell i got into berkeley today
it's really bothering me but i guess at least i'm living in the now...& things are different than they used to me...

which brings me to my next topic

chanda told me what she deemed "a sad story" yesterday...it was regarding a friend's friend...

the basic jist of the story was that...

her bf went to pick up his ex from the airport
the girl asked what if she wants to go to dinner then what?
bf says he'll say he ate already
he took a long time so she called him & he said yea we're at a burger place
she gets mad & just hangs up on him
he comes home & tells her that he didn't order anything...the ex's coworker came yada yada yada
i forget why but she sees a paper on her chair & so she looks & sees a receipt to a really really nice restaurant in berkeley
she wakes him up to ask him what it is
he tells her oh yea we ended up going there w/ the coworker blah blah blah only she ate...she had an appetizer, entree, & dessert
so she decides to call this restaurant & ask what "she ordered" & finds out he DID order & they didn't even have the things he said they had
she gives him another chance to tell the truth & he kept lying
she hasn't decided what to do...sup'dly she wants to stick around for revenge cuz i guess he probably pulls that kinda shit all the time...

as chanda told me this story...
i started remembering
i had kind of forgotten...
the pain things like that bring
all i said to chanda during was "that's how dom was" cuz it was so deja vu....
& at the end i told her "what's the point...revenge...in the end it's just better to get out of that situation...it's not worth it...it's not worth that pain"

i know...in anger that's what everyone seems to want...revenge...

but when you step away...at least when i step away...you just want to step out the better person...& the best thing to do is to just stop w/ the acting & move on...there's no point...

if the point of such revenge is for them to understand how much they hurt you...don't you think they would've just not lied to prevent that?

i'm not saying they don't care about you...but there is something about two people involved that just don't match up...

once the trust is gone...it's gone

i learned that the hard way...there's no use in sticking around

chanda kept saying "i can't imagine that i can't imagine that...if aaron did that to me...blah blah blah"

& that's the funny thing...i always told her she had it good...& she never understood what i had been through & here's the proof when you separate the people from the situation...she never will understand that kind of pain...

hell no one will until you feel it

i guess it just amazes me what great lengths people take to lie....when in the end the truth never escapes my grasp...

& the sad thing is...i always seem to end up w/ those jerks...& that whole attraction to bad boys thing doesn't work cuz most of the time they like me first & then i like them after they pursue me...

i guess one good thing about being so busy is i have no time to think about this kinda stuff

i always surprise myself w/ how much i can suppress in my memory...

what worries me though is if i think about it & i remember...i can get very very angry at times (depending on what i remember)...& it proves to me that things aren't solved are they..they're just shoved in the back...i guess that's only the case w/ dom..ken is over & done w/...

sometimes i can't believe how i even kept up w/ such shit...

& it was always the same damn shit

he's lie or omit the truth (newsflash: same thing as lying people...)
(eg, what'd you do this weekend? said: oh nothing worked a bit was really busy; truth: hung out w/ ex girlfriend who slept over we went shopping blah blah blah)(eg, while visiting me...aww why are you here? i was in the area...*he gets a phone call from the ex* he says to her no no i haven't gotten home yet i just stopped on the side of the road to take a nap...)

i'd find out the truth
my heart would stop
i would want to cry
i'd confront him
he'd tell me he was protecting me or didn't think it was important cuz "nothing happened"
repeat

& as time went on the finding out the truth didn't even matter anymore because the suspicions were always there...hell most of the time i was suspicious i was right

wow this is not the thing to be "talking" about right now cuz i'm remembering so i'm getting pissed off kinda...

see...the thing is i don't feel the pain from what heppened anymore...i just feel the bitterness & the anger...

i think somewhat at myself for having put up w/ that kind of shit...it was so unnecessary to my life

hell i still hate "her" & truth is...i know it's partially her fault because she knew i existed but i probably put more blame on her than she deserves...but who the fuck tries to woo's someone else's bf...anyways...

also like i had told di...hearing her name or seeing her name spelled out makes me cringe or burn inside cuz one, it's an ugly name HAHAHAH (i'm not saying it) & two, it's proves that she really does exist & that she is a real human being...i guess in a weird way i just want to think of her as an entity not worthy of a name or identity...hmm & based on what i have heard/seen she isn't worthy...

there must be a reason for his parents loving me & hating her...

eh whatever...i'm delving deeper into this than i care to...

sorry people that read this



on a somewhat lighter note..
my apple had a sticker that said there's a new snow white musical at disneyland & only until i said it in words did i realize how creepy that is...
i will fall asleep forever after i eat that apple...
must not trust them fuji's anymore

unless my prince...

oh shuddup connie

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:59 PM PDT
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Wednesday, 6 April 2005
a lot like love
so it had the usual romantic comedy effect on me...

a mixture of happy & sad

cept it was more happy than sad...

i know i have come to terms with being happy

but i guess no one can fully erase that tidbit of self pity

i guess the one thing about the movie was that love is not clear sometimes...maybe there is always a bit of denial....

it's strange because i never had the denial factor until i was hurt...

but i guess at least i know i do sometimes...

sometimes i hate that i lost that trust in others...but i guess if i hadn't learned then i would've learned somewhere else eventually...

jon had said "if it wasn't ken it would've been the next guy" & i knew he was right...

sooo...that is all

cept i'm somewhat flustered with my life at the moment i am always feeling overwhelmed & my time alone is scarce & valuable...i get thrown off easily too...

one small thing will throw me over the edge (in my mind not towards others)...eg, planning my schedule or whatever...anyways

i have a long hw assignment waiting for me..beh

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:09 PM PDT
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Tuesday, 5 April 2005
blast from the past
so my mentor figure has come back into my life

we had lost touch as we each grew busier...

we've been emailing more & i am reminded of how important he has been in my life...

without him i would NOT be where i am today

i'm really lucky to have him in my life

he knows how thankful i am...

but he really did see me through my worst time...when no one even knew i was suffering

but anyways...(not to steal the spotlight from him)

in his latest email he attached an email i had written him to 2001 needless to say it was very very weird to read...

1, i abbreviated & used weird spelling like no other...i used to type so fast with that...now i can't do it even if i tried...(z's in place of s's, sed vs. said, u's for you's, etc)

2, i went into so much detail...he was right...he WAS my blog back then haha....i feel bad now..i'm sorry you had to put up with that...

3, i was kinda interesting (at least in the first paragraph) i thought about stuff i thought i didn't back then...(the paragraph was about us learning in class about a life pyramid (what was necessary for life) & how i felt my life was missing a crucial part) it's weird i don't even remember learning that in high school...because i saw something similar again in ieor171 & i thought it was interesting haha...

4, although i'm a bit more mature i sound the same...i knew i sounded a bit younger but i could see myself saying the same things now & getting away with it...it was kind of weird feeling...i know i've thought a lot of new things since then & experienced more but it's weird to think that i had the same brain with the same capacity then...

5, i always knew i chose to forget...& sometimes i just forgot about things i might've said or things that have happened...but this is the first time it's kind of bothered me...i mean in the past the things i've re-remembered have been bad things so it was good that i forgave & forgot but these are just random tidbits of knowledge & what not & i'm really surprised i don't remember...well i guess i can't remember the detail of every day...so i shouldn't beat myself up over it...but yea...


like always thank you for provoking my thoughts

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 7:36 PM PDT
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Monday, 4 April 2005
being dramatic
Now Playing: The Way I Feel Inside-The Zombies
whatever i can be a drama queen if i want to...

although this is true but not this extreme(at least i hope not)...i kinda just really like this song...it's sweet:


should i try to hide
the way i feel inside
my heart
for you
would you say that you
would try to love me too
in your mind
could you ever be
really close to me
i can tell the way you smile
if i feel that i
could be certain then
i would say the things i want to say tonight
but till can see
that you really care for me
i will dream
that some day you'll be
really close to me
i can tell the way you smile
if i feel that i could be certain then
i would say the things i want to say tonight
but till i can see
that you'd really care for me
i'll keep trying to hide the way i feel inside

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:55 PM PDT
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Sunday, 3 April 2005
studio
& the pestering mother never ceases...

i wonder if by living alone i've fostered a lot of weird habits...

eg, i drank a whole nalgene in like 10 minutes & for the next 30 minutes i was running to the bathroom consistently & i thought to myself if i had a roommate they'd probably think i was really really weird...

gawd the luxury of living alone...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:11 PM PST
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Saturday, 2 April 2005
Mood
this is random:
"we laugh & we smile & we play our games in sweet denial" ~the calling
it's actually a song about the suffering of people on the streets & what not but i don't feel like going into that heavy subject...i just like the song

if you haven't looked already here are my spring break pictures:


this entry i decided to talk about mood...

so this certain person seems to be able to change my mood with a touch of a button...if she/he is in a bad mood it's almost always passed onto me...

this was always the case for this person but i guess it has just been more obvious to me this week because i really didn't care what people thought this week & i was very carefree but the moment that person is slightly upset i get down too...i know i bring this upon myself but i kept getting mad that this was the case...i told chanda...she said that i shouldn't get mad because it just means i really care...i know...i know that's the case....but in a weird way maybe that's the reason why it makes me mad...i care about this person more than i want to & more than i want to admit...& it just sucks because that person probably doesn't really care as much...

& it's not even about the caring...cuz like i care about all my friends but i'm not always brought down by their bad mood...i just think they're a bitch for the day & try my best to not provoke them & go on with my life. eg, chanda today...oy...even from the phone i could tell she was ready to snap (though she described it as nothing excites her feelings) anyways...

mood is such a strange phenomenon....i know for me, i usually wake up knowing what kind of day it will be....(wake up on the wrong side of the bed type of thing) little things throughout the day used to affect my mood a lot...but now not so much...

i will now go on a tangent...
i know this will sound strange but ever since i've become this "i truly don't care what people think" type of person i think i've gotten stupider...i know i am still perceptive but i think i pick up less because i choose to...& i don't think as much before i speak...i used to think myself to death before i said a word & probably ended up saying nothing at all because i was scared of saying something wrong...now i just spit out words & i've kind of become one of those people i hated (it's not that extreme but kinda) after the things i say now i just think to myself woah did you just say that to hear yourself talk cuz that was very stupid & i spend maybe a couple of seconds regretting & then i get over it because that's what i've trained the new me to do...

this new me has perks but it needs a very different instruction manual than the old me...subtle to others but very noticable to me...

it's almost like i traded my caring about other's opinions for one of ignorance...

& i had always said ignorance is bliss...but is it in my case? choosing to be ignorant...isn't that just doubly ignorant?

i miss a lot of the aspects of the old me...i'm not even sure how to get the old me back...because i really feel like i'm stupider...

but at the same time...i'm so much happier as the new me that i feel like i shouldn't question it...

i haven't gotten myself into any sort of trouble with my louder mouth so it's not THAT bad?

last week i made the effort to not wear sweats...(even on PE days) & i have to say i felt different...i was a lot more confident....& like i noted in previous entries i got compliments left & right....it made me feel weird....(gareth: *looks at me* (day of pg&e interview) you look really pretty connie, me: thanks *awkward*, gareth: umm you do too erick, erick: *looks at me* umm thanks? me & erick: you look really nice today too gareth...it was really funny) it reminded me of that summer of dating...i never believed any of the compliments they gave me...gawd i had the worse self esteem

& back to my original topic...
my mother used to have a huge impact on my mood...it was so bad that if she said something bad to me i would just cry the night away...i was not able to accomplish a single thing...i was so hurt & angry...

the other day...she once again commented on my most hated topics...money & weight...money led to the other...eg, you spent like $100 on food what are you doing! you're eating so much. you're so fat already. blah blah blah

before this would have left my life spiralling downward for the night...

it was through the phone so i removed the phone from my ear far enough to know she was talking but not close enough to hear what she was saying...she went on for 10 minutes without any response from me...until she said "helloooo? hello! hello??" did i say "yea what" & she said "ok fine we'll talk later" & we hung up...

my heart burned with an anger...not even sadness...

i called chanda but she didn't pick up

by the time chanda called back i wasn't even mad anymore...i really didn't care...it was the same old shit...

yea so you think i'm fat...big whoop-dee-doo what else is new

she calls today to tell me (after dropping off my stuff at chanda's house) how chanda is hella skinny now...aka implying why aren't you....i said "yea that's nice"

what does she want me to do? get anerexia?
cuz THAT would truly solve all my problems

(i know di you're probably angry after reading this so sorry but the point was to say that it doesn't affect me anymore)

i guess what gets me is this...
i've told her many times to stop this nonsense but she claims she tells me because she's my mother & she cares about me...& therein lies the irony...if she really cared about me she would stop...& what does she think I'M doing...no i'm just telling her to stop for no reason. doesn't she realize it's my mental health in jeopardy?...granted i'm strong enough to have finally come through....but i can't imagine how others cope...i guess they're like the old me...they don't...

& here's another topic...

it's weird how more & more as i grow older i hear the words "when i'm a parent, i will..." & i love conversations like that because it really gives you an understanding of that person & their morals/values/thoughts/etc...but it's amusing how we're all so innately ready & excited to be parents...

i know that has been one of my dreams since i don't even know when...

which is kind of ironic as well because it is a very selfish act & i'm usually not

i was on the bart one time when i was thinking about what if someone asked me "why do you want to be a parent?"

all the answers i could think of were sooo incredibly selfish & wrong sounding:

i want to raise someone with my values

i want someone to love me unconditionally (haha he/she's not a dog!)

i want to see the beauty of life grow up

the only nicer one i could think of was...i want a child to grow up in a very loving environment where they can develop into a very successful person

but as chanda pointed out that only works if you're willing to adopt as well

but i am...granted i'd be upset if i couldn't have children but so many kids can be adopted...i really don't care if he/she has my dna i just want to raise a child...or two

i know in marriage you try to find the right match

but i wonder how many people get married simply because they know that guy will make a great dad...cuz in the end isn't that what it is? shopping for a dad for your child (brutal i know haha) why else do we find it so adorable when guys are good with kids?

when i was on the bart it was this crying girl that sparked these thoughts in my mind

she was a toddler & she was wailing & screaming...she was adorable..very coarse light brown curly hair that was tied into a tiny ponytail...her mom just holding her so stop her crying (but i think it was from the movement of the bart that bothered her that or she was just toying with us cuz she'd stop crying at every stop) at each stop someone would talk to her or she'd do something...the 1st one a lady said "it's ok honey don't cry" & she stopped & at another stop a bunch of people were lined up at the door to leave & 1 really cute guy said "bye bye (he waved) i won't see you after this. bye bye" & another cute guy behind him was smiling at her & waving & she looked at them & waved & said "bye bye bye bye" then at another stop she stopped crying pulled away from her mom to look at her & kissed her mom on the face & then she did it again & said "i love you"

it was the cutest thing ever

i remember when ken & i were together...he always talked about "hating kids" & how he just wanted to be the fun-loving uncle ken & not a dad...

i hated it when he said that but then after dating for a while i knew he was just putting up a front...

because one time he was listening to angry rock w/ swear words & we were driving to his house & he suddenly turned it off & he explained that it was about the time that school let out & kids were walking home & he didn't want to expose them to that...i smiled

another time..i told him i wanted to go to the harry potter 2 movie premeire because i did it for the first one so we waited in line w/ a bunch of little kids & when we sat down i sat next to a really really tiny asian girl her feet barely reached the edge of the seat when she sat in the theater seat & she sat with her dad...she was soo excited i kept telling ken how cute she was & he was like ugh whatever...& she kept saying really cute things i forget what...& like when the title came up she asked "what does it say, daddy?" & he said "it says harry potter" & she was so happy & at the end of the movie ken finally confessed...ok she really is very cute...

ok this is so awkward
i just got a call from this guy i hung out with one time...he always calls me & then i found out he thought that time we hung out was a date...& now he just called he said "with the purpose of telling me how he felt" & i thought i had accidentally stumbled on this very awkward topic mid conversation..i kept trying to convert the convo into one about my food poisoning but he ignored me & continued talking...reason 1 of many why i can't date him don't ignored the girl you're trying to profess your love to! oy...haha...but anyways...he was not flat out..oh wait yea he was he said "i like you connie" haha i forgot...basically i was laughing very nervously through the whole thing...

i know this is very masochistic but it's partially because i suck at confrontation....but i couldn't bring myself to just say...sorry no

this will make me sound like a horrible person but i know i had often said that i was always hurt by guys...but i think i kind of forget that i might've hurt people along the way as well...i don't think anything serious though...at least i don't think so...but then again some of those guys loved very easily...they would tell me how much they liked me very early on...i don't know...

you know...this is kind of sad...but all my relationships the guy liked me first & then i liked them or i grew to...some of the guys i dated we liked each other simultaneously but obviously nothing came of those...

once in a while i hear the bf of the person that lives across the hall visiting her...& i don't think she even likes him as much as he likes her which is weird from the outside (because he's very very cute & she's regular not that it matters) (i can hear them talking if they're standing in the hallway) one time he brought her quarters for laundry & she's like oh you didn't have to come here now i just meant eventually & he said he had walked really fast from le conte (a 10-15 minute walk) to bring her the money...tonight he knocked a roger rabbit like knock & she said oh hi & he said i brought pleasantville for us to watch...it's very cute..cuz he just comes over to surprise her sometimes...i've passed the feelings of jealousy & i just think it's super cute...

wow maybe chris(from my team last semester) & erick were right...i DO use cute too much....whatever...it's cute:P

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:57 PM PST
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Thursday, 31 March 2005
interview
wish me luck!

it's kind of strange that i'm so nervous & it's really not a big deal...i just have to talk...i can do that....kinda

but i also feel really special now because i looked at the career site & i didn't realize but there were only 5 preselect slots...& i kinda feel special being one of them

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:32 AM PST
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Monday, 28 March 2005
happiness
so i will preface this entry by saying that this entry will sound like i'm bragging but i don't really care haha...so if you don't feel like reading on so be it:) love you nonetheless

*pause*"you look pretty today"

"so is this a permanent thing or temporary"
me: "why"
(i'm sure this was kiddingly or to not make me feel bad) "cuz i like it so i want to make sure it stays"

"gee you look all fancy"

etc

weird how much attention can be mustered by chopping off my hair

kinda feels nice but then it reminds me how much emphasis is placed on appearance again...not going to go into it cuz at this pt in my life i don't really care haha

so i am feeling better from the food poisioning but my stomach is still super weak..it makes strange noises i have no control over & i have to lie down a lot after i eat

"your dad said you seemed a lot happier since you got that job"

i really am...

"you were always meant more for the working world"

my mom had said on the phone tonight...
i knew this too....i had always said...if they just gave me that chance i'd prove that i could do everything really well...probably better than i could ever show it at school...granted i'm not doing "rocket science" but i'm just better when it comes to the real world..maybe because all of a sudden the rest of me is useful...that i can read people well that i can learn pretty fast...etc

the moment i stepped into the office for my interview i just wanted to work...i had an itching for it...it's weird to explain...i guess i just really want to feel useful...in a way that could be put down on paper (what i mean is you can fully see the work i accomplish after i'm done)

this job is a complete 180 from my other job(s)...for one they are completely nice & respectful & the schedule is so flexible i don't feel watched or stressed & i don't worry about it the second i step out of the office (i don't know if it's the work that does that or my state of mind nowadays) i truly see everything in my ieor171 class coming to life in this office...it's the good example & my past experience is the bad example.....my new boss (andy) is very good at motivating the employees...every interaction i have had with him is good...he tells me what i need to do & if i need help he has all the patience in the world...i couldn't ask for a better situation...even when he's stressed he is very calm...he constantly comes by to say what a great job i'm doing & how smart i am...i had to wait for when i was quitting to hear that stuff from farooq...i'm not saying that i need to hear these things to be motivated since i'm pretty good at making myself do that at work already but it doesn't hurt & it's always a pleasure to be appreciated...nothing is worse than breaking your back to do your best & then having it go unnoticed or unappreciated...

anyways...so i've been studying for PG&E interview (this will sounds really weird & like i'm complaining about a freaking lame situation) but i'm afraid of getting it but i'm also afraid of feeling like i didn't give it my all to get it...what i mean is...i really love work right now & i can't bear to have to tell them that i need to leave but at the same time at PG&E i have somewhere to advance to & it is a bigger company name...i don't know...i'm eligible for 2 positions at PG&E so so far i've decided that if they offered me this certain one i won't say yes & if it's the other then i might say yes...i don't know i will take it as it comes...

oh yea on another note it's funny that i thought my spring break wasn't all that relaxing because i really did clear my mind of all things bad/toxic that was a huge ball in me before that i kind of just forgot about....so in the end i am happy....it was a good break:)....i feel refreshed to be back

when in monterey i bought a bracelet that was actually sup'd to be religious..it was some sort of prayer box that you write on paper a prayer & you put it in the box...but i couldn't resist because the box was very very cute...so i put a paper in it that i wrote on both sides of...with my wish for myself....it's a secret...but it's pretty general & i hope that i find it in life eventually...& i remember i told chanda that when i wear my gold cross necklace sometimes that my grandma gave me for my 16th birthday i wear it not really for religious reasons but simply because well 1, my grandma gave it to me(sort of like when i asked harm why he had a picture of the virgin mary in his car & he said it was simply for the reason that his grandma gave it to him)..it was something she promised to me since i was little & we were very very close & 2, i think of it as having faith in myself (i know that sounds very corny) but i really believe that if you have faith & you believe (in my case in myself) that you can do anything....it's not even a matter of psychological whatever it's the truth...i KNOW if i want it i can get it...so that's what i think about this little bracelet as well. if i have faith in myself i will achieve the goals i have placed inside....(well at least one side of it haha...no you can't know i didn't even tell chanda)

everytime i discuss happiness i remember that dream i had one time in which i screamed to an angry old couple that "happiness was relative"....happiness was what you made it....you could be happy at any point in life...i know people do not want to hear it but often times then not YOU are what is standing int he way of your happiness....i'm not saying you are to blame please don't get all angry at me...what i'm saying is happiness is a state of mind that you need to achieve....i'm not saying it's easy by any means...i'm just stating...

btw i love futurama haha

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:31 PM PST
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Thursday, 24 March 2005
yes i'm alive
so i've been computerless for quite some time now...& it doesn't really matter to me actually until i realize taht people from work or internships or whatever are trying to contact me...

but yea...chanda, becca, her friend natalie, & i went to monterey on monday & stayed til wednesday...we did a lot of stuff even though it didn't feel like it...we went to the aquarium, cannery row, 17-mile drive, fisherman's wharf, the "fair" which turned out to just be a farmer's market cuz it was raining, watched hitch, gilroy outlets, yada yada yada...

it was fun but i dunno...it wasn't as fun filled as maybe i had hoped...don't really want to go into it here...but yea...i actually didn't get to eat a lot of seafood either which was disappointing but oh well...i will post pictures later since i'm very very lamely in the lab in the basement of etcheverry because i really needed to reply to an internship & i had no other means...

yesterday we came back at around 3pm i think? i went to chanda's to check mail & study & eat...she went to get thai basil as i went home to drop off my luggage & i had bought one of my faves there: thai pepper chicken...so i gobbled it all up cuz i hadn't had ethnic food in forever haha...& then i had a creamsicle which was yums but then when studying i felt really really icky...it was as if i wanted to burp but then not really because it felt worse...everytime i opened my mouth i would automatically gag...i hadn't felt like that before it was so awful....so i tried to throw up naturally & that didn't work so finally when we decided to rewards ourselves with futurama i sat down & i gagged & i ran to the bathroom & threw up....i forgot how horrible throwing up felt...i kept gagging & nothing was coming out anymore...it really hurt my throat...so i cleaned up & got back & chanda said i might need to throw up again...i said no no i should be fine...she said it was food poisoning which i had never had...so i dunno...but sure enough mid-episode i had to run to the bathroom again....ok so then i felt a lot better & i decided to go home cuz it was getting late...everything was fine...my mom told me to drink warm water to cleanse my system & even if i threw that up to keep drinking...so i did just that & most of you probably don't know how weird it is to know your stomach is completely empty (cuz that was basically the only real meal i had all day) & to just be throwing up water...it felt just as awful...i tried to go to bed...but every few minutes my stomach would wringe in pain & then stop & just when i think i'm better it'll start again...i left on the tv cuz i think it comforted me that someone was there or someone was awake with me or something...this continued until 6am i was just lying there...no way being more comfortable than the other gripping the blankets really hard because i couldn't make noise...i was going between sweating & coldness because my heater isn't working so i had to try to wear the right amt of clothes...& there were moments when after throwing up or whatever my whole body felt pricky & weak & i couldn't muster the energy to get up...& then after each fest i'd have to clean it up...gawd i felt like i was giving labor or something...cept not because nothing good would come of this cept to not eat at thai basil again....i lay there...not even tired anymore i was just so angry & i felt soo helpless & it reminded me of when i was sick sophomore year one time & i stayed up the whole night because the pain kept be from sleeping & i had 2 midterms the next day so i just sat there wanting to sleep so badly with my textbook open in my lap & i felt so shitty & i felt like i had no one....anyways...yea these things always happen so unopportunely because today was also my first day at work...i was also very nervous...

i woke up today feeling a lot lot better but i could tell i was very weak...my whole body was tired

i ended up having some oatmeal for breakfast as advised by my mom to cleanse my system...& a veggie delight at subway as advised by chanda for lunch in case my stomach couldn't take the meat...i'll probably have a light dinner when i get home as well...i can feel my stomach churning in anger if i overdo anything...

but yea...i DO feel better now...

today was my first day at work...they're really nice i just feel like i have nothing to say to them cuz they are a lot older than me...but they're very helpful...sometimes i feel like the co-workers think i'm really weird though...oh well...i did some basic tasks today...the day went by pretty fast...& i'm really happy to be there...it kinda reminds me how i love working...it just feel a lot more accomplished than i do with school...

i feel like i didn't really relax this break...but i know i did...i just think i could've done a better job carrying out that aspect...ah well

i should probably head home now or to visit chanda cuz i'm tired...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 6:51 PM PST
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Saturday, 19 March 2005
boring yet excitement filled day
"oooh!!!! you look....hmm it's different"

haha those are the reactions so far
so that's not too assuring but once i go back to berkeley i will take pictures to show you my new haircut...it was very very dramatic in my world to say the least since all i ever do is layer the front...

it's a lot shorter...i think i've only had hair this short once in middle school...cuz my hair grows pretty slow & i got bangs...sup'dly their similar to chandas but because of my hair texture they sit differently than hers

chanda got highlights..for some reason i envisioned blonder so i was hesitant but it turned out more of a burgundy brown & they're really natural & nice...big fan...

afterwards chanda & i ate at a mexican place in downtown los gatos called pedro's it was very delish...had a real tamale..it's yums...& the mexican rice is the best i've had...

went home & then went to eye appt for my contact lenses fitting...

when i went home my mom was already kind of "shocked" by my hair...but she assured me she liked it...

& then after i put on contacts she was like ok...i don't know who you are anymore...

so yea apparently i look really really different hahah

oh yea funny thing is that both chanda & i left the same darn things in berk...kinda stupid of me...camera, checkbook....& sunglasses i guess for monterey...oh well...

oh yea & i'm sooo excited too cuz i just checked my email & i got an interview for PG&E which is amazing...well for me...i guess it does pay off to sign up hahahhaha....

oh yea & the interview friday i think went ok...i really think they're a really cute company & they're sooo funny...but apparently more ppl than i realized are also going for the job so now i'm a bit nervous...oh well we'll see....

i bought random pants today too

i decided my favorite brand for pants is gap...there's no competition...like i'll try one other ones & they'll be regular but when i try on gap ones they're just perfect...gotta love it

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:23 PM PST
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