this is be a random hodgepodge of things that have been running through my head or experiencing hmm aka like all my other blog entries...
i was sitting in 161 the other day thinking to myself...as i saw someone do something kinda embarrassing...i always seem to catch those funnyt hings people don't think i see...then a second later i realized how stupid that sounded...if i didn't catch them i wouldn't even have known they happened meaning of course i "always seem to see them" in my eyes
every little thing if not scheduled in my busy life at the moment is freaking me out...
work has gone into a dip type situation...i think the president has been super stressed...so he's not mean but he's also not nice to me so much anymore...i'm kind of just expected to do things now...the extra i do it not extra anymore...& it's feeling more & more like an obligation...& i hate that feeling...
it might be from the stress too though...
i have too much on my plate...
i'm slowly going crazy..
i feel myself getting stupider...i even wondered for a moment how the hell i got into berkeley today
it's really bothering me but i guess at least i'm living in the now...& things are different than they used to me...
which brings me to my next topic
chanda told me what she deemed "a sad story" yesterday...it was regarding a friend's friend...
the basic jist of the story was that...
her bf went to pick up his ex from the airport
the girl asked what if she wants to go to dinner then what?
bf says he'll say he ate already
he took a long time so she called him & he said yea we're at a burger place
she gets mad & just hangs up on him
he comes home & tells her that he didn't order anything...the ex's coworker came yada yada yada
i forget why but she sees a paper on her chair & so she looks & sees a receipt to a really really nice restaurant in berkeley
she wakes him up to ask him what it is
he tells her oh yea we ended up going there w/ the coworker blah blah blah only she ate...she had an appetizer, entree, & dessert
so she decides to call this restaurant & ask what "she ordered" & finds out he DID order & they didn't even have the things he said they had
she gives him another chance to tell the truth & he kept lying
she hasn't decided what to do...sup'dly she wants to stick around for revenge cuz i guess he probably pulls that kinda shit all the time...
as chanda told me this story...
i started remembering
i had kind of forgotten...
the pain things like that bring
all i said to chanda during was "that's how dom was" cuz it was so deja vu....
& at the end i told her "what's the point...revenge...in the end it's just better to get out of that situation...it's not worth it...it's not worth that pain"
i know...in anger that's what everyone seems to want...revenge...
but when you step away...at least when i step away...you just want to step out the better person...& the best thing to do is to just stop w/ the acting & move on...there's no point...
if the point of such revenge is for them to understand how much they hurt you...don't you think they would've just not lied to prevent that?
i'm not saying they don't care about you...but there is something about two people involved that just don't match up...
once the trust is gone...it's gone
i learned that the hard way...there's no use in sticking around
chanda kept saying "i can't imagine that i can't imagine that...if aaron did that to me...blah blah blah"
& that's the funny thing...i always told her she had it good...& she never understood what i had been through & here's the proof when you separate the people from the situation...she never will understand that kind of pain...
hell no one will until you feel it
i guess it just amazes me what great lengths people take to lie....when in the end the truth never escapes my grasp...
& the sad thing is...i always seem to end up w/ those jerks...& that whole attraction to bad boys thing doesn't work cuz most of the time they like me first & then i like them after they pursue me...
i guess one good thing about being so busy is i have no time to think about this kinda stuff
i always surprise myself w/ how much i can suppress in my memory...
what worries me though is if i think about it & i remember...i can get very very angry at times (depending on what i remember)...& it proves to me that things aren't solved are they..they're just shoved in the back...i guess that's only the case w/ dom..ken is over & done w/...
sometimes i can't believe how i even kept up w/ such shit...
& it was always the same damn shit
he's lie or omit the truth (newsflash: same thing as lying people...)
(eg, what'd you do this weekend? said: oh nothing worked a bit was really busy; truth: hung out w/ ex girlfriend who slept over we went shopping blah blah blah)(eg, while visiting me...aww why are you here? i was in the area...*he gets a phone call from the ex* he says to her no no i haven't gotten home yet i just stopped on the side of the road to take a nap...)
i'd find out the truth
my heart would stop
i would want to cry
i'd confront him
he'd tell me he was protecting me or didn't think it was important cuz "nothing happened"
repeat
& as time went on the finding out the truth didn't even matter anymore because the suspicions were always there...hell most of the time i was suspicious i was right
wow this is not the thing to be "talking" about right now cuz i'm remembering so i'm getting pissed off kinda...
see...the thing is i don't feel the pain from what heppened anymore...i just feel the bitterness & the anger...
i think somewhat at myself for having put up w/ that kind of shit...it was so unnecessary to my life
hell i still hate "her" & truth is...i know it's partially her fault because she knew i existed but i probably put more blame on her than she deserves...but who the fuck tries to woo's someone else's bf...anyways...
also like i had told di...hearing her name or seeing her name spelled out makes me cringe or burn inside cuz one, it's an ugly name HAHAHAH (i'm not saying it) & two, it's proves that she really does exist & that she is a real human being...i guess in a weird way i just want to think of her as an entity not worthy of a name or identity...hmm & based on what i have heard/seen she isn't worthy...
there must be a reason for his parents loving me & hating her...
eh whatever...i'm delving deeper into this than i care to...
sorry people that read this
on a somewhat lighter note..
my apple had a sticker that said there's a new snow white musical at disneyland & only until i said it in words did i realize how creepy that is...
i will fall asleep forever after i eat that apple...
must not trust them fuji's anymore
unless my prince...
oh shuddup connie