oh that's so high school...
so...i was thinking about this during my midterm=bad
haha
but i mean i couldn't help but let it bother me because i know the "scenarios i dreamt up" were real
i always seem to be right when it comes to these things even though it sounds like paranoia at the time...
even with dom...i just seemed to know...i know sometimes i was wrong...but probably half of those times he was lying anyways...so in the end i was probably right
but...i realized that when i was in high school & even when i was out i always thought of my high school as a "bubble" as are many high schools...
not only are we sheltered from the world it was it own small society...there were the popular ones that held the power...there were the nerdy ones that got the work done (probably sometimes even for the popular/powerful ones)...there are the spirited ones...the nice ones...the small cliches...everyone fit into a niche...& if they didn't there was always a group to catch those as well...bonded over the fact that they couldn't bond with others...there were the teacher's pet & class clowns....
& thing was...most people i know know that this fame or lack thereof was a temporary thing...it was high school...once you graduated it's the real world waiting for you...i could quote hoobastank "remember me" lyrics:
Did you know me
or where you too preoccupied with
playing king in your small kingdom
and now the real world
has stripped you of your royalty
and from your kingdom your evicted
& this morning in midterm it kinda hit me...i mean the thought was always lingering but i felt it hit me this morning..i don't know if it was the lack of sleep (i kinda nodded off during the exam & had a really mini half asleep dream haha bad i know i know but i followed my directions & came back to sleep anyways) but i realized that we NEVER do leave high school...it's is very much part of the real world & there's just no denying it
here i am in college..having feeling of exculsion/unappreciation that i had exactly in high school...
being an ieor major basically ensures that you will have class with all the same people...everyday...(it's a small dept in comparison to others) & in ieor140 (my robotics class) i had made a close group of friends...professor glassey said that was his intention...he equated it to marine boot camp (of course not in intensity well it was intensity in terms of thinking but yea) he said that it was all about the camaderie that you built in the class...he wanted us to all grow closer because of this experience we had together...& it truly did just that...i loved my ieor group of friends...they're all really special to me
but my point was...(i will not go into it cuz i don't feel like pissing people off) i realized that even if i didn't want to be a part of this group...i had no way out...i mean i did...i could just up & stop being nice but that would ensure social isolation in ALL my classes....so what started as something great suddenly feels binding...the thing is i know i sound angry or whatever but it's not that i don't love them...i just don't think they want to give the effort to be my friend back...(levels vary in each of course)
but basically that has what has been bugging me the past few days
& i knew this high school situation extended further than i would ever want...this was going to be true wherever i went...whether it be grad school or the work place...you HAD to be forced into a positive relationship with those around you..you're stuck with them..until you move to another job...then you're in the same situation with different people...i know i know i'm overreacting as if this is some horrible secret...i'm not saying that all the people you will meet in your life will be bad or make you feel icky cuz that's just untrue...but i guess i just don't like the thought of having that freedom taken away from me..the freedom to choose who i WANT to be associated with
oh yea & i will do what i would've never done in high school haha...refute hoobastank *gasp*
i decided that the people that are popular in high school (ok not always) but they have a reason for being such...whether it be their looks, their history, their family, their money, their spirit/involvement, etc...
i'm not saying being popular let's them get away with anything but i'm saying that if they were popular they probably had a higher chance of success than the average bear (maybe not in comparison to the nerd cuz he actually has the brains) but if that person is very capable of working their power & position & popularity (mean girls' regina style) they are probably going to be pretty set in the "real world" as well
high school society has to be modeled after something...(high schoolers are not THAT creative) so it still is like "real world" society...& in the real world we worship those that are beautiful & are intrigued by those that come from certain families etc etc etc...so their success in a mini bubble will probably related somewhat when they are outside the bubble...yes i know this is not always the case & thus the hoobastank song but it's cuz they can't work their power...they aren't smart enough...
anyways that was kind of my rant
midterm this morning sucked
but whatever...it is over...
oh yes & i am reminded that i love berkeley (not sarcastic)
i was standing at the bus stop this morning at 7:20 some & i stood there reading my notes not looking up if it wasn't my bus...one bus that passed was't sure if i just wasn't paying attention so they honked at me in case...it didn't really occur to me at the time that that was why they honked..i juts paid them no attention...but some homeless-ish guy mumbled i'm not waiting for a bus...&
he asked me are you?
i said yes i am
he said why didn't you get on!
i said oh i want a different one
he said ooh well then that was nice of her she made sure it wasn't that one
i said yea
there was a lot of noise from traffic so he was mumbling & i couldn't hear so i kinda just kept studying
& i heard him say after the noise subsided
yes it's good that you study...your education is very important...i've been in berkeley since the 60s & he mumbled on as he slowly walked away
i had to smile...
i love how most of the homeless people i have interacted with are not bitter...& they all seem to have this intrigue & high value of knowledge...
i'm always so impressed...that they can either admit the necessity of it or embrace it..homeless people are a lot smarter than you want to believe...
i'm guessing you want to think they aren't smart & that's why they are in the state they're in...but it's just not the case...
i remember when i worked at campus market this really really homeless & stinky guy would come in..he was white...he would always try to speak japanese with kaori (not in a creepy way) & he'd say very poetic things...i was always so intrigued
& i know this will sound bad esp when we're gonna be looking for jobs soon but chanda said she met one one time that was an ex berk math grad student haha
anyways...oh yea sleep does wonders for my metabolism..i thought i'd say that randomly
ok i'm done