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C is for...candor
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Thursday, 31 March 2005
interview
wish me luck!

it's kind of strange that i'm so nervous & it's really not a big deal...i just have to talk...i can do that....kinda

but i also feel really special now because i looked at the career site & i didn't realize but there were only 5 preselect slots...& i kinda feel special being one of them

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:32 AM PST
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Monday, 28 March 2005
happiness
so i will preface this entry by saying that this entry will sound like i'm bragging but i don't really care haha...so if you don't feel like reading on so be it:) love you nonetheless

*pause*"you look pretty today"

"so is this a permanent thing or temporary"
me: "why"
(i'm sure this was kiddingly or to not make me feel bad) "cuz i like it so i want to make sure it stays"

"gee you look all fancy"

etc

weird how much attention can be mustered by chopping off my hair

kinda feels nice but then it reminds me how much emphasis is placed on appearance again...not going to go into it cuz at this pt in my life i don't really care haha

so i am feeling better from the food poisioning but my stomach is still super weak..it makes strange noises i have no control over & i have to lie down a lot after i eat

"your dad said you seemed a lot happier since you got that job"

i really am...

"you were always meant more for the working world"

my mom had said on the phone tonight...
i knew this too....i had always said...if they just gave me that chance i'd prove that i could do everything really well...probably better than i could ever show it at school...granted i'm not doing "rocket science" but i'm just better when it comes to the real world..maybe because all of a sudden the rest of me is useful...that i can read people well that i can learn pretty fast...etc

the moment i stepped into the office for my interview i just wanted to work...i had an itching for it...it's weird to explain...i guess i just really want to feel useful...in a way that could be put down on paper (what i mean is you can fully see the work i accomplish after i'm done)

this job is a complete 180 from my other job(s)...for one they are completely nice & respectful & the schedule is so flexible i don't feel watched or stressed & i don't worry about it the second i step out of the office (i don't know if it's the work that does that or my state of mind nowadays) i truly see everything in my ieor171 class coming to life in this office...it's the good example & my past experience is the bad example.....my new boss (andy) is very good at motivating the employees...every interaction i have had with him is good...he tells me what i need to do & if i need help he has all the patience in the world...i couldn't ask for a better situation...even when he's stressed he is very calm...he constantly comes by to say what a great job i'm doing & how smart i am...i had to wait for when i was quitting to hear that stuff from farooq...i'm not saying that i need to hear these things to be motivated since i'm pretty good at making myself do that at work already but it doesn't hurt & it's always a pleasure to be appreciated...nothing is worse than breaking your back to do your best & then having it go unnoticed or unappreciated...

anyways...so i've been studying for PG&E interview (this will sounds really weird & like i'm complaining about a freaking lame situation) but i'm afraid of getting it but i'm also afraid of feeling like i didn't give it my all to get it...what i mean is...i really love work right now & i can't bear to have to tell them that i need to leave but at the same time at PG&E i have somewhere to advance to & it is a bigger company name...i don't know...i'm eligible for 2 positions at PG&E so so far i've decided that if they offered me this certain one i won't say yes & if it's the other then i might say yes...i don't know i will take it as it comes...

oh yea on another note it's funny that i thought my spring break wasn't all that relaxing because i really did clear my mind of all things bad/toxic that was a huge ball in me before that i kind of just forgot about....so in the end i am happy....it was a good break:)....i feel refreshed to be back

when in monterey i bought a bracelet that was actually sup'd to be religious..it was some sort of prayer box that you write on paper a prayer & you put it in the box...but i couldn't resist because the box was very very cute...so i put a paper in it that i wrote on both sides of...with my wish for myself....it's a secret...but it's pretty general & i hope that i find it in life eventually...& i remember i told chanda that when i wear my gold cross necklace sometimes that my grandma gave me for my 16th birthday i wear it not really for religious reasons but simply because well 1, my grandma gave it to me(sort of like when i asked harm why he had a picture of the virgin mary in his car & he said it was simply for the reason that his grandma gave it to him)..it was something she promised to me since i was little & we were very very close & 2, i think of it as having faith in myself (i know that sounds very corny) but i really believe that if you have faith & you believe (in my case in myself) that you can do anything....it's not even a matter of psychological whatever it's the truth...i KNOW if i want it i can get it...so that's what i think about this little bracelet as well. if i have faith in myself i will achieve the goals i have placed inside....(well at least one side of it haha...no you can't know i didn't even tell chanda)

everytime i discuss happiness i remember that dream i had one time in which i screamed to an angry old couple that "happiness was relative"....happiness was what you made it....you could be happy at any point in life...i know people do not want to hear it but often times then not YOU are what is standing int he way of your happiness....i'm not saying you are to blame please don't get all angry at me...what i'm saying is happiness is a state of mind that you need to achieve....i'm not saying it's easy by any means...i'm just stating...

btw i love futurama haha

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:31 PM PST
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Thursday, 24 March 2005
yes i'm alive
so i've been computerless for quite some time now...& it doesn't really matter to me actually until i realize taht people from work or internships or whatever are trying to contact me...

but yea...chanda, becca, her friend natalie, & i went to monterey on monday & stayed til wednesday...we did a lot of stuff even though it didn't feel like it...we went to the aquarium, cannery row, 17-mile drive, fisherman's wharf, the "fair" which turned out to just be a farmer's market cuz it was raining, watched hitch, gilroy outlets, yada yada yada...

it was fun but i dunno...it wasn't as fun filled as maybe i had hoped...don't really want to go into it here...but yea...i actually didn't get to eat a lot of seafood either which was disappointing but oh well...i will post pictures later since i'm very very lamely in the lab in the basement of etcheverry because i really needed to reply to an internship & i had no other means...

yesterday we came back at around 3pm i think? i went to chanda's to check mail & study & eat...she went to get thai basil as i went home to drop off my luggage & i had bought one of my faves there: thai pepper chicken...so i gobbled it all up cuz i hadn't had ethnic food in forever haha...& then i had a creamsicle which was yums but then when studying i felt really really icky...it was as if i wanted to burp but then not really because it felt worse...everytime i opened my mouth i would automatically gag...i hadn't felt like that before it was so awful....so i tried to throw up naturally & that didn't work so finally when we decided to rewards ourselves with futurama i sat down & i gagged & i ran to the bathroom & threw up....i forgot how horrible throwing up felt...i kept gagging & nothing was coming out anymore...it really hurt my throat...so i cleaned up & got back & chanda said i might need to throw up again...i said no no i should be fine...she said it was food poisoning which i had never had...so i dunno...but sure enough mid-episode i had to run to the bathroom again....ok so then i felt a lot better & i decided to go home cuz it was getting late...everything was fine...my mom told me to drink warm water to cleanse my system & even if i threw that up to keep drinking...so i did just that & most of you probably don't know how weird it is to know your stomach is completely empty (cuz that was basically the only real meal i had all day) & to just be throwing up water...it felt just as awful...i tried to go to bed...but every few minutes my stomach would wringe in pain & then stop & just when i think i'm better it'll start again...i left on the tv cuz i think it comforted me that someone was there or someone was awake with me or something...this continued until 6am i was just lying there...no way being more comfortable than the other gripping the blankets really hard because i couldn't make noise...i was going between sweating & coldness because my heater isn't working so i had to try to wear the right amt of clothes...& there were moments when after throwing up or whatever my whole body felt pricky & weak & i couldn't muster the energy to get up...& then after each fest i'd have to clean it up...gawd i felt like i was giving labor or something...cept not because nothing good would come of this cept to not eat at thai basil again....i lay there...not even tired anymore i was just so angry & i felt soo helpless & it reminded me of when i was sick sophomore year one time & i stayed up the whole night because the pain kept be from sleeping & i had 2 midterms the next day so i just sat there wanting to sleep so badly with my textbook open in my lap & i felt so shitty & i felt like i had no one....anyways...yea these things always happen so unopportunely because today was also my first day at work...i was also very nervous...

i woke up today feeling a lot lot better but i could tell i was very weak...my whole body was tired

i ended up having some oatmeal for breakfast as advised by my mom to cleanse my system...& a veggie delight at subway as advised by chanda for lunch in case my stomach couldn't take the meat...i'll probably have a light dinner when i get home as well...i can feel my stomach churning in anger if i overdo anything...

but yea...i DO feel better now...

today was my first day at work...they're really nice i just feel like i have nothing to say to them cuz they are a lot older than me...but they're very helpful...sometimes i feel like the co-workers think i'm really weird though...oh well...i did some basic tasks today...the day went by pretty fast...& i'm really happy to be there...it kinda reminds me how i love working...it just feel a lot more accomplished than i do with school...

i feel like i didn't really relax this break...but i know i did...i just think i could've done a better job carrying out that aspect...ah well

i should probably head home now or to visit chanda cuz i'm tired...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 6:51 PM PST
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Saturday, 19 March 2005
boring yet excitement filled day
"oooh!!!! you look....hmm it's different"

haha those are the reactions so far
so that's not too assuring but once i go back to berkeley i will take pictures to show you my new haircut...it was very very dramatic in my world to say the least since all i ever do is layer the front...

it's a lot shorter...i think i've only had hair this short once in middle school...cuz my hair grows pretty slow & i got bangs...sup'dly their similar to chandas but because of my hair texture they sit differently than hers

chanda got highlights..for some reason i envisioned blonder so i was hesitant but it turned out more of a burgundy brown & they're really natural & nice...big fan...

afterwards chanda & i ate at a mexican place in downtown los gatos called pedro's it was very delish...had a real tamale..it's yums...& the mexican rice is the best i've had...

went home & then went to eye appt for my contact lenses fitting...

when i went home my mom was already kind of "shocked" by my hair...but she assured me she liked it...

& then after i put on contacts she was like ok...i don't know who you are anymore...

so yea apparently i look really really different hahah

oh yea funny thing is that both chanda & i left the same darn things in berk...kinda stupid of me...camera, checkbook....& sunglasses i guess for monterey...oh well...

oh yea & i'm sooo excited too cuz i just checked my email & i got an interview for PG&E which is amazing...well for me...i guess it does pay off to sign up hahahhaha....

oh yea & the interview friday i think went ok...i really think they're a really cute company & they're sooo funny...but apparently more ppl than i realized are also going for the job so now i'm a bit nervous...oh well we'll see....

i bought random pants today too

i decided my favorite brand for pants is gap...there's no competition...like i'll try one other ones & they'll be regular but when i try on gap ones they're just perfect...gotta love it

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:23 PM PST
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Thursday, 17 March 2005
offensive
i never mean to offend anyone with these entries...

i really have no idea who reads my blog...

& i know more than i realize do

but this IS my blog so i can rant

i dunno who in ieor read this...but please don't get me wrong as i said before i love you all...hmm some more than others(that's why there is this disclaimer now)...but i appreciate all of you...i guess i just sometimes feel unloved...that's all

i guess it doesn't help that i'm the only girl in our "group"...maybe you guys think you offend me more than you do...

eh i guess i'm picky about what i want to be all girly about...& i chose to pick on how i'm treated instead of the topics that are talked about to/around me

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:14 PM PST
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oh that's so high school...
so...i was thinking about this during my midterm=bad
haha
but i mean i couldn't help but let it bother me because i know the "scenarios i dreamt up" were real
i always seem to be right when it comes to these things even though it sounds like paranoia at the time...
even with dom...i just seemed to know...i know sometimes i was wrong...but probably half of those times he was lying anyways...so in the end i was probably right
but...i realized that when i was in high school & even when i was out i always thought of my high school as a "bubble" as are many high schools...
not only are we sheltered from the world it was it own small society...there were the popular ones that held the power...there were the nerdy ones that got the work done (probably sometimes even for the popular/powerful ones)...there are the spirited ones...the nice ones...the small cliches...everyone fit into a niche...& if they didn't there was always a group to catch those as well...bonded over the fact that they couldn't bond with others...there were the teacher's pet & class clowns....
& thing was...most people i know know that this fame or lack thereof was a temporary thing...it was high school...once you graduated it's the real world waiting for you...i could quote hoobastank "remember me" lyrics:
Did you know me
or where you too preoccupied with
playing king in your small kingdom
and now the real world
has stripped you of your royalty
and from your kingdom your evicted

& this morning in midterm it kinda hit me...i mean the thought was always lingering but i felt it hit me this morning..i don't know if it was the lack of sleep (i kinda nodded off during the exam & had a really mini half asleep dream haha bad i know i know but i followed my directions & came back to sleep anyways) but i realized that we NEVER do leave high school...it's is very much part of the real world & there's just no denying it

here i am in college..having feeling of exculsion/unappreciation that i had exactly in high school...

being an ieor major basically ensures that you will have class with all the same people...everyday...(it's a small dept in comparison to others) & in ieor140 (my robotics class) i had made a close group of friends...professor glassey said that was his intention...he equated it to marine boot camp (of course not in intensity well it was intensity in terms of thinking but yea) he said that it was all about the camaderie that you built in the class...he wanted us to all grow closer because of this experience we had together...& it truly did just that...i loved my ieor group of friends...they're all really special to me

but my point was...(i will not go into it cuz i don't feel like pissing people off) i realized that even if i didn't want to be a part of this group...i had no way out...i mean i did...i could just up & stop being nice but that would ensure social isolation in ALL my classes....so what started as something great suddenly feels binding...the thing is i know i sound angry or whatever but it's not that i don't love them...i just don't think they want to give the effort to be my friend back...(levels vary in each of course)

but basically that has what has been bugging me the past few days

& i knew this high school situation extended further than i would ever want...this was going to be true wherever i went...whether it be grad school or the work place...you HAD to be forced into a positive relationship with those around you..you're stuck with them..until you move to another job...then you're in the same situation with different people...i know i know i'm overreacting as if this is some horrible secret...i'm not saying that all the people you will meet in your life will be bad or make you feel icky cuz that's just untrue...but i guess i just don't like the thought of having that freedom taken away from me..the freedom to choose who i WANT to be associated with

oh yea & i will do what i would've never done in high school haha...refute hoobastank *gasp*

i decided that the people that are popular in high school (ok not always) but they have a reason for being such...whether it be their looks, their history, their family, their money, their spirit/involvement, etc...
i'm not saying being popular let's them get away with anything but i'm saying that if they were popular they probably had a higher chance of success than the average bear (maybe not in comparison to the nerd cuz he actually has the brains) but if that person is very capable of working their power & position & popularity (mean girls' regina style) they are probably going to be pretty set in the "real world" as well

high school society has to be modeled after something...(high schoolers are not THAT creative) so it still is like "real world" society...& in the real world we worship those that are beautiful & are intrigued by those that come from certain families etc etc etc...so their success in a mini bubble will probably related somewhat when they are outside the bubble...yes i know this is not always the case & thus the hoobastank song but it's cuz they can't work their power...they aren't smart enough...

anyways that was kind of my rant

midterm this morning sucked
but whatever...it is over...


oh yes & i am reminded that i love berkeley (not sarcastic)
i was standing at the bus stop this morning at 7:20 some & i stood there reading my notes not looking up if it wasn't my bus...one bus that passed was't sure if i just wasn't paying attention so they honked at me in case...it didn't really occur to me at the time that that was why they honked..i juts paid them no attention...but some homeless-ish guy mumbled i'm not waiting for a bus...&
he asked me are you?
i said yes i am
he said why didn't you get on!
i said oh i want a different one
he said ooh well then that was nice of her she made sure it wasn't that one
i said yea
there was a lot of noise from traffic so he was mumbling & i couldn't hear so i kinda just kept studying
& i heard him say after the noise subsided
yes it's good that you study...your education is very important...i've been in berkeley since the 60s & he mumbled on as he slowly walked away
i had to smile...
i love how most of the homeless people i have interacted with are not bitter...& they all seem to have this intrigue & high value of knowledge...
i'm always so impressed...that they can either admit the necessity of it or embrace it..homeless people are a lot smarter than you want to believe...
i'm guessing you want to think they aren't smart & that's why they are in the state they're in...but it's just not the case...
i remember when i worked at campus market this really really homeless & stinky guy would come in..he was white...he would always try to speak japanese with kaori (not in a creepy way) & he'd say very poetic things...i was always so intrigued
& i know this will sound bad esp when we're gonna be looking for jobs soon but chanda said she met one one time that was an ex berk math grad student haha

anyways...oh yea sleep does wonders for my metabolism..i thought i'd say that randomly

ok i'm done

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 5:03 PM PST
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for future reference
look at the time...& already i've been awake for over 2 hrs..having slept at 1:30-2ish...
a midterm at 8am
i know i know connie's just complaining again
but yesterday night was the most stressed i've been in a long long time...
i know i always complain about all the things worrying me
but yesterday was an alltime low feeling
i felt like i couldn't understand anything..i spent hrs reading the textbook & barely anything sunk in...i was completely unable to focus even though tv & music were off...
i literally wanted to curl up into an emotional ball & cry...or scream...or something
i am much better this morning...my head is surprisingly clear
though the sleep felt like 10 minutes
things are finally making sense
see the thing is i did hw fine...i got it then i dunno why suddenly is was out of my grasp last night...
i really needed to get a grip
i also need to not let emotions affect me when i need to study...
i bet i was just dreaming up scenarios anyways
it's the paranoia in me
that's what happens when you lose trust
maybe it's good that this is happening right before spring break cuz then i will actually truly cherish my time off...
saturday i will be getting my hair done w/ chandies & then we'll be off to monterey...& we'll have a blast...i'll take lots & lots of pictures
i'll getta spend time with the fam which i'm very excited about too...i miss them more than ever

plus as of the phone call i got yesterday morning...things are looking up...i was estatic at the time...

things will/are getting better...just hang in there connie

i guess i really need to be thankful of chanda these past few days..i know i have been annoying as hell...cuz i keep repeating the same things going on in my head...when she called this morning/last night i even started to tear up with frustration...

tears of frustration are worse than tears of any other emotion...they are uncontrollable & you don't feel any better after...they aren't a catharsis of any sort...they just happen

anyways...wish me luck...
i already decided, for my own health & sleep deprivation of the past gawd i don't even know when (i haven't slept w/out an alarm set for a looooong time) i will come home right after the midterm & go to bed...alarm still set but only to wake up to have fun...dinner with chanders hopefully...haha i realized she totally sounds like my bf or something or vice versa....eh whatever...

have a good day everyone

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 6:21 AM PST
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Wednesday, 16 March 2005
damn it
actually today hasn't been all that bad...

but i decided i really NEED TO GET A GRIP

i do NOT like the person i am when i lack trust

although the easy way out would be to blame all my ex's...not to say it ISN'T their faults haha...

but i know it is something i really need to conquer

& i know that in the end it is really not about trust & it is about the confidence i have in myself

but if i truly had confidence like i thought i did..i would not be feeling the way i do...

granted i have made progress...but i still have not reached it...

i am currently absolutely flipped out...i can not handle having a midterm tomorrow i feel completely overwhelmed...this material is way harder than i thought it was...wish me luck

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 7:38 PM PST
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in contrast to yesterday
i feel pretty shitty

i know it's a combo of lots of random things...

-lack of sleep (too much studying)
-midterm III for the week coming up (wah using a cheat sheet takes 10% offa your grade)
-frustration (from a lot of things...)
-realization that certain things i long for will just never happen (*sigh* for a moment i had hope)
-failed coconut ice cream (i hate wasting food & i had it envisioned perfectly in my mind)
-student in lab touching his face after cutting thai chiles (i know all the blaming was in good fun kinda but it just really gets to me...i'm not sure why...maybe it makes me think i'm a bad "teacher" but i DID tell them to wash their hands)
-too much to do too little time
-realized that maybe people i want to be associated with don't want to be associated with me
-wine is still better/yummier than beer...but i still don't love alcohol unless it's in food...plus the nutrition lecture given by dini today in resistance training was all i could think about "alcohol is 7 calories per gram(?)...empty calories" as opposed to 4 cals in carbs & proteins...fat is like 9...ugggh...whatever at least in my lazyass state i am still able to finish core

*sigh*
i know..there's nothing really to complain about...but i think the realizations really really really got to me...it just made me feel soo shitty...i almost felt like i was in high school again...all i was worth was a couple of cookies sometimes...

i hate this feeling

i know i'm not the most entertaining person all the time but i'd like to think i have more of a personality than most...so what's wrong with me?

this is messing with my calibration

i really thought i had gotten to a point at which i didn't care...

i mean i don't as much as i used to...but it still kinda hurts

i don't want to be a leech

recently i've really wanted to have someone to call & i realize there is no one i really want to call...chanda has been so busy...& sometimes i know she gets bored with me just like i do w/ her...i'm supposedly still "mad" at adam...& chris...time difference...plus he seems so overworked...& i don't know (if you're reading this chris don't be offended...we're just at different places in life...cuz i can't seem to understand where you are since i haven't reached that pt yet) i just feel like we haven't connected like we used to...dom oy don't even need to go there...

suddenly i feel really alone

i haven't felt this way in a long time & now i don't know what to do with myself..i was getting too comfortable with being content...& now it's slapping me across the face

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:16 AM PST
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Tuesday, 15 March 2005
A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes
A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you will lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:21 AM PST
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