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C is for...candor
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Saturday, 12 March 2005
erasure
so as i was studying i was looking for anything to distract me...of course:P

& i picked up a notebook i used to write in when i had a break between classes...i would just spill my little heart out...i was reading it & i read an entry about how there was no such thing as erasure...i might've even written about it in this blog...but i always forget what stuff i write...it was about adam & how when we met up last year he reminded me that there is no such thing as erasure...i had always assumed that i made no impact on people's lives...& in the entry i talked about how i was so surprised that i was sucha big part of adam's life...& how i told dom that i was surprised & he responded that i seemed to think i never mattered to people...

& i guess that was the drama queen in me...cuz it's very unrealistic to think that people that were a part of my life never think about me ever again...

in that entry i had also quoted ben...i said something to him like i wonder if ken ever thinks about me...& ben replied that he did & i asked why he said that & if ken had said anything...ben said...every girl you date leaves you with something...you don't just forget.......& i knew he was right

ok the real point of this entry...was i found the mention of me in a blog of a friend...not by name but i smiled to myself because i knew it was me...i remember a long time ago i was mentioned in another person's blog that barely knew me too...it always kinda makes me feel special to be mentioned as having been there...even if nothing was really said about me...& it made me wonder....how ever long blogs stay around will at least prove that i was alive in this world...haha i know that sounds horrible...but what i mean is...ok i don't really know the point of this...but i guess if random people mention me on their blog only proves to me that people that were actually an active part of my life could not possibly ever forget me...

gawd this is a poorly written entry but please give me a break i've been comtemplating cover letters & reading stats for the whole day...i did not step out of my apt once today....:P



people at berkeley never seize to amaze me (that is not said sarcasticly)...i remember reading a friend's blog that said he is constantly meeting people here that blow him away...i feel the same way....i mean granted there are people here that don't deserve to be....but the majority of them are right on...they have such stories...they have such intelligence i have never seen....& they are all so involved in their own thing whatever that may be...every single one of them has their own creative niche....they're all so artistic & analytical at the same time....everytime i discover someone new i can't stop thinking how amazing they are...sometimes i wonder if people think that when they meet me? maybe i can't capture them with my "intelligence" at least engineering wise but maybe w/ my other aspects....i'd like to think i can intrigue people? haha...

ok ok i'm freaking out now i need to study

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:00 PM PST
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in addition to last entry
so this is just a random tidbit i thought about last night when i was writing the last entry but it was off topic so i waited & ended up forgetting to put it in at all...

so...

i remember around sophomore or freshman year of college i realized that it was not just my mother that caused my low self esteem & confidence in myself...i know that i feed into it so it is just as much my fault in ways but...in relation to what i was talking about before...getting hit on being such a compliment

i remember when i still kept in touch w/ all my hs girlfriends even the ones i was not THAT close to...when i told them about these incidences...because i guess they were somewhat new to me...in high school the guys involved w/ the girls in our group did not change very much...so this was all very new to me...anyways i would tell them these incidences & every single time...every single one of them would give excuses as to why i was wrong & when i'd say something to prove them wrong they'd just give me a "whatever" comment & then i would doubt myself & think maybe i AM wrong...maybe i was thinking too big headed-ly...

eg, i remember freshman yr this guy working at noah's was very blatantly hitting on me offering me drinks for free etc...& i was soo confused at the time...& so at first i just assumed he was nice to everyone but then the girl right behind me which i thought was very cute did not get the same treatment & i though hmm, weird....

so naturally this boosted my self esteem at the time...i told a hs friend & she said...maybe he just thought you were thirsty...or maybe he didn't want you to see him acting the same towards the other girl otherwise it would discredit him so he was waiting for you to leave...& i thought hmm yea i guess maybe....but now i think about it & i was like you fucker this is why i hate girls....that is such a big stretch & yea it's possible...but really was it necessary to "what if" it to the ground....as if it's impossible that someone could possibly find connie attractive....

not that i'm saying i'm that at all

but this is entirely why i hate girls & when i look back on it i hated hs so much....it's such bullshit a real friend would just leave it at that...happy to have heard the story cuz it's an interesting story but a friend that is constantly looking to compete/compare & put you down does what my "friend" did....& it was more than one friend! & it was regarding different incidences....that just pisses me off...

[insert stories about hs drama]
i deleted it because i really don't know who reads this & i don't feel like dealing with the "consequences"

i'm glad that all that high school drama is past me...in fact i'm glad i don't have drama in my life right now...i read a really really old entry that i had in a secret place & i wrote how i love boredom better than not because at least in boredom there is no drama...but i guess drama is a man-made phenomenon anyways...

another random thing...i wonder how many people read this blog that i don't know about or know at all for that matter...cuz i know i read the ones of people i barely know sometimes just cuz it's kinda fun to figure it out...*shrug*

i need to study...3 midterms next week

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:55 PM PST
Updated: Sunday, 13 March 2005 12:30 AM PST
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Friday, 11 March 2005
self assurance
two random funny things...

1
i remember one morning in our 8 am class someone walked into our classroom even though it wasn't her class you saw her mumble embarrassedly with a nervous forced smile as she backed up & out the door

erick had pointed out it was funny that people even bothered to do that whole scenario..everyone walks intot he wrong classroom once in a while so just leave not like anyone cares

& that's so true...it's like we're almost trying to make it ok in our minds & null it out cuz we're just very embarrassed when in reality the other people really don't care...

i saw this happen the other day this girl got off the bus & she walked to the right & then she turned around & walked to the left, facing my direction, & she turned beet red & she lightly hit her head in a "duh" motion...that whole charade made me want to laugh more than the "embarrassing" incident in itself


2
so i know i've probably said this before & everyone can figure this out for themselves..but it always kind of amuses me too when people bring up incidences of other people hitting on them or ask what i think about it....
& the funny thing is that it sticks out so much in our heads....what i mean is...getting hit on is always the ultimate random self esteem booster...(which reminds me of a king of queens episode in which doug bribed the construction workers to yell dirty comments at his wife as she walked home so she'd be in a better mood & it totally worked hahah anyways) so i'm very much guilty of this too so i'm not saying anything is wrong with it really...
but it's still kind of sad to know that so much of our confidence is based on what other people think of us even if we don't even like them...i'm not saying that this can be changed & that people should cuz in the end that is what the world is like so you will need to fit in to be able to survive but i just wish it didn't have to be that way...
& it's always kinda fun/funny when these incidents are used to make someone else jealous...i know a lot of people are guilty of this...i mean i've even gotten the other end of it recently & i have to say it's awkward haha....i know i did it to dom a lot when i was still bitter slash when he was still an asshole...not that he's changed at all...ouch but i remember i worked at the time & when you work a job in which you serve people you get the strangest compliments which can turn out to be the most flattering....i have to admit i'm sure it boosted my confidence a lot at the time...
but anyways....sometimes i wonder if people repeat these incidences to prove themselves or to make you "jealous" or maybe neither...but i highly doubt the neither there is always some sort of unconcious reasoning for things of this type...

& if you are reading this & you think i'm referring to you...don't worry i'm not...cuz i was talking about a person/people that don't know i have a blog...in fact i don't think they even know my sn anyways...don't stop telling me your stories:P cuz i like knowing! haha...

i'm sorry i have a sentence at the end to try to redeem myself or undo any mess i may have caused...i just don't want people being less honest to me or anything because of what they read on here...

i HATE studying....well...it's more that i'm studying things i'm pretty sure i will never understand & that's what's frustrating...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 7:50 PM PST
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Thursday, 10 March 2005
those 3 little words
yes "i love you" are 3 words but i'm referring to even more important 3 little words in my eyes...

"i miss you"
it's strangely something that just slips out more often than "i love you"...
& in my book it is equivalent
but the love doesn't have to be romantic...it can be friend or family love...

at least for me...
it is something that rolls off my tongue a lot easier & it usually just comes out without hesitation but in a very innocent way it's my way of saying "i love you"...& it just doesn't have all those strings attached...you can say it w/out second thought & that's why it's a much better indication of how you are truly feeling

i guess i had never thought of that...or realized

i shouldn't give away all my secrets...but have you ever had the inclination to say "you're so cute" to someone? gawd you are so falling for them...not saying in a forced way by any means but you just accidently say it or think it....it just makes you smile...you're on the verge of romantic love...

i remember the very moment i thought that to myself regarding ken & i remember when he first accidentally said it to me...haha he was first for the record:P

& for the record as well...i have never said "i love you"...but i have said "i miss you" to many a friends & people i dated...& you have to wonder who will get it first:)...ok well at least i do...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:04 PM PST
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favoritism
so a friend's blog sparked this entry...she knows who she is of course:)

i always saw families with favorites...

strangely it was usually the "baby" of the family that got to be spoiled...which is curious to me is it like oh this is the last one so we'll just kinda give up haha (ok that was a crude way of describing it but whatever)

it never occurred to me the discrepancy in the way my brother & i were treated until dom had really pointed it out blatantly...

i mean i was the spoiled one so who was i to question it hahah...jk

there was always the age difference so i couldn't ever really compare my brother & i...(6 years)

so in my case...i always thought i wasn't spoiled because i was always striving incredibly hard to be like my brother...to surpass him or at least follow in his footsteps.....

which i was somewhat successful in but at the same time not really...

it's kind of sad because my whole family even my brother says i am smarter than him but i just don't do anything about it...& i know they are entirely right...not about being smarter but that i do nothing about it...it's surprising to me sometimes that i'm even here....granted i DO work hard but not as hard as he does...

sometimes i'm not sure if i'm treated differently because i'm the girl...my dad lets me get away with doing not as well in terms of grades cuz (i know this will sound horrible) but because i don't have to since i'm a girl...& i get away with a lot more...socially, etc...as well...

i have always been more of a trouble maker (& trouble means like chatting online too much not REAL trouble)...as a baby i wrote "bad" things on the walls...& when told to do extra workbooks i would cheat...& if i was punished i would take revenge very subtley & let the anger burn inside...not much as changed, huh? HAHAHAH i'm totally kidding...taking revenge in those days was like smearing neosporin on a few pages of my mom's reference books....& she ALWAYS found out anyways hahahah....

& for my brother these types of things would not have even crossed his mind..he supposedly would just sit there til he finished his work & then maybe go out & play...the worst thing he did was like spend too much money on comic books haha...

gawd i was horrid....hahahaha

& all the while....i'm treated no differently now...

i have to say i applaud my parents' work

ok ok back to the point of the entry

so it never occurred to me that my brother might really really dislike me because of these things...

i will be blunt because i don't think he reads this

i am definitely daddy's little girl...even though our relationship is not super super close it's as close as it would ever get with him...he's always been more of a figure in the family that provides & yet he still somehow manages to be a good dad in the sense that he offers the best advice & he's so incredibly smart that he is able to help in any subject at all...

my brother on the other hand...he's had a decent relationship..when he was younger at least they would bound over technical stuff i did not understand...& stocks...but there was a point where they just didn't interact that much...maybe i'm wrong cuz i don't see it...but my dad doesn't fully approve of his gf or now fiance....for very superficial reasons that my brother finds completely stupid & he has no problem yelling at my dad whereas i just would not have the guts...granted my bro got those genes from my dad but yea...it just isn't that pretty...

i always designated my mom for my brother...he always seemed to be on her good side...i mean after all he was a dream child...he is a very hard working smart individual...anyways...so yea i just assumed they were closer than i ever was with my mom

i guess i was always butting heads with my mom...i mean we're both females:P but yea...in high school my mom was my worst enemy...she would never say anything i wanted to hear...an asian mom is the worst possible thing for your self esteem...(i vow to NEVER be like that)...but i think since i left for college the distance has made us a lot closer...& there is always a bond when you can remember everything & everyone's names in her life...she always wants to gossip....

but yea...last yr after a very bad bad incident involving a lie i told my mom regarding dom....i realized how true this favoritism/rivalry truly was...

i know this sounds really weird...but i found i really wanted my brother to help me...he got to be the buffer between us...he of course was very reasonable but behind my back i felt like i was being stabbed....i had this weird feeling of him feeding things to my mom to make her stay mad....i mean i know it was not on purpose...i almost sensed a mini victory in his favor....i know that is a way too dramatic perception but i have to admit i have similar feeling regarding small things without realizing it...like when my brother does something unreasonable like telling me not to use his computer..when i tell the story i make it seem like i'm completely right & what not...i feed the parts that i feel are unreasonable to my mom....i DO NOT do it on purpose but i have found out i did that...& i want to make an effort to stop..

but it's just very weird these subtle things in interaction cause you to be a certain way later on...

ok i feel like this entry made me sound like an absolutely horrible person...

but it's kind of like putting a 1000x magnification on a pimple or something...it's not as black & white as i made it seem & it's just really ugly when you examine it up close but it's actually a really small part of our lives...

to redeem myself haha...i love my brother...i have to admit he really is one of my idols...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:16 PM PST
Updated: Thursday, 10 March 2005 10:24 PM PST
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Monday, 7 March 2005
classics paper
so erick asked me about my classics 28 mythology paper...

i told him mine kicked butt & i got an A which i felt like i deserved...

so...i went to go read this supposed "great" essay & omg it is such crap

not bs crap...but it's so poorly written i'm thouroughly embarrassed...

the thing is the ideas are there...in fact i think the ideas are really unique in some cases & good

but i just suck at making it come across...

it reminds me how bad i've gotten at writing since i've come here...i hate it...it used to be one of my strong pts

oh yea the paper was about how greek women did not have much power in society/real life but in mythology they had more power than men...their influence & their cleverness...etc

& i must remind you i wrote this essay when i still lived in the dorms with rachel & kira (who were grossly obsessed with this movie) so i guess i was at a loss for words when i came to an end so i ended with a quote from big fat greek wedding...i can't even believe it...but it definitely made me laugh...so maybe it had the same effect on my ta? hahha....

gotta love it

?The men may be the head of the house but the women are the neck and they can turn the head anyway they want.?

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:57 PM PST
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hmm
don't you sometimes want to know what people think of you?

(i know i've talked about this before)

but don't you wish you could just have an on/off switch sometimes?

granted i'm probably happier not knowing cuz who the hell cares what they think...but how's about to satisfy curiousity




i remember in a korean soap opera i had watched a few years back there was a scene in which the girl said something along the lines of "i love it when you ask me 'have you eaten?' because it proves to me you really care & that you want to know if i'm ok or not..."

on that note...i've found these really subtle things people do for me & say to me that just make me melt....maybe they didn't even mean for it to be nice but it just reminds me they really do care about me...& i find it very very adorable...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:17 PM PST
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Sunday, 6 March 2005
selfishness, relationships, religion, & love
so i think sometimes i fail to see how selfish most people really are...i mean not anything major but just little subtle things all add up to being quite selfish & for people being a tiny bit selfless seems to be a huge deal that they will bring up again & again....can't they just make it a part of their lives? no people need to live by default selfishly with very infrequent spurts of selflessness


that was kind of a rant w/out being specific


sometimes (emphasizing sometimes haha) i look at relationships/couples & i remember why sometimes it just sucks to be in one....i saw some guy yelling at what i think was his gf on the sidewalk she was just mumbling retorts...& sometimes i hear friends or acquintances on the phone w/ their significant other & i think to myself gawd i hope i'm not like that....it's almost like you revert to an immature stage...it's very weird...a babier voice, more whining, more insecurity, more petty bickering....it just really grosses me sometimes...


so...i've been meaning to write an entry about religion for a while but i also do NOT wish to offend anyone...not that i have anything truly offensive to say. actually i don't have anything offensive to say...but i guess i just don't know how sensitive people are...

so semi recently i've found out that some of my friends are a lot more religious than i ever realized...not that i didn't know people were but to me it's sort of like a secret life i just don't know about or something because i never really talk about religion with people in general...

i have to say i was kind of surprised...

i find nothing wrong with being religious at all

it's just i didn't know those particular people were

but...although i am sort of cynical at times i do believe in a higher being because in the end i am sort of a spiritual person...

so my history with religion....

when i was really little my dad was quite christian so i went to church every week...i remember some things but not that much

then i moved to saratoga & my grandma had to watch me a lot because my dad was starting a company & my mom was always travelling to lecture for her books & what not & my grandma was very religious as well so i went with her a church every week

this went on until about end of elementary or middle school when my grandma had to move back to LA to take care of my pregnant aunt

i stopped going

the church moved closer & i went one time in high school but i felt so uncomfortable because my mom did not go with me...i felt kind of out of place

i never went back since...

& it's interesting that i went when i was young but i don't particularly feel the need now because of my pattern i'd think that i'd have quite the bond with religion even if it was because of past memories...

my aunts in LA & their families have become very religious within the past few years & i guess i can understand why...

i was telling chanda that personally i might even bring up my children going to church & such simply because it's a set of values...& it is a social thing for them as well...

i guess my views of religion have also been molded by the people i have seen that ARE religious & it makes me quite cynical

i have seen sooo many people that claim to be super religious that are absolutely horrible people...maybe even the more religious the more bad they are....

for example:

this guy i know...goes to church every week super involved in those activities yet he gets high & drunk all the time & has sex with plenty of girls

another girl...she used to have jesus freak written on her shoes...she always talked about church & the people she knew...yet she was a complete slut & she was an overally bad person...i don't even think she has any friends left in high school cuz everyone eventually got soo sick of her...she would say things to me like "i don't get why you waste time making flashcards connie you try so hard & in the end you probably get the same grades as us" (except not! haha) or she'd spread rumors & gossip & she said shit behind her "friends" backs all the time...plus she dropped out of college i think cuz of all her romping around...(& there were ironically plenty of rumors about that haha)oh yea another thing i remember her saying when we all had a fight with her (oh yea teenage drama) "i'm so much higher on the social ladder than most" (total "mean girls" style)

this other person i know...is actually my mom's friend....granted i don't know her that well but supposedly she is very very buddhist..she has a whole meditation room thing going....but she is constantly wishing ill will upon people but if she has back pain or something she'll say "oh the gods are putting more responsibility upon me & that's why my back hurts" which could basically be reversed in meaning as well...

ok i know i didn't give the best examples but you have to remember that i try to suppress bad things in my memory..or not even suppress they just disappear after a certain amount of time...so i can't remember specifics...


ok ok...so what's the freaking point?

at least for me...

being a nice/good person is all that matters

what i mean is...

if you are truly a good person...i feel like it should not matter if you ARE religious or not...because int he end you are affecting all those around you positively & that's what life is about...

i guess what really bothers me is that people seem to think that religion is there...& your actions are separate & even if you do act out of line religion has your back....

your sins can be forgiven

not that i don't want people to dwell on their past actions....not what i want at all...

but....there is a choice in the beginning to have taken the right action...

i mean...i know this can sometimes just be a matter of intelligence or what not...

but i don't know...sometimes i just feel like people use it as an excuse

i told my mom the whole thing about being a good person & she said that people that do go to church go because then they are "saved" & that they will go to heaven & such...

once again going back to topic one...selfishness

do we ever do anything that IS NOT selfish?


eh that was my rant-ish

just be a good person



so i've been hanging out with random people that aren't in school or don't go to berkeley etc

& i can just look at them & see that they are the type to fall in love very easily...(not that there is anything wrong with this) they simply go with the flow & just fall for people....& follow their nose to attraction

it occurred to me that no one at berkeley i know is like that...granted i don't know THAT many people but i know a decent number & not a single one of them is like that...maybe i don't get to see that side of them...or something...but sometimes i wonder if we're all to "logical" or "systematic" in our thinking to just do that...to just follow our hearts?

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 5:38 PM PST
Updated: Thursday, 10 March 2005 10:32 PM PST
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Friday, 4 March 2005
girls
so sometimes i find it strange that my best friend is a girl when almost every other friend i have is a guy....

& i don't know....i know i just get along with guys better because of their bluntness & they're just...at least in my experience a hellava lot funnier & fun for that matter...

& it's not that i have anything against girls...though sometimes i feel like i do...maybe it's the sneakiness/bitchiness & maybe it's the competition but i just don't find the girls around me that are acquiantances all that interesting...in fact i find them kind of bland with desire to be competitive when in reality i just don't really care...of course being just acquaintances with them there is always that sense of fakeness & politeness but maybe that comes with the classes i take as well...i don't know...

i just really dislike them at times...

i mean....i guess i don't know them enough to know if they do have lives but i just feel like they don't....

granted i don't have the most exciting life by any means but i'd like to think i live a fulfilling life in my terms...

i mean i know that people don't seek the same thing out of life as i do...& technically i don't fit my major...at least my mind doesn't at times...

& maybe in the end i AM competitive & i'm jealous & that's why i dislike them...eh...i hope that's not it...

i dunno....i just feel like i'm being watched when i'm with girls...i'm sure i do that same freaking thing...but i hate that...

on a constant watch trying to catch a glimpse of their flaws & weaknesses....

reminds me of the last time we went to doug's to study & watched coupling...it was in a bar? & it was the girl's point of view all the girl noticed this beautiful girl in the corner...she looked hot & she was reading too so somewhat intellectual & all the women in the room were looking for a flaw they could call her out on...they saw the price tag on the bottom of her shoe & that was passed through the room...so when it switched to the guy's perspective he told his friend that girl was hot & she automatically said "oh but she has a price tag on her shoe" & he was really confused...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:45 PM PST
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Thursday, 3 March 2005
in sync or losing imagination
one time mark told me that dreams were an indicator of an active imagination

i can understand how that can be true

in recent days my dreams have been reflecting everything i want in my life

things i know are true & happening

they are so real....granted there are elements of weirdness scattered throughout...things that don't happen in real life or simply an exaggeration of an emotion...but the point is

i used to always have dreams with deeper meaning..they were so off the wall that they needed to be interpreted & i'd go "hmm" but now they are so straightforward

eg, someone hands me an internship or in the case of last night a certain something happened that i was referring to in my entry yeseterday...

i don't know if this means i'm just entirely in sync with my inner self that now i know what i want & i am out to go get it...or if this means that my imagination is dying & i'm just incapable of being as exciting as i used to...

of course i will say that it's probably a combination of both...

i'd like to think it's entirely in sync which it is i'm sure at least more so cuz i used to have dreams referring to my past that i disliked & i'd wake up a bit unhappy but that just doesn't happen anymore...but at the same time they're losing in their uniqueness of presentation to me at night...

granted they aren't all straightforward but i've just never had such straightforward dreams before...they used to be like...oh yea i had a monkey & he was picking fruit or something hahha ok i've never had that dream but you get me...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:19 PM PST
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