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C is for...candor
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Friday, 4 March 2005
girls
so sometimes i find it strange that my best friend is a girl when almost every other friend i have is a guy....

& i don't know....i know i just get along with guys better because of their bluntness & they're just...at least in my experience a hellava lot funnier & fun for that matter...

& it's not that i have anything against girls...though sometimes i feel like i do...maybe it's the sneakiness/bitchiness & maybe it's the competition but i just don't find the girls around me that are acquiantances all that interesting...in fact i find them kind of bland with desire to be competitive when in reality i just don't really care...of course being just acquaintances with them there is always that sense of fakeness & politeness but maybe that comes with the classes i take as well...i don't know...

i just really dislike them at times...

i mean....i guess i don't know them enough to know if they do have lives but i just feel like they don't....

granted i don't have the most exciting life by any means but i'd like to think i live a fulfilling life in my terms...

i mean i know that people don't seek the same thing out of life as i do...& technically i don't fit my major...at least my mind doesn't at times...

& maybe in the end i AM competitive & i'm jealous & that's why i dislike them...eh...i hope that's not it...

i dunno....i just feel like i'm being watched when i'm with girls...i'm sure i do that same freaking thing...but i hate that...

on a constant watch trying to catch a glimpse of their flaws & weaknesses....

reminds me of the last time we went to doug's to study & watched coupling...it was in a bar? & it was the girl's point of view all the girl noticed this beautiful girl in the corner...she looked hot & she was reading too so somewhat intellectual & all the women in the room were looking for a flaw they could call her out on...they saw the price tag on the bottom of her shoe & that was passed through the room...so when it switched to the guy's perspective he told his friend that girl was hot & she automatically said "oh but she has a price tag on her shoe" & he was really confused...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:45 PM PST
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Thursday, 3 March 2005
in sync or losing imagination
one time mark told me that dreams were an indicator of an active imagination

i can understand how that can be true

in recent days my dreams have been reflecting everything i want in my life

things i know are true & happening

they are so real....granted there are elements of weirdness scattered throughout...things that don't happen in real life or simply an exaggeration of an emotion...but the point is

i used to always have dreams with deeper meaning..they were so off the wall that they needed to be interpreted & i'd go "hmm" but now they are so straightforward

eg, someone hands me an internship or in the case of last night a certain something happened that i was referring to in my entry yeseterday...

i don't know if this means i'm just entirely in sync with my inner self that now i know what i want & i am out to go get it...or if this means that my imagination is dying & i'm just incapable of being as exciting as i used to...

of course i will say that it's probably a combination of both...

i'd like to think it's entirely in sync which it is i'm sure at least more so cuz i used to have dreams referring to my past that i disliked & i'd wake up a bit unhappy but that just doesn't happen anymore...but at the same time they're losing in their uniqueness of presentation to me at night...

granted they aren't all straightforward but i've just never had such straightforward dreams before...they used to be like...oh yea i had a monkey & he was picking fruit or something hahha ok i've never had that dream but you get me...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:19 PM PST
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no scars
as i was taking a nice hot relaxing bath yesterday to relieve my sore muscles..something triggered my memory of how adventurous a baby i was...i was fearless like many naive kids...i was always climbing & crawling & jumping & falling...if my parents weren't watching i'd do anything adventurous that i could get away with...it was rare that i did not have bruises & cuts all over my legs...
i tried to compare this to me now...
i wasn't as fearless anymore, but i guess with experience i'm less & less willing to risk things...but i realized that i was still the same...if opportunity came up i WOULD jump at that chance whether (back then) physically or (now) emtionally/academically/etc...& if i got hurt...all the better. it shows i did try...& that i came out of it with something new...i learned...
the thing is even though i was always hurting myself back then i have no childhood scars (well maybe one out of stupidity) but not any major ones & i think that's how i am now...yea i've had my experiences & yea they've toughened me a bit & yea i was usually the one hurt in the situation...but you know what? i DON'T have those scars...at least not anymore...a fresh wound is always painful but it heals...& you move on...you might think about it...maybe for reference...but it doesn't really affect you anymore...




parallel to my cousin's entry about love's blindness i wanted to add a random tidbit that is unrelated to her entry actually...haha...there's some quote about how no one is perfect until you are in love....i'm not revealing anything on here but i can definitely say that's true in every way...things i would probably find offensive or rudeish or whatever i suddenly find cute & smile at the thought...oyyy....& i can also say that the second something tiny about that person starts to bother you...you know those feelings are fading...you're almost looking for a reason to not like him/her anymore...yada yada yada....

in the lab..i think they're painting outside i can smell the fumes even with my stuffy nose...i SHOULD be studying..oh my life story:P

haha which reminds me of a part in futurama that now i must try to remember:
Zoidberg: I'll have a look but I warn you, I'm an expert on humans, not robuhts.
Fry: Er, I'm not Bender, I'm Fry.
Zoidberg: Really? I thought you were the robuht.
Fry: Nope, human.
Zoidberg: Alright, alright, spare me your life story.

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:37 AM PST
Updated: Friday, 11 March 2005 2:03 AM PST
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Wednesday, 2 March 2005
somethings
if certain things happened right now
you would not even understand how happy i'd be...

gawd i wish i didn't think this way though...i'm making myself so disposable

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:09 PM PST
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tropicana commercial
the sun comes up
the day arrives
another chance to feel alive

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:07 PM PST
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Tuesday, 1 March 2005
something about my eyes
(i have soo much stuff to do so naturally on i'm here procrastinating...but i just want a quick release of emotion)
yea i know i know i've talked about this subject before but i just had a random tidbit i wanted to say

so i had always said there was something about my eyes that gave me away & that there was a luring affect...i don't mean in a oh that person is gonna fall in love with me but i can sense a feeling of intrigue if i happen to look straight into a person's eyes...i'm sure a lot of other people have that kind of power too...

& this is definitely not to say that i have pretty eyes hahahha....cuz that's just not really true...i can only say that they have a certain depth to them...

i won't repeat the things that have been said about my eyes or whatever...hahah that sounds so weird but my random tidbit was this...

i remember freshman year of high school i stared straight into someone's eyes for the very first time...kinda by accident but sorta being experimental..it wasn't even a close friend it was just an acquaintance...& i completely flipped out...ok not like psycho style but i got really scared...i felt like he could see the depths of my soul & see all my imperfections & all my deepest secrets....i felt like my eyes give it all away...i almost made an effort to never stare into someone's eyes like that...i never wanted to feel that vulnerable again...

but since then my courage regarding this has gradually changed....i never realized that til today...i know i make eye contact a lot more...& now when i do...i don't get scared i sort of smile at least inside my mind but i feel like for that second we're in sync with each other....i notice when i was with my ex's i revelled in the moment when we looked into each others eyes cuz for some reason nothing needs to be said & yet everything is said...but i have found this eye contact thing to be working incredibly well when i do the whole internship thing...not that i've been having success in that area beeeehhh but yea i can see that they appreciate it when i look at them with interest & intrigue as they talk...the sad thing is i'm pretty sure i'm thinking how to psychologically win them over that everything they say goes one in ear & out the other hahhaha but anyways...

today there was this sketchy info session dealio & i didn't even say intelligent things but i made eye contact the entire time...& i'm guessing that gave off sincerity even though i know she was full of crap anyways...i think that aspect of my interaction with her caused her to think i was fit to work with them...*shrug*

anyways....i'm so freaking screwd i have hw & reading & case study due tomorrow i think our group might have forgotten a part & they all never replied to my email regarding it so i might just have to take it into my own hands & do it

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:53 PM PST
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Monday, 28 February 2005
toyota avalon
Now Playing: fisher-toyota avalon song
no i don't want one haha but i have to admit i love the commercial & the song that plays during it looked it up & apparently it's by some band called fisher but i never found lyrics or anything but gotta love the fact that i watch food network so much that i heard it enough to finally write down the complete lyrics yay me & my inefficiency at doing schoolwork



it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood
sun shines bright
feeling good
turn your head
& take a look around
& i say "wow!"
the time is now
& people just knocked on your door (?)
it's time to go
it's time to live
isn't that what we're all here for?

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:03 AM PST
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Sunday, 27 February 2005
life before your eyes
it was pouring just said goodbye to john & arta after our group meeting

walked to the intersection of telegraph & durant

red hand shined

a few cars passed & then there was no one so i started crossing & i guess this huge suv had the same idea as she turned i was right there...i was there unable to react & run because of my super sore legs from squats the day before & she came to a mini screech & halt & her bumper was an inch from my thigh i just stared in complete shock i didn't even swear i just stood there wide eyed as i stepped onto the sidewalk...i think she was freaked out too

but as i stumbled full of fear onward...i realized that my life as i knew it could've ended right there in one second of someone's blindness & someone's hurried actions...it would've been over....

i remember a time in my life when that would've been my idea of happiness but today i must say that i was definitely scared of having everything robbed of me....having my life just end....

my mom said recently a man that got a ph.D in china came to UC Berkeley for more schooling & he was hit by a car & he suffered major brain damage...he was an only child...relatively poor & spent a lot of money to come here to go to school & in one moment all he worked for was gone...

the thought of death never scared me much...it never really struck fear in me...until this moment when the slightest possibility of it happening made me realize how much i value my life...

so maybe it's not really fear of death but fear of not getting to do all the things i have always wanted to...not the actual act of dying...cuz in reality i can feel myself dying..i can imagine a super painful death...i can imagine a freak accident or something...that part doesn't scare me...it really is how this will affect people around me...how upset i'd be looking down at my life having not affected as many people as i wanted to...not achieving enough w/ my potential...etc etc etc...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:42 PM PST
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http://www.businessballs.com/rulesoflife.htm

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:42 AM PST
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couldn't say it better...at least at times...
"Since You've Been Gone"
Kelly Clarkson

Here's the thing we started off friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah Yeah
Since you've been gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since you've been gone

How can I put it? you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

How come I'd never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get
I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:14 AM PST
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