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C is for...candor
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Wednesday, 2 March 2005
somethings
if certain things happened right now
you would not even understand how happy i'd be...

gawd i wish i didn't think this way though...i'm making myself so disposable

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:09 PM PST
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tropicana commercial
the sun comes up
the day arrives
another chance to feel alive

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:07 PM PST
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Tuesday, 1 March 2005
something about my eyes
(i have soo much stuff to do so naturally on i'm here procrastinating...but i just want a quick release of emotion)
yea i know i know i've talked about this subject before but i just had a random tidbit i wanted to say

so i had always said there was something about my eyes that gave me away & that there was a luring affect...i don't mean in a oh that person is gonna fall in love with me but i can sense a feeling of intrigue if i happen to look straight into a person's eyes...i'm sure a lot of other people have that kind of power too...

& this is definitely not to say that i have pretty eyes hahahha....cuz that's just not really true...i can only say that they have a certain depth to them...

i won't repeat the things that have been said about my eyes or whatever...hahah that sounds so weird but my random tidbit was this...

i remember freshman year of high school i stared straight into someone's eyes for the very first time...kinda by accident but sorta being experimental..it wasn't even a close friend it was just an acquaintance...& i completely flipped out...ok not like psycho style but i got really scared...i felt like he could see the depths of my soul & see all my imperfections & all my deepest secrets....i felt like my eyes give it all away...i almost made an effort to never stare into someone's eyes like that...i never wanted to feel that vulnerable again...

but since then my courage regarding this has gradually changed....i never realized that til today...i know i make eye contact a lot more...& now when i do...i don't get scared i sort of smile at least inside my mind but i feel like for that second we're in sync with each other....i notice when i was with my ex's i revelled in the moment when we looked into each others eyes cuz for some reason nothing needs to be said & yet everything is said...but i have found this eye contact thing to be working incredibly well when i do the whole internship thing...not that i've been having success in that area beeeehhh but yea i can see that they appreciate it when i look at them with interest & intrigue as they talk...the sad thing is i'm pretty sure i'm thinking how to psychologically win them over that everything they say goes one in ear & out the other hahhaha but anyways...

today there was this sketchy info session dealio & i didn't even say intelligent things but i made eye contact the entire time...& i'm guessing that gave off sincerity even though i know she was full of crap anyways...i think that aspect of my interaction with her caused her to think i was fit to work with them...*shrug*

anyways....i'm so freaking screwd i have hw & reading & case study due tomorrow i think our group might have forgotten a part & they all never replied to my email regarding it so i might just have to take it into my own hands & do it

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:53 PM PST
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Monday, 28 February 2005
toyota avalon
Now Playing: fisher-toyota avalon song
no i don't want one haha but i have to admit i love the commercial & the song that plays during it looked it up & apparently it's by some band called fisher but i never found lyrics or anything but gotta love the fact that i watch food network so much that i heard it enough to finally write down the complete lyrics yay me & my inefficiency at doing schoolwork



it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood
sun shines bright
feeling good
turn your head
& take a look around
& i say "wow!"
the time is now
& people just knocked on your door (?)
it's time to go
it's time to live
isn't that what we're all here for?

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:03 AM PST
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Sunday, 27 February 2005
life before your eyes
it was pouring just said goodbye to john & arta after our group meeting

walked to the intersection of telegraph & durant

red hand shined

a few cars passed & then there was no one so i started crossing & i guess this huge suv had the same idea as she turned i was right there...i was there unable to react & run because of my super sore legs from squats the day before & she came to a mini screech & halt & her bumper was an inch from my thigh i just stared in complete shock i didn't even swear i just stood there wide eyed as i stepped onto the sidewalk...i think she was freaked out too

but as i stumbled full of fear onward...i realized that my life as i knew it could've ended right there in one second of someone's blindness & someone's hurried actions...it would've been over....

i remember a time in my life when that would've been my idea of happiness but today i must say that i was definitely scared of having everything robbed of me....having my life just end....

my mom said recently a man that got a ph.D in china came to UC Berkeley for more schooling & he was hit by a car & he suffered major brain damage...he was an only child...relatively poor & spent a lot of money to come here to go to school & in one moment all he worked for was gone...

the thought of death never scared me much...it never really struck fear in me...until this moment when the slightest possibility of it happening made me realize how much i value my life...

so maybe it's not really fear of death but fear of not getting to do all the things i have always wanted to...not the actual act of dying...cuz in reality i can feel myself dying..i can imagine a super painful death...i can imagine a freak accident or something...that part doesn't scare me...it really is how this will affect people around me...how upset i'd be looking down at my life having not affected as many people as i wanted to...not achieving enough w/ my potential...etc etc etc...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:42 PM PST
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http://www.businessballs.com/rulesoflife.htm

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:42 AM PST
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couldn't say it better...at least at times...
"Since You've Been Gone"
Kelly Clarkson

Here's the thing we started off friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah Yeah
Since you've been gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since you've been gone

How can I put it? you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

How come I'd never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get
I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:14 AM PST
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Saturday, 26 February 2005
there are few things futurama can't make better
"you know fry i don't care that you aren't the most important person. i'm just glad to see you right now"
"then i am the most important person"
~"The Why of Fry"

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:41 PM PST
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FUCK
ok so my goal of not swearing is shot cuz all i want to say is FUCK....FUCK you all

there is something called consideration & there is no such thing as "oh i just forgot"

you CANNOT treat people like this

& i don't know if it's me that makes them treat me this way & if they do this to everyone but i just want to fucking kill them all....i'm so pissed off i can't even explain it in words...

i know this has happened to me numerous times & each time it pisses me off when people make plans with me & they just simply forget or don't call or don't even bother to call to cancel....

i think every person in my life has done this to me...every so called friend....EVERY ONE....

& i just want to scream..."i'm not fucking at your disposal...i'm not just there to hang out if you have nothing better to do....i'm your so called friend & i don't deserve this...it's fucking common courtesy that should never have to boil down to me being this freaking angry at you to understand how rude you are acting...& even then i'm sure a month from now the same damn thing will happen.... i have no idea why i put up with you fucking shitheads"

but you know what....maybe it's the people i am attracted to...not romantically but even as friends i find shitheads like that that use me & just don't care...

cuz every one of my ex's were ALL like that....

maybe not entirely during our relationship & obviously not when they are pursuing me but definitely after the relationship when we're sup'd to be "friends"

gawd & i just wrote something about how people in the past affect me negatively...

PROOF! PROOF right here...

things they do DO phase me...& they DO piss me off & they make me sometimes completely unreasonable...

2 people in one day....that's just great...

there's something about looking forward to something all week or even day & then come to realize they simply forgot about it or cancelled without ever telling you...giving you even more time to think about how pissed you are at them & how rude that was....& the disappointment

it's the disappointment that hits you like a bullet & the pang just makes you want to cry

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 5:44 PM PST
Updated: Saturday, 26 February 2005 5:46 PM PST
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Friday, 25 February 2005
when the past creeps up
so i know i've been talking a lot about how i love the way i am now....the place my mind is in....how things phase me less & i'm just a lot more carefree...

but i had noticed that whenever i interacted with people of my past mainly guys or people i don't talk to as much anymore...i reverted back to the way i was when i was when we were closer or whatever

eg, i always knew that when i was with high school friends that i was not close to now i'd revert back to this super quiet just observant & overly nice girl....the way i was back then...

but besides that...with ex's or people that i used to date i tend to get easily annoyed with their quirks just like i did back then...but things like that normally wouldn't phase me now...well maybe it's just cuz they had left me with a poor impression so anything they do pisses me off....& maybe it IS them & their quirk really IS just annoying....

but i think i've found the main reason why...tonight

i know, personally, i am always trying to reach some sort of higher level of perfection...& if not that at least my mentality is becoming more & more mature....i know that for a fact

but...they on the other hand have stayed the same....exactly the same....maybe it's my anger at their wasting away their life & not bettering themselves to their potential (cuz based on my personality type i tend to see the potential in people or something) or maybe it's just that i was able to put up with it then but it was things like that that held me back & moving on has made me into what i am now...

eg, a person tonight that i confronted with something that i was annoyed with...first he tried to guilt trip me or make me feel like i was saying something stupid even though he claimed he wasn't...trust me i've been through the worst of your shit kid don't try to bs me...i KNOW why you say certain things....& then he went into a lapse of being depressed....& i know what it's like to go through depression....but i swear it felt like deja vu i felt like i had heard it all before...but that was over a year ago...my response then were things like "don't say things like that" & feel a lot of sympathy....but this time...i just flat out said "stop that shit" cuz you know what? he's very very capable of putting himself in a better place...he is a very very deep person & he is a thinker....so was i....i pulled myself out of it...i know he can too....i'm not saying i don't have sympathy for people with depression because i know how useless things people say are when you are actually in it....but i guess for me...like a lot of people trusted themselves to get out of this state......
i know i'm lucky enough to have "figured it out" on my own...cuz most people can't...but i really suggest going to seek help if you are in such a state...granted i have heard some stories about bad experiences with professional help but it does not hurt to try....there has to be good people out there that truly want to help you...

anyways that wasn't the point of this entry...haha cuz it has to be about me....jk:P

that was about it...

i'm going to a food fair type thing this weekend...we'll see how that goes...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:54 PM PST
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