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C is for...candor
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Tuesday, 8 February 2005
what's in a name/fulfilling that balance
so this is totally random & has nothing to do with my life at the moment but i felt like saying it...

i know i had gone through this in my head at one point last year regarding a certain relationship

but seriously what's in a name...what's in a title for two people...

boyfriend/girlfriend, people that like each other, etc...

there is no freaking difference...

there is merely the false sense of security that a title for a relationship brings...being gf/bf doesn't mean either one of them likes each other more than people that don't have that title...it doesn't prevent break ups in any sort of way...

so what's the big deal?

i have to confess though i too find a sense of security in such a title because of the frail state you are in when you finally admit to yourself you are completely infatuated with that person...




now...the other half of my entry...

i know i display a fine balance of everything in my life....i don't do it on purpose it just seems to be what i do automatically...why i bring this up is i realized that the only blogs i read are completely contradictory...there are a few stray ones i read once in a while but the ones i read often are one of a super outgoing character & that of a completely shy & innocent character....(neither of which i am close to by any means)

maybe it's because i am at a happy medium of the two but partially it's because i'm in slight awe of each...granted i would never want to be either of them just cuz i don't fit either too well & they are both boys:P...

i just am not capabale of being so outgoing so maybe it's curiousity for that kind of life...& the innocent one maybe it's because i am a bit reminescent of the way i used to be...i know i wouldn't give up my life now for the past but maybe it's nice to know people like that are still out there....innocence is beautiful

that's all really...

& i'm stressed...........
anyone want to offer their massage services?

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:59 PM PST
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Sunday, 6 February 2005
oh the truth
i was looking up the dates for pisces & i came across this...it's funny how i hate so much to fit a stereotype or group & yet i don't mind admitting i fit my horoscope to a tee...well maybe just cuz it's true...i don't fit any other description of me better....but yea...:

SUN or MARS in PISCES
SUN is here February 20 - March 20)
The man who attracts you is romantic and sensitive, and either... imaginative and a dreamer / artistic or musical / spiritually oriented / in need of help / or lost and confused.

The idea of a secret love affair can excite and entice you. Mystery intriques you.

Your innate sympathetic nature makes you a sucker for a sob story. Compassion for another can create an initial interest in them. Emotional types attract you, and sharing feelings can seduce you.
Broken-hearted lovers, starving artists, and penniless poets play on your heart strings. You can be attracted to a man who needs a savior, but also to one you can see as your savior.

If you were a Princess, you would be dreaming of a romantic "knight in shining armour" to come and sweep you off your feet.

Especially if you have Mars in Pisces, you could be prone to let your passive and sympathetic nature lead you to lovers who use or abuse you. You may fantasize about being "taken", but you don't have to be taken advantage of.







i went home this weekend...it was a mixture of bad & good...but i have to admit the overall feeling was good because even in the bad i found good...once again my mom commented on my weight i threw a mini fit & i went to my room cuz i just didn't want to hear it anymore...i closed the door, grabbed my euripides & began frantically reading because i wanted to take my mind off of the situation or i was going to cry...she continued to yell through the door...i snatched the notepad & pen by my bed & went under the covers again & i began writing...when i am emotional are the best times for me to write everything i write makes so much sense...i didn't bring it with me (i was going to type it up here) but i realized that it was probably better this way i did not want to be consistently reminded of such a night...i ended up falling asleep hiding underneath my blankets...

i really had not heard most of the things she yelled because i covered my ears....why did i need to have this negativity seep into my brain & just make my heart sink....i knew the shit she had to say i've only heard it all my life...the next day i got up early cuz we had planned to go to the flea market & i just acted like nothing was wrong i think i took her by surprised cuz normally i just wouldn't talk to her...i realized i was at a point in my life where i really didn't care...not that i didn't care what she had to say but in terms of my body....yea i've complained all my life...i've been told all my life how horrible i look...granted i had my moments when i was told that when it wasn't true but i really don't care....as long as i know i am healthy i'm fine with the way i look...i go to the gym at the very least every other day i cardio i lift weights...i cook almost everything i eat...i barely eat out anymore...i really don't cook anything that's bad for me...i've been pretty careful....that's the most i can do...& i basically look the same...so what's there to do...i love my life....i really do...so i don't look like the girls in magazines....so what??!?! i really dont' give a shit...as long as i lead a healthy life & when i flex i have muscles to prove to myself i'm not a complete wimp haha....

anyways....gawd i'm so unproductive

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:50 PM PST
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Wednesday, 2 February 2005
sense mode: the walk home
class door opened to the cold breeze hitting my face

sky was reddish pink...sunset

walked down the hill

missed the light

put on headphones

crossed street & walked through the tree-ish area

took in a deep breath of the oxygen from the trees

walked in tambark to avoid smoke clouds of girl w/ cigarette for fear of tainting my air

saw freshly white flower dabbed trees

walked through grass..squishy

walked past a trashcan that was always stinky

heard the roar of a motorcycle

smelled its exhaust

heard the tut tut tut of a girl on her scooter

crossed street, walked faster as soon as i realized the cars were really close, headlights shining on me

fumbled with keys, jingling

up the stairs

home

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:00 PM PST
Updated: Sunday, 6 February 2005 8:33 PM PST
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Monday, 31 January 2005
concentration
no not the game...

but i guess it is a game.....of balance

this is merely to remind myself

concentration of the mind, heart, and body



i've been pretty good about "being good"
(oh i know what you're thinking...stop it! i don't mean anything sexual or drinking/getting high related) "being good" as in being healthy emotionally, mentally, and physically...

i've been good

go me

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:54 PM PST
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Saturday, 29 January 2005
i love berkeley
sometimes blurry vision makes you see more clearly



in your mind that is

i went to the rsf later in the day & i have gotten into this new-ish habit of taking off my glasses when i workout..at first it was cuz i get all sweaty & gross & i didn't want my glasses to fog up or anything (i know a BEAUTIFUL sight) but then i realized how much more it made me focus...1, on working out & 2, on thoughts...i actually have been thinking a lot less than i used to so it's a good thing that i focus on my thoughts sometimes now...

a couple things that i thought about

* (i've recently been reading this book called "how full is your bucket?") i always knew that "filling other people's bucket" made me feel good...that's why there is the argument that people are always selfish even when they do things for other ppl (to make themselves feel better) but the book (i'm not finished) has yet to discuss or never took into account the case of people like me...they said each moment was either negative or positive...but what about my past experiences? yes the instant gratification part was positive BUT in the long run the lack of appreciation eventually led to a negative result...i bring up the examples in which i filled others' buckets as negative things in my life........then for the book, it's somewhat ironic that i started feeling better the moment i stopped caring about filling other people's buckets & instead filling only my own...granted this is a book about interactions so it doesn't really look at the aspect of filling one own's bucket...but in reality THAT is what life is all about NOT filling other people's buckets as the book implies or that recruiter that gave me the book said...even though she was super nice...

* an issue of confidence in intelligence...ok so maybe it's berkeley that has been beaten into me or maybe it's my grades here but i have come to realize my judgement of my own intelligence has become very very low...thursday i came home to do my hw real quick (it was due later that day) i went to meet up w/ alex & erick to work on it some more erick asked to compare answers & the first thing i said was "i'm probably wrong though" but we did & we had the same answers (granted the questions weren't TOO bad it was all that probably crap) so essentially i had gotten them right but i genuinely thought i had them wrong because i no longer trusted my ability...it was something i was so confident about before & now this is what i have become & as i excercised i felt pretty lame but the only analogy i could think of myself as was an overworked hamburger patty...the environment around it and the hand that works this raw meat has molded me into this shape but the more it works me the more my moisture is drained from me after all the overworking no matter how well you cook me, grill me, or what not i can no longer have that same natural flavor i once had...you can cover me with condiments but that just masks how dry and tasteless i have become.......is that what school has done to me? made me a flavorless, dry, overworked hamburger patty (i can completely understand if you can't take that paragragh seriously at all:P)

anyways...whenever i walk out of the gym i remember how much i love berkeley because of the wonderful breeze to cool me off & as i walk home i see the beautiful bay before my eyes...today there was a vibrant pinkish red streak across the sky that disappeared behind the dark mountain which were set right past the deep blue bay....i can't help but smile


yesterday i got an email about the heathly cooking decal i'm ta'ing for the assignment was to write about a food that best describes our personality in third person, so this is what i came up with:

Connie can best be compared to a fine vintage champagne. She has a bubbly personality. She pairs great with food. But, only good food! Vintage champagne are made of grapes from a single year and are only made if the producer deems that the wines of that year are of a good enough quality. The longer the vintage champagne ages, the more depth of flavor it develops. So, Connie is vintage because, of course, she?s a good grape of the bunch and she?s had a variety of experiences that have led to her becoming what she is today. Also, the older she gets, the more she?s worth!(hopefully) In the final process, the balancing of the acidity of the alcohol and the sweetness is crucial. Connie?s life is all about finding that perfect balance.

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 7:09 PM PST
Updated: Saturday, 29 January 2005 7:29 PM PST
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Friday, 28 January 2005
PICS!
so basically i forgot i had LA trip pics

& today (when it was sunny) erick & i headed off to a mini adventure atop the campanile

front of road yay 6 hr drive




chanda driving whee




beach view while driving




some LA sign..i think it's 123 miles left...boo for motion blur





blurry pic of the irvine spectrum




di & me..yay cousins




on the way to la jolla (ok ok i cheated this was on the way back cuz i didn't expect it on the way to) but we thought it was hilarious...i think it's cuz mexican ppl are likely to run across the freeway?




chanda & moi & beach..we're so cute:P




chanderrr, ellen, and erika...cutesiness defined






the beaut campanile







the big C




library!




cool trees at base of campanile that are super wobbly!




carillon




erick going for the thoughtful pose & taking pics:)




drawings of the campanile labelling things like the center of mass oh so nerdily cool




pictures of the construction




pre-campanile




glad it got sunny when we went...
cuz it started pouring afterwards...boo
but yay for grilled cheese & tomato soup!

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 5:13 PM PST
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Saturday, 22 January 2005
my conversation w/ a cat
yes a cat...a meow meow cat

i remember being awaken by some noise...it sounded like a meow or a baby's cry..i couldn't tell...i looked out the window & i didn't see anything so i tried to go back to sleep

a few days ago i heard it again...& i heard this woman say "aww you waited for me to come home!" she unlocked the door & let the cat in...

yesterday i heard "meeeow meeeow" i looked outside...the cat sat staring at its owner's door...due to natural instinct (since i was young) i meow-ed back...it looked around confused...back & forth...i meow-ed again...it looked up & saw me..it turned to me & meow-ed back...then he ran to the wall nearest my window & tried to get me to...it couldn't...it walked back to its place & meow-ed some more...this went on for 10 minutes...

after a while the cat got bored & turned around & looked elsewhere...ADD.:P

so i went to do my own thing & as i was about to leave i closed the window & it suddenly looked back sharply & stared at me w/ sad/i-want-attention eyes & meow-ed again...

i smiled & waved good-bye...

how funny how similar the cat acted like people...

lure the person, take them for granted, & just pay them no attention/care unless the very second you realize you are about to lose them...

i hope i never get like that...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 2:06 PM PST
Updated: Friday, 28 January 2005 5:20 PM PST
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Tuesday, 18 January 2005
last day
first day of the semester was ironically the last day i'd see chris...at least for a while...

i will finally post the poem i wrote for him on his christmas card (that was sup'd to be in ode to chris)

it all started with a jammed door
& it led to a convo of 3 hrs or more

then cupcakes and cookies we shared
& to each other a passion of food we both declared

we got obsessed w/ cheesecake
& together we started to bake

you showed me improv is amazing
& we cooked all the things we were craving

memorably, we ate many a perfect meal
& we def took advantage of the cold stone deal

whatever the ingredient you always knew the costco price
& it was wonderful to see you other talents in theatre rice

together we discovered the yumminess of gator tail
& you'd come over & help me when my creme brulee would fail

i will def miss each crepevine & cheeseboard run
everytime we were together we'd have so much fun

when we ate chicken tikka masala 2 days in a row
& often a late night safeway run we'd go

how Farooq & Alice Waters are best friends
& after fights we'd make our amends

how you kept me strong when zee zee/campus i needed to quit
& the PaellAsian & Spinach dipwich recipes we'd submit

how we've both seen all Food Network episodes 2-fold
& for a 5-sec glimpse of Jamie & Rachael we stood in the cold

i will always remember that the egg trick was your fave kitchen tip
how my dream of PaellAsian pancakes couldn't flip

no chicken, only egg
& how i'd never let you make butternut squash soup no matter how you beg

i will always remember when I was stressed & you brought me a chocolate thing
please never hesitate to give me a ring

together we've always had such a good time
i couldn't begin to justify it w/ this rhyme

i was already sad when you moved from being next door to me
it is surreal how much further you will now be

at the happiest place on earth you'll intern
& i know a great experience you will earn

i already know i will miss you a lot
& many boring, hungry nights i will be caught

to Disneyworl i will surely go as a guest
but (without me:() in the meantime i truly wish you all the best!

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:52 PM PST
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Wednesday, 12 January 2005
trip to socal
so was it the road trip i always wanted?...

it was only to a certain extent...

i wish i was more experienced in driving so i could drive to cuz i felt like there was no fucking end to the shit i had to put up w/ from chanda complaining & her being super rude to me cuz she was the driver

but it ended up being ok cuz both of us are so chill & we get over getting "mad" at each other pretty quickly cuz we just don't care enough to hold any grudges

& in the end we only had each other to stick w/ for the whole trip

both irvine & sd are pretty cute

but i don't know if it's cuz i'm just so used to berkeley or that it fits my personality better but it just sorta made me miss berkeley a bit...(maybe it was just cuz i knew where things were & i'm capable of taking care of myself & i don't need a car there)

i loved meeting all of diana's friends/roomies & the places she always talked about cuz i was always curious & now i understand! her friends are super sweet & all have their little quirks it's really cute

i read so many random magazines! haha & i ate at a lot of places i feel...i kept telling myself i'd eat less at the next meal but then i wouldn't:P

let's see...i will continue this later...not in the mood now

oh i watched house of sand & fog & saved....saved was not as good as i thought it'd be but it was sorta funny/cute & house of sand & fog was really really good but i think it was the most depressing movie i've seen in a looooong time maybe it's cuz it was so realistic & maybe it's cuz i read the book & we made our video (there were so many similarities it was sooo weird!) it was really good though...that indian actress that was nominated for best supporting actress totally deserved it she was super good...

anyways...offline now:)

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:33 PM PST
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Wednesday, 5 January 2005
suppression...
each time i read or am reminded of the past the more & more i realize how adept i am at blocking out all bad things that has happened in the past...

call it selective memory...

call it survival of the fittest...

call it the only reason i do not sit in front of you today a ball of tangled string...

a year ago in my private blog i wrote this on new years:

will start my new year exactly as i want my year to be like...& the rest of my life...independent...self sufficient...relying on no one but myself for my own happiness...joy is greater when it is unexpected...when i am no longer as optimistic that something will happen to make me happy...


i didn't realize til that moment that i had achieved just that this year

i'm proud of myself


i sit alone at my computer completely silent, w/ loud music blasting in my ears screaming all the things i want it to but i can't....my music is keeping me sane for the moment

i actually miss adam

& wow reading these old entries makes me realize i was in a completely bad place at the time...

watched "O"
nothing like planting the seed of doubt/uncertainty/jealousy

reading more...i quote myself
"it hurts more to regret things i did not do than to regrets things i have done"

i'm insane i read this past entry in which i remembered ken had an online photo album & my heart skipped a beat cuz i was reminded again & so i went in search of it...i found it...course...nothing new & i know he probably had not touched it since he last updated it...summer 2003...i was about to say last summer..but it wasn't...that's so fucking lame connie...that's over a year ago....but yet i was still flattered my pictures w/ him were still there...what was he gonna do connie....well after getting bitter towards dom again cuz of old entries i'd have to say...well he could've erased me from his life like dom fucking did....

i'm surprised i'm as healthy as i am today...

past entries reminded me of things: all of dom's lies or omissions of the truth...how i would ALWAYS find out the truth...how at one point in my life i was going to help dom get back together w/ phuong by telling her how much he loved her & how much my heart hurt....how ken asked me out....how beautiful it was....how happy i felt....how i fell asleep that night hugging that teddy bear w/ a huge unerasable grin on my face just waiting for the morning so i could tell rachel & kira the news...how i jumped out of bed the second they woke up & i kept laughing them & telling them how it happened....& they were so happy for me......how dead i felt...how work drained me....how i studied & studied only to probably flunk my finals...how dom would tell me of all his troubles & my own would cook....in a pressure cooker....






all in all i'm so very proud of myself...

very proud

i've worked through so many things

i know i'm a spoiled brat so sometimes i don't want to say i've been through a lot...

but i remember all i would've said to that is it's all relative...

(& i know this all sounds so bitchy)
it's all relative...if it is painful to one person knowing that someone else has been through worse does not make it less painful...

but anyways...

i knew i was healthier this semester...
but i did not know the extent of this healthiness til i read things from when i was depressed....

i have worked through a lot...put a lot of things behind me....& finally become a better person...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:45 PM PST
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