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C is for...candor
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Sunday, 4 July 2004
*sigh*
yesterday, i had never been so alone...

& i've never had so many ppl i care about screw over my day in one day...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:14 AM PDT
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Saturday, 3 July 2004
you know back in '82...
thursday night, chanda & i binged & were gonna see dodgeball but then she really wanted to watch napolean dynamite again...& it started 10 minutes earlier so we chose that instead...

she had flat out told me...there's no plot...i just found it so funny...(ps: it was ok i wouldn't necessarily recommend it though)

i sat there in my overly analytical mode...
& in my weird way i got a lot from the movie...

the most obvious but also the most important for me...was the uncle...he was a nobody that lived for his high school football days...1982....he would say "you know if in that game the coach put me in i'd be in pro football or college football & be making millions now" he even bought a "time machine" online to try to go back to 1982... the thing is...we all laughed at his dorkiness & stupidity...but you know what...it is the flat out obvious way of saying...hey MOVE ON....i told di about this...& i said something to the effect of yes it was beautiful then....yes it was perfect then....yes you felt like you were invincible & nothing could go wrong then....but you know what? it's no longer...it's over...& it needs to be accepted....

to those that know me know what i'm referring to in my own life...

& well the overall movie was about this guy that was sorta dorky & by the end of the movie not much was different...it was just about his life...he was a very simple guy that didn't try very hard...he was just himself & he was very good at being that..but he was happy...he, by being himself, made others around him happy...he bettered their lives in subtle ways just by being this guy that didn't care what others thought...he wasn't trying to make them happy..he just happened to...it was interesting....

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 3:17 PM PDT
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Sunday, 27 June 2004
so much....
this was written a while back & never posted...
i think because i was scared to cuz i flat out put names in there...& i was unstable still but now i'm pretty much apathetic towards all ppl...soooo...yea

wow...when i signed onto aim today after my third final..one more to go. yay me:P i felt like i hadn't been online in ages & had lost touch with the world...nothing seemed to be different though i talked to ppl as if i had been online this whole time....

it has only been a week but to me it seemed like a year...& i probably did lose a year off of my life just from the lack of sleep, bad food, cramming of material, & being incredibly emotionally unstable (i always am when finals roll around because my mind is purely on school so i want everything else to be stable & so if ppl are a bit meaner or don't call me i get sorta antsy & i crave hugs & massages from anyone & everyone)...

i've definitely gained weight...uuuughhhhhh
(that was random i know)

nothing's happened in my life this week except for studying...spending too much time in the library...learning all the possible ways to sit in a big wooden chair (at the library)...making my back stronger w/ a big heavy backpack...wishing people would call to distract me from studying...all the basic little things that come along w/ finals time...

but at the same time, i feel like some one took my snowglobe world, turned it upside down, & shook it. all because of that emotional instability....

many a moments i felt like no one cared about me...
& when my mind is all on school i find i think about my past more when i'm not thinking about school. i kept rerunning ken & dom footage in my head....so many a times i wanted to cry...but i couldn't...my eyes are so tired....tired of reading notes & books, from lack of sleep, & most of all crying from all the times before. i kept thinking about how happy ken is now with anna....or if he really is happy...& how in his lj after we broke up he wished the next relationship would last longer...guess it did...i don't know if it's jealousy or pain or sadness....i find myself being so stereotypically a girl & saying things to myself like "oh gawd anna's hella ugly" or something completely stupid like that...(not that it's not true HAHAHA ouch yes i'm a bitch) but you know what it has nothing to do with her...she should not be brought into my anger/sadness at all...& then w/ dom...i keep bringing up in my mind the pain he caused...of course i do not regret anything because i am so glad he is in my life...but at the same time i think about my decision then...the decision to stay by his side...& the paranoia & trauma it caused me...my blaming it on her & her stupidity & not finding fault in that...(not like w/ anna cuz i guess i don't "know" anna)...

i am also slightly angry & annoyed & sad at the fact that i don't talk to ben anymore...but at the same time i feel like i still have every right to be mad or at least annoyed he said that...& i didn't do some silent treatment like msot girls would i flat out told him. i got annoyed cuz you said this...i felt like it was rude...& maybe that is partly why i have thought about ken so much recently....
we were talking about some stuff & he said that ken did not take our relationship seriously & something on the lines of how he didn't care...& when i told him i didn't appreciate that he said "i thought you already knew that" & it made me even more mad....in reality...maybe now ti means nothing to him...but i know then he did care....at least a little...there was something in his eyes....
shit i don't want to be one of those ppl that is trying to convince themselves someone cared when they didn't....but i really think he did....i don't know.....forget it...i'm not gonna be dragged into some self pitying cycle....i will state...he cared then & that's a fact...now, may be a different issue but it doesn't matter now we aren't in each other's lives...

then there was this whole issue w/ work the previous week...i got sooooo angry probably because my patience w/ their ignorance & stupidity & short tempered attitudes were wearing extremely thin...
i wanted to quit right then & there & watch them beg me to stay....i seriously planned out my entire two week notice dealio & my explanation...

then i got my horoscope email for the day:

"Without an adversary, prowess shrivels." ~Seneca

Here is your forecast for Monday May 10, 2004.

Personal forecast
Knowing what you want, you are determined to get it. Although obstacles may appear, they make you stronger and more capable of achieving your desires. This is a good time to initiate a fundamental change in your life if you are ready for it or need it. Pursuing activities that encourage the _expression of your deepest urges empower you. Seek your passion-or seek to realize what your passion is.

trust me, i don't believe in horoscopes much but somethings they are right on the dot...especially this website...

it made me smile & i stopped hating then so much...in my anger, which stemmed from them, i was very rebellious & thinking more & more about my card company & how it would be real & i would make it real....& so in the end....their abusing me brought out the best in me, ironically. best in me as in what was best for me. it reminded me this is not what i want. this is why i go to school. this is why school is priority one. & this is why i want to actually do something i enjoy & love & am good at. where i am my own conductor...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:29 PM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 27 June 2004 9:31 PM PDT
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love: right or left brained quiz
You Are Right Brained In Love

Bit of a drama queen
Peacemaker, first to end a fight
Good at thinking up creative dates
Tend to fall in love and get hurt easily
Going with your gut instead of your head
Emphathetic and caring, sometimes to a fault
Good at recognizing patterns in relationships
Been in love many times, perhaps too many to count
Wildly passionate and intense when falling in love
Spontaneous with relationships, going with the flow
Overly visual - can play back past dates like movies in your mind
Roses, love poems, and stuffed animals are a good start to winning your heart


how did i know this would be my result...ugh

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:23 PM PDT
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Sunday, 20 June 2004

me: you want a pretty, great personalitied girl
jon: man. that's like wishing for a pink elephant

haha i dunno why i found this so amusing:) i should be offended:P!

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 2:48 AM PDT
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Tuesday, 1 June 2004

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
~Will Rogers

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:07 PM PDT
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Sunday, 30 May 2004
my life's to do list
(in no particular order)
1. start card company
2. learn to ride a motorcycle
3. own a motorcycle
4. be on food network
5. start a restaurant or at least cook at a restaurant
6. start a show (like The ConDom Show... no not like condom...ConDom:))
7. be a teacher
8. at least travel to each continent
9. be able to cook foods of all styles
10. develop recipes
11. own a mini
12. build a big sand castle
13. be a good mom
14. for a week, do my hair a different way each way
15. go clubbing
16. learn how to mix drinks
17. for a month, make a different meal from scratch each night
18. road trip
19. go on a real shopping spree (for me not my kitchen or friends which i tend to do a lot:T)
20. go fishing
21. spend the night at a beach & fall asleep on the sand
22. have a real picnic
23. meet someone that loves me as much as i love them, if not more
24. eat at a majority of famous restaruants
25. make some piece of furniture
26. have a website
27. get a professional full body massage
28. get pampered at a spa
29. fully write & produce a song
30. invent something useful
31. go to culinary school (even if it's a summer program)
32. yum
33. enter a cooking contest
34. go to chicago & eat at that food fair thing
35. market packaging peanut playgrounds..it's brilliant..
36.
37.
38.
39.
40.
41.
42.
43.
44.
45.
46.
47.
48.
49.
50.
will add when i think of more...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 5:21 PM PDT
Updated: Friday, 11 June 2004 1:06 AM PDT
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Thursday, 20 May 2004
my theme song
norah jones

Seven Years

Spinning, laughing, dancing to
her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
Is all alone

Eyes wide open
Always hoping for the sun
And she'll sing her song to anyone
that comes along

Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin' to the ground
Without a sound

Crooked little smile on her face
Tells a tale of grace
That's all her own

Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin' to the ground
Without a sound

Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song
She?s a little girl with nothing wrong
And she's all alone
A little girl with nothing wrong
And she's all alone




even down to the crooked smile....

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:13 AM PDT
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Thursday, 6 May 2004
so true:P
"With each dawn and each dusk, we connect with the world in its time."
Iranian quote


Here is your forecast for Wednesday May 5, 2004.

Personal forecast
This time may be a reflection of events begun a week ago; be mindful of any challenges, and then make adjustments as required. Asserting your will is a possibility now-conditions may demand that you take a stand. You feel more strongly about what is right for you and for those close to you, and you tend to reject what does not meet your standards.




i have been shutting people out...one by one...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:17 AM PDT
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Tuesday, 4 May 2004

can someone just kill me now....

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:35 AM PDT
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