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C is for...candor
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Saturday, 2 April 2005
Mood
this is random:
"we laugh & we smile & we play our games in sweet denial" ~the calling
it's actually a song about the suffering of people on the streets & what not but i don't feel like going into that heavy subject...i just like the song

if you haven't looked already here are my spring break pictures:


this entry i decided to talk about mood...

so this certain person seems to be able to change my mood with a touch of a button...if she/he is in a bad mood it's almost always passed onto me...

this was always the case for this person but i guess it has just been more obvious to me this week because i really didn't care what people thought this week & i was very carefree but the moment that person is slightly upset i get down too...i know i bring this upon myself but i kept getting mad that this was the case...i told chanda...she said that i shouldn't get mad because it just means i really care...i know...i know that's the case....but in a weird way maybe that's the reason why it makes me mad...i care about this person more than i want to & more than i want to admit...& it just sucks because that person probably doesn't really care as much...

& it's not even about the caring...cuz like i care about all my friends but i'm not always brought down by their bad mood...i just think they're a bitch for the day & try my best to not provoke them & go on with my life. eg, chanda today...oy...even from the phone i could tell she was ready to snap (though she described it as nothing excites her feelings) anyways...

mood is such a strange phenomenon....i know for me, i usually wake up knowing what kind of day it will be....(wake up on the wrong side of the bed type of thing) little things throughout the day used to affect my mood a lot...but now not so much...

i will now go on a tangent...
i know this will sound strange but ever since i've become this "i truly don't care what people think" type of person i think i've gotten stupider...i know i am still perceptive but i think i pick up less because i choose to...& i don't think as much before i speak...i used to think myself to death before i said a word & probably ended up saying nothing at all because i was scared of saying something wrong...now i just spit out words & i've kind of become one of those people i hated (it's not that extreme but kinda) after the things i say now i just think to myself woah did you just say that to hear yourself talk cuz that was very stupid & i spend maybe a couple of seconds regretting & then i get over it because that's what i've trained the new me to do...

this new me has perks but it needs a very different instruction manual than the old me...subtle to others but very noticable to me...

it's almost like i traded my caring about other's opinions for one of ignorance...

& i had always said ignorance is bliss...but is it in my case? choosing to be ignorant...isn't that just doubly ignorant?

i miss a lot of the aspects of the old me...i'm not even sure how to get the old me back...because i really feel like i'm stupider...

but at the same time...i'm so much happier as the new me that i feel like i shouldn't question it...

i haven't gotten myself into any sort of trouble with my louder mouth so it's not THAT bad?

last week i made the effort to not wear sweats...(even on PE days) & i have to say i felt different...i was a lot more confident....& like i noted in previous entries i got compliments left & right....it made me feel weird....(gareth: *looks at me* (day of pg&e interview) you look really pretty connie, me: thanks *awkward*, gareth: umm you do too erick, erick: *looks at me* umm thanks? me & erick: you look really nice today too gareth...it was really funny) it reminded me of that summer of dating...i never believed any of the compliments they gave me...gawd i had the worse self esteem

& back to my original topic...
my mother used to have a huge impact on my mood...it was so bad that if she said something bad to me i would just cry the night away...i was not able to accomplish a single thing...i was so hurt & angry...

the other day...she once again commented on my most hated topics...money & weight...money led to the other...eg, you spent like $100 on food what are you doing! you're eating so much. you're so fat already. blah blah blah

before this would have left my life spiralling downward for the night...

it was through the phone so i removed the phone from my ear far enough to know she was talking but not close enough to hear what she was saying...she went on for 10 minutes without any response from me...until she said "helloooo? hello! hello??" did i say "yea what" & she said "ok fine we'll talk later" & we hung up...

my heart burned with an anger...not even sadness...

i called chanda but she didn't pick up

by the time chanda called back i wasn't even mad anymore...i really didn't care...it was the same old shit...

yea so you think i'm fat...big whoop-dee-doo what else is new

she calls today to tell me (after dropping off my stuff at chanda's house) how chanda is hella skinny now...aka implying why aren't you....i said "yea that's nice"

what does she want me to do? get anerexia?
cuz THAT would truly solve all my problems

(i know di you're probably angry after reading this so sorry but the point was to say that it doesn't affect me anymore)

i guess what gets me is this...
i've told her many times to stop this nonsense but she claims she tells me because she's my mother & she cares about me...& therein lies the irony...if she really cared about me she would stop...& what does she think I'M doing...no i'm just telling her to stop for no reason. doesn't she realize it's my mental health in jeopardy?...granted i'm strong enough to have finally come through....but i can't imagine how others cope...i guess they're like the old me...they don't...

& here's another topic...

it's weird how more & more as i grow older i hear the words "when i'm a parent, i will..." & i love conversations like that because it really gives you an understanding of that person & their morals/values/thoughts/etc...but it's amusing how we're all so innately ready & excited to be parents...

i know that has been one of my dreams since i don't even know when...

which is kind of ironic as well because it is a very selfish act & i'm usually not

i was on the bart one time when i was thinking about what if someone asked me "why do you want to be a parent?"

all the answers i could think of were sooo incredibly selfish & wrong sounding:

i want to raise someone with my values

i want someone to love me unconditionally (haha he/she's not a dog!)

i want to see the beauty of life grow up

the only nicer one i could think of was...i want a child to grow up in a very loving environment where they can develop into a very successful person

but as chanda pointed out that only works if you're willing to adopt as well

but i am...granted i'd be upset if i couldn't have children but so many kids can be adopted...i really don't care if he/she has my dna i just want to raise a child...or two

i know in marriage you try to find the right match

but i wonder how many people get married simply because they know that guy will make a great dad...cuz in the end isn't that what it is? shopping for a dad for your child (brutal i know haha) why else do we find it so adorable when guys are good with kids?

when i was on the bart it was this crying girl that sparked these thoughts in my mind

she was a toddler & she was wailing & screaming...she was adorable..very coarse light brown curly hair that was tied into a tiny ponytail...her mom just holding her so stop her crying (but i think it was from the movement of the bart that bothered her that or she was just toying with us cuz she'd stop crying at every stop) at each stop someone would talk to her or she'd do something...the 1st one a lady said "it's ok honey don't cry" & she stopped & at another stop a bunch of people were lined up at the door to leave & 1 really cute guy said "bye bye (he waved) i won't see you after this. bye bye" & another cute guy behind him was smiling at her & waving & she looked at them & waved & said "bye bye bye bye" then at another stop she stopped crying pulled away from her mom to look at her & kissed her mom on the face & then she did it again & said "i love you"

it was the cutest thing ever

i remember when ken & i were together...he always talked about "hating kids" & how he just wanted to be the fun-loving uncle ken & not a dad...

i hated it when he said that but then after dating for a while i knew he was just putting up a front...

because one time he was listening to angry rock w/ swear words & we were driving to his house & he suddenly turned it off & he explained that it was about the time that school let out & kids were walking home & he didn't want to expose them to that...i smiled

another time..i told him i wanted to go to the harry potter 2 movie premeire because i did it for the first one so we waited in line w/ a bunch of little kids & when we sat down i sat next to a really really tiny asian girl her feet barely reached the edge of the seat when she sat in the theater seat & she sat with her dad...she was soo excited i kept telling ken how cute she was & he was like ugh whatever...& she kept saying really cute things i forget what...& like when the title came up she asked "what does it say, daddy?" & he said "it says harry potter" & she was so happy & at the end of the movie ken finally confessed...ok she really is very cute...

ok this is so awkward
i just got a call from this guy i hung out with one time...he always calls me & then i found out he thought that time we hung out was a date...& now he just called he said "with the purpose of telling me how he felt" & i thought i had accidentally stumbled on this very awkward topic mid conversation..i kept trying to convert the convo into one about my food poisoning but he ignored me & continued talking...reason 1 of many why i can't date him don't ignored the girl you're trying to profess your love to! oy...haha...but anyways...he was not flat out..oh wait yea he was he said "i like you connie" haha i forgot...basically i was laughing very nervously through the whole thing...

i know this is very masochistic but it's partially because i suck at confrontation....but i couldn't bring myself to just say...sorry no

this will make me sound like a horrible person but i know i had often said that i was always hurt by guys...but i think i kind of forget that i might've hurt people along the way as well...i don't think anything serious though...at least i don't think so...but then again some of those guys loved very easily...they would tell me how much they liked me very early on...i don't know...

you know...this is kind of sad...but all my relationships the guy liked me first & then i liked them or i grew to...some of the guys i dated we liked each other simultaneously but obviously nothing came of those...

once in a while i hear the bf of the person that lives across the hall visiting her...& i don't think she even likes him as much as he likes her which is weird from the outside (because he's very very cute & she's regular not that it matters) (i can hear them talking if they're standing in the hallway) one time he brought her quarters for laundry & she's like oh you didn't have to come here now i just meant eventually & he said he had walked really fast from le conte (a 10-15 minute walk) to bring her the money...tonight he knocked a roger rabbit like knock & she said oh hi & he said i brought pleasantville for us to watch...it's very cute..cuz he just comes over to surprise her sometimes...i've passed the feelings of jealousy & i just think it's super cute...

wow maybe chris(from my team last semester) & erick were right...i DO use cute too much....whatever...it's cute:P

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 8:57 PM PST
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