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Thursday, 10 March 2005
favoritism
so a friend's blog sparked this entry...she knows who she is of course:)

i always saw families with favorites...

strangely it was usually the "baby" of the family that got to be spoiled...which is curious to me is it like oh this is the last one so we'll just kinda give up haha (ok that was a crude way of describing it but whatever)

it never occurred to me the discrepancy in the way my brother & i were treated until dom had really pointed it out blatantly...

i mean i was the spoiled one so who was i to question it hahah...jk

there was always the age difference so i couldn't ever really compare my brother & i...(6 years)

so in my case...i always thought i wasn't spoiled because i was always striving incredibly hard to be like my brother...to surpass him or at least follow in his footsteps.....

which i was somewhat successful in but at the same time not really...

it's kind of sad because my whole family even my brother says i am smarter than him but i just don't do anything about it...& i know they are entirely right...not about being smarter but that i do nothing about it...it's surprising to me sometimes that i'm even here....granted i DO work hard but not as hard as he does...

sometimes i'm not sure if i'm treated differently because i'm the girl...my dad lets me get away with doing not as well in terms of grades cuz (i know this will sound horrible) but because i don't have to since i'm a girl...& i get away with a lot more...socially, etc...as well...

i have always been more of a trouble maker (& trouble means like chatting online too much not REAL trouble)...as a baby i wrote "bad" things on the walls...& when told to do extra workbooks i would cheat...& if i was punished i would take revenge very subtley & let the anger burn inside...not much as changed, huh? HAHAHAH i'm totally kidding...taking revenge in those days was like smearing neosporin on a few pages of my mom's reference books....& she ALWAYS found out anyways hahahah....

& for my brother these types of things would not have even crossed his mind..he supposedly would just sit there til he finished his work & then maybe go out & play...the worst thing he did was like spend too much money on comic books haha...

gawd i was horrid....hahahaha

& all the while....i'm treated no differently now...

i have to say i applaud my parents' work

ok ok back to the point of the entry

so it never occurred to me that my brother might really really dislike me because of these things...

i will be blunt because i don't think he reads this

i am definitely daddy's little girl...even though our relationship is not super super close it's as close as it would ever get with him...he's always been more of a figure in the family that provides & yet he still somehow manages to be a good dad in the sense that he offers the best advice & he's so incredibly smart that he is able to help in any subject at all...

my brother on the other hand...he's had a decent relationship..when he was younger at least they would bound over technical stuff i did not understand...& stocks...but there was a point where they just didn't interact that much...maybe i'm wrong cuz i don't see it...but my dad doesn't fully approve of his gf or now fiance....for very superficial reasons that my brother finds completely stupid & he has no problem yelling at my dad whereas i just would not have the guts...granted my bro got those genes from my dad but yea...it just isn't that pretty...

i always designated my mom for my brother...he always seemed to be on her good side...i mean after all he was a dream child...he is a very hard working smart individual...anyways...so yea i just assumed they were closer than i ever was with my mom

i guess i was always butting heads with my mom...i mean we're both females:P but yea...in high school my mom was my worst enemy...she would never say anything i wanted to hear...an asian mom is the worst possible thing for your self esteem...(i vow to NEVER be like that)...but i think since i left for college the distance has made us a lot closer...& there is always a bond when you can remember everything & everyone's names in her life...she always wants to gossip....

but yea...last yr after a very bad bad incident involving a lie i told my mom regarding dom....i realized how true this favoritism/rivalry truly was...

i know this sounds really weird...but i found i really wanted my brother to help me...he got to be the buffer between us...he of course was very reasonable but behind my back i felt like i was being stabbed....i had this weird feeling of him feeding things to my mom to make her stay mad....i mean i know it was not on purpose...i almost sensed a mini victory in his favor....i know that is a way too dramatic perception but i have to admit i have similar feeling regarding small things without realizing it...like when my brother does something unreasonable like telling me not to use his computer..when i tell the story i make it seem like i'm completely right & what not...i feed the parts that i feel are unreasonable to my mom....i DO NOT do it on purpose but i have found out i did that...& i want to make an effort to stop..

but it's just very weird these subtle things in interaction cause you to be a certain way later on...

ok i feel like this entry made me sound like an absolutely horrible person...

but it's kind of like putting a 1000x magnification on a pimple or something...it's not as black & white as i made it seem & it's just really ugly when you examine it up close but it's actually a really small part of our lives...

to redeem myself haha...i love my brother...i have to admit he really is one of my idols...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:16 PM PST
Updated: Thursday, 10 March 2005 10:24 PM PST
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