it was pouring just said goodbye to john & arta after our group meeting
walked to the intersection of telegraph & durant
red hand shined
a few cars passed & then there was no one so i started crossing & i guess this huge suv had the same idea as she turned i was right there...i was there unable to react & run because of my super sore legs from squats the day before & she came to a mini screech & halt & her bumper was an inch from my thigh i just stared in complete shock i didn't even swear i just stood there wide eyed as i stepped onto the sidewalk...i think she was freaked out too
but as i stumbled full of fear onward...i realized that my life as i knew it could've ended right there in one second of someone's blindness & someone's hurried actions...it would've been over....
i remember a time in my life when that would've been my idea of happiness but today i must say that i was definitely scared of having everything robbed of me....having my life just end....
my mom said recently a man that got a ph.D in china came to UC Berkeley for more schooling & he was hit by a car & he suffered major brain damage...he was an only child...relatively poor & spent a lot of money to come here to go to school & in one moment all he worked for was gone...
the thought of death never scared me much...it never really struck fear in me...until this moment when the slightest possibility of it happening made me realize how much i value my life...
so maybe it's not really fear of death but fear of not getting to do all the things i have always wanted to...not the actual act of dying...cuz in reality i can feel myself dying..i can imagine a super painful death...i can imagine a freak accident or something...that part doesn't scare me...it really is how this will affect people around me...how upset i'd be looking down at my life having not affected as many people as i wanted to...not achieving enough w/ my potential...etc etc etc...