Mood:
so every year....
i look to my birthday with excitement but with slight fear as well...
in year's past it has brought me nothing but disappointment and annoyance...
it seems to be a trend
i don't really care if i get older...it's just a number
but it's the people around me that end up pissing me off
so i often take my friend's birthdays as somewhat of an event...it's a reason to be super nice & hang out & have fun & treat them even more special than i normally would...
i try my best to make sure they get that "aww i feel so loved feeling" (at least my close friends)
cuz for me...that's what it's all about
i know that i'm a sap for romance...(not necessarily in the lovey dovey sense) ok don't misunderstand...i don't EXPECT romance from friends or guys...i just choose to carry that out myself....(maybe in the spirit of proving romance isn't dead)
what i mean is...
eg, chanda is often complaining that aaron never does anything romantic....& i always give her the same answer...neither do you, chanda....& she knows i'm right but she just likes to complain i suppose...(as most girls do...i am guilty as well) but GIRLS remember it's a two way street don't expect to be swept off your feet if you don't do anything for them either
in past experience i was expert at doing "cute" things like that...things that don't have to be anything extravagant but just make the other person think "omg that's so sweet" even if they don't say it....
anyways i'm totally off topic
so birthdays
birthdays has become a day that i see as a measurement of how people care for me...i know i know that's so extreme....i mean if they were nice to me all year & they forget my birthday i'm not gonna hate them or anything...haha...but yea...i don't even really expect anything from anyone i just want them to simply remember that that day is special & unique to me...they just have to simply say "happy birthday" & i feel special...simply because they remembered...
but i guess i do expect a little more from my close friends...i DON'T expect them to drop everything to celebrate with me like i would for them (that was a total guilt trip sort of sentence haha) but i just want to feel loved for at least that day...
& when i say feel loved that means not "blaming" me & my birthday for you not getting your work done EVERYTIME you see me the rest of that week for having seen a 2 hr movie with me...
& in this year's case that means if you are my best friend you remember my birthday enough that you DON'T sign up for work for that night (esp. since i am also your best friend & you constantly asked me what to do because you had to go to a dance performance on our other friend's birthday that is NOT your best friend....AND i definitely spent a couple hundred on her overall gift for her birthday AND she noted that i was the only one that remembered her birthday) YES i'm bitter already
i find that my birthday always seems to be the day that reminds me that i should not be as nice to my "friends" as i am....maybe it's to keep me in check...
there is never that element of surprise
nor an element of fun
nor do i feel loved at all