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C is for...candor
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Wednesday, 5 January 2005
suppression...
each time i read or am reminded of the past the more & more i realize how adept i am at blocking out all bad things that has happened in the past...

call it selective memory...

call it survival of the fittest...

call it the only reason i do not sit in front of you today a ball of tangled string...

a year ago in my private blog i wrote this on new years:

will start my new year exactly as i want my year to be like...& the rest of my life...independent...self sufficient...relying on no one but myself for my own happiness...joy is greater when it is unexpected...when i am no longer as optimistic that something will happen to make me happy...


i didn't realize til that moment that i had achieved just that this year

i'm proud of myself


i sit alone at my computer completely silent, w/ loud music blasting in my ears screaming all the things i want it to but i can't....my music is keeping me sane for the moment

i actually miss adam

& wow reading these old entries makes me realize i was in a completely bad place at the time...

watched "O"
nothing like planting the seed of doubt/uncertainty/jealousy

reading more...i quote myself
"it hurts more to regret things i did not do than to regrets things i have done"

i'm insane i read this past entry in which i remembered ken had an online photo album & my heart skipped a beat cuz i was reminded again & so i went in search of it...i found it...course...nothing new & i know he probably had not touched it since he last updated it...summer 2003...i was about to say last summer..but it wasn't...that's so fucking lame connie...that's over a year ago....but yet i was still flattered my pictures w/ him were still there...what was he gonna do connie....well after getting bitter towards dom again cuz of old entries i'd have to say...well he could've erased me from his life like dom fucking did....

i'm surprised i'm as healthy as i am today...

past entries reminded me of things: all of dom's lies or omissions of the truth...how i would ALWAYS find out the truth...how at one point in my life i was going to help dom get back together w/ phuong by telling her how much he loved her & how much my heart hurt....how ken asked me out....how beautiful it was....how happy i felt....how i fell asleep that night hugging that teddy bear w/ a huge unerasable grin on my face just waiting for the morning so i could tell rachel & kira the news...how i jumped out of bed the second they woke up & i kept laughing them & telling them how it happened....& they were so happy for me......how dead i felt...how work drained me....how i studied & studied only to probably flunk my finals...how dom would tell me of all his troubles & my own would cook....in a pressure cooker....






all in all i'm so very proud of myself...

very proud

i've worked through so many things

i know i'm a spoiled brat so sometimes i don't want to say i've been through a lot...

but i remember all i would've said to that is it's all relative...

(& i know this all sounds so bitchy)
it's all relative...if it is painful to one person knowing that someone else has been through worse does not make it less painful...

but anyways...

i knew i was healthier this semester...
but i did not know the extent of this healthiness til i read things from when i was depressed....

i have worked through a lot...put a lot of things behind me....& finally become a better person...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:45 PM PST
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